child support

Jessica - posted on 12/03/2008 ( 41 moms have responded )

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I am looking for other mom's that have just as much trouble collecting child support as I do!! I have been dealing with this for 3 years now and I'm tired of the courts just giving my ex more free passes. I am to the point of writing to the state or congress, whoever I have to. We need to make it harder on the men!! They think they can get away with not supporting our children and I have had enough. If anyone out there is interested in making an effort to make the laws a lot tougher, please let me know. We have to start somewhere, why not start with each other!!! Thanks.

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Angela - posted on 03/05/2009

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I think most states do have at least the option of wage garnishment. In Wisconsin, unless one is self employed, garnishment is the standard. That helps a little bit, but there will always be those people who want to dodge their responsibilities and just won't work.

I see payers and payees getting the short end of the stick all of the time. Just depends. As a mother who pays support, and who has received support in the past (and not received it as ordered), the best I can say is- as a payee the smartest thing you can do is to structure your budget to where you are not at all dependent on the child support to survive. Keep pushing in court for what is right, but at least you know someone else's irresponsibility isn't going to ruin your life. As a payer, make sure you are properly credited for what you are entitled to by statutes (i.e. adjustments for the time kiddo is with you, any insurance you pay, travel expenses- if appropriate etc.) And then pay the support first- before any other bills...base your budget off of the amount of your income that is left after support is paid.

Geneviève - posted on 01/12/2009

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One thing we always tend to forget is : to make good men, our boys need fathers to look up to. If we help their fathers become better role models, we help them lurn how to be better fathers to.

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ERICA - posted on 06/22/2011

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no mine has been without a job for a while now he had a great job making great money but he quit it so he didn't have to pay so much child support and now he just want work or keep a job so he is where he belongs for the time being you know

Faye - posted on 06/22/2011

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KS Child Support is "withheld" automatically from the payee's paycheck. No ifs, ands or buts about it. I have received child support off and on for the last 5.5 years. Last I knew (July '08) he was about $3,500 behind. As long as he has a job with a company whose headquarters are away from the city he lives in, I get child support payments. If it is a small enough company that he gets to talk to the payroll person in person then it is hit and miss.

KS bases their child support amounts on the income of the father and the # of kids he has total at time of court filing. My income was never considered at the time of our divorce. The only thing the lawyers wanted to know about my income was if I needed "maintenance payments". I laughed at them as I made $0.25 more per hour than he did.

Erica, I understand how you feel. BUT answer me this: Jail time = no job = no child support! I understand he was not paying anyway. BUT he had the job to do so. Now he does not even have a job in this economy! And if once he is released, if they took his DL as well, how is he to work to pay the child support?

ERICA - posted on 06/19/2011

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I agree I have just got back from court on Thursday and they finally put mine in jail he is twenty five thousand behind in child support and they just keep letting him go and do nothing I am also tired of it

Natasha - posted on 06/19/2011

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Why not start a group helping women find the right man! It seems we make wrong choices therefore we are not the only ones who suffer.

Christina - posted on 06/18/2011

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I totally agree! There need to be a change! Granted, I am new to this process but I have been waiting for close to 3 yrs now. And his deadbeat behind contacts me saying he wants to sign his rights over! Are you kidding me!?!?! He left when I was 3 months preg, has other children that he is gladly paying out of pocket for....why should she put him on CS if he drug deals to support his kids and then act like my kid is nothing. He is out of state also, so I get the same form DOR/CS office saying there is two state involved and we need to take certain steps. I tell them every time that he calls and say he won't pay...why these guys are getting away with this??? Does america like to support dead beat dads???

Monique - posted on 03/06/2009

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This is to Jessica, I guess you don't completely understand what I am saying. I was in the same situation as you are in right now. Once I married my husband, who is a person that supports his children at their mother's home and at our home, I saw the other side of the child support spectrum. We have absolutely nothing because my husband has to pay almost $1500 in child support per month. We live in Michigan and the laws here are enforced strongly.



Every person's situation is completely different and these cases should be all treated the same way.



I know I would be very upset if I was in the same situation as you are, but you can't go and fight the laws to make them more benefical just for you. Things need to be equal both was.



