just need advice and support

Stephanie - posted on 08/21/2009 ( 4 moms have responded )




i haven't filed for anything yet, but it seems like its going to me my next move.... so here's my story (i'm using posts i've made other places so i don't have to re type it all)

first off i'm 20 (21 in nov.) and hubby is 25 (26 in nov.) we got married on july 26, 2008

my husband spends all his time on the computer, i go to be every night by myself. last night he didn't even spend time with jasmine. he sat in the back seat of the car with her on the way home from work, but then did nothing but play on the computer. it seems like I'm a single parent, i understand he works all day and needs to relax but he didn't come to bed until 4AM. he doesn't get up in the middle of the night to feed jasmine (he used to but hasn't in over 3 weeks). he claims he doesn't hear her, but most nights when she starts crying he elbows me to wake me up then puts the pillow over his head.
I understand that I'm home all day and don't have to work so its my job to keep the house clean, but I'm not his slave, he doesn't even rinse his dishes and put them in the dishwasher... i just now got him to put his clothes in the hamper after bitching about it for 6months i never knew what was clean or dirty cuz all his clothes ended up on the floor.
I'm so upset and pissed a month ago i asked him to stop playing this stupid computer game he said he would HA that didn't happen.

I'm just so lost at what to do, when we first started dating his house was spotless( yes it was only him there but still) he did his own laundry and cleaned up after himself, not if i don't clean up after him he freaks about the house being a mess.
march 24
we fixed things last night
i went in the bedroom and cried for probably 30 minutes, when i came out to take care of dinner stuff he asked if i was sleeping i said no he asked if i was crying i said YUP he asked why i told him because he spends more time with his computer than me, he replied that he only did that last night cuz he was pissed at me, so i pointed out that he doesn't spend time with jasmine either.. that HIT HIM HARD i could see it in his face. he said he's so sorry and that i'm right and he deleted the game.

well he spends more time with her, but the physical part of our relationship is very lacking.. i almost have to rape him to get more than a peck for a kiss.... i'm still doing all the house work, but he does pick up his clothes MOST of the time now.. i told him from now on when i do laundry on Thursdays if its not in the hamper i'm NOT washing it..
jasmine is teething and she was so fussy yesterday i had a headache when i picked him up at work, we got home i warmed dinner while he put her to bed(first time in 3 months he has done everything to get her ready for bed) then we sat down and ate... after dinner instead of cuddling me and spending some time with me to help me unwind from my very stress full day he gets on the computer.. grrr so i just went to bed... i wish he thought sometimes a lil back rub would have helped me relax but nope
sometimes i wish i was a computer.. then i'd be important

today my grandparents came out and took me to lunch for mothers' day (yum)...
Paul half ass told me happy mothers' day and didn't even get me a card. i think i may have slight PPD.. but i think most of it comes from feeling unappreciated... i asked him for some cuddle time (i know I'm not getting sex, my shot runs out on Friday and he doesn't want to chance it, even though after my 4 week appointment when the doc told me that we had to use protection or not have sex until i was on BC... then he was like a horny teenager, but now nothing.. he wont even make out with me.) and he said he would be a Lil while longer on the computer then he would spend time with me.... that was at 8:30.... I feel like I'm just the Nanny/chef/maid/chauffeur.. but some times i just want to be his wife.. I'M SICK OF COMING SECOND TO THE COMPUTER!!!!
Update!!!!!!!!!!! evilness things aren't getting any better... we go like 6 weeks with out sex he just keeps making excuses to why he doesn't want to have sex with me... he told me a few weeks ago he wasn't attracted to me anymore because i had gained weight and wasn't taking care of myself.... I JUST HAD A BABY WTF!!! and when do i have time to take care of myself.. i'm luck if i have time to even remember to shower everyday

then last night he started bitching about how the house is a mess.. its not a mess there are lil things laying around.. and jasmine's toys are out most of the day.. an oh no i didn't get time to sit down and fold the 8 loads of laundry my sister and i washed the other day... its my fault he's too lazy to hang his shirts back up after work.. if they didn't get thrown on the floor they wouldn't get wrinkled or dirty

