I don't know if the father of my children should be involved

Carfaroj1 - posted on 05/29/2016 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I'm going to try and sum this up as best as I can. Currently I am 20 weeks pregnant with twins. I hadn't known the father for very long before it had happened. I live above a bar in which we met playing pool. My room mate at the time had moved out in which I took over the lease. The relationship with the father was still a thrill at this point.. So with last minute notice about my room mate leaving... I needed to find someone who could continue to help pay for half the costs of living (that's right, you guessed it, the boyfriend moved in)-now remember, this is before the pregnancy happened. Terrible decision making on my part. Now I will give you a little background on him... Turns out, he's illegal. He's been here in America for 12 years now... He is originally from Russia... Mother still lives in Russia- also a problem. His father is in the US but currently getting kicked out for reasons I couldn't even explain if I wanted. The relationship was based solely on sex. I was not in love. It was more of a thrill- the accent- the going out and drinking having fun (something I relarely did because I focused so much on working). I guess you could say it was a time in my life I was looking for a little adventure. Anyway, once he moved in, all went downhill. I started seeing more of the cultural issues. I'm very lenient and easy going. Him being very structured and OCD. It seemed as though everything had to be done around him on his time. He is 100% the most selfish person I have ever met. He would spend countless nights on the computer. I have caught him numerous times sneaking downstairs to the bars. I had actually confronted him once and he said he was going to "have a cig" and never returned for hours. I felt so alone even though I was with someone- living with someone. I then found out I was pregnant. Once it was confirmed I had spoke to him about changes that needed to be made.... He once again, didn't care about anyone but himself and I would be up so sick some night and he would invite groups of friends over to drink blasting music. I would calmly ask for the music to be turned down only to find it turned back up moments after I left the room. I can recall having trouble sleeping and propping pillows all around me... He had finally decided to come to bed around 3am to find no pillow. So what does he do ladies? After finally getting to sleep he decides to take the pillow right out from under my sleeping head. He laughs at everything I get mad or upset at. I have never in my entire life felt so disrespected. Mind you, I have lived with a lot of people. I am easy to live with. I will give you the world if I felt you deserved it. He really had a beautiful thing. In the process of all this going on, he had practically demanded I marry him because, "there is no family if there is no marriage". Obviously, kids or not, this was the absolute LAST THING I EVER WANTED. After numerous fights about me not marrying him he finally confessed... "Why won't you help me with these f***ing papers?!". He claims he can provide a much better life for his family with it when really... Without a degree and perfect English... He won't be making much more money than he is right now anyway. The only benefit it has is for him- not us as a family. He will finally get a license which he's obsessed about and after 12 years, finally get to see his mother back in Russia. I'd love to help the man out but not if it means my sanity. I kicked him out of my apartment when I was around 9 weeks pregnant. Took the initiative and found a nice engaged couple to rent out the other room. They have been very good with paying me rent. We are all still adjusting to each other's living styles. They have been aware of my situation since they've moved in and seem okay with it all. My situation now- I have a crazy obsessive and possessive Russian lunatic of a father practically stalking me. He would show up at my door ringing the bell for 40 minutes when specifically told to go away. (Also, I gave him YET ANOTHER chance after he was kicked out) surprise surprise- he blew it again and again. He has not bought these kids anything yet when I was in contact with him he would call me up and ask if I could take him grocery shopping. No offense sweet heart but these are acts of kindness you should be doing for me. Last thing I want is to take care of him when he's done nothing for us. Respect me and I respect you. Maybe it's the cultural thing, I don't know. It was only a week ago I had told him- listen I won't take you away from you children but that comes with responsibility- you will have to supply us with diapers and wipes. Do not expect a family life because I am very serious about not being with you as a couple. I am over the abuse and my girls don't need it either. He then tried to claim 2 diapers a day was enough for two newborn infants!!! What stupidity!!!!!! I nearly lost it. That is when I put my hands up and said, WE DONT NEED YOU. I get it, "he's a father and has rights". I don't want to hear it. It's past that. How many opportunities can you give someone? I blocked all contact with him... Social media... Phone number... You name it. Well, did that work? He now manages to call me on an unknown number 300 times a day leaving voicemails and begging for "another chance"... Asking why I'm being like this. More focused on what I'm doing and if I'm seeing other men. I told him, "you will not be seeing these children.. Or having any involvement with them". He doesn't understand and still contacts me saying he loves me and wants family. I need to know I am doing the right thing. In my head, now being a mommy of two, it's better for these girls to grow up with just me as the parental figure than with the toxicity of having the father involved- that is if I can ever get rid of him!!!!! 😥 The stress throughout this pregnancy has been unbelievable and so uncalled for. It's going to be hard no doubt rasising them alone but to me- there is no such thing a co parenting with someone like that. It's almost scary. It's not love at all. It's about control and he's loosing everything he thought he could have had or still thinks he can have. He blames it on the hormones and says what kind of mother splits up her family like this. I got crazy Russian mom messaging me saying the same crap!!! I'm over it. I need advice ladies!! It's a lot so bare with me now!!! Ask any questions you need to and I'll be happy to answer. Support is huge for me in a situation like this.

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Carfaroj1 - posted on 05/29/2016

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I understand what you are saying and no I don't have the credentials to label him that expect for the fact that I am being harassed.... Having to ignore unknown numbers all day long says enough. If I feel he has nothing to offer, not even love.. Being a sperm donor is not enough in my book to call yourself dad. Sorry, he won't even be signing the birth certificate. You can disagree with me but I feel me and my children's safety are at jeopardy. If he wants it badly enough then he will take me to court... But coming from someone who thought 2 diapers a day was enough, I don't think he even has the intelligence nor brain to do so. He wouldn't risk his home here in America for his children. He's selfish, remember? There is no argument here and frankly I'm surprised with the advice I'm getting. Most tell me to has his ass deported. Better off alone.

Carfaroj1 - posted on 05/29/2016

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I don't understand how you believe (father or not) he should have involvement when all signs are pointing to being mentally unstable. I am keeping them away for their and my own safety and one day they will realize that. They can choose when they are older if he is someone they want to continue to know. As far as now... even with the risk of deportation... id rather no father at all then one who was once there and then disappeared. when you tell someone to not show up un announced and they do and dont leave.... thats crossing boundaries. he is lucky i didnt file for a restraining order already... he may be back in russia then

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