My Husband Cheated... Please Help!

Pam - posted on 05/14/2013 ( 31 moms have responded )

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I found out 2 months ago that my husband of 11 years had a 2 year affair that ended 7 months ago. We have 2 young children. The emotions are very confusing... to love and hate someone at the same time is painful. We've been going to a Christian counselor since he told me and it has helped, but I haven't told anyone in my family because I know they would all look at him differently if they knew. I have no friends to talk to. He says the reason he did it was because he felt "disconnected" from me for 2 years before it started and he felt alone. He says it will never happen again and that he was a fool for doing it. I cry every day when I'm alone. Since he has confessed, we have been closer because everything is out in the open, but I feel like this pain will last forever. My biggest fear is that he will do it again, but he says I have nothing to worry about. How long does it take to get over something like this? Will I ever trust him again? When will I stop crying? Am I a fool for staying with him? Please help.

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Carla - posted on 05/18/2013

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Tinamarie--I'm sorry, honey. This takes a while to get over. Are you a Christian? Is your husband? I am sorry to say, adultery isn't limited to just the world, it has crept into our churches so that it doesn't really matter anymore whether you claim the name of Jesus or not. Everyone slips, everyone falls down. It's what we do after we've fallen that matters. DOES he seem truly sorry, or is he blaming it on everyone else but himself? Is he living his life transparently, so you KNOW what he's doing?

As Christians, we have Help to get through these horrendous times. God doesn't stop the bad things, but He DOES help us to come out better than we went in. The principle of Christianity, being Christ-like is focusing our attention to others. Focusing on yourself will only keep the hurt alive, which you CERTAINLY don't want!

So, I will tell you what I did--I fell on my face and gave control over to the Father. I repented for MY sins and asked for help to forgive my husband. The healing has come, and we just celebrated 40 years in November.

God is good. He does not give us more than we can bear, but with the trial He gives us a way of escape, so we can bear it. You THINK you can't right now, but you can. Otherwise God isn't God. Pray for your husband,pray for yourself. Pray for a real marriage, one with love and consideration. Our prayers are with you, honey.

God bless

Teresa - posted on 07/07/2013

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Wil he do it again? ANyone, at any time cansuccomb to temptation. How long it takes to get over something lie this depends on you. Forgiveness, beleive it or not, is for you. Building trust again is for him to do. Crying My aunt once told me that, "you decide to be happy." I didn't understand it at the time but I do now. Things happen to us, peope hurt us, but we must see the happiness in life. Jesus did not give his life for us to be miserable.

Carla - posted on 05/28/2013

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Pam, you are speaking all the words that were in my heart. The problem with us was that I cheated first. He did it in retaliation. I know that. I have to live with that. What we humans do to each other is sometimes criminal.

You WILL get over this. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but it will come. Just try not dwelling on it. As long as you think on the thoughts satan puts in your mind, it will stay as fresh as the day it happened. It is very difficult, and without Jesus, it is impossible. When the thoughts come on, push them out and put on worship music and get your mind calm and quiet. The thoughts will come a hundred times a day, but if you push them out and concentrate on the Lord, and what good you have in your life, they will lessen until you will go days and weeks without it coming to your mind. You CAN do this. I don't think I even have to mention the cutting, you know this is harmful. satan will try to rob you of your peace, steal the joy you have in life, and kill your spirit. You CANNOT let him win.

I did a lot of reading in Psalms during this time. David went through a lot--his father-in-law, whom he loved like a dad spent years trying to kill him. You can hear his pain through his psalms. But he would start out crying, and would end up praising God, saying 'I know You are with me, and I KNOW You will deliver me'. It took a long time, but when God's timing was right, deliverance came.

My prayers are with you, honey. God sees your pain, and is walking beside you. Take His hand.

