I don't know if the father of my children should be involved

Carfaroj1 - posted on 05/29/2016 ( 36 moms have responded )

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I'm going to try and sum this up as best as I can. Currently I am 20 weeks pregnant with twins. I hadn't known the father for very long before it had happened. I live above a bar in which we met playing pool. My room mate at the time had moved out in which I took over the lease. The relationship with the father was still a thrill at this point.. So with last minute notice about my room mate leaving... I needed to find someone who could continue to help pay for half the costs of living (that's right, you guessed it, the boyfriend moved in)-now remember, this is before the pregnancy happened. Terrible decision making on my part. Now I will give you a little background on him... Turns out, he's illegal. He's been here in America for 12 years now... He is originally from Russia... Mother still lives in Russia- also a problem. His father is in the US but currently getting kicked out for reasons I couldn't even explain if I wanted. The relationship was based solely on sex. I was not in love. It was more of a thrill- the accent- the going out and drinking having fun (something I relarely did because I focused so much on working). I guess you could say it was a time in my life I was looking for a little adventure. Anyway, once he moved in, all went downhill. I started seeing more of the cultural issues. I'm very lenient and easy going. Him being very structured and OCD. It seemed as though everything had to be done around him on his time. He is 100% the most selfish person I have ever met. He would spend countless nights on the computer. I have caught him numerous times sneaking downstairs to the bars. I had actually confronted him once and he said he was going to "have a cig" and never returned for hours. I felt so alone even though I was with someone- living with someone. I then found out I was pregnant. Once it was confirmed I had spoke to him about changes that needed to be made.... He once again, didn't care about anyone but himself and I would be up so sick some night and he would invite groups of friends over to drink blasting music. I would calmly ask for the music to be turned down only to find it turned back up moments after I left the room. I can recall having trouble sleeping and propping pillows all around me... He had finally decided to come to bed around 3am to find no pillow. So what does he do ladies? After finally getting to sleep he decides to take the pillow right out from under my sleeping head. He laughs at everything I get mad or upset at. I have never in my entire life felt so disrespected. Mind you, I have lived with a lot of people. I am easy to live with. I will give you the world if I felt you deserved it. He really had a beautiful thing. In the process of all this going on, he had practically demanded I marry him because, "there is no family if there is no marriage". Obviously, kids or not, this was the absolute LAST THING I EVER WANTED. After numerous fights about me not marrying him he finally confessed... "Why won't you help me with these f***ing papers?!". He claims he can provide a much better life for his family with it when really... Without a degree and perfect English... He won't be making much more money than he is right now anyway. The only benefit it has is for him- not us as a family. He will finally get a license which he's obsessed about and after 12 years, finally get to see his mother back in Russia. I'd love to help the man out but not if it means my sanity. I kicked him out of my apartment when I was around 9 weeks pregnant. Took the initiative and found a nice engaged couple to rent out the other room. They have been very good with paying me rent. We are all still adjusting to each other's living styles. They have been aware of my situation since they've moved in and seem okay with it all. My situation now- I have a crazy obsessive and possessive Russian lunatic of a father practically stalking me. He would show up at my door ringing the bell for 40 minutes when specifically told to go away. (Also, I gave him YET ANOTHER chance after he was kicked out) surprise surprise- he blew it again and again. He has not bought these kids anything yet when I was in contact with him he would call me up and ask if I could take him grocery shopping. No offense sweet heart but these are acts of kindness you should be doing for me. Last thing I want is to take care of him when he's done nothing for us. Respect me and I respect you. Maybe it's the cultural thing, I don't know. It was only a week ago I had told him- listen I won't take you away from you children but that comes with responsibility- you will have to supply us with diapers and wipes. Do not expect a family life because I am very serious about not being with you as a couple. I am over the abuse and my girls don't need it either. He then tried to claim 2 diapers a day was enough for two newborn infants!!! What stupidity!!!!!! I nearly lost it. That is when I put my hands up and said, WE DONT NEED YOU. I get it, "he's a father and has rights". I don't want to hear it. It's past that. How many opportunities can you give someone? I blocked all contact with him... Social media... Phone number... You name it. Well, did that work? He now manages to call me on an unknown number 300 times a day leaving voicemails and begging for "another chance"... Asking why I'm being like this. More focused on what I'm doing and if I'm seeing other men. I told him, "you will not be seeing these children.. Or having any involvement with them". He doesn't understand and still contacts me saying he loves me and wants family. I need to know I am doing the right thing. In my head, now being a mommy of two, it's better for these girls to grow up with just me as the parental figure than with the toxicity of having the father involved- that is if I can ever get rid of him!!!!! 😥 The stress throughout this pregnancy has been unbelievable and so uncalled for. It's going to be hard no doubt rasising them alone but to me- there is no such thing a co parenting with someone like that. It's almost scary. It's not love at all. It's about control and he's loosing everything he thought he could have had or still thinks he can have. He blames it on the hormones and says what kind of mother splits up her family like this. I got crazy Russian mom messaging me saying the same crap!!! I'm over it. I need advice ladies!! It's a lot so bare with me now!!! Ask any questions you need to and I'll be happy to answer. Support is huge for me in a situation like this.

