Porn

Stina - posted on 10/10/2009 ( 32 moms have responded )

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Update 10/13

Still communicateing with each other. Still talking about this past weekend as well as other past issues that were never delt with.



Still couldn't find my Power of a Praying Wife book so I went to the bookstore and got another copy. Awesome tool.



Praying protection and healing in our marriage and continueing to pray my DH will return to the Lord.



Thanks for the prayers, advice, encouragement.



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I need some prayers and Godly advice.



My husband and I have been married 5 years. He knows how I feel about pornography.



Today I thought I'd relax with the kids and watch movies as I folded the laundry. We have on demand and when the movie was over it took me to the menu where saved programs are kept... for 24 hours. Apparantly last night after I came home and he stayed up watching TV instead of joining me, he got horny and instead of coming to bed with me, he purchased a payperview pornographic movie.



I've talked with him about this in the past. He knows how much it hurts me and yet here he is watching the smut while I am in the next room! It makes me angry and amplifies all my insecure feelings after bearing three of his kids. My boobs will never be firm again, my belly stretched by three pregnancies will never be flat and will always bear the stretch marks and loose skin even after/if all the weight is lost. Mostly, I feel betrayed and hurt.



Our third baby is almost 6 months and I still have pain during intercourse so it's been a while.... but we do try to be intimate in other ways. I do try to please in in that area of our relationship. We won't have health insurance again till December (Thankful for a new job with benefits for him) so I can't see a doctor about this yet. It tears me up 'cause I want the intimacy but it hurts... and now he's looking at porn again even though I do try to please him.



How do I approach this? Prayer I know... but then what? What now? Any scriptures that might help to remember would be greatly appreciated.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Tracy - posted on 10/10/2009

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pray, pray, and again i recommend prayer, 1st get youself checked they are free clinic in your area, 2nd lean on the scriptures hear are some that my help= proverbs 5:18-19

ephesians 5:20-21, dont keep complaing get in your prayer corner, when he is not around pray and annoint the tv and the remote, pray on his side of the bed, you can do this silently in your mind, anoint his pillow, God will change him and the situation:)

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Patricia - posted on 08/19/2012

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just read your post Tiffany you poor thing i really feel for you i caught my ex with the barmaid Julie and he didn;t even say a dam thing about it wanted me to stay did not say if he was sorry or not or why he done it did not seem to worry him thought he could do what he wanted and i would put up with it and when i said i was not coming back he wanted money and then when my then 3 kids and i moved into a house after staying with my sister for 2 weeks he came around gave me a really good flogging and then said he was taking me away to shoot me and then come back and shoot our kids how could someone be like that if i had not got away when he was dragging mne to the car i think we would all be dead now and as i was running i looked over to see in desperation if there was a neighbour outside and they were watching from the car port did not do any thing to help at all

Patricia - posted on 08/19/2012

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he is also addicted to porn rejects it for me constantly told me one day i was old fat and ugly like the dog our old lab

Patricia - posted on 08/19/2012

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my husband does not care either i took him in sick to the hospital the other night and then i bought him a drink after on the way home he pratically broke his neck to look at these women walking past and it hurt he does not look at me like he wants me just screws his face up and looks away i did not say anything because he is sick not to sick to think of whats between his legs when it comes to other women though

Tiffany - posted on 10/18/2009

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I been through that also. My husband is a recovering porn addict. You need to block all the porn from the tv, by setting parental settings on it, or calling ur cable company n telling them those kinds of movies are not allowed to be ordered, also, set a code in the tv if u can, and also u should go online and go to purelifeministries.org and on there they have a free download, called "xwatch" i beieve, and it sends u reports every two weeks. u also need to see if hes willing to stop for u, bc its pretty disrespectful AND degrading.... I dont know if your husband will read books on it, but there is a book called "at the altar of sexual Idolatry" by Steve Gallagher, it is AAAAMmmmaaaaazing!!! Also, there is a couple scriptures in the bible on porn in that book. u can purchase it off amazon.com used for pretty cheap. i got mine for $7 and id sell it to u, but my dog literally ate it...lol :) Good luck with this issue...i still struggle, im at only month one of the withdrawls too( my husband has them, not me..im happy :)).. Ill keep u in my prayers :)

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UPDATE:

My husband(now ex) wasnt able to stay away from pornography. He ended up having an affair with a 16 year old girl, a methadone addict and then a man. I walked in on hiim n the man. Id love to hear your update to see what ended up coming of this. Take care n God bless.

