My daughter just turn 16.

Ellen - posted on 07/09/2013 ( 14 moms have responded )

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I am hearing that alot of teens at high school are bi. Well my daughter is straight edge that mean what it says and also no drinking or drugs. My daughter join the Drama club and loves it, what bothers me is it's so hard for teens girls. So many girls are saying they like dating boys and girls and their so open about it. I feel sorry for my daughter the fight she goes through. So far she is a good girl and has her own mind and has no problem saying no. I hope she keeps it up what do you do when this is in your teens life. I pray everyday for both my teens

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Kecia - posted on 07/14/2013

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I don't have any girls, however I have 4 boys... 23, 22, 19 and 10. I am certain I would have told daughters the same things I told my boys.... That peer pressure is going to be something that you deal with throughout your entire life. In high school, it is probably the hardest to deal with because we want to fit in so badly. But being true to ourselves is really the best answer. I mean, it is very difficult to live with oneself if we are going against what we know we aren't. Does that make sense?
I feel it's very important for our teens to surround themselves with people who are kind and also free thinkers. Going with the group mentality isn't right and all my children have been taught that from the get go. We have a brain.... USE IT. Don't get me wrong, one of my sons did give in to a bit of peer pressure at one time... When I asked him why, he said he didn't know and that he didn't even enjoy what he'd done because he knew that it was wrong. I love when a teaching moment pops up and we are able to help our kids through those moments with a clearer perspective on things.
I will say this, I find it a bit troubling that you say your daughter is a good girl in comparison with a girl who might be bisexual. I am not a judge... my Lord is the Judge and so it's not up to me to say someone isn't "good" because of who they fall in love with. Lump that in with a drug user, yes, but someone's sexuality, no.
You ask, "what do you do when this is in your teens life?" Exactly what you are asking i'm unsure.... are you asking how I deal with my children and the peer pressure they deal with on a regular basis? If so, this is how..........
I believe that open communication is always the answer and as long as you and your child have love and trust and open dialogue, then you are off to a good start. If a child knows that they can come to their parents with questions or concerns and OPENLY talk to them about whatever it is without feeling judged or ridiculed, you will continue to keep those lines of communication open.
If so far, your daughter hasn't given you any reason to worry, she's gained your trust... then relax a little bit. It sounds like, from what you've said about her, that she is doing the right thing. Keep talking to her about her life (without being pushy or intrusive.... well, not too intrusive.... we have a right to know what our children are doing) and how she is dealing with what is going on at school. Make sure she is ok and y'all will get through this time in her life with little injury. :o) Best of luck to you.

Carla - posted on 07/09/2013

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Hi, Ellen. Angela and I differ in our points of view on hetrosexual vs homosexual. We try to tread lightly in our responses because we have a long online relationship, and I value her insight.

She is, however, absolutely right about the bi-curious. I tried it, wasn't crazy about it, and went back to boys/men. I was maybe 19 or so, but married with two children. My son came to me when he was about 17 and confided he thought maybe he was gay. We sat down and thoroughly discussed the issue. What we came up with was this: During the teenage years, hormones are raging. We try as best we can (or sometimes not) to sort out these hormonal feelings. Friendships are very important during this time, so we form close relationships, but with the hormones raging, it's difficult to separate true friendship-al feelings from love-feelings (or lust, whichever). Once he had this information, he was able to assess his guy-friends vs girl-friends, and call the love what it was. He LOVED his long-time friends, but not in the same way he loved (or lusted) girls.

This was a very difficult discussion for a mother, but we got through it, with God's help. I hope our experience can help you and your daughter in the days to come.

God bless, hon

Loretta - posted on 07/13/2013

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I have two grown daughters and they were beautiful girls with many opportunities to date. But my oldest did not date until the end of her junior year, and it was the young man she married 6 years later. My second daughter had one brief boyfriend in highschool, but otherwise chose to just have lots of friends and did not begin dating seriously until she was 20. I never made a rule that they couldn't date, but this is what I told them from the time they began talking about boys in "that way". Boys are like apples. Some of them are going to be very sweet and some will end up a bit wormy. But while you are teenagers, it is very difficult to tell which are which because none of them are really ripe yet. The best thing to do is let them have time to ripen and wait to pick one until it's easier to tell them apart. Many times when they came close to a dating relationship, they would come home and tell me, "Never mind--he's not ripe yet." I felt like this was better than giving them the message that something is inherantly wrong with boys. I also emphasized their RELATIONSHIP with God over anything else. Amazingly, the work of God in their hearts was above and beyond anything I could have created in them. They are such beautiful young women with a beautiful faith. Keep praying and trust God to care as much about your daughter as you do!

Marilyn - posted on 07/26/2013

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I think prayer is the most important thing you can do for your children. Lots and lots of prayer. Maybe you could sit down with your daughter and ask what her opinion is of her bisexual friends, and why? Be careful not to judge them. Make sure she understands that even though you don't agree with their sexuality, you're not condemning them as bad people. Criticizing your teenager's friends is the surest way to push them away from you!

If your daughter is open to it, explain your views on sexuality with sound reasoning behind it. Present it as your personal beliefs, and let her know that you are glad she's straight (please don't phrase it as "being good", or she'll feel defensive/condemned if she ever does anything different) but that you will love her always no matter what. Best of luck to you!