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Ariana - posted on 05/30/2016

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Evelyn
It's not that "he can't change a diaper", it's that he "He would show up at my door ringing the bell for 40 minutes when specifically told to go away. ", that he would "I would be up so sick some nights and he would invite groups of friends over to drink blasting music. I would calmly ask for the music to be turned down only to find it turned back up moments after I left the room. I can recall having trouble sleeping and propping pillows all around me... He had finally decided to come to bed around 3am to find no pillow. So what does he do ladies? After finally getting to sleep he decides to take the pillow right out from under my sleeping head. He laughs at everything I get mad or upset at." and that "He blames it on the hormones and says what kind of mother splits up her family like this.". It's that he called her mother lying to her about her daughter being in the hospital.
Again, it's not to say that there aren't men who, in this very same situation (casual relationship where their female partner gets pregnant) can't be good fathers and coparents. Absolutely, some men should be given the chance. Most men, for the most part, are not jackasses. But yeah, obsessive calling and texting is a troubling pattern of behavior. He doesn't seem to display good judgement not in the sense that he's clueless, but in the sense that he feels that he has a right to access over her life and her decisions. Had he asked what should be done, had he changed the first time around after being an asshole, had he tried to calmly negotiate and not had both mother and himself blowing up her phone, that might be different. She gave him chances to act like an adult.
I don't think anyone can claim cultural differences--MY father is an immigrant from a highly catholic third world country. He would never do that to my mother and would condemn any other men who thought this was ok.
Moreover, your argument that "you made some choices and this is the result. Time to be a woman and learn to deal with this." is really classic, anachronistic rhetoric that's kept women in abusive relationships for decades. Just because you've "been around a long time" doesn't mean you know any better--you may just be more comfortable with shitty situations which is actually really troubling for YOUR safety and things that YOU may have tolerated that you shouldn't have. I hope you've been lucky in life--statistically I have been (so far).
Jessica
As for proof: if he calls you, record the messages. Keep and record your call log with photos from anything in the past he sent. If he shows up, have someone videotape or audio record surreptitiously. That's your proof that it's harassment, and that is regular police work. If there are other things that were abusive that you have recordings of, bills, receipts, messages, friends that will vouch on YOUR behalf, have that nearby.

Ariana - posted on 05/30/2016

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I think you have say EVEN if he takes you to court. You're the mother, you have precedence over his say in the matter because it's YOUR body, not his.

Ariana - posted on 05/30/2016

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Exactly! That's so great to hear about your mom. And wouldn't it be better to have supportive grandparents and a tough as nails mom as a role model for kids rather than a messed up asshole "father" just because they're biologically related? It might be rough, and it it might suck for a while, but it'll be worth it.

