Here's a thought!!!

Tanya - posted on 02/13/2009 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Some people are cursed with demons disguised as mother-in-laws. These demons continually find things wrong with you, how you've set up your house, how you cook, how you clean, how you look, how you don't take care of their baby, and how inadequate you are at taking care of their grandbaby.

Or if you're male, how you're not good enough for their daughter who could have, and should have, married Stone E. Eastwood, JR. VVVIX from the junior college. They never offer to help; they just step in and do do without your permission. Perhaps the most troublesome issue is that they are usually a part of your relationship, an unsavory 'triangle', a triangle that's not romantic in the least!

If you're like most people dealing with a dastardly mother-in-law, you've tried just about every trick in the book and then some. You feel trapped, like a beautiful wounded white dove shoved into a corner by a vicious tiger (mother-in-law). Concern leaches out at you:

You are concerned that your partner feels trapped in the middle.

You are concerned because you can't see a window for the old crow to fly out of.You feel angry because you keep attempting to bond with the old bat and her rejection is demoralizing. Just how much longer can you attempt to offer the olive leaf? There aren't many more of those leaves left on the tree and her beak is still rather sharp.

Generally, one thing is for certain; mother-in-laws are female. Rarely, you'll see an incident surrounding the father-in-law. Father-in-laws are too concerned with the important things in life such as watching football and drinking lite beer. In addition, it's usually 'mother-in-law VS new female figure' in their son's life. So, why is it mainly the mother-in-law that contributes to relationship problems?

Hormones are a possibility. They are responsible for almost every woe known to man, even pestilence.

Control - they just can't let little Jimmy go. Maybe when he's 59. It takes time to grow up.

They are jealous because you are either the new female figure in their son's life or, you are the new buddy in their daughter's life. Going shopping alone sort of takes the fun out of things.

They're simply nuts. Blame the problem on hereditary factors, or on too much Valium but still, they're just plain nuts.

Okay, we've touched upon some very important things regarding the wolf in sheep's clothing scenario. But how can we deal with this vicious person in our life without malice? Let's look at some probable solutions:

Talk turkey with the mad wet hen. Tell her point blank that she will NOT interfere in your relationship and if she continues, then she will lose. Warning: If you decide to implement this type plan, you MUST have the total cooperation of your partner. Why? Because your partner will be giving 'Mother' this caveat, not you.
· Start delving out errands for 'Mother' to do. If she wants to be a part of the relationship, then she should do her share of the workload - not just the fun stuff.

Example:

Mother: "Sally, you don't know how to do laundry worth a flip! My son's shirts are always wrinkled!"

Sally: "Yes, just like your face, Mother dear," you silently think. Bravely, you plant a smile on your lips and ease out, "You know, you're right, darling. Why don't you start taking Steve's laundry home with you and doing it for him? I know he'll appreciate that - as will I. And it will give us more time for intimacy together, rather than cleaning and ironing. Mother, you're a genius!"

Mother: "Ug…um…wha…hurmp…ta…wha…my…"

Sally: "Why, Mother! You're so happy that you're speechless! Now, come along and we'll share an apple together..."

See how nicely that worked out?

Encourage her to seek some medical attention. This could be the root of all evil. She's operating on the Dr. Jeckle/Mr. Hyde theory.

Offer to go to counseling with her and your partner. Leave all weapons at home.

Enlist the help of your father-in-law. This is a guy who knows all the right buttons (literally) to push where 'Mother' is concerned.

Work out visitation rights; she gets your partner Monday through Friday and every third weekend. The brilliance behind this is that she'll be stuck with most of that wrinkly laundry. You'll have your honey for weekend adventure and fun! At all costs, fight to retain custody during the holidays. Those holiday light shows ooze romance. Mother can stay home and cook the holiday dinner since she's such a perfectionist.

If the mother-in-law's interference is too detrimental to the relationship then you and your partner may have to consider severing ties with her. This should be your last option. Moving to Siberia isn't fun.

Some things that should never do to Mothra - I mean Mother are:

Encourage her to binge on foods high in nitrates and cholesterol. That would be a poor reflection on your own health values.

Never give her a perfume that you know will give her a headache. That's equivalent to a grapefruit in the face and it's very uncouth in front of family as they watch Mother excitedly open her gifts. Ix-nay on the Cubic Zirconium as well. Remember, diamonds are a hag's best friend.

Never place the butt of the turkey in her plate during the holidays. For one, she may panic because she assumes her chin has fallen off and two, again - the entire family will be watching. It's tough trying to operate when you've got curious onlookers to deal with.

Never, but never, make her a witch's costume for Halloween. Stick with the tried and true white sheet, two holes. If she smokes, a third hole is acceptable. Do not pre-treat the fabric with flammable chemicals.

If you attend a fair together and she wants to have her face painted, don't - under any circumstance, offer the artist a $20 bribe for slipping in a 666 on 'Mother's' forehead. The clown in Tent #2 will be watching and is guaranteed to tell. You just can't trust a clown.

If you go on a fishing excursion with 'Mother' then don't accidentally toss the casting net over her. She may be always spouting off and she may look like a whale, but she's only Mother.

Never bury Mother on the beach by your sandcastle. Remember, no one liked Baby Jane.

If you take Mother hiking, don't give her fresh bread. The birds will peck that up very swiftly and Mother won't be able to find her way back to your home. Stick to dependent stale bread. The last thing you need is for your partner to blame you for losing their mother.

Telling your partner, "The umbilical cord finally snapped," won't do. It's a non-redeeming line.

If none of these hot tips work, be patient. We all have to go sometime. This article is for entertainment purposes only and not meant as a guide to any domestic problem. If your situation is making you miserable seek professional guidance and encourage your partner to assist you

4 Comments

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Bebe - posted on 07/23/2012

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That is creative and funny! Kudos! LOL, we live 2000 miles away from my MIL, only see her 1-2 times a year, and she still finds ways to be a mean, bitter, unforgiving, relentlessly pushy ol' P.I.T.A.

Corinne - posted on 07/13/2012

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Just read this again for the billionth time. Still puts a smile on my face. :D

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