My husbands ex drives new vehicles, has a nice home, buys designer clothing but the children run around in rags. The kids are 12 years old now and can see this. Their mother has never boughten them a winter jacket or boots. She waits until we feel so disgusted with her we go and buy it because our kids shouldn't go without their basic needs.



I wish you luck with collecting child support. All children deserve to be taken caare of to the best of both parents abilities.

Jessica - posted on 03/05/2009

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In response to Monique: I was evicted from my home because my ex stopped paying court ordered child support and day care expenses. I could not afford to pay for everything on my own. When we were together, he made 3 times more $ than me. I have no pity for a man who walks out on his kids(one who is disabled), and can spend all his money on dinner every nite for his girlfriend, go out drinking every nite, and he can drive around in a $50,000 truck, but he has the nerve to bitch about having to help support the kids that he helped bring into this world!!! It's funny how the men can spend the money on anything they want, but when it comes to the kids they all of a sudden don't have any money for them!!!! Bust out the violins, I've got no sympathy for any of them!!!!!

Leaha - posted on 03/05/2009

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My husbands ex filled for child support before he even moved out!!! And she started receiving it shortly there after. It probably depends on what state you live in and if you have a good attorney or not...

Marnie - posted on 03/05/2009

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I just sent in an application for child support for my three kids. There dad has not given me a penny to help support them in 7 months and has only seen them for about a total of 15- 20 hours since August. Does anyone about the process that takes place once you send in the application?

Leaha - posted on 03/05/2009

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What about helping the parents that pay, but pay way too much? How is it fair for some women who choose to stay at home and not work, and the courts force the dad's to pay 3/4 of their paychecks to the mom? Causing the dad to live like dirt??? How is that fair?? My ex and I have shared custody, my daughter is with me more, I have to pay for medical, and pay for any medical out of pocket, and her dad only pays me 80 bucks a month. But my husband only gets to see his kids everyother weekend and for 2 hours in the evenings each week and has to pay their mother 600 bucks a month??? We scrape to servive, and she is still trying to get more money. I can see both points of view on this issue, but we've got to commend and support those parents (mom's and dad's) that pay as they should

Monique - posted on 03/05/2009

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I was a single mother for 4 years and I never received child support. My husband now has to pay more than 1/2 of his income for child support. I understand that you need money to raise your children but at whose expense. My husband and I have to pay child support plus provide for our children here. I don't think that the laws need to be harder on men, they need to be more equal. Put your shoes on the other foot and you will see a whole different world.

Dareth - posted on 03/04/2009

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Good luck! My ex owes in excess of $40,000 in arrears! We have three children that we shre joint custody of, and seem to be in court at least twice a month for something related to childsupport. He has taken me to the court of appeals, and even the MN Supreme Court! This last year alone I have spent over $75,000 on my attorney. More often than not he goes without a drivers license and without his Real estate license. But where does that get me? Thene he can't actively work. If you can find a better way to deal with dead beat dads, I'm all for it!

Riann - posted on 02/24/2009

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I am not sure which states have websites for deadbeat parents. They have yet to create a national list. I found ours through the Child Support enforcement website in my state. You could start there. I know some police departments have also started these sites. It's almost like a wanted poster for a deadbeat parent.

Giselle - posted on 02/24/2009

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 My favorite part is the deabbeat parent website. They post photos of the offender and the amount that they owe on the internet. The only way to get their information off of the website is to eliminate the debt that they have to you.








wow, that's one way to get it out there. Do you know if any other staets do this?

Riann - posted on 02/24/2009

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Quoting Jennie:

i live in indiana but have to go to court in illinois.. i was told that the laws in illinois are "cracking down".. whatever that means..



 



I am currently going through this in Illinois. The easiest way to get anything done is to go through the IL Attourny General's office. They have the ability to garnish wages, take away their tax returns (federal and state), and they don't hesitate to put these guys in Jail. They have access to all of his work history and credit information that a regular lawyer doesn't. They will also represent you for free. What county in IL is in charge of the case? The website for the IL Child Supprt Enforcement office is  www.ilchildsupport.com . If you have any other questions about specifics, they will be able to assist you in any way that you need. My favorite part is the deabbeat parent website. They post photos of the offender and the amount that they owe on the internet. The only way to get their information off of the website is to eliminate the debt that they have to you.