Ariana - posted on 05/30/2016

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So...Evelyn, she's just supposed to wait until he ACTUALLY does something dangerous? What's the moral compass? That's some fucked logic.

Ariana - posted on 05/30/2016

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I'm totally on your side--I think you have great instincts. The only thing I suppose I'd recommend is to get people around you that care about you and your children who know about this guy and can help keep you safe. I have no idea what Dove is talking about... yes, occasionally there are guys who turn out to be good dads despite initial concerns. But there's a far higher incidence of guys with behavior like this being exactly what they present as: selfish, entitled, arrogant assholes who feel like they have rights to whoever they want. Kids might get upset, but you're their mom and it's your job to decide what will keep them safe. You should be able to go to the authorities, and honestly, if you're getting a restraining order, it may increase the likelihood that he'll be deported and out of your life forever (certainly in the USA). It's far riskier for him as an immigrant to get things like restraining orders on record. That's why we have laws to protect people from assholes like him. This isn't to say that there aren't wonderful men out there who wouldn't be amazing fathers and great role models, whoever this guy is though--he definitely isn't one of them.

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Ariana - posted on 05/30/2016

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Take a look at this legal advice website about the rights of unmarried mothers and consult a lawyer for real legal advice for your state and situation.
Some things I found about unwed mother's rights
http://www.lawhelpmn.org/resource/rights...

Homeland security and their legal information
https://www.ice.gov/

Information of restraining orders
http://info.legalzoom.com/reasons-can-re...
http://criminal.lawyers.com/criminal-law...

Custody advice (but it's different, because mom is assumed parent--father has to get permission to sign off on certificate of live birth if they are unmarried)
http://info.legalzoom.com/gets-custody-d...

And I didn't mean to be rude, but kids and legal status are often complicating factors. I don't know Jessica personally, but I'm taking her at her word because I CAN'T know his story--I won't assume the best him just because statistically, what she's saying isn't unusual, and that's horribly sad.

Carfaroj1 - posted on 05/30/2016

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Well I'd have to say that was the most real straight forward advice I had gotten thus far... And not because you are agreeing with me and not because "it's validating my actions". Thank you Ariana and furthermore, I feel very badly for the women who are taken advatage of and misconstrued about what is considered right and wrong. Some ways are just no way to live... If there is a way around bettering yourself and future, then take that path. Don't be afraid to be alone!!! Too many women rely on men to get by. Learn to take care of yourself.

Carfaroj1 - posted on 05/30/2016

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Also, Ariana... my family is very much aware and in agreeance. my mother had actually got involved where she was the mediator. She tried rationalizing with him as i couldnt. it actually got to the point where my mother said some of the things he was saying were red flags and scary to her. she gave me a pepper spray gun... and she is now ignoring him as well... she refers to him as the crazy russian. he even called her up the other morning telling her i was in the hospital??? my mother then called me freaking out asking what hes talking about... it wasnt true and obviously something he did for attention. the man is that selfish he starts trouble like that!!! someone i want as dad? i think not

Carfaroj1 - posted on 05/30/2016

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again, harassment is enough to call someone mentally unstable. I dont care if i am not a therapist to be an exact label on it... its called common sense. Situations like this tend to escalate which is what i am trying to prevent. The messages, missed called, yelling from the street to my window in which my neighbors have witnessed i guess is not proof of it? lol you ladies are making me laugh. Im in no way judging your parenting styles but it does seriously make me wonder... and its not about not wanting to hear it... i honestly think its poor judgment on your behalf. Also, what kind of life would these children have with a supervised visit? thats suppose to feel like family to them? id rather them not even know the mans name before i think visitation with this man would be the best option. like ariana and i had both stated... another man could be a great father... it doesnt need to be blood. I do have the say unless he does take me to court... do you understand that?

