Please help

[deleted account] ( 11 moms have responded )

Keeping in mind the idea of this forum is not to vent but to ask for help; all I can say about my situation is that it literally couldn't be any worse between me and bio mom. Please throw some suggestions my way because although there are major issues, I reeeeeaaalllly want to find a way to make it work for the sake of the kids and my hubby. We simply cannot go on like this.


[deleted account]

Elizabeth- there was a time where, again for legal reasons I cant outline, I had to be the contact person for parenting issues. However it's been a very long time (almost 4 years) since that was that case; and these days, you're quite right, I dont NEED to deal with her at all. I have- since I first posted this- removed myself from her life altogether- in terms of, I have NO CONTACT with her in any way, I dont even go to pick ups/drop-offs unless the family is on our way somewhere else afterward (we do a 'halfway' and public meet).

BUT- as I said when I posted this last year and still is the case today, she remains fixated on causing issues either about or involving me. The main reason, as far as I can fathom is despite her ending the marriage between herself and my hubby, she has convinced herself that we were having an affair; based on the fact that he and I knew each other when they were still married. She tells others (who have told me) that we were having an affair from June 2002 until the day she 'caught them in our bed together' which never happened and in reality he and I didnt even MEET until October of 2002 and I had never even been in their house. So.... you are absolutley right, I cannot control anything she does and have, sadly, given up; due to her determination for there to be trouble between us. Particularly since she now has become weirdly fixated on the children I have with hubby. I just wish that she didnt tell such awful lies to her children about me; but I realise they will figure things out in their own time. Thanks again for your help ladies..

Elizabeth - posted on 09/16/2010




Mandie, You can't control what goes on in someone elses home. If she is violent towards you, than stay away from her.

Elizabeth - posted on 04/19/2010




Why do you deal with biomom at all? Really cause you don't have too. Your DH can deal with her, so you don't have too.

[deleted account]

Well ladies thank you both for replying. It's hard to go into detail because of legal reasons and because I want to respect the ideals of this forum- but there are issues of violence, mostly in the past, but I understand the ill feelings that produced the violence from her are still very much in evidence. This has been going on for almost 7 years. As you said Angela, we dont need to be friends- we're very different people and wouldnt have been friends if we'd met under different circumstances- but I would like us to be able to interact without violence and abuse and I would like for the kids not to be drawn into it. I understand she hates me and that's fine, no one said she has to like me but I dont understand why she has to let her kids see and hear it?


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Summer - posted on 10/24/2010




I would say stay out of her way...! I am a step mom and just suggesting the step kids to do their chores right causes fireworks like you wouldnt believe between me and the make it easy on yourself and stay out of the bio mom's way.

[deleted account]

Thanks for your response and I really like your ideas. There was a time where, for reasons I cant discuss, BM wasn't physically in the kids lives and I did try the same things that you have suggested. Mainly because I thought it would show that I wasnt trying to take her place and I understood how hard it was for her to not be involved as much as she wanted. It did help for a while and I thought "Ok, we're never going to be friends but this is nice, just getting along and having the kids not be terrified every time we talk". But that only lasted a while and the problems began again once she was able to see them again. I understand she has recently had a massive tirade to the kids about me; which frightened them so much her husband rang us late at night to say the kids were hysterical and could we help calm them (I dont know why this happened as she and I have had NO CONTACT at all for over 3 years and all contact happens between biodad- my hubby- and her hubby, who is the kids stepdad) Also for legal reasons she is not allowed to have unsupervised contact with me and biodad, so that makes it difficult. I relaise this sounds a bit whiney and I really dont mean it to be- I LONG for a relationship like yrs with BM, just so we can all live a peaceful life. I just dont know how to achieve it in the face on ongoing agression and violence that just makes no sense. :(

Rachael - posted on 09/28/2009




I realize this is a month later but i just now saw your post. I am a step/bio mom. but my SD lived with us most of the time. What I did to try and ease the way was I started calling her every afternoon as soon as child got off the bus. I'd tell her about what came home in her folder, discribed drawings just chatted about the child and her day at school. She was very okay thanks good bye at first but she started getting used to it. Then if a while had passed without her seeing her child i'd call and say how about i bring... over for a few hours cause she misses her mommy. It just takes a bit. No one supported me. Niether family really got along.. we would pretend we did in front of the child. But these little things made a HUGE diffrence now we do tons of stuff together

[deleted account]

Thank you Ashley that's very good advice. I will give it a try and see what happens. Many thanks, Mandie

Ashley - posted on 09/08/2009




Mandie - Unfortunately, there is little that you can do to change a person. If she chooses to involve her children in adult topics, unless there are seriously detrimental safety issues for the children (and perhaps there are), there is little that you can do about it.

If the abuse is towards you, I suggest that you invite her to coffee. There's another post in this forum about coffee. You can initiate a conversation that is basically geared at you and she reaching some common ground and agreeing not to beat each other up. It is better for the kids if you can find some way to be cordial. She may be able to agree with that. In order for that to go well, I suggest that you spend a lot of time soul searching for how you have contributed to your current relationship, be ready to offer your concessions on how you will behave differently in the future and set some realistic expectations with yourself for what constitutes "success".

It is possible for things to be better. Keep your chin up. Good luck!

Jessica - posted on 09/01/2009




I'm a step mom and a bio mom that deals with a step mom. My step daughter's bio mom is out of the picture completely. But my daughter's step mom is fully involved and we all get along. So I may be able to give some advice. What kind of issues are you having?

Angela - posted on 08/31/2009




What are some of the real issues going on? I mean, you guys aren't required to be friends...but what is causing the fireworks?

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