Rant? divorce

Shannon - posted on 01/20/2011 ( 12 moms have responded )

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so I see on here in other communitys that ppl are telling other ppl to leave ther SO/mate wth. what do others think of this? for myself I do not Believe in divorce, and thik it is horrible to tell someone who has kids to get a divorce. unless they are being abused or cheated on. I think you should try everything to work it out before you even think about the D word. what do others think?

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Jennifer - posted on 01/20/2011

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Maybe I can give a little different perspective on this since I have been divorced. I'm not proud of it, and it still bothers me even though I know that I am now with the man God intended for me. I wasn't abused, I was probably cheated on, but never caught him in the act. It was made impossible for me to stay with him though. When I was 21 and in college, I started dating an old boyfriend. I believed in God, but definately didn't follow the Christian lifestyle that I should have. I ended up getting pregnant and married him only for that reason. By the time our son arrived, he had been in jail a couple times for some scams he ran on Ebay. By the time our son was 3 months old, he had gone to jail again for some more scams, and as I started to clean his things out, because I was going to not let him move back, I found a computer disk that contained child pornography. I gave it to my father, because I didn't know what to do with it, and he gave it to the cops. I did decide to take him back, because like you, I didn't believe in divorce. When our son turned 1 year old, my husband wasn't even there for his birthday, and I later found it was because he was steeling checks from my box of extra checks, and decided to go golfing! I say it was my checks, because he never held a job, and refused to get one. He once again went to jail, because of a probation violation and he had drugs in his system! The last time he went, he had our son with him, because he knew he was caught and thought they would go easy on him if he came carrying a baby (I was at work and didn't know everything that was going on). They almost called children's services to take my son away, but figured they would give him a chance to get someone to come get our son. That was the worst night of my life. I got a call at work saying my husband was going to jail and if someone didn't come get my son, children services would be called! When I got home after getting my son ( I was also prego with our second child) I found the letters from my bank stating that my checks were bouncing (because of him steeling them) Even my rent check bounced! It was then that I had to decide to either stay with my husband and keep living in fear of losing my child or to move back in with my parents and start living life the way I needed to. I chose to leave him. Also, one of the checks he wrote was to his friend who was also his drug supplier and he called my work a couple times threatening my life! So, yes I do believe there is no other way than divorce sometimes, but I would never encourage someone to do it. It has to be their personal choice, and they need to believe with all their heart that there is no other way. Sorry so long. There actually is a lot of other things that happened with my first husband, but for your sake on probably not wanting to read an entire novel, I left them out.

Elisha - posted on 07/30/2012

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I'm going through a divorce right now from a man who cheated and was very verbally and emotionaly abusive towards me, and I can stay 100% that I have no shame whatsoever in my situation. I hold my head up very high, becuase I fought for my marriage until there was nothing left to fight for, and since then, I've learned a lot about abusive people and marriages and divorce, and even personality disorders. I've learned that some marraiges just can't be saved, Christian or not. Yes, God can save anyone, but He gives us free will, and some people refuse to be saved, no matter what. And sometimes, a wife packing up the kids and leaving her husband gives him the wake up call that he needs to get his act together. I am completely against divorce just because someone doesn't want to be married anymore, or doesn't want to put in the effort that a good marraige requires, or especially because they find someone else. But if there's a legitimate reason, such as adultery, abuse, or whatnot, I completely support any woman (or man) who (after prayer and godly counsel) decides to leave, and if that leaving doesn't lead to a reconciliation but to a divorce instead, I have no judgement for that person.

[deleted account]

I used to be 100% against divorce. Then I went through it and realized that sometimes.... it is the only answer. For Christian couples I wouldn't suggest divorce except for abuse/cheating.... and then I'd suggest counseling first, but nonChristians don't live by the same 'code' (for lack of a better term at the moment).

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Alisha - posted on 02/07/2011

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I agree with you that divorce in only acceptable in the eyes of God in the case of severe abuse and being cheated on. So, no I dont' think that Christians should be telling other Christians or anyone else for that matter to get divorces!

Carla - posted on 01/24/2011

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I divorced at 21 after horrid abuse. I went through hell trying to raise a 6 and 4 y/o on $250 a month, with no child support. I married again, and we spent 30 years without having the vaguest idea how to treat each other, also not understanding the covenant of marriage. Once I realized that when we marry it's God, husband and wife, I started seeking God with all my heart, and we resolved our problems and are now better than ever. We both cheated on each other, and even filed for divorce. But I absolutely couldn't imagine living with anyone other than my husband.