God bless

Carla - posted on 05/17/2013

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You're welcome, Pam. Bad stuff happens to good people. It's what we do with it that shows what we're made of. Yes, it hurts. Yes it's gonna take time, but yes, you CAN come out better than you went into this. And as we cry out to Jesus for help and healing, He brings sweet peace to us. Then, He says 'now go and help others'. WE are Jesus' hands and feet, and mouth and ears. How we touch, listen, cry with and rejoice with others shows how we have been changed by His love. My fervent, fervent prayer for ALL of us who have gone through these and similar trials is that we will have learned the lesson, and will reach out to others to give hope, not to sit and wallow in our misery. We COULD do that, we might even be justified in doing it--but what good are we? ARE we showing the world that having Jesus in our hearts is the difference? No, He expects us to be a light in a dying world. When you have healed (and you will know when the time is right), you WILL be that light.

God bless, babe

Carla - posted on 05/16/2013

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Abba, Daddy, Pam is hurting so bad! You give us this all-consuming love to be able to handle a wife/mother's role, and when we are betrayed, it is worse than being murdered. I ask, Holy Spirit, that You wrap Yourself around Pam and quiet her spirit, heal the wound in her heart, and give her the knowledge that Your love will put this back together--IF her husband is sincere. You also well know how long it took me to be able to breathe when Mark left the house and came home again. But I am asking that You heal Pam quickly, because they still have young children, so she doesn't get the luxury of locking herself away to heal. Speak words of peace and comfort to her, and Lord, reveal this hurt to her husband. Let him feel what he has done. I'm not asking this out of vindictiveness, but I want him to understand the devastation adultery brings. Only when we fully understand the pain we inflict on others will we vow never to inflict that kind of pain again. Give them knowledge and wisdom to understand how to live together as husband and wife. It is sad that we are not being taught this in our churches, but You can reveal it to those who are willing. Now soothe her spirit and dry her eyes. Whisper sweet words to her and give her sleep. Touch her body so she will eat and be able to take care of the children. Give them a love that will endure, and that when this is over, they can counsel others that there IS hope. In Jesus' Name, amen.

I'm sorry, babe, this brings up the pain again. We have moved past it, but the scar is there still. And I guess that's good. I will NEVER do that to him again, and I am sure he will never do it to me. God is good, and He is carrying us through. He will you, too.

God bless

31 Comments

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Georgina - posted on 02/07/2015

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Hi, I am going through the same thing with my husband and am curious how things worked out for you........update?

Carla - posted on 02/16/2014

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I have reported Elizabeth147 to the admin. I am very sad that since PopSugar took this site over that these charlatans have increased. Those of you that read her post, please report to admin as well. The only way we get these people to limit their 'product' is to let admin know we find it distasteful.

God bless, all

Desi - posted on 07/25/2013

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one thing I have learned from all of this, is: THERE IS NEVER A REASON TO CHEAT! I don't care if they say it was because of this and that. NO reason is a good reason. I don't care if she had an attitude or was mean, or didn't keep the house the way he liked. because if it is that bad, then separate, divorce and move on. or better yet, try to get counseling. but those are no reasons to cheat. it is the lamest excuse ever. yes, my husband blames me for him cheating on me. but I know it wasn't my fault, because no matter how bad it was between us, he should of had the gutts to end our marriage BEFORE he went to find someone else.

Pam - posted on 07/25/2013

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Angela,
How could a man get "joy" from seeing the horror on his wife's face when he tells her he's cheating on her? That is just pure evil!
I like how you say the person who is responsible for doing most of the repair work is the person who cheated.. that is SO true. They're the one who chose to be so selfish.. therefore if they want to earn their spouse's trust back THEY have to show a pattern of daily truthfulness and honesty in order to earn trust back. Essentially they have to prove they can be trusted again and that is no easy task.

Pam - posted on 07/25/2013

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Desi.. WHAT!? He blames YOU and still wants to see the other woman?? It is definitely NOT your fault. Also, ask him if it's OK if you get a guy on the side too? Is he OK with that?? probably not. You are better off without him especially since he's not willing to put God as a priority in the marriage AND he doesn't feel remorse.. In your case, it sounds like he will definitely cheat again. I don't believe "once a cheater always a cheater", but when you've been cheated on it's an easy statement to believe.

