Fed up and Praying God will help me through...

Crystal - posted on 12/06/2009 ( 21 moms have responded )

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I truly hope it's just hormones, but lately I can't stand my husband. I can't sleep at night due to snoring, bed hogging, sneezing (I think my allergies are more sensitive and I am reacting more to his daily sneak smoking), and his god awful plan of setting an alarm for 4 a.m. 5 a.m. but never getting up until the snooze on his second alarm goes off twice. Oh and then there's the candy crinkle for his midnight snacks not to mention his flatulance makes me feel like hurling and has on a regular basis to be honest.

When he comes home from working the feedlot he doesn't take off his clothes and put them in the washer right away... somedays he just lays them over a chair by the laundry room. Thanks to my nausea I can't change wash some days because I'll make it halfway downstairs and have to go back to the toilet thanks to the odor. His shoe removal issue makes me even more upset.

Now I know there is some of this that is bugging me because of my nausea, but seriously I also know he didn't behave this badly when I had the energy to be up and around. Just because I'm so sick doesn't give his the right to make a stinky mess out of our home.

I've politely as possible and admittingly sometimes very rudely asked him not to continue with these things. I don't stand for it when it doesn't make me puke much less now. His response seems to be... you'll sleep while I'm gone so no big deal, I'm doing us all a favor if I rewear my clothes less work for you and kailee (my nine year old) to do, and I'm just bringing stuff in (about the shoes)...

The shoe thing really gets me cause he has cow feces all over them. It's simply unsanitary and we've had that fight on and off forever. I even put different shoes in the garage he could change out of to come to the house but because it's winter and he's cold he doesn't want to switch them out there. So instead he wears the boots in my house and stinks it up then puts the boots right outside the backdoor so when I let the dog out to go potty I again have to visit the toilet.

I'm so ready to be done!!! By done I mean leave. It is just so uncaring and disrespectful and now that his sneak habits and disregard for our complaints about his stench make me ill to top it off it just makes me so mad!!!

What can I do to make this situation better? I really don't want to give up now, but I can't seem to get him so see my point on any of the issues. I'm tired of hearing how he was good with two kids and the results of having this one is just what I have to put up with...

Please advice and suggestions here!!

21 Comments

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Stephanie - posted on 12/13/2009

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As for the pregnancy problems you can take comfort in the fact that it will be over eventually...the marriage is different...I think you should watch the movie Fireproof...it changed the way I looked at my marriage....and my relationship with God

Amy - posted on 12/09/2009

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I understand and will keep you im my prayers. I will also send you an email. I really do understand alot of what you are saying. I am not a complainer either but sometimes things just drive you crazy and what really can get to you is when you are powerless over the whole thing. Have a blessed day. God bless you and your new baby.

Heather - posted on 12/09/2009

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Ladies, I love you all and am very glad that this community has brought us all together, but I would like to ask you to please refrain from bashing your husbands. There is nothing godly about doing so.

Ephesians 4:29
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

The Love Dare and Fireproof are great suggestions, they also reminded me of an on-line challenge that I went through last year. It was a 30-day husband encouragement challenge. It was great. It is sent to your e-mail daily (kind of an on-line version of the Love Dare...) any way, if you want the info on it let me know!

Pam - posted on 12/09/2009

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Crystal hang in there! My husband and I have been married 7 years and there's not a day that goes by that we don't argue about something. He's selfish, slef-centered, judgemental and impatient, but I love him and I made a covenant God and my husband to see this marriage through to death.

My husband was injured at work almost 2 years ago and has been off work since the third month after his injury due to treatments exacerbating the pain the injury caused. Doctors has not been able to pinpoint the cause of the pain, therefore, treatment has had minimal success. I work 40+ hours/week at a job that I commute to an hour and a hlaf every day. By the time I get home, I'm tired and ready to relax, but dinner must be cooked and served, laundry folded, other household chores done and our daughter (who is 4) needs a bath, prepared for the next day and tucked into bed. After all that, I have yet to get my things gathered for the next day and shower before going to bed.

He DOES wash and dry laundry and washes dishes (although by hand-he refuses to use the dishwasher for no logical reason and he rarely puts away the dishes).

