Dead Beat Dad...

Shanna - posted on 12/02/2009 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I've remarried recently to a very loving man, and my 7 year old daughter loves him dearly. Her father...whom doesn't call, except on holidays only to tell her how much he misses her, and who do you love the most, will not pay child support, and never has. He has constantly made empty promises to both she and I and was very abusive. My daughter seems to be settling on tantrums, and outbursts of anger, as she is now expressing herself to me in a very healthy way. When her father calls, using her as a pawn to attempt to disrupt our sane lifestyles, I feel it only tortures her because she cries and becomes confused. I'm very confused myself as I don't think he has any right to see her until he sobers up, keeps a job, and provides a safe home for her to visit him in, and child support would be nice too. She "hates" me for this. Should I let them talk on the phone anymore, or just accept that her anger is displaced on me because that is what Mom's are suppose to take? He has hurt us too much, and I don't want either of us to be hurt anymore! Ideas?

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Megan - posted on 12/05/2009

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when i was 2 my parents got divorced and my father did the same thing. mom married my dad (my step dad) and he raised me like his own. my father however paid child support and had visitation everyother weekend. he never came. he would call and tell me it was mom or dads fault he couldnt come get me. i would tell my mom and dad i hated them and wish they were dead so i could go live with my father. and i meant it, it hurt me very very badly.& was to the point i would get physically sick everytime he told me how much he loved me but couldnt come get me. mom took it, what else could she do?

nowadays there are more options for single custodial parents who have an unfit ex. if you go to court and provide evidence that she isnt safe with him, there is court ordered supervised visits. this way she'll be safe at all times. he will have to pay to see her. if you cant do this right now, then on the weekends he is supposed to have her, (if he has a habit of not coming to get her) have a cop present at the time he is to pick her up. tell them he was abusive or whatever the case. this way you have legal documentation that he isnt coming around. yes you still do have to let her go with him if he does pick her up. but if mostly wont come get her, you will hasve proof and can take it to court.

Angela - posted on 12/05/2009

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My husband Joseph and I have been married for 2 years, but have been together for over 7 years, I am going through that myself, my husband and I have had a very rocky relationship from the start, I have found out about other wives, he has physically, verbally and mentally abused me alos, drug issues he has, he wont keep a job and his 5 children, he put me and our daughter out in april of this year after I paid the rent for the month, he now has obtained a place with his new 22 year old live in mistress and her 2 kids, he hasn't been a major part of our daughters life also, I am currently taking him 2 court for non-compliance of child support so now he has in turn taken me to court for non-compliance of visitation, even though he has made no attempts to be with her or no support, now that we have court in a couple of days, now he wants to be in her life with the mistress(whom he lies and tells every1 that she's his roomate) only to cause confusion and drama, but by law you can not keep her away from her father or you can be jailed, that's if you guys have joint legal and physical custody, but if not, than no worries. My husband and his mistress are trying to make it seem like it's my fault he isn't being a productive part of her life. So I know exactly what you mean. The only idea I have for you is to lay gudelines on the conversation, things that you know may trigger negative reactions, than the convo will be terminated. That's the only advise I have for the moment, unless you just let him write her.

MarthaLynn - posted on 12/02/2009

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I would tell him that unless he limits his conversation to non-provoking criteria, he can forget about talking to his kid! My ex only calls maybe once every 2 months (IF that) but I know he's not going to start anything out of the ordinary with my 5-yr-old, so I don't mind letting her talk to him. We don't talk much about him any other time, and she is completely attached to my husband. So much so that I think it hurts his feeling when my ex calls and my lil girl calls him Daddy. She pretty confused right now, too. Your girl may be old enough for you to just shoot straight with her. Try laying the facts on the line and see how she takes it.

MarthaLynn - posted on 12/02/2009

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I would tell him that unless he limits his conversation to non-provoking criteria, he can forget about talking to his kid! My ex only calls maybe once every 2 months (IF that) but I know he's not going to start anything out of the ordinary with my 5-yr-old, so I don't mind letting her talk to him. We don't talk much about him any other time, and she is completely attached to my husband. So much so that I think it hurts his feeling when my ex calls and my lil girl calls him Daddy. She pretty confused right now, too. Your girl may be old enough for you to just shoot straight with her. Try laying the facts on the line and see how she takes it.

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