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People I Want to Punch in the Throat

A sarcastic and sometimes satirical view on life through the eyes of an irritated suburban mom.

Jen is a winner of Top 25 Funny Moms - 2013

What's the funniest thing your child has ever done or said?

My 5 year old daughter was sure my husband was having an affair:

Adolpha: Mommy, where's Daddy?
Me: He's at work.
Adolpha: How do you know he's at work?
Me: What do you mean?
Adolpha: I mean how do you know? Maybe he tells us he's at work and really he's meeting a girlfriend. [Whoa. Where is that coming from - you're 5!? Actually, I have an idea. A close family member has been going through a divorce this year and it's been weighing heavily on my kids and worrying them that we might meet the same fate.]
Me: No, I trust Daddy. Daddy doesn't have a girlfriend. He has me. [But, of course, now I start wondering. Does Adolpha know something I don't?? Has she picked up on something the Hubs let slip?] Hey Adolpha...has Daddy ever mentioned a girlfriend before?
Adolpha: No. [Maybe she's seen something.]
Me: Has Daddy ever introduced you to a lady when I wasn't around?
Adolpha: No!
Me: OK, [phew] see? Daddy doesn't have a girlfriend. If he did we'd see him with someone we don't know or he'd talk about her sometimes.
Adolpha: I think he's with Miss Marlene [a close friend of mine].
Me: What??! [I'll kill him!] How do you know? Why do you think that?
Adolpha: 'Cause, she's your prettiest friend. She's a little prettier than you. He would want a pretty girlfriend. Y'know, one prettier than you. [Gee, thanks, kid.]

A couple hours later, the Hubs got home and I "casually" mentioned the conversation I'd had with Adolpha: "Adolpha thinks you're a cheating bastard. Are you cheating on me, you jerk? Do you think Marlene is prettier than me?"
He laughed and called me crazy.

I laughed and then demanded to see his cell phone records. After he handed over his phone so I could check all his incoming and outgoing calls, emails, and text messages we went to put Adolpha to bed and have a talk with her.

Hubs: Why would you say I have a girlfriend?
Adolpha: Because Mommy doesn't love you as much as you love her. She only loves you this much. [Pinches her fingers.]

Hubs laughs and nods.

Hubs: Yup!

Me: Adolpha! Why would you say that? That's not true at all. [At least I don't think it is. True, there are some days that I love him less, but not every day.]

Adolpha: Yes it is. Girls always break boys' hearts because they don't love them as much as boys love them. It's OK that Daddy loves you more, but...he might get a girlfriend 'cause you don't love him enough.

Hubs (chuckling): Goodnight, my smart girl.

And so there you have it: Love advice from Adolpha. She's basically told me my friends are too pretty and I'd better step up my game a bit and convince the Hubs I love him more or else he just might get a girlfriend.

What always makes you laugh?

Whenever I need a laugh I talk to my kids, my husband or my girlfriends. They all fill a different need. My kids crack me up, because they have no filter and just say whatever is on their mind. The Hubs kills me, because he's always got a funny outlook on life and he's so sarcastic and dry he can make anything hilarious. My girlfriends make my sides hurt from laughing so much.

What's the funniest gift you've ever received?

I received tampons from a boy I had a crush on. You can read all about it here: