Does it make me a bad person?

Allie - posted on 02/24/2010 ( 63 moms have responded )

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I REALLY don't want to have my baby's father in the room. We aren't together, he's not helpful, and we fight almost everytime I see him. Honestly, I don't think I'll be comfortable having anyone in the room because I feel like I'll just feel gross and awkward. But I especially know that I don't want him there. Does that make me a terrible person?

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[deleted account]

All I am going to say is that it is your body and your decision! Honestly if I told my husband that I didn't want him in there his feelings would be hurt, but he would understand (he is also my husband and we are still together and already have a child together, so a little different situation than you). His mom has expressed wanting to be in the room when our second child is born being that she was not able to be here for the first...she was on the phone but not in person. I am going to suggest that you have one person in the room with you it doesn't have to be your ex, but you will probably want somebody there that knows you to help encourage you on! I laid down rules for the people in the room that if they were not willing to respect them they could get out.

Jessica - posted on 01/11/2012

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I dont think it make's you a bad person i just think that weather your with or not with the father, he should still see his baby being born. dont take it the wrong way but it's not like he aint seen your ladie bit's before. and if you was the man and your ex or little fling was not going to allow you in the room to see your own child being born how would you feel. that all them midwife's and doctor's and who ever else you have in the room will see your baby before you do. cause i would feel like S**t. sorry to put it bluntly but look at it from his point of view.

Dusty - posted on 01/10/2012

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Absolutely not. If you two aren't together, he has NO right to be there. I'm not saying you shouldn't allow him in the child's life once the child is born, but if you don't feel comfortable with him being in the room while the child is born, then tell him he will have to wait until after the birth. If he doesn't like it, oh freaking well :)

Liz - posted on 01/08/2012

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Not really no its just hormones ect but maybe you should have some one you trust at least with you incase you get scared or something.

Shaz - posted on 01/04/2012

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Absolutely not hunnie it doesnt make you a bad person, all that matters is what you are comfortable with and if having him there will make you feel stressed then it is better he not be there. Maybe give him the option to come and see the baby afterwards. It is always good to have someone you feel comfortable with there just incase as it can be quite a scary process to go it alone. hope this helps and all the best xx

Amber - posted on 12/30/2011

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it does not make you a terrible person at all you have a right to decide who you want in the delivery room with you and if you do not feel comfortable with him in the room then it is your choice! it really needs to be about what you are most comfortable with that will make it the easiest and most enjoyable experience for you!!

Kelly - posted on 12/27/2011

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when i gave birth to my youngest son his dad and i had split up and i told him there and then he wouldnt be there when i gave birth, i was all on my own with just the midwives, so its up to you if you dont want him there you only have to say and the hospital have to respect your choice. you dont need any added stress and it sounds like he would stress you out.

[deleted account]

NO! It does not. You will be in enough stress .. you do NOT need more! ... if you're not together let him see his child asap, but you don't need MORE stress in the delivery room! If you're walking this road 'alone' .. then make your own decisions & live with them .. good or bad! You'll do fine!

Clarissa - posted on 04/01/2010

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No i dont think that makes you a bad person because thats your baby and your decision and like they always say mommas baby and daddys maybe and if you dont like him then he shouldnt be around he might distract you from pushing and what the doctors telling you to do. You might be concentrated on slappin the shit outta him and not on what their tellin you to do and if he's not a help whats his purpose for bein there..to do what stand and look around and he probabley aint gone do nothin but think im glad i aint gotta go through that shit

Sarah - posted on 03/31/2010

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i agree it does not make you a bad person! the hospital will go with whatever you say... no matter what the father wants! they are not going to want you being stressed out during labor... who knows what that might do to your baby! i'm having my husband with me and possibly my mother so she can take pics after the baby is born because my husband is horrible at taking pics! its all up to you! good luck with everything and stand by your decision!

Karyn - posted on 03/30/2010

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no this doesn't make you horrible person you have to feel as comfortable as possible at this time in your life but i would advise you to ask your mum or close friend in with you support is needed with my 1st child i had my husband and mum 2nd child it was only me and my husband my sister didn't make it time for birth trust me once in labour you only want someone there for support no matter who

Thea - posted on 03/30/2010

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sweetie when it comes down to havin that baby your gonna care less who is in that room and its completely your choice, but it helps to have a coach or some sort of support system promise :)

Allie - posted on 03/30/2010

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let him be nearby.. but you do not have to let him anywhere near you! consider letting the nurse take the baby out to him after your child is born.. if he wants to be there then perhaps let him see the baby with nurse/doc supervision.. but not even requiring you see him at all! warn your doc that you do NOT want him there... the most important thing durring the birth is to controll your stress level.. if the farther will make that worse.. tell him he can see his child after... consider asking the doc to let a friend take pics just after teh baby is born so he can see what the baby looks like... having the photos is second to bieng there.. and he can have pics forever.. whether you choose to be in the photos or just your child... if you can have a friend around... send your friend with a nurse and your baby in the first 6 hours or so out to see the daddy. he may have given 1/2 of your baby's dna.. making him the daddy.. but that does not mean you have to see him! you will probly be sleeping by then any how.