Summer - posted on 10/18/2009

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I suppose i'm going to come from a different point of view. Sex is important to a man. If you are sore still and he knows making love to you hurts you he may not have wanted to hurt you by his needs, so he took care of it himself. Which i believe nothing is wrong with a man taking care of himself even if they are in a relationship. It doesnt mean he is an addict for watching it and it doesnt make him a

"bad man", or that he loves you any less. Is it the porn that upsets you or him taking care of it himself and not going to you (would it make you feel better if he wasnt watching porn when he took care of himself)? Porn in a marriage is a very touchy subject and a lot of men get defence over it. I think blocking the channel wont help with the deep down issue, yes he wont be able to watch it but then he might feel angry that you dont trust him.He could demand you to unblock the channels and that wont make you feel any better because then you will be thinking he wants to just watch porn all the time now. I do have a different outlook than the other ladies, but you should talk to him again and just simply ask "why",its the most easiest question to ask but hard to answer. I will pray for you.

[deleted account]

I had/have that problem... my doctor told me it was virginal dryness and recommended me to use replens you can get them over the counter. I use them 3 times a week. All it does is help your body put back the moister in your virginal area. Try it and see if it will work for you.

Cassandra - posted on 10/17/2009

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First of all I wanted to say that you are not alone. Millions of wifes are struggling with this very issue. Secondly if your husband was truly a christian at one time and walked away he will be back.

My husband is not a believer and never has believed. I bacame saved after we were married. He had used porn for many years and for a long time it never bothered me. Then when I was saved it bothered me really bad and my opinion on it changed. My husband kinda freaked because now I wasn't ok with it. We went rounds about it. Sometimes yelling, sometimes crying, sometimes just talking. Nothing seemed to work. Till one night the Lord woke me up and I noticed my husband wasn't in bed. I went and looked for him. When I found him he was laying down on the floor of our guest room looking at and pleasuring himself. I walked in and felt as though I had just caught him with another woman. I burst into tears and ran out of the room. A few minutes later he came out to find out what was wrong. I told him that I was not going to put up with him cheating on me. He of course tried to defend himself and say that he was doing that instead of cheating. I told him that to me he was cheating and I couldn't stay in a relationship that was that way . He stopped the porn because he couldn't stand the fact that it hurt me so badly. It was hard for him to do, because they get addicted to the endorphanes that are released. But it has been about 5 years since he has looked at any of it. Because of that we are together more often. I couldn't get into sex knowing that he was possibly thinking about whatever he may have watched. Maybe your discomfort with sex has to do with him using porn. Your body can do strange things when you are upset about something. So maybe tell him that could be the reason for the lack of sex and maybe he'll be willing to stop to test the theory.

Also on my on demand I can block the channels from even being seen. It doesn't lock up my tv it just takes the shows and channels off the programing guide. See if maybe your system works the same way. Out of sight out of mind.

Stay strong!!! Go to your heavenly husband and persue a Godly marriage. And hopefully your husband will follow!! Much love to you Sister

Andee - posted on 10/15/2009

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As for blocking the channels, you should have the password/code to the actual blocking of the channels, not him. My husband doesn't use the computer at all because of what MIGHT pop up. I am thankful that he recognizes the temptations of porn that continually try to get into this house. We don't allow any movies with any sort of sexual content in, no R rated movies at all, and very selective on the pg13 movies too.

Andee - posted on 10/15/2009

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First of all,,,,porn is NOT ABOUT YOU! It is about the spirit of lust HE is suffering in. Do not take this personal at all. I know it is hard, but just refuse to take it personal.

Carolyn - posted on 10/15/2009

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Yes, counseling is good. I saw a christian counselor, but my husband would not go with me. And the book, The 5 Love Languages was a good read for me, again he would not read it. Alot of good info in that book, useful to people who will read it.

