Trying hard to love in-laws

Charis - posted on 10/25/2012 ( 184 moms have responded )

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Dear fellow moms, please give me some advice and keep me in prayers that the Lord will change my heart and give me the wisdom I need.



I recently find it very hard to love my in-laws, and I find it troubling because it is definitely un-Christ-like, and it is not that they are bad people to begin with.



My negative feelings usually comes when issues concerning my son arise. My son is the only grandson so naturally, he is the apple of their eyes and they would do almost anything to please him or spend more time with him. We were living with my in-laws for the first 2 years that my son was born, it was only late last year that we shifted into our own home. To help with the transition period, we initially would still go back and stay over for a few days before returning to our own home. We would go back and forth for maybe twice a week. Then I told my hubby that that wasn't helping me to settle down in the new home, so it became that we only stay over at my in-laws' every weekend. But recently, even this once-a-week stayover is becoming tedious for a mixture of reasons.



Firstly, our weekend stayover seemed to have become an unspoken obligation which if I don't fulfill, I feel like I am depriving them of their rightful time with my son. It is now pretty much taken for granted that we WILL be back every weekend... and actually I don't enjoy spending all weekend with in-laws... sorry for saying that.



Sometimes it is because whenever we go back, they would indulge in my son, giving him all the snacks and cold drinks he wants, watch all the videos he wants, basically just allowing him to do pretty much what he wants, except I would intercept and say no. And I find it pretty draining because it feels like I am always going against them, trying to keep my son from overindulging... like I am a real baddie.



And then there are times when my in-laws are obviously under the weather but they wouldn't say anything about us staying away in case my son catches the bug when they already know how difficult the kid can get when he gets sick - from dragging him to see the doc to taking the medicine... most of the time it's only when I get back there that I find out someone is not feeling well and it'll look really bad to say I want to go back to our own place because I don't want my son to catch any bug.



And ya, there are other independent issues that cropped up along the way... which I know is probably not intentional but really got me hopping mad.



I've spoken to my hubby about it. He suggested that we switch to returning only alternate weeks, and the weeks that we don't go back, they can come over to visit. We've yet to implement that because of his work commitments which makes it easier to travel from his parents' place. I am hoping that it will make things easier.



I guess I am on one level, really disappointed by my own feelings towards my in-laws, because really, they aren't bad people, in fact very kind to me. But certain things like I mentioned really rubbed me the wrong way and I am having a hard time trying to look past it.



Please keep me in prayers because I don't want such stuff to strain relationships and I really want to love them, genuinely.



Thank you all and God bless.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Carla - posted on 10/26/2012

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I agree with you 100%, it's time to live in your own house and be your own family. It was wonderfully generous for your in-laws to let you live there two years, but there is no home big enough for two women.



It sounds like your husband is more than willing to taper off these weekend jaunts, so I would take him up on it. Twice a month the first month, once a month for two, then day visits only. Unless you live a long distance from them, I don't see the need for staying overnight.



I am a homebody. I want to be in MY OWN HOME when it's nighttime. My life is here. Your family should have your life at your home as well.



I would also like to suggest calling before you plan your next overnight. 'Are you all feeling well?' When I have a cold or don't feel well, I stay away from my grandkids, unless it's unavoidable. Why on earth would you want to pass your illness on to them?



When a man marries a woman they leave their father and mother and cleave together as one. In separate homes.



Again, I want to emphasize how generous it was for them to allow you to stay there two years. And I am assuming they have gotten very attached to your little one. It's gonna be hard on them not to see him every day. Believe me, I know that feeling well. But we raise our children to become responsible adults and have their own family. It has to happen sometime. This way, it's like cutting off the dog's tail a little bit at a time so it doesn't hurt so much.



I would pray before you talk to Hubby, then approach the subject from the standpoint of you two truly being one, not four. I'm sure if you put it discreetly, he'll get the point. There are definite advantages to a healthy young male to not being in Mommy's house every weekend ;)



God bless, hon. I lived with my mother-in-law for a couple weeks until we could get a place of our own after moving from a different state. That was enough ;)

Rebecca - posted on 09/17/2013

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Thank you God for your never-ending faithfulness. Help Charis to remember you today and to walk in joy.

Carla - posted on 08/20/2013

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Charis, satan does NOT want us to be overcomers! We know these trials and tribulations are for OUR OWN GOOD--it doesn't make them any easier to go through,does it? We HAVE to believe God is with us, and through Him, we will come out better than we went in. I think it was Paul who said 'rejoice with me! I am going through a temptation!' Was he serious? Kinda. It doesn't feel good, and we don't see anything to rejoice about WHILE we are going through it, but we should rejoice because God is with us. The world doesn't have this Help, so when they hit hard times, they are on their own. Only we have this wonderful Helper. So, in that sense, we rejoice.

A lot of people say that if you're Christian, bad things shouldn't happen to you, and if they do, it's because of sin in your life. If that's the case, why does Paul spend so much time talking about going through trials, and why did HE have so many? He was stoned, snake-bit, ship-wrecked, spit on, put on trial and imprisoned. If that were us, we'd be thinking 'what have I done now?' No, these things MUST happen if we are to see our true potential. We don't grow when we are on the mountain top, we grow in the valleys, where the manure is (pardon the grossness). Manure is beneficial for all life. So hold on, build your faith, and see the glory of God.