[deleted account]

All I can say is good luck the courts are all broken, and Child Support is no better. My Ex is ordered to pay they take it from his check and they not once have sent what the court ordered. I have just about given up. I am tired of spending money on lawyers and time in court for the courts to do NOTHING. I have sole custody of my children with no vistition do to abuse. I sole support my 3 children alone living check to check because he thinks he can pay when ever and what ever he wants. The truth is he can because no one cares or does anything. The jails are all to full and the economy sucks so the thruth be told you are on your own.. Sorry for the truth. this is how I see it and have dealing with it.

Gina - posted on 02/23/2009

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I completely understand what you are going through and I am sure that there are plenty more of us going through the same. The only advice I can give you is to be strong and know that your children will grow up knowing that mommy made sure that I didn't go without no matter what and that she did it alone. You will be rewarded with the love of your children. I know its hard, but the system is very screwed up and can be totally unfair. They have a process and they don't understand that we didn't make these children on our own. Good Luck with everything!

Maria - posted on 02/23/2009

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hi my name is maria and im going thru the same thing as you, my ex doesnt help out i have 2 teenagers my new husband is supporting them but is not his responsibility is my ex responsibility to do that i been thru courts and hes been getting his way.. is a matter a fact now they both live with because the looser kick them both out of the house..i hope that we can figuered out a way to get child support..

Giselle - posted on 02/20/2009

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Quoting Geneviève:

We shoud start a group called: Fathers for life, helping them help our children


I couldn't agree with you more. And although it seems you have acheived what I haven't been able to, I still feel that it is possible to improove communication so long as you both agree to put your child or children first. I have had a really hard time collecting Child Support, but it seems that finally, things have turned out for the better. I fought tooth and nail in the courts, educated myself, and learned to accept whatever additudes he brings to the table regarding our child, even if I have to step back and keep us focused on her. Garnishing wages and leaving things in control of the Child Support Enforcement Agency was the best thing I ever did. Not only do we not need to even discuss money, but any changes in wages for either party are recalculated, I get a payment on top of monthly support for past arrears that have built up. They go by a percentage of income based on your income statement here in Hawaii and I think it's very fair, and have no complaints. Yes, i could be recieving more in other states, but it's not worth the anguish and time spend away from working with my child and helping her better understand her father and all the complicated things that go with their personal situation. Know your rights, know your priorites, let go of anger, and focus on how tings can be better. And most all know yourself, how you communicate and how improove your communication. It's easy to get defensive when it comes to your children, but that often comes across very differently than you may intend.

Giselle - posted on 02/20/2009

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Quoting Geneviève:

We shoud start a group called: Fathers for life, helping them help our children


I couldn't agree with you more. And although it seems you have acheived what I haven't been able to, I still feel that it is possible to improove communication so long as you both agree to put your child or children first. I have had a really hard time collecting Child Support, but it seems that finally, things have turned out for the better. I fought tooth and nail in the courts, educated myself, and learned to accept whatever additudes he brings to the table regarding our child, even if I have to step back and keep us focused on her. Garnishing wages and leaving things in control of the Child Support Enforcement Agency was the best thing I ever did. Not only do we not need to even discuss money, but any changes in wages for either party are recalculated, I get a payment on top of monthly support for past arrears that have built up. They go by a percentage of income based on your income statement here in Hawaii and I think it's very fair, and have no complaints. Yes, i could be recieving more in other states, but it's not worth the anguish and time spend away from working with my child and helping her better understand her father and all the complicated things that go with their personal situation. Know your rights, know your priorites, let go of anger, and focus on how tings can be better. And most all know yourself, how you communicate and how improove your communication. It's easy to get defensive when it comes to your children, but that often comes across very differently than you may intend.

Giselle - posted on 02/20/2009

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Quoting Geneviève:

We shoud start a group called: Fathers for life, helping them help our children


I couldn't agree with you more. And although it seems you have acheived what I haven't been able to, I still feel that it is possible to improove communication so long as you both agree to put your child or children first. I have had a really hard time collecting Child Support, but it seems that finally, things have turned out for the better. I fought tooth and nail in the courts, educated myself, and learned to accept whatever additudes he brings to the table regarding our child, even if I have to step back and keep us focused on her. Garnishing wages and leaving things in control of the Child Support Enforcement Agency was the best thing I ever did. Not only do we not need to even discuss money, but any changes in wages for either party are recalculated, I get a payment on top of monthly support for past arrears that have built up. They go by a percentage of income based on your income statement here in Hawaii and I think it's very fair, and have no complaints. Yes, i could be recieving more in other states, but it's not worth the anguish and time spend away from working with my child and helping her better understand her father and all the complicated things that go with their personal situation. Know your rights, know your priorites, let go of anger, and focus on how tings can be better. And most all know yourself, how you communicate and how improove your communication. It's easy to get defensive when it comes to your children, but that often comes across very differently than you may intend.

