I want to be there for grandson´s birth

Carmen - posted on 06/08/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I was very close to my children and brought them up with a lot of effort as a single mom. Now they are having their own children and will not allow me to visit them, not even to experience the joy of my grandchildren´s birth. My granddaughter is 18 months and I´ve never kissed her. My daughter refuses phone calls and Skype. Now my son tells me I am only welcome for 10 days, 3 weeks after my grandson´s birth. Can somebody help me?

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Denikka - posted on 06/10/2013

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Unfortunately, it's really their choice.
Actually, it's pretty generous of your son to offer you 10 whole days. My MiL is not welcome to stay with us at all, nor is any of the rest of our family (except my sister. She lives nearby and is occasionally welcome for a single night over). I'm not comfortable having extra people in my house, especially right after birth. Housecleaning is not going to get done, food is going to be minimal and probably consist of lots of easy cook meals like KD and sandwiches. Even if family offers to come and help, there's still that standard that most people like to maintain to keep up appearances. And that's a whole lot tougher with a new baby. No matter who it is, or if/how much they help out, having another person in the house is going to be an inconvenience.

I'm currently expecting my third child. I'm away from my family and around hubby's family for the first time while pregnant. And his family is a lot more involved and social than mine, so I'm sure I'm going to have more visitors this time around, but I can tell you that those visits will be short. The first few weeks are important bonding time and *family* time in my mind. And by family, I mean hubby, my kids and me. That's it.

It sounds like your relationship with your kids has taken a downturn. This is something you need to talk to them about. It may be that they feel you've been overbearing and are taking steps back to maintain that distance. Sometimes when people have been pushed in one direction, they can go overboard in pulling in the opposite direction.
Sit down and talk with them. Let them know that you want to be more involved in their lives. But you need to respect their wishes and do it on their terms. You're still their mom, but you are no longer in a parent/child relationship. You are equals and on equal footing. You each need to respect the others boundaries.

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Carmen - posted on 06/10/2013

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Thank you Dennika, I am trying very hard to understand. Why is it uncomfortable for you to have people that love you in your house? Don´t you want to kiss your Mom and cuddle up? Do you feel that your husband´s famly will criticize your skills as a mother and housewife?

In my case, I just want to see the baby´s little face, kiss him, and be there if they need me. I couldn´t care less about the food .I know painfully well that it´s their choice but I am also part of the baby´s family. Because nobody can change the fact that I am family, my kids tell me so all the time, and that they love me. My son didn´t grow from a cabbage and he will always be my son. Please help me understand: What do I take away from them by being there? I don´t hold standards to keep up appearances. I am very authentic and simple. They can bond all they want. How does my presence interfere with their bonding?

I am not overbearing. I haven´t seen my daughter in 3 years and I see my son about 10 days a year. When I visit I pay for meals, restaurants, and even their dry cleaning. I live in another country 20 hours away by plane. My son and daughter are not present at Xmas, birthdays, they don´t have to take care of me if I´m sick, I don´t ask them for anything. On the other hand, when they visit us they get a royal welcome. They have their lodging, meals, entertainment, tours, trips, taken care of. I give them presents, I just bought some beautiful jewelry to give to my DIL to thank her for giving me a grandson.

I have nothing but respect for my children´s boundaries, that is why I haven´t seen my daugher in 3 years. Their boundaries are many and very strong, starting by the boundary imposed by the time, distance and expense involved in visiting them. Why so many rules and regulations when we used to laugh together until it hurt? We traveled together, partied together, sang together...I haven´t done anything to hurt them. Sometimes I don´t know if they got married or they joined a sect that brainwashed them.

My best to you and the baby you are expecting. I hope you always enjoy your liittle family, as you have defined it, and I thank you for being so generous with your time and advice.

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