I can completely understand your frustration, but God has called us to live up to His expectations in our marriage. I would suggest getting the Love Dare and doing that on your husband. With hormones affecting you they way they are, this will be expecially difficult...if you need extra encouragement, watch the movie "Fireproof," pray incessently and before you even roll out of bed each morning, commit the day to the LORD. Each time you feel you blood begin to boil, speak a silent prayer for strength. Most importantly, pray for you husband....

La Wanda - posted on 12/08/2009

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My dear sister, stay in your faith fight. I know how you feel. I had a miserable time during my first tri-mester of my second pregnancy. I was miserable for about 4 months. Almost everything made me nauseous. I was nauseated almost everyday, throughout the day. I had a prayer partner who I could turn to when I was going through my difficulties. Everyone needs a prayer partner, even when times are good; and especially when times are challenging. When I had my mood swings and my discomfort, and when it appeared that my husband was unloving or uncaring, I would turn to the Lord and my prayer partner to help me through those times......

My dear sister, know that God loves you very, very, very much and he has an awesome plan for your life. Speak to your body and call it healed. Speak to your baby and say receive God's healing in Jesus name. Focus your mind and energy on the word of the Lord and be positive....It may be difficult at times, however do your best to stay in an environment that is comforting for you and your baby. Through it all just give God the praise... I too had thoughts of walking away at times from my spouse, on more than one occasion, but I am glad that I allowed the Father to work it out... You all will be in my prayers. God bless you dear Crystal

Stina - posted on 12/08/2009

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Prayer is the only thing I know. Check out Stormie OMartian's Power of a praying Wife. She also wrote one for husbands in partnership with her husband, but in the 3 years since a friend gave us these books, my DH hasn't touched his. Still it's a great book. Great tool. It's hard to completely hate someone you are praying for. ;-)

I do understand the nauseousness at your man's smelly habits.

this past pregnancy, I couldn't stand coming home from work and opening our bedroom door. He's a chef so his uniform smells of whatever they served that day and he smokes. I keep praying God will free him of his addiction(s). Sometimes when I'm very fed up, I even ask God why I am here... but when I am honest with God, he usually reveals where I need to soften my heart and see my husband the way he sees him. So I'm left with waiting on God's timing and learning to focus on what needs to change in me.

Praying your husband will be more considerate of your pregnancy hormones and illness- and will adopt more sanitary house habits. And that he will be able to kick the smoking habit. That those nasty things will taste like the garbage they are and he will never crave another one as long as he lives.

Michelle - posted on 12/08/2009

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Have you talked to your Pastor or Pastors wife for help? My husband and I have been through the hardest year and half and we are just starting out and the guidance from the spiritual leaders in our lives far surpassed anything from friends family or others. Normally in the world we live in people would say yep you are dealing with too much and you need to leave but honestly think about your kids and you future child. I have been divorced and so has my husband and we are now in a blended family and believe me that is the hardest thing to try and mesh. You have a husband who loves you and your kids and granted you are extremly irritable now due to your nausea but don't throw away what you have for a small time of relief. Believe me you will regret it. My Pastors wife always tells me when I am aggrivated to the breaking point that marriage is spelled W-O-R-K. And there should never even be the consideration of leaving unless there is adultery or domestic violence. Remember "This too Shall Pass". You can do it. With God on your side what can stand against you. With God all things are possible. I hope this has helped in some way. I will pray for you and your situation for the peace and love of God to fill your heart and mind when you are dealing with your husband.
God Bless You and you family,
Michelle

Janet - posted on 12/08/2009

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I know someone who husband worked 2 jobs to support his wife and their 5 kids. He was verb abuseive to his wife. She was a Christian and would not say anything back to defend herself, she would just pray. One day he asked her for a divorce , which put her in a nervisebrake down. Well After 40 years of praying that man was saved they live happy and very much in love.I know things are tough but prayer and councleing is better then to throw it away because God has blessing for you if you keep faithful.

