I am just the step....

[deleted account] ( 4 moms have responded )

My step daughter is 14 and I have been with her dad since she was 6. She has recently displayed some bothersome behaviors and I worry about her.
We have always been very close but she recently said to me "you are not my mother" This is true I am not her mother but I do love her very much. I let that go because she is 14 and I was not the most pleasant 14 year old to my step mother.
She is boy CRAZY and her mother does not monitor her actions well at all. We were all teenage parents and I do not want this for her. She has to be the Adult in her mothers home because her mother is bi polar and off her medications. She wont let them eat meat she does laundry twice a month she feels her medications are poison she wont put her daughter on birth control she walks around in her her daughters cheer leading outfit she forgets the kids places........
My husband has tried everything to get them back with us but DSS in this small town is BAD and LAZY.
I love these children like I love my own but in the end I am just the step. It is so hard to love these children and be so helpless to do anything but that is how it is. And it sucks.
I just really hope they come out the other side ok!


View replies by

User - posted on 02/23/2012




God bless you for putting so much love and effort into your stepdaughter. I hope one day when she gets older (and saner lol) she thanks you for it.

Yes all teenagers go through a rebellious stage but when you r not the bioparent, it sometimes backfires on you. Kids know they can always come back with "You're not my real mom/dad". I have 2 small stepchildren and I can forsee this happening to me one day. Well, I'm already preparing for it way ahead of time lol.

1) Dont take what they say personal. It comes from an angry place that alot of teens experience and dont know how to handle.Your stepdaughter might be very angry at her mom for acting the way she does but does not how to express it. And instead is using you are her "safe zone" and acting out where she feels safe.

2) Dont give up! We wouldnt give up if it were our own bio-children. Dont give up on the stepchildren either. Stay on her and help through her teen years.

3) Maintain communication open. Find out what is goign on in her life and how she is feeling.

4) and lastly, remind your daughter that you have been a mother to her just as much if not more than her bio-mom and therefore you have EARNED her respect. I think this is where alot of people let things go wrong. There is nothing wrong with reminding a kid who has lost sight of what is takes to be a parent, that if you were good enough to ask favor from (teens always ask for favors, like rides or money to go out with their friends) then you are good enough to be listened to.

Hope that helps

Sharlene - posted on 12/14/2011




Darls dont take this perrsonal but that would be the Bio-mum doing that to your step daughter putting things in her head .I've got the same problem with my 9 yr old step daughter she back chats me to me own bio -kids and her own brother and sister and goes back to her Bio-mum and says Im mean to them .I would sit down with your partner and the Bio-mumand the daughter and speak to them all .

[deleted account]

Sharon I have 3 and a half years left with my step daughter and 9 years with my step son. As far as dealing with their mom on everything and her crazy. I can relate to so much of what you said. I have put up with this for 8 years and really I just feel bad for the kids. For the most part i can now totally ignore the ex. I just don't understand what is wrong with DSS why will they not protect children?

[deleted account]

I hear you. My husbands ex has been involved with a social agency for the past year now. She even threatened to do them harm but noone seems to care. They've seen her drunk, abused, and it's not good for them to see that. Now she's trying to alienate my husband from them. There's a court order with 50/50 custody and she keeps saying the kids aren't going with him or she tells them to say they don't want to be here. I have 9 more years of dealing with this stress and drama. I just want it to be over so fast. I worry about the girls but like you I have no say in the matter. I just hope we still enough values in them when they are with us to make good choices in their own lives.

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