Carolyn - posted on 10/15/2009

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I was married 20 years to a porn addict, it was hard. I prayed and talked to him too. He said he would always look at porn. So, i prayed some more. God led me out of the situation. My daughter felt the same way about getting out, she was a teen by that time. Well, today with God's help we are friends, see each other a few times here and there. He is married again and not happy again, unfortunately. I tried really hard for a long time. But, I have to say it was better for my daughter and I. Christianity was a problem for us too, he told me all the time he didn't like it and I wanted to grow in that area. These days my daughter is good, she sees him quite often. As for me, I grow every day in the Lord and

I have a great christian guy in my life now who grows each day with me.

Maggie - posted on 10/14/2009

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There are bigger issues here. You should see about counseling - maybe something offered through the church.

I'd also recommend reading the five love languages (if you haven't already) and have him read it, too. It did wonders for my understanding of how my husband gives and receives love. Take the little quizzes at the back before you read it.

It's good that you talked and he's agreed to block it. It's a step in the right direction.

Cheyl - posted on 10/13/2009

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sweetheart God bless you. Do block it if you can. but understand that may cause a fight if he is addicted to it.

As others have said this has nothing to do with you; and i know that is hard to believe right now. but you have to know the truth. THE truth is not in the mirror it is in God's word look up what he has to say about you. how your name is carved on his hand, that the hairs of your head are counted, that he put you together every part while you were hidden in your mothers womb. find more make yourself some truth cards and carry them with you. read them out loud. replace the lies with His truth.

take care of yourself. Let God's love surround you. Let His arms hold you and know that HE knows your heart and right with you thourgh every min. draw on his stregth.

in my prayers

Kathy - posted on 10/13/2009

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Wow! I will pray that God hits him like a ton of bricks and he wakes up from his porn state and sees what a wonderful wife and children he has. God have mercy on him.

Polyleah - posted on 10/13/2009

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The enemy has managed to take one of the most precious gifts (sex) between a husband and wife and create a complete sinful industry out of it, distorting the entire thing. This is what we have to keep in mind. Yes porn is an addiction, like drugs, alcohol and other types of addiction, but all of these addiction starts with a thought from the enemy.



My point is to make sure we remember that this is a battle that is spiritual, and has to be fought with the power of the Lord through prayer and on his time and in his way. I dealth with this issue and worse in my marraige, and I know it was only the power of God that kept my marraige together. I believe your husband did not want to go to church because he has a part of his spirit that knows the porn is wrong, he may say to you he thinks it is not unlawful, but he knows it is. He doesn't want the Lord to remind him of that. What did Adam and Eve do when they ate the forbidden fruit, and the Lord came looking for them? They hid from him, because they were naked, and were ashamed of their sin. This is what we do (Christians or not) when we know we are wrong. We try to run and hide from the Lord.



It is not over till the Lord says so, and I learned this through experience. I thought I would be divorced by now, but God worked miraculously as only he could, in my marraige. You hang in there, stand strong, and remain faithful and the Lord will help you take back what the enemy is trying to steal away. God bless you.

Heidi - posted on 10/12/2009

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Is he a Christian too, there is an online program that he can do it is LIVING WATER COUNSELING.



I feel for you I came home one day and just hit play on the kids vcr that was in THEIR room and went to walk out the door and there it was porn...I never moved so fast in my life acorss a room. I was so mad and disapointed.

Stephanie - posted on 10/11/2009

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I agree with the blocking of the porn channels, but I would discuss it with him first. Porn is an addiction. It's not something he will himself to stop doing. He needs prayer and a support group of Godly men around him.

Krista - posted on 10/11/2009

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This subject is near and dear to my heart. My family was destroyed, through my husband with the aid of pornography and it's diabolical spirits, through the far reaching consequenses of its indulgence. Hindsight affords a perspective that the present longs for. Since the destruction, things are doing well. My husband has been found and is a new creation. God IS good.

There are only two options according to scripture in the christian life. Jesus tells us that if a man looks lustfully upon a woman who is not his wife, that man has committed adultery and according to Jesus, adultery is the only righteous element for a divorce. However, as Christians, we are called to love one another and bear one anothers burdens. If the second is pursued, great blessings await you.

With him not being a Christan, this issue is even more disheartening because it is only through the Holy Spirit that he can be convicted of this abominable sin and have any hope of deliverance from it.