Carla - posted on 07/24/2013

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I'm sorry, Desi. It sounds like your husband is eternally immature, and will, of course, do the same thing to the next woman he has a relationship with.

Keep your eyes on Jesus. Make sure the next man that comes into your life is at least as Godly IF NOT MORE so than you.

God bless, hon, come back and visit us often.

Desi - posted on 07/23/2013

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Dear pam,
I know how you feel. I just found out one week today that my husband has been cheating on me for the past 2 months, HOWEVER he has been emotionally cheating for the past 2 years. I packed my 2 year old and myself and left the next day back to my parents house. WHY? because unlike your husband, mine still wants to see the girl he's been cheating on me with. in fact, he blames ME for them having problems since I was the one who called her and told her he was still married. now I am faced in becoming a single mom. we had been married for 6 years and together for 7. it is a very hard place to be. BUT I can say this, keep your eyes on Jesus, because without him it is harder to come out smiling. I chose to leave because for me, once a cheater always a cheater, but more important is 2. he doesn't want God to be the center of our marriage or our lives, and that is a guarantee he will do it again. besides, he doesn't feel one bit of remorse, just anger towards me because i told his gf about us still being married and because since we live in a very small community and EVERYONE knows us, it was hard to keep it a secret. if you ever need someone to talk to, i am here for ya. God bless.

Pam - posted on 05/27/2013

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Tinamarie, I have heard of colitis and it's no good. I've been making homemade kefir and kombucha for about a year and, every time I feel my stomach turning because of my husband's affair, I drink those and it helps calm my stomach when I feel like throwing up. They help with digestion a lot so you should look into it. Kefir is fermented milk and kombucha is fermented tea.

Sandy, I have learned quickly how to put on a happy face in front of others and then "bleed on the inside" in private. It's become a way of life for me. I will look for that book that you mentioned. Right now I'm reading a book by Gary and Mona Shriver called "Unfaithful". It's their story about how they healed after Gary was unfaithful for 3 years with Mona's best friend and had a one night stand even though he was married to Mona for 19 years and they had 3 sons. It talks about each of their perspectives as they went through each phase of healing. It's really good and I can relate to how Mona says she was feeling.

I've even gotten to the point where I occasionally cut myself on purpose because the pain in my heart is too much to handle. I do it on my hip so no one will see it... yesterday when my husband and I were getting intimate in our room, he saw it and was shocked at what I had done to myself. He almost started to cry... perhaps realizing how bad he has hurt me... maybe that's why I did it? I definitely don't want to kill myself, I have 2 kids to raise, but I just don't know how to get rid of the pain. Jesus is a comfort, but He can't remove the pain immediately, and sometimes it gets too heavy to handle. I still can't believe my husband did what he did... still feel like I'm in a nightmare that I can't wake up from. I have an x-husband who cheated, but I had no kids w/him and we were only together a few years, my family did not like him even before he cheated, but my family loves my current husband. I got over my past cheating husband so I know I can get over this one... only difference is I've been with my current husband longer, we have kids, and I'm not running away, I'm staying with him... and trust me... It's WAY harder to stay than to leave. Leaving is the easy way out, not that leaving is a piece of cake, but I've done it both ways and staying is WAY HARDER! I know I'll get through this with the Lord's help, but right now I'm in the pits of hell.

Carla - posted on 05/24/2013

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Sandy, isn't that the truth? I WANTED to forgive him, and I did, eventually, but the 'what does forgiveness look like' is the problem. Without Jesus, we CAN'T TRULY forgive, because it just doggone hurts so much.

Take it from two ladies who have been through it and survived and thrived.