Brandy - posted on 12/08/2009

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Wow, I am so sorry you are having a difficult pregnancy, I can relate! My children are 15 and 13 but wow, when I was pregnant with my son my sense of smell was elevated, the smell of meat sent me into a whirl wind! I lost my self in that pregnancy because I found out that I had health issue unknown before, I gained weight as I was fit previous, lost my sex drive and it took years to get it back and then when I did it was because i was pregnant with my daughter( God has ways to work things out, hah?). My point is: we all go through the terrible parts of pregnancy and I know you are having a difficult time but it will soon pass. Think about the wonderful parts because if you dont you will never get them back. It only lasts for 9 months and only women are given this special gift.
Okay, your husband is gonna be unable to stop farting so your gonna have to deal for a while(so sorry, I know men can stink with that issue LOL) BUT he can leave the shoes out doors and clean them so it is not making anyone sick.Your right, it is not too much to ask of him but stop farting Im not sure he can stop that. I think that would be a good compromise...you deal with the farting but he cleans up after the shoes, right? Maybe he is just so used to it that he doesnt realize what hes bring into the home?

Are you sure the real issue is that you are upset with is the fact that he is sneaking behind your back about smoking??? Just hear me out, when we know that someone is lying and keep things from us we get saddened and upset then we focus on snoring, farting because we are loosing sleep over the real issue, the lie! Did you ask him about the smoking?It is hard to quit but I know he can do it.
What made you want to marry him? Remember those things in the mist of difficult situations, it can help.
This is one verse that I have placed on my fridge:
"A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver" Proverbs 25:11
I give this advice with love because I know how hard marriage and life can be and every one needs to feel like someone is listening when the one we love the most does not hear our cries. Have you asked for God's advice yet? My sister in law asked me this one time and I realized I had not, I had asked everyone else instead. When I asked the Lord, the message came so profoundly I could not ignore it. She was the instrument to get me to go to the one that matter the most, God! Hopefully, I can be that for you too!
Many Blessings,
Brandy Dowen

Sandra - posted on 12/08/2009

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One thing that has really helped my marriage is realizing that if my husband has a relationship with God; i know that God is also dealing with his heart in all situations. We as woman need to make our husbands feel appreciate even for the little things they do and they will hopefully desire to do more that they can feel appreciated for. I know it is hard not to nag at the things that bother other but if we bring it up in the right way and talk thru concerns the outcome is much better than nagging. Not saying you nag... but I did alot in the beginning of my marriage. It so important to put Christ in the center of your marriage and allow Him to change both your hearts in a situations like this. Even when pregnancy is difficult we need to realize a child is a blessing and it's all worth it in the end. Allow God to search your heart and pray for God to search your husband's heart and show him that you need support thru this pregnancy. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and He saves those whose spirits have been crushed." Psalm 34:18
The Lord is always teaching us and we need faith in His plan to get thru. I pray that your family is blessed by the new baby and that your marriage becomes stronger than ever.
Sandra D

Chrystal - posted on 12/08/2009

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I've recently listened to a book on tape about Christian marriages. I can't remember what it was called. The thing I do remember, however, is that it advised making a list about all the things you love about your husband, no matter how small they are. You are supposed to look at this list every day and to memorize it. Think about it when he upsets you or just when you have nothing else to do. It has helped me fall in love with my husband all over again and will hopefully help you as well.

Bev - posted on 12/07/2009

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As hard as it may be, try to remember, that snoring, farting stinky man is a gift from God...made especially for you!

Ginger - posted on 12/07/2009

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I would read, Thriving in a difficult marriage. I heard an interview with the writers on Focus on the Family. I am going to buy it. I understand exactly how you feel. Different matters, but the selfishness and inconsideration and then they make you feel like you are over reacting and that you have no right to feel the way that you do. All the while, they think all is well. Pray and get the book. You can hear the interview on focus on the family web site. Hope this helps.

Anne - posted on 12/07/2009

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Crystal, I will keep you in my Prayers. I know this may sound trite And I Do Not Mean it That Way! Have you made a list of what you DO like about your husband, and read it often? Also a list of things that bother you because of the nausea and how much it would help you feel better if he could honor your request to change these things.
My husband and I are weeks short of 30 years of marriage. I can honestly say that when my husband has "acted like a jerk" it has been when my health has been an issue, for me it is usually pain (long story I will not take the time to explain) that he can not DO ANYTHING ABOUT to make it better. I have found that God wired women to be nurturing and men to protecters. BUT when men can not help to protect by changing what is happening they can go into, what the nurturing part of women, take as uncaring. I hope this has helped and I did not ramble too much.