My advise is always to pray and seek God, that He works wonders. We thought our marriage was unfixable, but, thank God, He didn't! There have only been three times I have counseled someone to walk away, and it was only after terrible abuse and the offended spouse trying absolutely everything they could to fix things, and much prayer.

We ARE NOT here to tell people to divorce--that is up to God. This community is very unique--we are prayer warriors, and will pray for each other as if it were our problems. So, Shannon, we believe in marriage, that it is sacred, and ordained by God. What God has joined, we do not try to put asunder.

God bless, honey

Jennifer - posted on 01/21/2011

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Also, I stayed through all the abuse and cheating, even taking his other child in as my own, (long story) because even though my vows were to my husband in my heart they were a covenant with God. I wasn't just promising John,I was promising the Lord that I would give it my all.

Jennifer - posted on 01/21/2011

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I'm divorced, I stuck by my marriage through abuse, and even him having a baby with someone else. I wasn't afraid to leave, I just wanted to give it all I had. I didn't want God to stop loving me because I was "giving up". I put 5 years into my marriage. I've been through things I almost can't describe. I'd still be there, but he turned on our daughter. I didn't believe that divorce was an option, until the unthinkable happened. (I can be stubborn) When I hear people thinking about walking away from their marriages I feel sad. Divorce is often (but not always) an easy way out. I do think that on COM and other sites, we should be more careful around the subject of marriage. Because, if I were still married, I don't know that I could tell the whole story on here while asking for advice. He would always be the bad guy. Sometimes, divorce IS necessary. I did seriously think about the "Til death do us part" vow, but I wanted to raise my daughter. Divorce was my answer. It's not always ideal, and it's painful, even for the person who files for it. You think about who you were when you began and who you are at the end, wondering where the love went, the partnership, the friendship. Thinking about how the person you gave the most intimate knowledge of you, is now someone you hate, or are afraid of. Once again, not in every case, but in some. You never know when you're talking to someone who's dying inside... just saying. But for those who want out because they just want out..... TAKE em DOWN LADIES! LOL. I don't even recognize the woman I was then to who I am now. @Jennifer You are amazing. You are wonderful. And you CAN be proud. Okay so you're divorced, (me too) but you did what was necessary for you and your children. I did what was necessary to keep my daughter safe. God brings us through our trials for sure. He is amazing and when we allow Him to work in our lives He brings us who and what we need. Two years ago I prayed for a husband, a partner, and man of God who is amazing, God brought him into my life, and if distance wasn't an issue, we'd already be married. Because I stopped looking and gave it to God. I firmly believe that He has a plan, and He loves me. I'm not perfect, I'm divorced, but I did what was necessary and God loves me. Churches have ostracized me for it. I'm fine with that. I'm a woman of faith! "I am who God says I am. I can be who God says I can be. No more excuses, no more delays, I have greatness in me, in Jesus' name."

Amy - posted on 01/20/2011

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I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, Shannon... I didn't intend to imply that you WERE making people feel badly... I was just trying to communicate that the pendulum swings both ways. Some people are too casual about divorce, and some can really be hurtful and judgemental. It sounds like most of us here are of the same mind, that it's unfortunately the best decision for some people in some situations. :)

Cyndel - posted on 01/20/2011

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I'm not completely against divorce, (casual divorce for casual reasons a definite no) but a Christian should get a lot of prayer and advise, counseling. make sure they are divorcing for the right reasons, after trying everything possible to save the marriage. But there are very few truly black and white issues.

Shannon - posted on 01/20/2011

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im not saying ppl are less than or anything like that I just dont like that otherppl are tell ppl to just leave

Amy - posted on 01/20/2011

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The attitude that divorce is just some easy solution to lack of romance or other temporary and superficial problem is distressing. There ARE valid reasons for divorce, and I'd never say anything to make a divorce person feel "lesser than." That's one thing I like about this community... the same values. :)

Anne - posted on 01/20/2011

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I have to say I do agree with you. That being said, even though my husband and I have been married just over 31 years, I know several people even in my home church that have been divorced, ( I am not sure if they were Christians when they were divorced or why.) and are wonderful examples of people that Love The Lord and Live a solid Christian life.

In my family I have several cousins, a sister, and brother-in-law that are divorced. In many of the cases the children have had a very tough time coping with all of the changes this causes.

Please Understand I Am Not Judging Any One That Is Divorced! Thankfully we Serve a God that Specializes in Second Chances, regardless of our past.

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