Tammy - posted on 07/15/2013

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I agree with a lot of this but, so many parents have stories of when they were teens n what they did but expect our kids to learn from what we did. Many kids will do exactly what u don't want to prove u wrong, some will hide who they r out of fear. I never seen myself as bi but after a bad marriage of abuse to not only me but my kids I was approached by what I thought was just a really good Freind who actually was in live with me. Although I said no on many occasions, I was alone a single mom with the first person who ever treated me like a person n we did take it to the next level! My mom who was my best Freind told me I was dead to her! It was the worst day of my entire life! I as a mom couldn't do this to my kids n I couldn't understand. My mom was brought up in the church but we were made to go as small children (without our parents) we never were talked to about sex except Dont do it! We had a very large family my dad one of 15 n most were men that really didnt treat women right n talked a lot about sexual acts like having 3somes xtra! With my boys I vowed to love them for their faults n good things!! N talk talk talk!!!! So to answer your question open dialogue n if u don't understand find someone who does.. I have heard of a lot of girls doing this because of relationships their moms had. I don't have girls a few of my sons x gf's r actualy coupled now so it is going on!! My Xgf n my xhusband r now married n no abuse is there but I guess looking in I liked the same things about both of them that they were better suited for each other. My husband now of 8yrs has been more then living about this time in my life. (As she n i had a child together n I am a active part of my sons life!!) I made that commitment when we decided to have him. I know this is the last thing a mom wants to hear, but we r not the judge only the one n only can do that. All you can do is love n teach from there it's up to them. (My boys r 24,20,16,10 now I will pray for u to help your daughter through these very different days!!

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Tammy - posted on 07/17/2013

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Angela you are correct with my history.. It is very hard to talk about as a Christian woman and know I won't be judged. I have a child that was born with kidney issues, he had a one in a million chance of survival, he had many surgeries but the year i started this relationship My own parents told me God was punishing my child due to my sins of being gay! At that point I had always been a believer n saved but never read scripture myself n only went off what my parents n family taught. I was in my young 20,s when I had him n I felt that god gave me this child, I named him Matthew-meaning gift from god.
But after I was disowned by my family & they blamed me for his health declinng I fell into a deep depression n started having health issues myself! I started digging into the word as my, his health declined they found a mass in my face n my partner called my mom n we started to talk again. n then my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer. After masectomy, chemo radiation She got a little better for few years. We never really got our relationship on track although I stayed with her after surgeries, chemo ect.. Then at 5 yr point it was back n we lost her in 07! It was the worst day of my life first I had lost my mom but the realization I would never have the day to have our old relationship back!! BEFORE my same sex relationship mom n I where close we even worked together at the post office n even when I was younger at the hospital. But it was the worst thing ever!!

Anyway the relationship with my xfer partner ended because we weren't welcome in the gay community nor in the family community. When she was young she had told her mom she was attracted to women n they were very accepting, as matter of fact they r all involved in our lives n has been a mother figure for me n loves me n my husband of 8yrs. But we struggled daily of not fitting in. For me after my parents n I weren't talking I didn't care who knew I wasn't ashamed at all, but for her she had family acceptance but it was the not fitting in with others thing n it ended. We do have a child together, he is 10.
I won't go into details but he is my kids biological half brother. She had him. N this connection between my xhusband of 10yrs n my xpartner of 6 made them close n they got married n have been 7yrs now. Our family dynamic is very AWSOME n loving. They also now have a daughter n are adopting a newphew n all the kids call both moms-mom n both dads-dad. We try not to use the word step child but people can be see weird n sometimes u just have to.
The reason I felt this was important on this topic of teens is that first as a adult this was very hard n confusing. N it doesn't matter what you do on any subject- drugs,sex,relationships there is always someone on the other side of the subject. Per pressure effect teens very strongly I could go into that for hours. But it's important that they understand that regardless what the subject they have open dialogue to ask questions. I've found with my kids n my surroundings teens/kids r less Likely to rebel if there is open conversation rather than just don't do it, it's wrong!! Also beings this is a Christian message I would like to add that God does not punish, he is a jealous god but loving and forgiving! Please keep in mind for sake of this being so long I did have to leave a lot out but I'm more then happy to help mom's n family's with my own experience. My dad is 1-15 n my cousins n I were brought up more like siblings then cousins so when this relationship happened it changed that whole dynamic!!

Carla - posted on 07/13/2013

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That is a GREAT example, Loretta, I hope the ladies here will remember that for their dating-age children.

God bless

Linda - posted on 07/12/2013

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Ellen, what matters most is not what your son or daughter is doing or not doing...but where is her HEART? If she loves the Lord and seeks to follow him, then she will be able to navigate through a lot of junk. I have 3 teenage boys (and one 21 year old one)...but I also homeschool them and the influence of ungodly teens in limited. I have NO worries about my 16 and 19 year old as far as what activities they engage in because they love the Lord so much. My 13 year old does as well, but he's in the middle of puberty and going through a few things right now...My oldest is too smart to get involved in drugs, etc. and he's doing very well (getting is Master's Degree right now) but I do worry about his heart and pray for him everyday.

Ellen - posted on 07/09/2013

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I understand what your saying and agree with you but the point is what the teens have to deal with and how open they are. It's just I hope my daughter keeps sticking to her guns if you know what I mean. As far as my son he used to be one of those high school boys who drank around town but not know. He had to make a decision to find new friends.Most of his friend have gone to jail for getting in trouble he was lucky. He had to change his life style he finally got it. Know if he would get a job that would be nice. I do feel bad for my daughters friend most come from divorced homes with one parent messed up. I don't live in a city I live in a very small down. I just pray that when people get married both people take Marriage for what it is. Children would grow up happier and with more confidence. As far as money my son doesn't get any from me or my husband. My daughter is starting to look for work right know.

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