So I pray for strength to be strong through these trials, and for holy boldness to proclaim His goodness, even when things aren't going perfectly. I pray the Lord touch your husband's ankle and bring healing. I pray you see your worth in the Lord, and that you will understand He is always there, and that if you put your hand in His and never let go, you will see your victory.

God bless, hon

Carla - posted on 08/18/2013

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So glad you checked back in, Charis, and that things are going so much smoother. God ordained families, and His word was very plain where a husband leaves his family and clings to his wife and children. I know different cultures do things differently, but as we honor God and obey His Word, He will honor us and smooth our family difficulties out.

God bless, hon!

Pat - posted on 08/18/2013

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Charis,

So glad you were able to find a workable solution. My husband and I are in ministry and as we minister to people who have Asian background we observe the same concerns about honor and respect being given to the parents and grandparents. Blessings to you and your family. \0/ :)

184 Comments

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Rebecca - posted on 10/06/2013

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Father, help Charis to love you, with all her heart, mind, soul and strength.

Rebecca - posted on 09/21/2013

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Father, help Charis to seek you first in her life. We trust you to meet all her needs.

Rebecca - posted on 09/15/2013

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Thank you Father for your word. Please help Charis to be able to find good time in your word, and use it powerfully in her life. Please teach her, rebuke her, correct her and train her in righteousness, that she may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

Rebecca - posted on 09/06/2013

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Thank you God that you are the potter and we are your clay. Please mould us into who you want us to be.

Rebecca - posted on 09/06/2013

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Help Charis to love her family deeply, from her heart. Help her to give honour to them.

Rebecca - posted on 09/03/2013

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Father, please help Charis' love for her family to stay strong. Help her love for you to grow every day.

Rebecca - posted on 09/01/2013

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Father, please be Charis' strength today. Thank you that everything she needs is in you.

Carla - posted on 08/29/2013

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Jana click on my pix right next to my comments and it will take you to my profile page where we can talk in private.

Charis - posted on 08/28/2013

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Dear Jana, I can only pray that God's comfort is with you and your folks during this trying time. He will be fair in His dealings.

Kay - posted on 08/28/2013

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Carla,
Is there a way we can talk in private. Confidentiality is important to me and I would love to share a bit more. Thank you for praying. I don't know if I should put an email address here. Please advise and thanks for praying.

Carla - posted on 08/28/2013

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How old is your grandchild, Jana? Children parrot what they hear--unless the parent in question truly IS bad--they just pass on what they are fed. I know this is a horrible feeling, and watching your son AND his children go through it only doubles your sorrow.

The only thing I can suggest is time. Many a parent has been bad-mouthed by the X, and the children believe it--for a while. But if the parent (in this case your son) can get past this and treat the children with love, they will begin to notice the deception. Your son can go to court and try to make the judge see what is going on, but all this does is give the X and boyfriend more ammunition. Pray. Pray God soften X daughter-in-law's heart. Pray God give your son the courage and maturity to resist a counter-attack, and instead to treat them as a loving father does. Pray for the children--they didn't ask to be fed this cr*p, and I'm sure, deep down, they are struggling with this as well. Then pray for healing and restoration of a relationship that can at least be civil, for the children's sake. Sometimes we forget they are the ones hurt in these situations.

God bless, honey. My grama's heart aches for you.

Kay - posted on 08/28/2013

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Is anyone involved in a situation of PAS, Parent Alienation Syndrome)? We are grandparents in the middle of watching our son go through this. My heart is hurting, this alienation of our grandkids through an X daughter in law and her boyfriend are horrible, evil and progressing.

Charis - posted on 08/27/2013

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Dear sisters in Christ, God is good to us indeed for He has given to each of us love and support through one another. I'm encouraged whenever I come in here and see that I have you all in prayers in me. I praise You Father and I thank You for being so good to me through my sisters here. I ask that God You let Your loving kindness and mercy and grace surround them all the days of their lives and that You carry them through the storms of their lives. We know that so long as we have You in our boat, You can calm the storm just with one word and we will sail through it.

Kay - posted on 08/27/2013

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It sounds like there are others that love Jesus on this site. I am so encouraged. I believe troubles, no matter how frustrating are to bring us closer to Christ. My simple advice, and I don't like giving advice, is to lean into him. Most important make sure you are in a authentic bible study. Yeah, it takes effort and time, but that is the way we draw closer to Christ Jesus.

I have lots of troubles in my life, other people acting out their stuff. I am at peace because I am in the word.

Rebecca - posted on 08/27/2013

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Thank you Father for your faithfulness to Charis. Help her to remember what you have done for her in the past as she encounters this new trial. Please use this pain to draw her closer to you.

Kay - posted on 08/25/2013

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It sounds like you love the Lord. I do too. We are called/instructed to pray for those that are difficult. Talk to me more about this. I will pray with you.

No more time to write at this moment however, I am thinking about you.