Ariana - posted on 05/30/2016

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By the way, feel free to email me and I'd be more than happy to try and help you look up resources in your area and help you find what you need, especially since it seems like you have plenty to worry about as is. Sorry if I'm a bit bombastic, stuff like this just makes me terribly upset.
casasariana271@gmail.com

Carfaroj1 - posted on 05/30/2016

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Thank the lord there is someone on here with half a brain. Ariana, this is what I am trying to get across... Growing up without a father is not the end of the world especially if the father is nuts. It's HEALTHIER FOR THEM FOR HIM NOT TO BE INVOLVED. Forget about "morals". And regards to Dove, it's kind of messed up for you to wish upon me my children hating me from keeping them from him. What kind of people do we have in this world? It's really sad hearing some of these points you are trying to make. I haven't got any good advice expect get a restraining order but followed by... Let them know their father. How does that make any sense? How do you have visitations when they are by law not allowed contact me with? Blows my mind.

Carfaroj1 - posted on 05/30/2016

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Well your opinion doesn't make it the right one. According to you ladies the father could be a serial killer but because it's his sperm he has rights. No one just gets handed over the glorified tiltle of dad. This is coming from a girl who's adopted. You can't speak for all the children out there and how they would feel. But apparently comporomizing their safety and sanity is more important to you than being the kids friend. That's not what mother hood is about. There is always going to be a time in a child's life where they don't like you. They get over it. So yes, it absolutely is a risk I am willing to take.

Ariana - posted on 05/30/2016

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Jesus christ though...did you READ her post? He sounds absolutely like a huge asshole. Sure, maybe the kids grow up without a dad, but it's WAY better than growing up with a obsessive, cruel, selfish guardian in their house. Some of my cousins grew up without dads, they turned out fine, went to college, had a supportive family network. They're OK. They're functional members of society now. The cousins who grew up with the abusive father are the ones with the real problems functioning in the world.

Ariana - posted on 05/30/2016

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He sounds like a huge creep and obsessive to the point of dangerous. Get a restraining order.

Carfaroj1 - posted on 05/29/2016

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It's a risk I am willing to take... Based off of knowing this man. They can resent me but I guarantee they will eventually see what I did was best... And it is best.

Carfaroj1 - posted on 05/29/2016

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And no offense... Bring me to court because me being a US citizen alone over an illegal... I automatically get the upper hand.

Carfaroj1 - posted on 05/29/2016

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So also, in the eyes of the law, he will not be the father if his name is not on the birth certificate. That is unless he takes me for a DNA test. Again, don't believe he will go through the trouble of any of this.

Carfaroj1 - posted on 05/29/2016

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I ABSOLUTELY HAVE THE RIGHT WHEN I FEEL THE CHILDREN WILL BE IN HARM. When it comes to their safety!!! It's not about me... He could be my best friend or worst enemy... im making the best decision for them. He can take me to court but he won't because he won't even risk being deported. So I guess the decision lies within my hands.

Carfaroj1 - posted on 05/29/2016

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I may not seem to be "in danger" now... But someone who calls over 300 times on a blocked number proves he has psychotic behaviors that can turn much worse... And no he will not parent my children when he seems unfit for it. His sperm or not... Who's to say he wouldn't run off to Russia to bring them to mom? A risk I'm willing to take? I think not. I would never see those girls again. It's about their safety... Not what is perceived as the right thing to do.

Carfaroj1 - posted on 05/29/2016

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Also, getting a court order for support is pointless. He cannot prove his income since he is not on the books. The most I could probably get is about 50 dollars a month... So is 50 dollars a month worth the stress and frustration of a mentally unstable mans involvement? Yeah I get my choice of partner wasn't the best but who isn't to say he didn't do it purposely to become a US citizen? They won't have to pay for it because it's not always blood that makes family. I can meet the love of my life and he loving them unconditionally is what makes him the father. It's about who raises and was there for them. Not who produced them... Anyone can do that. It takes a real man to be a father

Carfaroj1 - posted on 05/29/2016

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How do you expect to co parent with a restraining order in line? if youre telling me the situation is bad enough for a restraining order, i dont see how letting him involved as dad would be safe for the children or myself.

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