Feeling trapped

Corinne - posted on 01/18/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I'll give a little background here, as I've not posted that much in this community.

My M.I.L has always been....difficult. When I started seeing my fella, she blamed me for him dropping out of uni - it had nothing to do with him hating the course or the fact that his ex had been cheating and told him she'd aborted his child (he went off the rails for a while and I dragged his ass back). When we were expecting our first, I suffered heavy bleeding and was sent for scans. My M.I.L took this as an opportunity to gain sympathy for losing a baby 14 yrs previously, by sobbing on the phone to me and giving me all the gory details. She then went out of her way to furnish our home with things she liked including our firstborns cot, I was livid as we were both working and had put the money aside to fill our nest with things we'd already picked out. She was put out when I said she wasn't allowed to be at the birth, I wasn't having my own mother and I don't see birth as a sideshow. She protested that we were not getting our kids christened (we're atheist) and refused to believe that we'd planned the kids as we were not yet married, even telling family members of our mistakes.

We ran into bigger problems when she decided to sit me down and tell me that she and her husband would be taking my daughter to Disney for Christmas. She was2yrs at the time and she wanted to take her when she was 4. I was heavily preggo with#2, who would have been 2yrs at the time of the trip and she was planning on taking my S.I.L and her partner (they would have been 17 at the time) to babysit so they could go out at night. Of course I refused and she went mad.

When we were planning our wedding, she tried to book venues for us near to where they live (2hrs away form where we live and out of county) and got the huff over colour schemes. She then told me I had to apologise to and explain to her daughter why she was 'no longer' a bridesmaid, I'd never asked her in the first place! Then she showed me the dress she'd bought for said S.I.L to wear and it was almost identical to my bridesmaids dresses (thankfully S.I.L has her head screwed on and wouldn't wear it).

Over the years I've been subjected to nasty comments about my looks, weight, education, career choice (dancer), how I raise my kids, the fact I'm a SAHM.......and I was sick of it.

Last march we celebrated our first wedding anniversary. Not one of his family members sent so much as a text. Then M.I.L threw a shitfit cause she didn't get a mothers day card. Mike said if she sent us a belated anni. card we'd send a belated md card, she didn't talk to him for a month. He told her we were moving and she tore his head off, screaming about bad timing and how she couldn't help us (we weren't asking for help, just giving our address). Their first visit to our new home was a disaster, she wouldn't speak to me and said I was ignoring her.

From then until the end of July she sent my husband messages saying what a pathetic excuse I was as a wife and mother, questioning the paternity of the kids but then demanding to see her granchildren, making up stories about things I'm supposed to have said and done etc... My husband never said a word to me, but did do some digging and found his mum to be a liar. He had words with her and she decided to have nothing more to do with us. Great! I've had a letter from the GM.I.L blaming me for what's gone on and punishing her daughter by with holding access to the kids! My husband called her and set the record straight and it seems she is no longer speaking to us either.

FINALLY to my point. In September the M.I.L was due in town, so we went on holiday. She's due this weekend also, but I'm stuck at home and I already feel like I can't go anywhere. The kids, as yet, do not know that there is a problem so running into the M.I.L would be a disaster. How do I stop feeling like a rat in a trap?!

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Corinne - posted on 01/29/2012

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Thanks Amy. We're done trying to talk to her, she twists whatever I say and clearly thinks her son is a mindless twerp who does whatever I tell him to. I'm going to have to sit the kids down and tell them something, because telling them that Grandma is busy all the time is no longer working. Mike doesn't want me to do it, but he's not the one dealing with our daughters questions as he's always at work.

I could not imagine living with my M.I.L! You must have the patience of a saint to put up with all that. :)

Amy - posted on 01/27/2012

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I have M.I.L. issues as well not as bad as yours (thankfully, lol). Let me tell you a little ablout my story we lived with my sister when I got preg and that was the biggest fight ever (she's older then me and cant have kids) so we were forced to move in with my MIL it wasnt so bad at first except for her being a slob so i stayed in my room most of the time, when my son was born she never listened to anything we said she thought since she was the grandma she could do whatever she wanted. My husband and I fought all the time about her he was afraid to stand up to her. Finally he had to have a talk with her about everything because i was threatening to leave. Things got a little better but not much her being a slob was a big issue for me since i did most of the cooking but would have to clean her mess up first. we lived with her for over 2yrs while my husband was remodeling a house for her (not getting paid and had to deal with her being demanding on what she wants or getting mad when he took a few days off he worked for free the whole time and if it was a normal client he would of made about 60thousand to do that kind of job. we lost out on alot of money becuase of her) making it handicap accessable for her. Her house is right across the street from the house we lived in with her (were still living there and shes now in her new home across the street.) she never comes over to visit the last time she was here was 2weeks ago when my step daughter came to visit and also my BIL and SIL with their kids. My husband tries to make up excuses that we dont invite her but what grandparent waits for an invite. Anyways In laws are difficult to deal with my suggestion to you is maybe try explaining to the kids why you dont want to see her they might be to young to understand fully but kids understand alot more then we give them credit for. You might also want to try writing her a letter explaing to her how she makes you feel (so you dont have to deal with her face to face). Im sorry I cant be more help just know that your not alone when it comes to dealing with MIL. Good luck.

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