J

Carla - posted on 08/24/2013

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Just threw the cold-thing out as a possible reason for your rib pain.

I know you'll keep fighting, Charis, God has made you a strong warrior. God bless

Carla - posted on 08/23/2013

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Abba, Charis has been fighting the good fight for a long time. You have brought her through the trials and tribulations wonderfully, and we are all grateful for Your goodness to her. We pray now that whatever this pain is, you reveal it to her. Bring comfort and peace to her and her body. We thank You, that when we call, You are there. Bless the family with grace, mercy and love. Amen.

If you have a slight cold, your lungs might have a little fluid in them--and if you bend wrong, the pleura (lining of the lung) gets caught inbetween the ribs, and hurts. This is temporary (if indeed this is what it is), and will clear up as your cold does.

God bless, honey.

Charis - posted on 08/20/2013

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Dear Carla, your post came so timely. I'm recently troubled by this mysterious vague pain in my right ribs, went for checks at gp and he said he couldn't detect anything unusual. Will be scheduling myself an ultrasound scan. Well, your post just added on to what I've been telling myself for the past days, that is no matter what, all things work for the good of those who love Him and He's closer to me than ever whenever I'm in trouble. It brings a lot of comfort and peace. But of cos, I'd pray everything would turn out fine :-) please pray for me too :-)

Rebecca - posted on 08/20/2013

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Father, may Charis' roots be deep in you. Help her to draw all the nourishment she needs from your bountiful supply. May she grow in strength and wisdom.

Charis - posted on 08/17/2013

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Dear Pat, thank you for your encouragement :-) I guess it's pretty much due to our Asian background that parents sometimes want their kids to continue staying with them even after they have their own families.. I hail from Singapore and in our parents' generation, they still have that thinking. But I'm glad to say we've since worked out a rhythm, meeting them for lunch after church on Sundays and staying over when there are public hols. :-)

Pat - posted on 08/17/2013

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I am a mother in law who loves her three grown sons. I have told them that when they are married that they are a family unit and will be making their own choices about life. As a Christian I believe that you and your husband are one. Set healthy boundaries so you can truly love them and not build up resentments. Maybe go see them for a dinner time if they live close by and then go back home. Blessings as you seek God for what is right for your family.

Rebecca - posted on 08/15/2013

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Father, please help Charis to live in harmony and peace with her family.

Rebecca - posted on 08/10/2013

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Father, please give Charis a childlike faith in you. May she trust you and be convinced of your love for her.

Donna - posted on 08/08/2013

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Basically, you all need your own space away from the in-laws. That's the reason for marriage and family... The two becomes one and the son goes with his wife... You will start to feel better once you become more acclimated in your own home.

Rebecca - posted on 08/05/2013

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Father, thanks for all the good work you have done in Charis' life. Help her to pass on these things to future generations.

Rebecca - posted on 08/05/2013

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Father, help Charis to remember how you have cared for her in the past, and draw strength for today.

Rebecca - posted on 08/03/2013

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Help Charis to cast her cares upon you, God. May your peace replace her anxiety.

Charis - posted on 08/03/2013

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Thank you for your prayers, Rebecca. Indeed,i found myself choked with cares recently. But having finally setting my heart on spending time with God, i felt a relief washing over. Thank you for keeping me in prayers, God bless you!

Rebecca - posted on 08/03/2013

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Father, please give Charis the strength, courage and wisdom to do what is right before you and her family.

Rebecca - posted on 07/30/2013

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Father, may Charis draw near to you today. Fill her with wisdom that she may glorify you.

Rebecca - posted on 07/30/2013

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Father, please help Charis to keep walking closely with you. We know that the enemy would love to destroy her and her family, so help her to be alert to this and vigilant in prayer.

Rebecca - posted on 07/26/2013

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Father, help Charis to keep her eyes fixed on you today, and to love those she is with deeply.

Rebecca - posted on 07/25/2013

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Father, may Charis walk in your love. May she fear you only and not be afraid of people.

Rebecca - posted on 07/23/2013

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Father, open Charis' eyes to how wonderful you are today. May she have sweet times with you.

Rebecca - posted on 07/22/2013

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Father, in all her relationships, help Charis to trust you and not lean on her own understanding.

Rebecca - posted on 07/16/2013

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father, may Charis build her life on nothing else, but the solid foundation of Jesus Christ.

Rebecca - posted on 07/14/2013

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Father, please meet all of Charis' needs today, through your glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

Rebecca - posted on 07/14/2013

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Father, please build this family on the strong foundation of your rock. Help them stand through whatever storms are to come.

Rebecca - posted on 07/09/2013

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Thanks Father for what you have done in answer to our prayers. Please put deep love and understanding between all members of this family.

Charis - posted on 07/08/2013

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Hi Teresa, thank you for your encouraging words, I'm happy to say that things are better in a way now that err don't return to stay unless there's a holiday cos my son is now attending Sunday school so timing wise it's not possible to stay over ecru weekend. Creates breathing space for me by default. But we're meeting them regularly for lunch on Sundays so the grandparents can meet up with my son on a regular basis,I know they'd love to spend more time with him but I guess this is what we can best manage with now :-)

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