MK - posted on 02/10/2009

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It depends on the state you're in I suppose but in Connecticut for example, Family Services has something set up where they can attatch the pay of the parent who is required to pay child support...if there is a court order in place. If they are not paying, this agency brings the parent in breach to court to make sure some sort of payment is provided for the child.




Regardless of the emotions involved, each parent brought the child into the world and should support them. Hopefully if one isn't the government has something set up for the other one to help with their children.

Michelle - posted on 02/08/2009

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The laws totally suck I have been without childsupport for over 2yrs and my payments are or should I say were substantial I am in a new relationship of 2 yrs and my new partner totally financially supports my 2 x daughters we also have a little boy together.It puts undue stress on our relationship and is so frustrating that my ex took a part in bringing the girls into this world yet gets to get away with not paying and pics and chooses when he wants to see them(havn't seen or heard from him in over 12mths).Childsupport suck they just fob you off each time you ring or make excuses for the other party.My Arrears are $11000.00 I AM SO FRUSTRATED ASWELL..HELP!!!!

Christine - posted on 01/30/2009

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We have the same problems out here in Canada.  I have been fighting for 5 years for a measly $100.00 a month.  The courts just don't really seem to care too much out here.  Right now I am trying to get all the back pay, but I am not getting verry far.

Christine - posted on 01/27/2009

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I have recently decided that a divorce is inevitable with my husband and will be starting the whole process soon. If there is anything that I can do to help you, i.e. write a letter, sign a petition, please let me know! I have seen many, many mothers go through hell with not getting child support and yet the fathers or sperm donors (as many call them) think that they can have every right and opportunity with the child or children. Please let me know what I can do to help. I am sure I will be in your shoes soon... my soon to ex is not a responsible man and once we aren't in the same house, I know his money will be "his" money.

Sophie - posted on 01/27/2009

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Just to let you all know it happens in the UK too. My ex has never paid a penny and 2 years on it's going through the Child Support Agency still....and still there is no money. I don't get to choose when I pay for things my daughter needs so why should he. The annoying thing is he shows up once a fortnight and is always wearing something new. Last time it was a new car! I am on Benefits and rarely have enough money for anything for myself....So you are not on your own....the deadbeat dad thing is just as common across the pond!

Jaime - posted on 01/19/2009

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I am most definitely interested. My ex was ordered to pay child support in 2006, and I have not see a dime of the money yet. He is now up to owing more that 25,000. I could be putting that money away for their future. Instead I am living pay check to pay check just survive. I now have moved from the state where the order was originally made, but they should still make sure it is payed.

Jennie - posted on 01/13/2009

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oh wow.. what a trip this has been for you too..they are so selfish in their own "wants/needs" they dont care about anyone or anything beyond that..



in illinois, they say that they will take their drivers license and if they hold a "professional" license, those get suspended too if they fail to pay support.. what about the one's who dont hold a 'professional' license.. i'm not sure if all of that is true but that's what the "new laws" are suppose to be for that area..



i'm sure the judges get tired of seeing child support cases day in and out but they for one day, need to put theirselves in our shoes as a mother/parent.. i keep hoping for a single mom judge who has a jerk off ex to be on my side just one time! maybe justice would be served then instead of threats "next time i see you" kinda crap..



good luck at court and let me know how it goes.. hopefully he will get what he deserves and you and your kids get yours!!

Jessica - posted on 01/13/2009

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I also use to give in to my ex. I always tried to make it easier on him, but I really just screwed myself in the long run. I live in New York and to be honest with you, I'm starting to believe that the system just doesn't give a crap anymore.