A note on prayer.......when we pray, it is paramount that we are praying for the other person in regard to their salvation and that it not be tinted with selfish ambition, such as "feeling better" or "so that he would stop hurting you". Prayers for your husband should be centered around the darkness, enslavement and destructiveness of this sin to HIS soul, since you are a Christain, you need not worry about anything. Press into God for comfort, peace and sustainance on your behalf and pray like a warrior for your husband's soul.

Stina - posted on 10/11/2009

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I was up late last night... with the scriptures and my journal. Praying- In our last move I misplaced my other copy of Power of a Praying Wife- gave my second copy to my sister. I may have to buy another one but it is an awesome book that I need to be more diligent about using.



Then this morning, not good. I left for church, he left for work. I am the organist and usually lead worship. Wasn't able to lead today.



After church, we were finally able to sit and talk calmly about a lot of things that he's been holding inside instead of talking to me. And after much talking, about many things, he is willing to not look Porn. Even willing to let me put locks on the TV/Internet so long as he knows the password since the locks often block movies that are not pornographic... the password is one that will hopefully just make him stop and think about what he's doing that little longer before he proceeds.



Thank you ladies for the prayers and encouragement and scriptures. I will be continueing to pray about this- he still doesn't feel viewing pornography is being unfaithful. My prayer there is that he will have a renewing of faith.



But for now, we have come back to a peaceful ground and have a plan in place so that hopefully we won't be here again.



Thankyou.

[deleted account]

First off, I've been in your shoes, I know it feels like its your fault. ITS NOT. So first off stop blaming yourself. I had to do that too. Next get rid of that darn tv. I mean it. It wont stop if you dont throw that thing in the trash. Or at least get rid of the dish or direct tv, I used to have it and you cant delete those shows when you have those channels. Next you need to pray alot. Satan gets to men that way. Satan knows men are visual. That is the biggest hardest thing for men. And Satan knows it. My husband used the internet. I wanted to throw the stupid computer. But our bookeeping is on it. So I cancelled the internet for awhile, now I put up a password up everytime I leave the house or go to bed. SO ITS NOT YOU, ITS SATAN. But if you pray and do a bible study every morning or at least everday it will help. See if your husband will do the bible study with you. You know that movie fireproof. That is no different. Maybe try doing that Love Dare Book. I havent finished it yet but the little that I have done. It does help. You also need to talk to your husband. Dont be his mommy but definitley warn him. But before you talk to him again(even if you have already) pray first. There is also a good book called Power of A Praying Wife. It has helped me tremendously.

Ephesians6:10-18
Finally, be strong in the Lord and his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

Ezekial 34:8- As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign Lord, because my flock lacks a shepherd and so has been plundered and has become food for all the wild animals, and because my shepherds did not search for my flock but cared for themselves rather than for my flock,(This I looked up when I read my love dare book, the part about pornography, its a great book and it always so far has turned to scripture) Anyways I hope this helps and God Bless!

Zimmersgirl - posted on 10/11/2009

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Continue to pray that God reaches both of you, him for his sins and faithlessness and you so that you do not let offense harden your heart from having God's love.

I've looked up some resources, but I haven't read them in-depth so please pray over them before you use them...but I think at the very least it can give you more of an understanding of the hold this particular spirit of sin has on your husband and why it's so hard to stop the addiction...

http://www.seekgod.org/links/freefrompor...

http://bibleforums.org/forum/archive/ind...

http://www.christianadvice.net/christian...

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage...

The important thing you need to remember as you pray for him is that he is under bondage. If your child was suffering under bondage you would do what you could to get them out of it, so much more do you need to do for the man you chose to marry. Most people in our family are given to us with no choice, but we pick our spouses (hopefully with God's blessing).

You need to remember that nothing happens without God knowing it. He's not sitting up there thinking, "would you look at that, her husband is looking at porn again, why did I bless this marriage?" No. He knows what happened, is happening or will happen and as hard as it might seem, you have to cling tight to God and trust in Him. Think of Joseph, his own brothers were going to kill him, but decided to make a profit instead and sold him into slavery. Joseph endured slavery and prison for years. He had two choices...he could let his thoughts get mired in the abyss of his situation and/or plot revenge, or he could simply keep God in the forefront and trust God through it all. I am not saying that he did not struggle with bitterness or regret or even with thoughts of vengeance, but he didn't dwell on them, he decided that God was greater and strove to live it. Because he did, he was able to save a lot of lives--including those of his brother's. Because he did, the twelve tribes were established and thrived because Joseph didn't let the bitterness and the offense take root in his heart.