Danyella - posted on 03/11/2010

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Nope. If you can't stand to see his face now, imagine how you'll feel going through labor! lol It is YOUR choice to have whoever you want in the room or no one at all. If you have someone in the room, they can just stand by your side & be your support, give you ice chips, put a damp cloth on your head, etc. They don't have to be watching the baby come out! lol

Emilie - posted on 03/11/2010

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Nah, it doesn't make you a bad person. You're the one giving birth; you're the one who should be comfortable. The more stress you have, the more the baby will have. And this is one experience that should be as stress free as possible!

It's your call. I would tell him to wait outside.

Heather Lynn - posted on 03/10/2010

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That's exactly what is going on with me! My baby's father and I aren't together and we fight everytime we talk.I don't want him anywhere near me on delivery day! I don't think that makes me a bad person, it's what I want. But it's your decision! If you aren't comfortable with him being in the room and on top of that you and him don't even get along, then it is probably better that he isn't!

Vicki - posted on 03/10/2010

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It definitely does not!! With everything else that will be going on, you have to make sure that you are comfortable. This is all about you sweetie.

Kerry - posted on 03/10/2010

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no. You need to be in a stress free environment. If having him there is going to make you upset then don't. Just keep an open mind you never know you may be in labor and want him in there.

Ta'LannaMonique - posted on 03/10/2010

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I know exactly how you feel, my baby's father and i broke up while i was pregnat and we fight all the time and go like 3 weeks with out talkin but when we do its always somthing. i dont want him in the delivery room... i dont even really want him at th ebaby shower. its not that it makes u a bad person its about wat makes you comfortable the day u give birth ur gonna be in enough pain you dont need a nother stresser.

Ellen - posted on 03/07/2010

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you should be totally proud of your self right now. you are able to admit and accept that he doesnt need to be there and that you dont want him there. its not a bad thing at all. the most important thing is that all the right docs and nurses are there. the nurses can even be more supportive than actual family sometimes. i made the mistake of having my ex with me when #1 and #2 daughters were born and all it did was piss me off and make things so much worse. now im preggo with #3 and cant wait to share this experience with my new hubby. just remember what ever you choose its going to be youre day so breath deep and push and i know youll get through it. good luck and lots-0-love

Ellen

Angela - posted on 03/07/2010

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You're not terrible at all. Birth is a very emotional experience, and you need people there with you that will support you, not fight with you or make you nervous. (although once you're in the throes of labor, you'll care less what you look like believe me). The point is, its your baby, your delivery, your body. Do it the way you want to do it. He'll have rights to the baby after delivery but until that point she's all yours and if you don't want him there, don't invite him. You can also let the hospital know that he is not welcome in the birthing room even though he is the father, and the nurses will take care of it. The nurses or security that is. Hopefully he will understand and be happy with seeing the baby once its born.

Brooke - posted on 03/07/2010

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omg no!! first off, you're not together, soo it's totally up to you if he is there or not. i had my boyfriend in the room and my best friend..didnt plan on having my best friend there at all, but the baby starting coming soo fast that she didnt have time to leave hahah. i thought it would be gross, and awkward to have her there, but it wasnt. when you're delivering you're not thinking of who is there. you're only focusing on the pushing and your baby about to be born. she did stay at the top of the bed the entire time trying to cool me off with a wash cloth but she still saw everything. and even today i dont feel too awkward about it. all anyone in the room will care about in the end is the perfect baby that was just born!! but it doesnt make u a bad person to not have the baby's father in the room, or anyone else. good luck :)

Keara - posted on 03/06/2010

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No it doesn't make you a terrible person at all... for a very long time men weren't even allowed in the delivery room anyways, so you can just think of it as a traditional birthing style... although i do recommend a sister, close friend or your mom to be there with you at least to hold your hand and reassure you, and they can stay up by your head so they don't have to see anything... but from what i've been told about the whole deal of labour, once its happening you don't really care who's looking at you, you just want the baby out... NOW... lol good luck, no stress and no regrets!! ♥

Megan - posted on 03/05/2010

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I don't think so. It may be his baby, but it's your body. If you don't feel comfortable having him there then that doesn't make you terrible. I honestly feel kinda weird about having my fiance in the room. I don't know why, I'm 1000% comfortable with him it's just going to be weird I think with all those people poking around at me and then he will be there just watching. I say do what ever will make it comfortable and less stressful of a time for you.