My ex and I are not on speaking terms. He never calls and never sees the kids. It's probably been about 6 months since he has seen them. And, the only way he would see them was if I let the kids go to his sister's house for the night. I remained on very good terms with his sister and my kids would spend time with her and her kids. He never wanted to drive the hour it would take him, to pick up the kids. He would get on the phone with my daughter and tell her that it's mommy's fault that he can't see them because I take all of his money and won't drive them to see him...blah, blah, blah!!! I refuse to let him fill her head with that crap!



I don't tell him when court is coming because he doesn't care. We a court date back in December. He hasn't called his kids in 6 months, but he calls me 5 times the day before court. I didn't answer, so he left a message saying how he's not going to court because he is on an important job and he can't miss work. He is not going lose his job to go to court, blah, blah, blah! I saved the message. I go to court the next day and the judge proceeds to tell me that his employer faxed a letter asking for an adjournment because he was on an emergency job and he had to be there. I told the judge about the phone call I got the day before and she didn't want to hear it. So, now I have to wait until the new court date before I can figure anything out. I'm guessing that he probably won't show up and he will have some kind of excuse.



And what my ex does is he starts paying again when he knows court is coming, so that when we go in, he looks good. The court doesn't seem to care that for the months before that, he didn't pay a dime. This is why he owes almost $10,000!!! But it's okay for his kids to suffer???? I don't get it!

Jennie - posted on 01/13/2009

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thank you very much for your kind words~!!

oh wow.. i didn't know about consequences for the arrears judgement.. we went through that too last time we went to court.. he paid for a little while then changed jobs and did not report it to the court house.. i wonder what will happen when we go back again..



where you from? the laws are so different everywhere.. i live in indiana but have to go to court in illinois.. he's now saying that this is all my fault cause i moved out of the state (10 years ago).. i was told that the laws in illinois are "cracking down".. whatever that means.. i hope something happens.. i told my lawyer that i wanted to make him pay my attorney fees.. i'm afraid he's not going too and i'll be stuck with it anyway.. more money going out and still nothing coming in.. i'm sick of it!

have you talked to him about the court date? just curious what he has to say about it.. i haven't told my ex the plans yet.. will wait til the date gets closer.. i'm afraid he'll do something stupid like quit his job or something... he's done that in past and tells me "you are going to make me loose my job having my wages garnished".. like i give a crap.. KARMA!!

i get so worked up talking about this stuff.. i need to read this a couple of hours before i go to court so i can get my blood pressure boiling and quit giving into him so easily.. i kept telling him that i didn't want the deductions to be so much that he can't afford to live and that i dont want to have to do this to him but he leaves me no choice.. how stupid am i.. i fall into his little naive cracks everytime.. no more.. i'm done!

Jessica - posted on 01/13/2009

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Sounds like you have a great family!! It's a shame that she doesn't want anything to do with her own child. I don't understand how anyone who brings a child into this world can just turn around and walk away like that child isn't even there!!! There are many people in this world that should not have the right to reproduce!!



I'm going to court again in about 2 weeks and IF he decides to show up, we shall see what happens. I've been told I can ask for an "arrears judgement". Which basically means that the judge will order him to pay a certain amount of the arrears within a certain amount of time or there will be a consequence waiting for him. Hopefully that could be jail time for him. At this point I think that might be the only thing that MIGHT make him wake up and take some responsibility for his kids.

Jennie - posted on 01/13/2009

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wow jessica.. sounds like we are in the same sinking boat when it comes to the dead beat dad saga... i'm not really sure what we can do about it but if you find something, please let me know, i am more than willing to do whatever we can to make these men help.. we sure didn't get pregnant alone...how old are your kids now? mine is 18 (a senior in high school) and we raise my great nephew who's 6.. his mom is my niece who thinks she has the world right where she wants it.. has her coach purse, name brand clothing while my husband and i raise her son with no help from her.. i ask for help she says "give me visitation".. she left him when he was 4 months old and has not had him since.. she now tells me that she "can't handle it" but wants visitation.. no way! we love him to death, he's a part of our family, he's our child but it's aggravating that she is free to spend how she wishes with no concern for him.. we have guardianship of him but she won't sign over full custody.. i keep telling her that if she would do that, i wouldn't ask her for anything and we will be free and clear but she won't.. i'm not sure how she can lay her head down at night and sleep with a clear mind.. we've had him since he was 11 months old.. so i have the dead beat dad and mom on this end.. so frustrating!!

