Hate this situation!

Joanne - posted on 01/15/2011 ( 18 moms have responded )

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I'm a working mum of a 14 month old boy. On my way in to work each day, I drop my live in maid and my son at my in laws. My MIL mostly supervises while my maid does the changing, bathing, feeding, playing etc. Since he's with my maid most of the time, when he falls or has his toys taken by his cousin (rivalry), he cries and goes off to find my maid. And sometimes, when my maid goes to the washroom or kitchen, he holds out his arms for her and cries even when I'm carrying him. This totally bugs me. I know I need my maid especially since I can't NOT work and my close-to-70-yr-old MIL can't be expected to run after my son who right now, loves nothing more than to walk & run. I just hate that he wants her more! Am I being a nutcase about this?



Then comes to my 2nd problem. The other day, my boy was carrying the TV remote while walking (its like he needs to carry something while he walks. Empty handed is just not an option for him and he favours the remote). So anyway, he carried the remote control and while walking, accidentally drops it on the ground. Apparently, my FIL got up, smacked my son's hands repeatedly and yelled at him. Then, because my boy got stunned at the situation, he yelled back at his grandfather who then smacked his legs, buttocks and legs and starting scolding. My maid had to grab my son and run and in the process, got a few smacks herself. She says that the smacks were kind of hard By the time I arrived after work, my boy had calmed down (after crying inconsolably) but I definitely could see he was afraid of his grandfather. My maid didn't tell me about this till after we got home. First off, I think it's totally wrong that ANYONE should lay a hand on my son and that disciplining should be a parent's job and I'm really miffed at my FIL. At the same time, if I'm not there at the time, how can I discipline after the fact? Any advice??

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Carol - posted on 01/24/2011

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OK, first, if you really want to take your baby to your in-laws, then talk to them about putting things away so that baby can't reach them, and talk to them about how you want your baby disciplined. I don't see how you could make a toddler understand or remember something that happenend hours ago. you have to act in the moment to be able to discipline. My girls likes the remote, when I missplace it, she grabs it, then I say "No, that is not a toy" and I give her something instead. She has a little phone with buttons that light and it has music and noises, I usually substitute this toy for the remote or phone.
Second, you say you do not trust your made, but if it becomes a headache to deal with the grandparents, then find a nanny that is trained or ask your made to take at least the First Aid and CPR, this will be something good for her as well. In your situation I would prefer the baby to stay at home. It will save me time in the mornig and it will be less prep. I am also a mother that needs to work.

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Melissa - posted on 01/29/2011

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Can you hire a nanny instead of a maid? If not, the only option I think would be to speak to your in-laws about discipline and your preference for no smacking. If they are hard to speak to then I would suggest looking at some other form of childcare as your child's safety is the no one priority. Good luck!

Abbey - posted on 01/28/2011

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Oh and i don't think it would be necessary to start a 'conversation' with your FIL, put him right and tell him what u want and don't want.

Abbey - posted on 01/28/2011

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I'm a lil confused. You say everyday when u go into work you DROP OFF your live in maid and your son at your in laws. From what you've said it seems that your maid is perfectly capable of looking after your son (I understand that the situation must be hard) I don't see why you can't leave them both at your own home?
And in my personal experience it is never ok to hit a child! They are completely innocent human beings whoi are still learning, what your FIL did was utterly wrong and the situation needs to be addressed, sooner rather than later. It dios sound as though it was uncontrollable anger but look at it this way, another smack in wrong place cause lead to something serious, it happens every single day.! Your son may want the maid when he falls or trips etc but he needs you now, not the maid. fix the problem!

Abbey (sorry if it's very blunt but it needs to be said)

Samantha - posted on 01/26/2011

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Maybe you should start the convo with your FIL about the incident by saying something like... "I heard about something that happened the other day.........my maid was concerned you were going overboard..... she was hit in the process.... " and basically lead it to something saying you would rather him not discipline you child physically, especially since it was to a point where an outsider (the maid) felt the need to interviene for the childs safety, and while she might have been overreacting (because I am sure that will be the arguement here) that you were so caught up in the "anger?" he was unable to stop even when the child had been removed to the point where he hit the person removing the child.

I am not really even someone who is against spanking. I think it should be used as a last resort, even though understandibly it tends to be used more out of desperation..but I think where my problem lays in this situation is its one thing to have different disciplineing (sp?) techniques, but to be unable to stop at a point where even the maid got hit makes me worry about the rationality behind the acutal "spanking". Just sounds a little .. i dont know, uncontrolled. And thats the part that I find scary for you. Maybe if at first you bring up that it seemed uncontrolled, he might be able to understand that since she got swatted too, then maybe you could add in how you would really rather him not discipline physically period since its not your preference and to give you piece of mind that his discipline will be more controlled for your child (and maids!) saftey. If he still argues tell him you cant afford to replace the maid you have and you'd rather her not quit on you for getting swat at too!

Mary - posted on 01/25/2011

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Tough situation!!!!! I understand your need to work or the fact that you have to work. Maybe you can encourage your nanny to reinforce the bond between mother and baby. When he falls or does any of the things suggested, perhaps have your nanny say to him, "now is the time when you need your mommy." Then she can hand him off to you and leave the room. Spend as much time with your little one as much as you can within your working constraints. Hang in there.

