40 yr old College Mom of College Student-Empty Nest too YIKES!!!

Dawn - posted on 10/28/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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My daughter is a Sophomore in college now. It was so hard on me when she left home (8 hrs away) from home. It was like she'd died or something. I went through major depression, crying everyday, sleeping all the time, it was awful!!! Recently, decided that something HAD to change and I had to be the one to do it! I have a loving hubby who's been so supportive, although he's been deployed (double whammy on the empty nest, I've been completely ALONE!) So, I decided to change my industry from Real Estate to the Medical field and enrolled in college too. Meanwhile, the daughter is getting a "free" ride on Daddy's Post 9-11 G-I Bill and getting mediocre grades and I'm working my butt off getting A's and having student loans! I'm kind of frustrated about THAT!!! Also, she's 18, and is a good kid overall but thinks she knows everything! She only wants my help and advice on HER terms. Anytime I "mother" her, she tells me that I should just be her friend and not her mother... I'm always going to be her Mother! This is really starting to hurt my feelings! I've told her directly that I'll never stop being her Mother but she doesn't seem to get that. Suggestions?

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Denikka - posted on 10/28/2012

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That's exactly right. It's not easy, but you WILL make it :) Best of luck :)

Dawn - posted on 10/28/2012

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It's not that I'm being overbearing, I understand that she's not a child anymore but she IS asking for my advice but then turns around and says she doesn't want it. It's like she only wants me on her terms. My role isn't as defined as it used to be. She's just trying to stand on her own two feet I guess but still reaching up to see if her parents are nearby when SHE needs us. It's just not easy transititioning into this new role for either of us. We'll make it!

Denikka - posted on 10/28/2012

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As much as you may not want to hear it, I think it's time to be letting go of your daughter. She's now an adult and on her own. How would you feel, at your age, if your mom showed up and started telling you what to do and how to do it? I'm betting you might feel a bit resentful that she was butting into your life.

That's how your daughter is feeling. She's living her own life now and doesn't need unsolicited advice. She doesn't need a *mother* on the same terms she used to, aka when she was younger and still living at home. It's a completely new kind of relationship, and you're going to have to get used to being on equal footing with your now adult daughter. It's no longer a parent-child relationship, you're now equals.

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