God bless, honey

Sandy - posted on 05/23/2013

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Hi Pam. I am SO sorry you had to through what you did. About 4 yrs ago, my husband confessed to me that he had had an affair that lasted 3 years. We have 4 kids and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I never found out because he saw his mistress every time he went on a business trip. When he confessed, he got convicted by the Holy Spirit about the magnitude of what he had done and he couldn't live with it anymore. We worked out our relationship over the years with God in the center, and may I say that it is impossible to rebuild the trust and relationship without Jesus. Your husband needs to pray that not only he will feel guilt about his actions but that he will understand the consequences of his choice, which are the pain, the feelings of betrayal, mistrust, etc. From my part, I struggled with forgiveness for a couple of years. I know the Bible teaches to forgive, but I did not know what that looked like in reality. My friends who had never gone through that situation just told me; "you just need to forgive, because God says so." I just wanted to scream at them: "just how do you do that? Not just smile in front of other people and say I am ok because I forgave my husband, but when nobody is watching, just bleed on the inside?" I did not want to pretend, and I wanted real feeling of peace before I can actually work out our relationship. I did so much study on forgiveness and God led me to this book called "How to stop the pain" by this christian author Dr. James B. Richards. That book literally changed my whole perspective and helped me move forward. I read so many books on this topic, but never God spoke to me through a book like this book has. If your husband is wanting to work things out, he will have an awful lot of work ahead of him. The good news is that my husband and I have a stronger relationship now. I pray that you will find peace and comfort in this journey

Tinamarie - posted on 05/17/2013

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I know exactly what your going threw . My husband cheated on me 2 years ago . Right after we got married. I still dont trust him. I feel stressed all the time . I even got this sickness fr the rest of my life called colitis where my immune system attacks my stomach causing me to have flare ups. They said it was caused by to much stress. I hate him sometimes for being so selfish but i cant leave him . Its a weird feeling. I think some women dont want to be alone . We always give in by the things they say to us like your the love of my.life. i regret what i did . I will never hurt you again. And so on. Im.learning to just think keep yourself and kids happy . Dont stress over him any more. Focus on yourself. At least your not the one in the wrong . I try to find friends that went threw what i went threw but apparently everybodys marriages are perfect. So im glad i can find people who relate. May god be with you threw the storm

Pam - posted on 05/16/2013

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Thank you so much for your prayer. It was just what I needed. You have been such a blessing to me. I hope that after I'm over this I will be able to be a blessing to hurting women just as you have been a blessing to me. God bless you Carla!

Pam - posted on 05/16/2013

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Carla, Thank you so much for your words. I feel a little better to have vented to someone about this. The "stabbed in the heart" statement is so true... also stabbed in the stomach. I do feel like I'm slowly dying. Most days it's difficult to eat (and breathe) because I feel nauseous. When I go to the grocery store I feel like throwing up because of all the food.

I hope and pray that I will get past this and stop hating my husband so much because I know I'm just hurting myself. Also, our kids don't deserve to have a mom who's depressed all the time. Our 7 year old is very smart and knows when I'm sad or have been crying. He says, "Mommy, let me give you a hug". He is precious.

Carla - posted on 05/15/2013

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I know, hon. I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart, and rationally thought that I would bleed out soon and die, but it didn't happen, I just kept bleeding and hurting. It took us BOTH a long time to feel loving towards each other again, and, again I emphasize that God put us back together again. The hurt will ease, and you will find trust again, IF you both vow to each other and to God that this will NEVER happen again. My husband and I are now VERY transparent with each other, he can see my e-mail and I can see his. We go just about everywhere together. But now I CAN trust him, because we both realize how much we hurt each other, and don't want to ever cause each other that type of pain again.

If a person is truly repentant, they don't blame it on someone else, because it IS their decision. They COULD have walked away, but didn't. So now it is theirs to own. Once you take the responsibility for your own actions, without blame, you know you are on the right road.

My prayers are with you, Pam. I know this hurts, and I know you don't feel like it can ever be right, but with God, honey, it can be better. I am living proof.