Crystal - posted on 12/07/2009

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Joy,
I'm not offended at all. I have accepted christ as my savior a long time ago and was finally baptisted when I was 24. I belong to two churches because of the fact my husband works every other weekend we go to church with my parents that weekend and to our church the other weekend. As a matter of fact Kailee (my oldest) was baptisted the day before her 9th birthday.

Without God I would never have accecpting losing my sister 10 years ago or my 13 year old nephew this last June. For all things there is a a time and a season. What's so strange for me is I'm usually you. LOL (the one giving advice and reminding others that is what God is for. Honestly I'm not usually this way. Thank you so much for reminding me I guess there is always a time we need reminding....*hugs* .

I guess as far as talking to others about this I don't have many people I would feel comfortable talking to about it. Mainly because it's just not the usual me.

As an update... I have spoken with Bill about all of this again... (unfortunately I have to admit I cried, but they were not intended as any emotional blackmail, I just couldn't not cry). However God must have needed me too cause the crying has made me feel better emotionally and Bill more understanding. He's even skipping Chili until he can find bean-o LOL.

I also think Kailee loves playing nurse and I know she's learning a lot!! Jadyn is really needy right now and pretty impatient about is it baby time yet LOL. And yes I am very blessed. I will try and post their pictures in about an hour so you can see just how blessed!!!

Much Love and God Bless!!

Finally finding the path I needed thanks to all of you!!!

Joy - posted on 12/07/2009

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Oh, Crystal? Please do not be offended by this... but have you accepted Christ as your Savior? I'm just wondering...

Joy - posted on 12/07/2009

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Crystal, do you have anyone at your church in real life who can come over and be with you and pray with you and help out at all? Call your church (assuming you already have one) and ask. It seems that you really need someone to listen. But I will tell you that you should be mindful of complaining. Tell GOD your troubles and GIVE them to Him. He will remove them from you and help you through. The more we talk about our problems the more we TAKE them back from Him and don't let Him work stuff out. Remember, your heart is deceptive and you must LEAD it; not follow it like the world has taught us to do!

You need to focus and think on things that are GOOD and come from God the Bible says. Children are a blessing and a miracle... try to adjust your thinking and realize just how blessed you are. I have been trying to get pregnant for 10 years and finally did with my son Jacob who is now 4. Now for the last four years I have been praying for another child and got pregnant and found out last Christmas we were. What a Christmas present! However last May at 6 1/2 months my precious 2nd son Joseph David was stillborn... you need to focus on God and Who He is and His provision in your life. The opening of your womb is a miracle and blessing the Bible says! You are fortunate to be able to be a stay at home Mom! That you CAN sleep while your husband is gone... that you have children to HELP you cook suppper! Don't feel guilty that your 9 year old is helping; it's a life lesson for her. This is a teachable time; whether you realize you are teaching your children or not; you are. Be sure you are teaching them how to be overcomers and that they can do ALL things through Christ who gives them strength; ask them to pray with you and lift you up and to forgive you for your difficulty lately. They will become a source of true help and strength to you. And remember to help yourself and God will do what you can't! You CAN get out of bed and be thankful! You CAN!!!!

I can relate with the nausea; I had the entire time my 2nd pregnancy and was constantly throwing up (my Great Dane puppy was 16 weeks old and HUGE already and was having pooping accidents -she's a nervous pooper- until she grew into her new huge body and could learn when she had to go and what to do to let me know and I was constantly cleanig up horse sized puppy poo and peuking right into the bag as I cleaned it... YOU'LL BE OK!!!!! This too shall pass and you'll have a new bundle of Joy and Blessing straight from God's arms to yours!!!!!! Focus on opening your hearts and lives to this new precious and innocent little miracle and readying your children for it and your perspective will begin to change. You MUST choose to guide your thougths and be positive. SATAN comes to steal kill and destroy marriages and families. Don't think for one second that you feeling despair and heartache is not just exactly what he has planned... be strong and courageous! You are blessed!!!!

