[deleted account] ( 292 moms have responded )
my husband goes to work (he works 3 13hour days per week) and he comes home and complains that i'm not working (i'm a stay at home mom) and he works so hard and he needs his sleep. that being a stay at home mom is not a job--i'm not working because i'm not bringing in a paycheck! every now and then i ask him to help our son because he wakes up screaming (right now our son is sick). so, i am just curious if any husband or baby's daddy helps you out or is selfish and just wants to sleep and watch tv or movies all day.
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MOST HELPFUL POSTS
Jessica - posted on 09/16/2011
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My husband is a good person; educated, intelligent, good looking etc...Now that we have a baby I have realized he is selfish, self centered, and lazy. Yes he goes to work. So what? I do everything I used to do before the baby on top of taking care of the babies needs. Men are annoying, selfish creatures. That is why they are the daddies and we are the mommies. Don't hold your breath waiting for him to do anything. Just count him as another child. It's unfortunate but true.
Craig - posted on 11/28/2013
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Ok I'm a dad I get up at 6a for work get home 6p I pay all the bills I have to cook dinner because my stay at home wife doesnt like to cook and expects me to watch our 5 month old son the rest of the night so she can sleep plus I do the laundry but she complains she doesn't get to do anything but stay with the baby then gets mad because I dj on the on Wednesday til 12a for extra money I think she's selfish and lazy then she gets mad cause I doze off watching movies or don't feel up to sex what's sexy about not coming home to a clean house no dinner and complaints about I can't afford to get her hair done. Am I overreacting here or is she missing the boat?
Nichole - posted on 10/23/2013
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Not at all. I'm exhausted because I'm
Doing it alone. Just like the person above, my husband said "I need sleep for work" when I asked him for help. I'm a psychologist and because of my background I think I understand (at least in part) why husbands don't seem very likely to help out with their children-especially when they're young infants.
Girls learn from a young age that to 'survive' we need to live with a sense of community; of caring for others as our survival depends on the survival of others. We have an innate need to nurture others, even if its to the detriment of our own self preservation. Men on the other hand are taught that self preservation is more important that group preservation. Seems counterintuitive but even male animals will mate and leave their partner to do all the work. I believe it's an inborn drive perhaps because if the man doesn't preserve himself he can't lead and care for his family. So, he puts all his effort into preserving himself so he can go to work to provide. However, he doesn't realize how much his wife is sacrificing by doing everything at home. I think many men get confused about what 'providing' means and forget that part of being a good provider involves providing emotional support- not just a pay check. This happens because men value themselves based on output or what they produce that is measurable. Dollars are measurable; emotions are not (not to them anyway).
Added to all this is the fact that many boys are taught to be tough and not cry or show emotions. If you can't express your emotions you never learn to understand them. And if you can't understand your own emotions, you can't understand anyone else's either. And as a result many men have a lack of empathy for what their wives are going through. They may come off as if they don't care but truly, they can't relate to what we are going through because they lack the skills to be empathic.
I'm still working on changing things in my home. What I've found works is writing a letter to my husband about how I'm feeling when I'm calm and rational and give it to him when he is clear headed as well. Screaming at him doesn't work because when a person becomes angry the rational part of your brain shuts down and the emotional part (the amygdala) takes over. It may also help to leave him with baby for a few hours so he can really see what you go through. Since men lack the skills to show empathy, they may have to
experience it before they can 'get' it!
It takes a lot of work to keep a marriage going after the birth of a child. In fact, the most vulnerable time for a divorce is after the birth of the first child. For this reason it's going to take a lot of communication(while calm) about your feelings and some clear conversations about what you need from him. If he won't budge then it may be time for marriage counseling. Your child needs a stable home to grow up in so it's important.
Lexi - posted on 09/20/2011
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Our arrangement until our son slept through the night was always for me to do it solo on the nights before his work days and on days he had off, he would help more and let me sleep in. He couldn't help with feedings since my son breast fed the first 8 months but he would do diaper changes or stay up if T wouldn't fall back asleep and he'd let me sleep in when T woke up in the morning. During the evenings I expected (and still do) him to change a few diapers, deal with some fussy moments, keep baby distracted while I cooked dinner, etc... He was even a stay at home dad for a few months so I think he has an idea of how much work taking care of a kid actually is. Being a dad is more than just bringing home a pay check. If you are not breastfeeding, I say it's time to take a 2 day trip on his days off and leave baby with him. The rules have to be that he still cook dinner, do laundry and anything else he expects you to do while your "not working". He ought to have a much better understanding of your needs after that. When my husband starts to get caught up in his own stuff and forget what I'm dealing with I remind him that he works 60 hours then gets to come home and have time off. He gets weekends and evenings to do whatever he wants. I work 24/7. I am constantly on call whether day or night. I never get a moment to truly relax because even when the kid's quietly entertaining himself or sleeping I still have to be tuned in to every sound and ready to jump into mommy action any second. Even when I sit on the computer, like now, I'm still working. I've gotten up twice in just typing this paragraph to take the wipes away from him and remind him that it's not ok to climb the book shelf! He's interrupted me multiple times asking for this or that or wanting on my lap. I have to run all my errands, do the house work and everything else with constant interruption. I see this is a very old post so hopefully by now you and hubby have smoothed things out. Best of luck!
Amber - posted on 11/13/2009
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I could see him not wanting to help on nights that he has to work. 13 hour days are rough. Although, the other 4 nights there should be no excuse for him not to help. Just because you stay home with the baby doesn't mean you get to sleep in and lounge all day. I think you should talk to him and let him know that if he continues to do this, it's going to cause resentment and bitterness between the two of you, let him know that you really need his help. I have a stay at home husband, and he gets up with me every night. He gets our 4 month old out of her crib and brings her to me to nurse, he changes her, and he gets me anything I may need. He does this nightly, as much as 3 times a night!