It hurts and it can be difficult to see beyond the pain. The enemy wants you to focus on the problem instead of God and His plan. Because when you are mired in the pain, you build walls. It might help you to visually think of that. Yes, you are shutting off the pain, but as you build that wall you are also shutting out God. Remember Paul taught (2 Corinthians 10:4) "(For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;)" From what you said above, it sounds like your husband has built strongholds around his heart and the enemy is trying to get you to do the same. But our God is mighty enough to tear down those strongholds if you can just withstand this storm. It might rage long and hard but we are promised that if we stand and withstand we shall overcome through Him.

You are faced with two roads right now...you cannot change your husband (only God can) but you can pray and apply God's true, unconditional love in your own heart. Doing so does not make you a doormat, and you will need to rely on the Lord heavily for guidance and direction. Or, you can decide to build a stronghold around your own heart.

I'll be praying for you both and your precious children.

Stina - posted on 10/10/2009

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No. He isn't a Christian any more. Stopped going to church a while ago... when I asked him about it, he said he just doesn't believe. I'm not sure what happened there but the small group we had both been in has been praying for him to have a renewal of faith.

So I talked with him this evening when the kids were in bed. Tried to. Like I said. We've talked about this in the past. I did my best to stay calm and express my feelings about porn. Did my best not to be defensive. Bit my tongue and listened to him a lot. Feel like nothing I said was heard. His first reaction was to lie. "I haven't been watching porn" Then he tried to tell me that the thing he purchased on PPV was not porn b/c it was just girls rubbing themselves. He's angry that I am hurt by his viewing this. He's angry that I view it as being unfaithful. He feels he has a right to satisfy himself if I'm not going to. He knows it hurts for me to have sex- but what I have tried to do is not enough for him and it all feels pretty one sided- all for him, nothing for me. So he says he needs to relieve himself some way and he needs to have the visual stimulation.

So I'm still hurt and he's saying that if I can't get over this then maybe we need to split up. Really? He's willing to throw away our marriage so he can look at pornography?

I still hope for our marriage, but I also don't want to be a doormat.

Can't get to sleep. Would fast, but am nursing a baby. More Prayer.

Kisha - posted on 10/10/2009

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First realize that you are a beautiful woman and his watching porn has nothing to do with you, so don't feel that way. I would continue to talk to him about how you are feeling about the porn and while you are talking to him, continue to pray and seek God. i don't think i would block the channels like someone suggested because if he really wants to watch, he will find away. And when you talk to him, don't nag or become defensive, tell him sincerely and heart felt how you are feeling and how watching this is affecting you and your and marriage. God Bless

Sharleen - posted on 10/10/2009

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Mat 5:28 But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
Adultery is the one thing that God would allow divorce for. God can heal anything in a marriage. And if the marriage isn't healed, God gives you the peace you need to get through it. I know the feeling as I had to deal with it with my ex-husband. But it didn't stop at porn...he went after other women as well. I had to give it up after 20 years

Heather - posted on 10/10/2009

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I don't have any advice, but I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.

Nicole - posted on 10/10/2009

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first do what I did, block all porn from your t.v. and internet! Secondly I have just got done dealing with this. Society has such a harmful effect on beautiful and loving marriages. Men objectifying women are every where. Every where you go there are ads or even girl walking around like sex objects. It is very hard for a man to turn a blind eye. I am not in any means making excuses for him but hopefully that'll make you feel better. Third, take into consideration what kind of porn it was. If it was girl taking care of herself or girl on girl it's worse. The bible says a man who has thought of an affair has already committed the crime. Fantasying about another woman while in marriage IS a sin. If he was watching couples porn, even though it's still wrong, is not as bad because obviously he knows the girl on the screen is with someone else, and probably looking at the porn as visual stimulation. I've been studying porn and porn addictions for two years. One third of divorces in America started because of porn addictions! Lastly, do not ever look at yourself as the problem of his wondering eyes. Never bring yourself down. It has nothing to do with you looking bad or anything of the sort. If you'd like to keep talking, just send me a message!

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