Goodness, keep the lines of communication open and positive with your husband. Think of the words you say and be mindful that these are the first words that your precious growing child is hearing in all it's whole entire life and that you want them to be good and kind and loving and life-sustaing words... that should help you. Be blessed (walk in the blessing you have been given) and you will become a blessing! And your husband will see changes in you and realize something is different. Ask God to speak to his heart. I am praying for you and he and your children right now. May the Lord give you a double portion of His Love and Presence right now. God Bless you!!!!! Open your heart and receive it girl. You cannot fully and completely LOVE YOUR HUSBAND or your children if you do not feel yourself the Perfect Love of God. I'm asking Him to show you how much He loves you right now and for you to be able to open your eyes and see it and know it and feel it. He created you for such a time as this. You are a wonderful wife and mother; for He made you that way!!!!

-Have you tried the Love Dare yet? It's excellent and it may help you; I know it helped my husband and me!!! Love ya girl!!!

Crystal - posted on 12/06/2009

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Yes there is anger there. My side because I've requested small things to alleviate my illness in this pregnancy only to be met with a feeling of "cowgirl up" from all of my family. And to be honest before I went through this I would have felt the same way. My only salvation in this is a facebook friend of my husbands who had this with all three of her pregnancies.



My mom only finally understood after I stayed with her one evening because I got too sick to make it home. After that she's been pretty awesome. My husband on the other hand seems to think I should be just like my last pregnancy. I was sick with Jadyn from month 2 until about two weeks before delivery. However I got sick in the a.m. first thing, rinsed my mouth after my oldest had to jump out of the way, we cleaned the bathroom and on my way after that. Annoying believe me but nothing compared to this one. I'm have nausea so bad they had prescribed gels and pills to assist and all it does is keep it down but I still feel nausea most of the day. Also side effects include extreme headaches, constipation (and not just a little), tireness/drowiness. Not a pretty picture to say the least.



We've been married four and a half years and we were actively trying to have another baby which was a mutual decision. We had both said if it doesn't happen (after a year of trying) we're happy with the two girls and my step-son. Two weeks later I was pregnant. So I think out of frustration when I'm trying to explain why for the 10th day in a row all I managed was food for the kids and sometimes poor Kailee had to finish supper he snaps that he was fine with just two.



I know it's hard on him, but it's very hard on me physically and emotionally. I've give him this he did clean up the living room area (we had lots of heavy trunks of education toys upstairs) to make room for the tree. I wrapped most of the gifts but at least he did that. I'm not saying he does nothing at all. It's just that honestly if you know what your doing is making someone sick / sicker just stop until they get better???



Is that honestly so tough??



Anyway we have done counseling and it's been a tough road to here... longer than you want to read believe me.... but this last year until I got pregnant was really our best overall. Even with losing my newphew in June. So I have to admit to additional emotional stress along with the pregnancy hormones don't help.



But thank you, all of you, honestly lately I feel like there is so much on my plate I want to quit... just shut down and not feel... and I'm sure my husband is reacting to that as well... when you're ill things are just harder.

Heather - posted on 12/06/2009

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If you really don't want to give up, read through 1 Corinthians 13. Love is a choice. You can pick apart your husband piece by piece and make him seem like the worst man in the world, we all could, but we have to chose not to. We have to chose to look for the good in our husbands. To use the old saying, what would Jesus do? He had a tax collector for a disciple. He chose to see the good. He chooses to see the good in each of us, because trust me, there is also a long list of complaints that our husband's can make about us. It's a two way street, and we have to work together. We have to love together. We have to make an effort to love each other and make it work. It won't be easy, and he wont change all of his habits now, or maybe even ever, but if he sees you making an effort, I bet that he will too. Maybe not right away, but he will.



Instead of being upset that he is smoking, see it as a weakness, and pray for him to gain strength over it. Instead of being upset about his snoring, love him through it, when he snores he doesn't sleep as well either. Every negative thing about our husbands is just a reason that they need our love all the more. Nobody is perfect.



Matthew 19:5-6

'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."



I will be praying for you. Look to God, he will help you love your husband in a new way.

Regina - posted on 12/06/2009

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Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, my Prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, presents your requests to God. Phillipians 4:6 Are you pregnant? if so step back and try to take things slowly. Dont throw away a marriage on such trivial matters. Read the bible and turn to God who loves you and doesn't want you to hurt.

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