Geneviève - posted on 01/12/2009

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Just to say every situation is different. Sometimes the "proper" role model has to be another man...





I am lucky because my country has very severe laws for that (they have a right to go right in my bank account if I dont pay....) AND Daycare is partly paid for by government. And Hospitals are free, and medications are partly payed for. AND I pay a lot of taxes lol Seriously, they figured it costs less to help with daycare (and it teaches the children about the good of working for a living) compared to keeping the mom on welfare).



The government pays a lot of lawyers a lot of good money in order to get the "seize an account" court order, I just wish they would spend more money on education for the men as well as for the future mothers.



There is no perfect law and unfortunately some people just go around them to get what they want with no regards to others.



Gen

Jessica - posted on 01/12/2009

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I totally see your point, if the father has done right by the children. My problem is that my ex-husband, from day one, swore that he would pay to support the kids(we have 2. He left and said he would still help pay all the bills because he knew I could not do it alone at that time.



Within the first month of him leaving, I found out that the reason he left was because he was having an affair. The minute I confronted him with that, everything changed. I became the crazy ex-wife and it was like he was out to make me miserable. I immediatly went to court for support and custody. He never even tried to fight for custody, claiming he had to work too much. He only asked for every other weekend, Saturday to Sunday, and every Wednesday after work for 2 hours. The Wednesday thing never happened and the weekends were good for a while. He was also ordered to keep his girlfriend away from the kids and he never did that either. Everything was about him, it always had to be his way. I admit, I wanted him back for a long time, so I probably kept the door open too long.



Over time, things just got worse. He started not paying support, mostly because he would work off the books, so he didn't have to pay, now does that seem fair??? I busted my butt to take care of our kids, one of which is special needs. My kids and I were eventually evicted from our home because I could not afford to pay the bills without getting child support from him.



I had a job that I loved and I probably would have been there forever if I didn't have to move so far away. I was lucky enough to meet the man of my dreams, who took me and my kids in when we were evicted. I kept my job for 8 months and traveled about 120 miles a day to and from work, and that's when gas was $4 a gallon!! My ex also stopped paying his court ordered share of daycare expenses, so I had to pay for everything. He also was ordered to keep health insurance for the kids through his employer and he let that go as well. For 2 years in a row my kids went for 6 months each year with no medical insurance.



I was forced to leave my job, it didn't make sense for me to keep working there, I was pretty much making no money. Because I can't afford all of my household bills on top of child care by myself, I have been unemployed for the past 7 months. As we all know, it is not easy to find affordable daycare.



And, yes, I do blame my ex-husband for most of these unfortunate circumstances that my children and I have been forced to deal with. If he had just been the father he should have been, we wouldn't be struggling so badly. I have absolutly no sympathy when I hear that my ex is complaing that he has no money. Yet, he drives around in a big fancy brand new truck that costs him probably about $1,000 a month with insurance. So, am I suppose to feel for him, I don't think so. Am I suppose to be the bigger person and let him slide on paying, I don't think so. If he wasn't going out all the time eating, drinking, etc., maybe he could afford the children that he helped bring into this world.



There are so many men out there just like him and those are the men that need to be taught a lesson, not just to be spiteful, but to make them realize that life is not about what us adults want, it's about what our children need. I'm tired of sitting back and getting no where with no help from the system. I think that if the system were tougher on parents like this, we wouldn't have these problems. I also think this a big reason that so many parents have to turn to the state for help with things like medical coverage, public assistance, etc.



It's time we took a stand for the sake of our children!!!!

Jennie - posted on 01/12/2009

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i agree genevieve..i wish there was a way to make someone care but i'm not sure if that's possible..

my ex husband was a lousy husband but a wonderful father until about 2-3 years ago.. (when my son really needed him. our son was 15).. i'm not sure what happened to him.. we use to be more than civil to each other, he would come to our home and stay the night (we have a full finished basement) with our son due to the long commute, we had a great verbal communication then all of a sudden, life as i knew it for my son and his dad died.. he never did help with any of the bills, insurance, but i never held that against him and never voiced my concerns in front of my child... i use to be able to call him whenever coty needed something "big" and i needed funding to help and he was on it.. i haven't talked to him in over 2 yrs and i called him to help with getting coty a year book this year.. i'm paying for all his graduating (high school) items, open house, end of year trip, etc and so i figured at least he could help with that and left a message asking him to please call me back.. a couple of months went by and nothing.. so i text him asking to please help me and that i felt that brian (my husband) has done more than his fare share to raise coty that he needed to step up and help.. he called our son and was really hateful with him asking "how much is it, what does your mom want".. i about fell out of my chair, mad on one side and about to cry on the other.. i'm so hurt that he is putting our son through all of this.. he doesn't call, no birthday cards, no christmas cards, no calls hey how ya doing anymore..