Rachel - posted on 03/05/2010

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labor and delivery is a scary thought, and being comfortable is the key to a great delivery. you can do wat ever you want that day and if you dont want anyone then you make it known. make sure to tell the nurse staff and they will make sure no one goes in that room without you agreeing to it. i too dont want anyone in my room except my babies father and my family is fine with that. in fact my mother said that if your uncomfortable then you will have a harder birth...and i agree 100%. and if hes unhelpful then he doesnt deserve a phone call. good luck girlie i hope everything works out for you

Ria - posted on 03/04/2010

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not at all! if its going to ruin your birthing experiance, i think thats something you can be selfish about! dont blame yourself

Serene - posted on 03/04/2010

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OMG!!! I'm going through the same thing with my daughters father. We fight, he's po that my daughter is going to have my last name and not his. He denied her up to now and I don't want him in the room and I am due in 3 months.... Good luck

Char - posted on 03/04/2010

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Your birthing experience should be as comfortable as possible for you. For me it is important to have the people around me that give me comfort and support throughout my pregnancy.



We have chosen not to call anyone other than my sister until I get home. I just recently found out I will be having a c-section so as it stands my husband will be supporting me, but if he gets on my nerves I am sending him to the waiting room and having my sister with me.



You have a couple of options 1) don't tell him when you go into labor, call afterward when you feel like it 2) ban him to the waiting room until after the delivery.



Don't feel bad! We go through alot during this time in our lives drama and anxiety don't need to be added to your birth experience.

[deleted account]

If your not together and you don't want him in there then don't have him in there...especially if he's not helpful!! Have someone in there who will take what your doing seriously and who will want to be there for you and your baby, if Heaven forbid something were to go wrong! He can be at the hospital, but he doesn't have to be in the delivery room. And if he's at the hospital he'll see the baby within a few minutes of birth!

Tania - posted on 03/03/2010

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I wouldn't push him out altogether , its an experience of life time .You too created that little bundle of joy. Comfort should be ur number 1 - is there such a thing when you are in labor - LOL
I would take in someone for support you cant do it on ur own...?

Kimberly - posted on 03/03/2010

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No, it does not! It is strictly your choice who you have in there and your comfort should be your #1 concern! It is not worth having anyone in there you're not comfortable with.

Rachel - posted on 03/03/2010

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not at all! its all up to you. i had my husband and my mother in the room with our first. and with the new baby it will be my husband and most likely his sister (she LOVES babies)

Tania - posted on 03/02/2010

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I think any father whether your together or not has the right to be in the room. After all its his baby as well. He has just as much right as you . When your in so much pain you wouldn't care who was there.But everyone to there own.You mind find he is really helpful ...

Ashley - posted on 03/02/2010

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i am in a similar situation
im not with the father, and his new gf drives me nutts, he thought that she has the right to be in the room with me. he hasnt gone to any drs appt, or shown any interested in my son at all. my bf has been there threw everything and therefore i gave him the spot in the room.

i dont feel dna gives you rights. if you think it would be best for you and the baby then stick with that. if he stresses you out then the baby might get stressed out and complications can happen.

best of luck

Leslee - posted on 03/02/2010

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I did not have my daughter's father in the room! well I let him in during a calm time for me and he ended up talking about the machine for the heartbeat the entire time and blowing up a glove! DROVE ME CRAZY!!! It needs to be calm for you and the baby! That is the one time if any you need to eliminate stress! I will say 9 out of 10 times you won't care about feeling gross or awkward you will be so focused on having your baby! I'm really sorry to hear you guys fight all the time but I completly understand! Sometimes the nurses are really good about getting people out of the room if you let them know he will be a major stress factor! Don't doubt yourself! I wish you and your new baby all the luck...

Sarh - posted on 03/02/2010

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That does NOT make you a horrible person! If you don't want him in the room, then don't let him be in there. That is YOUR day! YOU need to be comfortable. And about the feeling gross and awkward, I thought the same thing, but your so involved in breathing through the contractions and everything, you don't really feel like that. Hope this helps!