he told me i should take a few days off and he will show me how easy it is to take care of jasmine and keep the house clean... i don't think he realizes its harder than he thinks.... he doesn't even get up with her for breakfast... how does he think he will do when i'm not here to get up with her

sorry this is so long.. i just need advice and support.. when he gets home from work tonight i'm going to try to talk to him again... he says he wants to be married to me but has a bad was of showing it

what do you ladies think, i've tried to talk to him about it, but he doesn't let me finish a sentence, he keeps saying i know i notice more than you think and says he's trying to change, but nothing is changing. I love him very much, but i'm not sure how much longer i can deal with this...


View replies by

Kristen - posted on 08/22/2009




I did suffer from ppd and i felt the exact same way (not to say you do have ppd). I was able to visit my mom for awhile, and I came back a different person. I think you need time away from him and you need someone’s help. I strongly believe that you should leave the baby with him, even if it's for one night and one day . . . that’s long enough to make him realize the work that is involved with just the baby, not even to mention the housework. I know you've tried talking to him but all I can say is to keep trying. I was somewhat embarrassed to talk to my husband about how i was feeling. I would tell him bits and pieces here and there but he did not get it till i sat him down and said it all at one time. Tell him that he has to listen! Take a break from the house, go somewhere, it was the BEST thing i did for myself and for my marriage.

Natalie - posted on 08/22/2009




I really feel for you and the situation your in - I agree with the other ladies that you should take a weekend away or longer if you can(stay with family) or better yet leave him with Jasmine for a weekend so he get the drift of how hard it is. Sounds like he is not sure what he want himself - I hated my body while I was pregnant and use to tell myself how fat and ugly I had gotten and when bub was born although I lost all the weight my tummy was not what it use to be and I was still harboring bad feeling about how I looked, but my hubby would tell me every day how amazing my body was and how he loved it so much more for giving him a little baby girl that It made me feel good!!! that is what you deserve!! nothing less - you grew his child and gave up your body, don't let him make you feel bad about yourself!!!
I hope it works out for you
Has he ever been unfaithful to you?

Toni - posted on 08/21/2009




I think you should let him try to manage the house and your daughter like he said. alot of guys say this then realise how much harder it is then they think. If thats not possible- first of all i want to tell you that your not crazy- what your feeling is very ligit. and i think ive felt it to some degree. I would like to say however- HOW DARE HE say you arent attractive because youve gained weight and dont take care of yourself- how about YOU GAINED WEIGHT GROWING HIS CHILD FOR 9 MONTHS INSIDE YOU AND HE SHULD BE PLEASED YOUR BODY COULD DO SUCH A MAGNIFICENT THING FOR HIS LIFE. lol sorry thats in caps but i cannot believe he said that to you.. honestly lol thats too far.

About the house cleaing and stuff- i know where you are coming from - its the same here- i run the house- but my boyfriend doesnt nag me about it- if he did - ouu id tell him where to go. Tell him that he has to take initiave to help make your life easier while you are trying to make his as easy as you can while caring for your daughter. He should be in charge of picking up his clothes and putting them in the basket so you know what to launder- it takes what maybe 10 mins tops- and hes grown up enough to handle that.

As for the computer situation- its sad how an inatimate object is making you feel 2nd best.. and taking time and strength away from your relationship, and his time away from your daughter.. I would just tell him that he needs to realise what is really important and what is a priority. that game will be there tomorow..will you? with the frustration you seem to have just from reading that msg- its hard to say how much more you will put up with. I think he needs to realise that... he can always play that game... but will he always get to hang out with you... bond with his daughter.. watch her smile for the first time..these are things that are worth seeing and doin over a PC game anyday.

Im really sorry that your having such a hard time, but you can get through this, maybe with some priority and responsibilty adjustments your man will come around... keep at it.. youll get there :)

Brynne - posted on 08/21/2009




Take your daughter and go somewhere for a weekend when he will be at home alone to think about things. Time apart is helpful, if you feel strong enough to go for a week do it, the longer you are gone the more he will realize how much he needs you and then maybe he will appreciate you more.

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