God bless, hon

Pam - posted on 05/15/2013

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Carla, thank you for your response. Yes, we are Christian, but haven't been going to church regularly since our kids were born. The first 5 years we were going faithfully, but then only about once a month or every other month. Now, we go every week so it is way better. I grew up with both my parents and siblings in church every week since birth, sometimes 2-3x per week.

I have an x-husband who I left because he cheated, but I was only with him for 2 years and had no kids with him. I do notice a change in my husband since he ended his affair, but I still do not trust him at all. He gives me way more attention and talks to me a lot during the day now which we haven't done in years. I'm still mad at him and I hate feeling this way. I guess after a few years and a lot of prayer I will start to feel normal again... maybe even happy, but happiness is something I can't imagine feeling right now or any time soon.

Carla - posted on 05/15/2013

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Your feelings are normal. We feel betrayed, dirty, alone, disillusioned, insecure. Both my husband and I cheated on each other, lots (me mostly). The why's aren't important, but what IS important is that we were living our lives without Jesus being planted firmly in the center of our marriage.

You don't say whether you are both Christian, but this IS a Christian site, so I will tell you from Biblical perspective that trying to have a marriage with two people that don't have a clue what covenant is, well, it isn't going to work well. When we marry, we have a 3-way agreement--God, husband, wife. We think the wedding is proof of marriage. Wrong! We are two different people, raised different ways, with different experiences, different beliefs, different hopes and dreams and think somehow saying 'I do' will magically make it Heaven on Earth. No, marriage is hard work. We make mistakes, we fall down, we are selfish, wanting MY needs taken care of, but don't expect me to do ANYTHING to make you feel loved and secure. The Holy Spirit, through Paul writes to married couples a lot. But what most people don't see is that God holds the man accountable for whether the marriage fails or thrives. Man is to make sure his wife understands the Gospel. I Corinthians 14:34-35 speaks to this, but people have misunderstood it for generations. If a wife doesn't understand what is being preached, she is to ask her husband at home, because God has made him responsible for his wife's spiritual life. Because the husband will stand before God and give account as to why his wife either thrived or fell, women are to trust their husbands to give them the true Gospel. Men are to love their wives as Jesus loves the Church and gave His life for it. (Ephesians 5:21-35). I Peter 3:7 says husbands, live according to knowledge with your wife, giving honour unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel, that your prayers be not hindered. IF a husband is not taking the time to learn what his wife needs, then to give it to her, his prayers will be hindered.

Now I went through all that to make you understand that, like we do, that the wife isn't in full charge of the marriage. It isn't up to us to follow our husbands around to make sure they are being faithful. It is up to them to love us as he loves God, and if he wouldn't cheat on God, he won't cheat on us. Covenant love (and remember, we recited our vows before God, which makes Him 1/3 vested interest in our marriage) says you will keep yourself only unto him/her as long as we live.

IF your husband is claiming Christ, he needs to find out what God wants of him, then to fulfill his role. YOU are his wife, and none else. God will NOT accept our measley excuses as to WHY adultery is okay. It is not, period.

I hope you are going to a Christian marriage counselor. Secular counselors don't have a clue about what God expects of us, so their advice is to our physical bodies. God's advice comes from the heart, about the heart. We need a heart transplant. We need to vow we will keep ourselves clean, no matter what.

So, yes, you CAN trust him again, but it's gonna take time. You will stop crying when you see things changing for the better. But you NEED to have something to hold onto. If he has truly repented, his manner towards you is going to change, and you will be able to see this change, as well as feel it. Our marriage was horrid for 30 years! We loved each other like crazy, but without God (we sat on the fence for a long time, not committing to Jesus fully), we just couldn't get it together. I am happy to say we just celebrated our 40th in November, and we are happy and content. But it was hard, gritty work, examining our hearts and minds and throwing out the old ideas, past hurts and focusing instead on our future. You CAN do this, but without Jesus, it's iffy.

God bless, baby. We know the pain, and are praying for reparation for you and your husband.

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