i'm so mad at him, i'm tired of being nice, i'm tired of going out of my way to try to make him be a dad and responsible. i don't understand why he has to be this way but he has made that choice.. i've tried to talk to him, and he promises the world but never follows through.. what do i do?

Geneviève - posted on 01/12/2009

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I am against the "all women against men" attitude. I am sure ALL PARENTS should povide for the children they put in the world. I just think we should spend more time and money educating young men and showing them how to be good fathers. All the dead beat dads had moms that could have showed them pride and responsability instead of pointing out how men are bad in front of them.



Saying men are irresponsable does not help men change for the better.



When me and my ex broke up, he did not use the methods I liked, he did not have a room for my daughter and it was not the best for her. I talked with him and helped him get confidence in his daddy skills. He mooved into is mother's house for a while (Had help and a more proper environnement). Had I yelled and told him he was no good... do you think my daughter would be better off? He would have taken offence and would have blocked me out of his life. (No one likes to keep in contact with people that do not respect them)



By going in a direct confrontation with the dad, you push him away from the children. He looses confidence and just says, they are better off without me. If he is slightly irresponsable it is not a long leap from that taught to : I dont see them, I dont pay for them (which is not a proper way things, i know)



Why: all women against men? Why not: all women for better fathers?



I do not want to put my nose in your buissness but should he want to spend more time with his children, would he be able to pay for a bigger living space? (If all is free money goes to you, he cannot even think of that.



I know a guy that wanted to take care of his children (not just provide them with food and lodging...) he couldn't pay for a bigger appartment (so his children would have rooms according to the welfare's codes) It is a vicious circle. He lived in a bachelor so he could pay full child support to his ex (he had 3 children). He would have liked to have them on weekends or even more but could not.



If I have to choose between my daughter having a father that loves her and takes interest in her life and a father that does not pay child support. I choose my daughter's happyness. I chose to pay child support so my daughter could be raised by BOTH her parents.



I could have kept custody and asked him to pay me child support.



We do not "own" children, they are not ours. We are there to teach them to be responsable adults. To be the best they can be. Father can do that too. They do it in a different way, we have to accept the difference for the sake of the children.



If they were good husbands (no drinking, drugs, severe and uncontrolled mental illnesses) why would they not want to be fathers for life.







We shoud start a group called: Fathers for life, helping them help our childen

Jennie - posted on 01/12/2009

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i've been dealing with this for years! i end up spending more on lawyers to take him back to court again and they never do anything about it... my son is now 18 (still in high school and now is planning college) and i'm sure his dad thinks that he is "off the hook" but he's in for a big surprise! hopefully by march (cause i have to wait to pay my retainer fee) he will get his.. he's 10,000 (as of last october) behind which i'm sure others are more than that but he should be made to pay.. he has never carried health insurance, never paid a dr/dentist/eye dr bill.. ... i'm all for helping in getting something done with these dead beats.. !!!!

Geneviève - posted on 01/11/2009

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We need to make it harder for people who do not take responsability. I have joint custody (50% with me and 50% with dad) when we separeted I herned more money. I proudly pay HIM child support. We have very severe laws in canada. When I had trouble with money and couldn't pay (I remind you that I still pay for the things she need when she is with me...) they took it directly from my bank account. It is good because I know some people just do not care about paying. But you have to understand that in some cases it can be unfair. When they took the money from my bank account... my daughter's father had to pay for my groceries so my daughter could eat. I think it is unfair to not have the dad help you but I am wondering where to draw the line? I have a differant vew because I am a women and I pay child support. I was not bad when i didn't pay, I just couldn't provide for my family and pay at the same time. Maybe there is a way to be severe without problems but in my experience there is always someone with a problem that does not "fit" in the laws, we need to be careful when we make a judicial precedent.

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