Daughter has baby and hubby gives me the boot

Denise - posted on 09/26/2009 ( 8 moms have responded )




When your daughter has her first child and her husband doesn't want you around and has convinced your daughter of the same, what to do? Relationships were fine till the baby was born. Son-in-law curssed me out and daughter said hurtful things. I was at their house trying to help the day the baby came home and at the hosptial. After several days I got the boot. I was only trying to help and their behavior is unusual. Now their is silence for 3 weeks so far. Any help or been through this before?


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Brittany - posted on 10/07/2009




this same sort of situation happened to me. I am the daughter (lol). my fiance and i both thought my mom was trying TO hard to help. she kept making dinner asking if i was alright and it was bothering me (who just wanted to sleep) and my fiance who just wanted to help me. I understand know why my mom was doing it .. because she's a mom and thats what they do. My daughter is only 10 mnths and im just starting to understand why my mom does the things she does. Give her some time, she just has some growing to do and relizations to make. Good luck i hope it smooths over for you!!

Iysha - posted on 09/27/2009




Even if you don't think you did anything wrong, they obviously do think that you did. Either way, if you did, or didn't do anything wrong, you still need to get everyone talking and see your new grandchild. If I was in your situation, I would tell the daughter this.... that you know that you must have done something wrong but that you aren't sure what that is. That you really want to see your grandchild and that you miss talking to your daughter. Ask her to inform you of your wrong doings and tell her that you are sorry, that you didn't mean for whatever it was to be taken the way it was, and that it won't happen again. Tell her that you just want to be there for her, her husband, and their child. Suggest that next time, instead of having a heated discussion that they just tell you politely what they are uncomfortable with/don't like/ would rather have you do. Tell her that you love her and hopefully things will be ok. Good Luck, wish you the best =]

Amanda - posted on 09/27/2009




I personally didn't want anyone around after the baby was born except for my hubby. I wanted peace and quite, the pain to go away, and to be able to prove to myself and everyone else that I didn't need the help. After a few weeks I started wishing I had someone there to help me out. Not with the baby though. I mostly just wanted help with housework and meals. I never got a chance to fix anything to eat so my milk supply went down and I ended up having to stop breastfeeding at 4 1/2 weeks because of it. I would suggest you try to contact them. Don't offer your help though. Just see if they will talk to you first and then gradually work your way up to visiting. I'm sorry they acted that way towards you but I'm sure it was probably just because they were stressed and tired. I wouldn't take it to heart. I hope they let you back into their lives.

JTaira - posted on 09/26/2009




I think maybe they felt like you were trying to take over. When i had my first daughter I didnt want any help from anyone..i didnt even really want anyone but me to touch her because I felt like she was mine and i wanted her to have a really strong bond with me before anyone else. It's just a new mom thing I guess. She's just being overprotective. It'll change eventually and she'll be begging for the help TRUST ME. I mean I dont know the WHOLE situation but I know if it was anything like mine it'll blow over..they just wanted to try tings out for themselves first.

Timbrel - posted on 09/26/2009




Give them time to adapt to their new surroundings and new baby...do not overstep your boundaries...they are starting a family of their own and they may feel just a little bombarded..in time no doubt she will call on you! but for now maybe just send her a text or letter every now and then just letting her know that you are thinking of them and etc...dont be pushy

Vicki - posted on 09/26/2009




Maybe read over some of the "crazy MIL" threads and see if anything sounds familiar.

Trying to help can sometimes seem a lot more like trying to take over to a new mom and dad.

Elizabeth - posted on 09/26/2009




They maybe just need time to find their own footing. It must hurt that they said nasty things to you. I hope that they didn't mean it, and that it was a combination of stress/exhaustions/nerves etc.

My husband got a bit testy with my mum in that first week because I think he felt she was interfering. I think part of it was that he wanted/needed to be my first port of call for support (we needed to be able to function as our own family unit), and also I was quite fragile/vulnerable because so many medical people were giving me conflicting advice already and he didn't want me getting more confused by getting even more advice. At least until I was more sure of myself.

It can be very easy in those first few weeks for well-meaning help and support to be misinterpreted as criticism.

As Nikki said above, maybe send them a card or something, re-congratulating them on their little baby, and indicating that you'd love to see them again soon when they're up for visitors (or when they're up for visiting). If the whole 'new baby' thing has them feeling like they're not really in control, then they might prefer to visit you, rather than the other way around, so that they can end the visit when they need to. I recall not really being able to handle long visits with anyone - family or otherwise - for the first month or so.

Hope everything works out well for you and your family. :)

Nikki - posted on 09/26/2009




Not sure of the situation but maybe they felt like you were trying to take over. Not saying that you were but maybe they felt that way or maybe they just were tired after the baby being born and things got a little carried away. That kind of scenario actually happens alot just give them some space for a little while and maybe write a letter stating your case.... couldn't hurt to try

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