Ann Marie - posted on 01/25/2011

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Incidentally - my great-grandmother had Alzheimer's, and we caught her one time trying to hit our baby daughter (who was playing on the floor) with her CANE because she was making a mess. When people get old and start to get dementia, sometimes they completely lose their inhibitions.

My great-grandmother passed away that same year, but we never left her alone with the baby again after that.

Ann Marie - posted on 01/25/2011

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We have a live-in au pair as well, and my younger daughter sometimes seems to prefer her to me. She's definitely attached to me, too, though, so I don't worry about it too much. She seems to run to the au pair at playtime and to me when she needs something, haha. I get mommy guilt when she runs to the au pair, but that is actually easier on my emotions than my other daughter (3 yo), who always cries when I leave and is even rude to other people when I'm around ("go away", "no no I don't want ").

As for your FIL, I would have a serious talk with him and tell him that he's not allowed to hit/spank your baby, ever. If he does it again, you should find another childcare arrangment, because that would mean he can't control himself. Physical abuse is just a step away if he can't control his anger.

Lindsay - posted on 01/24/2011

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That made me sick to think of someone hitting a 14 month old BABY.. my daughter is 14 months and I couldn't imagine... I'd be fighting someone for sure and I'd trust your maid over your in laws for sure, she is the one who protected your son!!

Stephanie - posted on 01/21/2011

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Hi Joanne,
Ugh the situations we encounter when we become parents! I know exactly what you mean! I have an almost 14 month old son too and I can totally relate to your first problem.... This happens with my Mom & I.. When my Mom is around, Alexander wants her more than me. At first I was sad by this but then realized that my Mom has helped us out quite a bit and that there is no need for me to be sad as he loves me too! But, sometimes I do feel sad but I am trying to deal with it.

As for the 2nd problem. I agree with what someone else posted. There shouldn't have been discipline like that especially! Your FIL should have said "No" to your son the very second he reached for the remote or even split seconds before he had his hands on it. When your little one had it in his hand and was walking with it since nobody said anything he thought he was doing no harm... It's a tough one...but I would talk to your FIL he has to know his place.. Yes your FIL may get upset but he'll get over it eventually and after all this is YOUR & your husband's boy!

[deleted account]

marisa tha was kinda judgemental, no? you might not have meant it to be bu don't think that comment can make any working mom feel any better. Joanne said that she had to work.

Marisa - posted on 01/20/2011

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You need to spend time with your son specially that he is growing, parents supervision is badly needed!

Jessica - posted on 01/20/2011

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well for one thing grandparents are not for disapline they are to spoil your kids then give them back. also i really dont think he should have been disaplined for having the remote, if your fil didnt want him haveing the remote he should have kept it out of reach. and as with him wanting the maid instead of you you could make sure you spend all the time you can with him.

Johanna - posted on 01/19/2011

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Well good luck! Maybe it won't happen again. We can hope :)
I understand about wanting to monitor your childcare. It is so hard to know who to trust with you baby!! Hope things work out well for you!

Joanne - posted on 01/19/2011

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Thanks for your advice. The reason why I don't leave my son alone at home all day with my maid is because she's not a professional nanny...and she really doesn't specialise in childcare. She's "trained" to take care of housework mostly but because I've taught her to take care of my boy when I was under confinement for 3 months, she has picked up quite a bit. That and also for safety reasons. There are loads of news on maid abusing kids here so I really rather prefer someone I trust to supervise them. Anyway, it really does help to have an extra pair of hands/eyes especially now that my boy is walking and running. I just think that a child should only be disciplined by their parents only which I know will be difficult because if I'm not there when he does wrong, I won't be able to discipline him after the fact since he won't be able to relate punishment to action. My husband thinks that since my FIL is quite elderly (72 this year), he gets frustrated when he forgets things or can't do things the way he would like to so he gets mad at small things. So I think if I talk to him, he may get REALLY upset!



As for my other situation, yea, it does make sense and I know that...it just sucks! But you're right...I need to deal with it! :P

Johanna - posted on 01/18/2011

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I agree with Katherine; my first thought was to wonder if you could leave your son and the nanny at home and visit the in laws when you are there so that you can monitor disipline. If that's not an option, I guess you have to have a serious talk with your FIL about how you disipline and how you expect others to.
As for the other, I understand that feeling. My daughter sometimes prefers my sister (who provides childcare). It hurts but it makes sense and I knew she does love me to. I wish I could be the one there, but that's not possible so I have to deal :(

[deleted account]

Your situation does sound pretty dire (the 2nd one, anyway). For the first, I think it's natural your son is seeking out the person who cares for him most of the time. You're not being a nutcase, because it's hurtful but of course, your son doesn't realize what he's doing :-). It seems the thing would be that once you get home, you do everything for and with your son, so that he begins to distinguish.

For your in-laws, do you have to drop your son and your nanny there? Can they not stay at your place all day and maybe you can go for a visit on the weekends or holidays? That way, if you are there, you can control what kind of discipline others give him (if any). Or you could try speaking to your FIL, but from the little bit that you shared, I wonder if he would get what you're saying.

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