Diana - posted on 03/02/2010

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not at all you dont need any stress while trying to deliver your baby he needs to understand and get over it

Tracey - posted on 03/02/2010

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i don't think your a terrible person. its your decision. with my first my mom was there and i yelled at her cuz i was in such pain. i had mild contractions back to back with them doing nothing so i had a c-section and my husband was there. which surprised me cuz i thought it would gross him out. he will be with me for our second. but i have stated i don't want anyone in my room besides him and medical professionals i now live states away from my mother so she won't be able to come but i do live with my in-laws and i think i would be weird. plus i know i would say something i might regret to my mother-in-law. so i have said no. just make sure the hospital knows your wishes so they don't allow him in the room.

Amber - posted on 03/02/2010

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No, at least not in my opinion. I have an awful relationship with my mother who has disowned me at least 5 times in the duration of my life, she is the only person that I could relate to your boyfriend who might be in a delivery room type situation with me, and there is no way that even if she was a part of my life right now that I would feel comfortable with her. I think that you want a SUPPORT staff not someone or for that matter something that made you feel uncomfortable in any way. I don't know what labor is like yet, but I do know that it isn't something people want to do by choice, obviously the end is worth the means but there is so much that goes into it and you need to be in the most healthy and comfortable surroundings and it doesn't sound to me at least that him being there would be conducive to a happy and comfortable experience for you and for at this this moment you are the most important person. I hope you find someone that you can depend on to be with you for this amazing experience, it would be nice to share it with someone that you feel comfortable with and would want to be there with you. Good luck and I hope everything goes well with everything!

Melissa - posted on 03/01/2010

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To be perfectly honest, I didn't care who was in the room when it actually came down to it. Beforehand, I thought I would just want my Mom there, but, with both of my kids, my whole family was in the room and I barely noticed.As far as feeling grossed out or awkward goes, trust me, when you're in that much pain, you don't have any of those feelings. With my second daughter, I had her dad, his mom, his sister, my mom, my aunts, and my first daughter all in the delivery room and the only person that didn't see the baby come out was my oldest Daughter, because she was too young for that part.It makes it a lot easier when you have support.

I don't know the whole story, but before you make a decision, you really need to consider the fact that he'll never have the opportunity to see this child be born again, you only get one chance.

I would consider allowing him to come in just as the baby is coming out, that way you don't have to deal with him during the actual labor process, but he still has a chance to see the baby's birth.

Best of Luck,

Melissa

Oh, and, no you're most certainly not a terrible person!!

Samantha - posted on 03/01/2010

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No! Your not a terrible person at all! If he's not being supportive and your uncomfortable with him being there have him wait outside. Don't let people influence your decision this is a personal and private time I think. My sister's have both volunteered along with acouple friends since my hubby will be deployed but honestly I don't want ANY of them in there with me. Nothing wrong with not wanting him in the room!

Heather - posted on 03/01/2010

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do what makes you comfortable. its difficult delivering and you shouldn't have excess stressers in the room with you. although once you start pushing youre not going to be aware of the people in the room. but then again I didn't use pain meds so I was really focused on getting it over with...

[deleted account]

I say no you are not a terrible person. Seriously, it's fair enough. He doesn't need to be there, he can visit after.

Cassey - posted on 02/28/2010

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Absolutely not!! That time is about you and your baby. So if you are not comfortable with him being there then end of conversation.

Mary Renee - posted on 02/28/2010

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I don't think that makes you a terrible person, especially since you both aren't even together.

But you really should NOT feel gross or awkward! That's something you should change! I'm not sure how far along you are but I'm 32 weeks and taking "Prepared Birth" classes at the hospital where I plan to deliver and it's really great. It's kind of like a mix of Lamaze and Bradley and whatever. Basically they just educate you about everything that's going to happen so you feel comfortable and empowered about the delivery instead of "gross" and "awkward." Remember, it's a natural process and NOBODY would be on this earth if it wasn't for a women in labor like you!

I think you might like to have a close friend or family member in there. Just having one person to support you and be your advocate that knows what you want and what's the best way to help you relax can make all the difference in the world.

I wouldn't give up on having someone in there with you as a coach, but that person doesn't have to be the baby's father if you don't feel comfortable around him. If you don't know that you'd feel comfortable enough with friends or family, I bet ANOTHER expectant mother in your birth classes would be more than happy to be there for you because she understands what you're going through. And you wouldn't have to be uncomfortable because you know the same thing has happened or is going to happen to her.

There's also doulas, but insurance don't cover them and they're a couple hundred dollars so that might not be an option, I know it's not an option for me. But there whole job is just to be there for you when you go in to labor and they see that stuff all the time so again... not gross or awkward.

Good luck, girl!

Emma - posted on 02/27/2010

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No, this does not make you a terrible person. It's your choice who you have in the room with you when you're in labor and give birth. If you want to be alone then that's your choice and nobody can tell you otherwise.

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