My Birth Plan. Am I selfish and terrible?

[deleted account] ( 1 mom has responded )

I am having some major issues dealing with my boyfriend of 2 years over the birth plan for our first child together, and my first baby, who we are expecting late October. He has a 12 (almost 13) year old daughter from a previous marriage whose mother passed away about 3 years ago. He has her full time and what went from being a long distance relationship, with the news of the pregnancy has brought us all to living under one roof in a house I bought us in my hometown where I grew up. I will call her SD here for sake of it being easy even though she is not officially my step daughter yet.

Long story, somewhat short, SD and I get along wonderfully. I have tried my very best to rise to the occasion of all the sudden becoming a full time "mom" to a pre teen, and she really loves me and I her. Of course, I do have many of the sometimes negative emotions about it... the jealousies, the feelings of him not loving our baby as much, the envy of him having already done all of this before, that seeing our baby for the first time wont be like when he saw his first child for the first time, and our relationship has begun to be so much more about her and less about us. He travels a lot for work, so I will be staying home with SD and a newborn many overnights very soon.

Basically right now, I am working on a birth plan and we are taking a childbirth class to prepare for the arrival of our son. He wanted to have SD's grandparents come to town soon after the baby is born which I declined as nicely as possible. I am not comfortable with them and having guests that are not my own close family members in our home right after birthing my first baby will cause me a great deal of stress. Not to mention, learning to breastfeed, being emotionally fragile, and trying to make a routine for our new family does not leave me wanting lots of guests in the house. He wants them to come to make sure SD gets what she needs, but mere days after going through the labor and birth? I just don't want that. This has made my BF very angry. I told him finally after much discussion that his sister could come if he wants one of his family members to take care of SD but she is the only one I will be comfortable whipping my boob out in front of, or having a breakdown, or learning my new role around. Bar my mother and sister and family. I feel that this the right of the woman carrying the baby for 10 months and then experiencing childbirth and labor for the first time AND becoming a mother and stepmother all within two months of each other. Am I wrong in feeling this way? After every childbirth class, we end up fighting. Its terrible because we spend this wonderful time focusing on the imminent arrival of our new baby but then in the car ride home, it inevitably becomes about SD. He becomes obsessed with what will happen with SD on the day I go into labor. I have an amazing family here who will makes sure she is perfectly well taken care of on that day, and I have thought a lot about what that plan will look like, but each time we finish class he ends up yelling at me when I try to assure him SD will be ok and we will have a plan in place. So like clockwork, after class last night on the drive home, it happens again. We have spent three weeks in this class discussing the birth plan and I know I want to labor for as long as possible in the comfort of my new home with my BF before heading to the hospital in active labor. I want the house to ourselves, I do not want to be laboring around his daughter, nor do I think its appropriate for her to stay in the house while I do so. I don't want him distracted or feeling I cannot walk naked in my house and scream if I want and need to. He went off on me saying that she shouldn't have to leave the house, she can be in her room, and if she is taken care of by my family, they have to come stay at our house with her. I tried to explain to him that we moved close to my parents so that when we both travel the baby and SD can stay with them and she may have to go to someones house when I go into labor. Is that so crazy?? Is that so selfish? I am so frustrated! I don't understand how SD can trump what I need and desire to birth this baby, one of the hardest and most incredible things I will ever do. A once in a lifetime experience. Of course, SD will be taken care of! As she is so well every single day under this roof! She may not be the center of attention for these moments, and some routine will be disrupted which is what he doesn't want, but isn't that the point? Our entire lives are disrupted by another human, though joyous, entering them! Why am I made to feel like such a monster for needing certain things in my life around the birth of my first baby? Should I feel terrible or be accused that "its everything I want in this pregnancy?" Shouldn't this be the one time in our lives, ladies, where yes, I should be able to get what I want and need and have a supportive BF to help make that happen?

I really don't know what to do...


Sarah - posted on 09/16/2015




Maybe look at some compromises you guys can make. Maybe have her grandparents come, but stay in a hotel. This might make the day a fun day for SD. She can hang out with grandparents doing some special things while you are in labor and in the hospital. Even those few days home the grandparents could take SD and do some fun things. Let boyfriend know you don't want lots of visitors, so don't want to have to host or entertain. But also make it fair. If you are having lots of your family visiting don't be upset if her grandparents want to visit too. Though they are not your family they are now part of your new just make it fair on both sides.

As for during labor.....I do agree when you are in heavy labor and close to delivery I don't believe that is a place for a 13 yr old. I am sure she would feel the same. But as for the whole time you are in labor that might be too much. Some women labor for days. This can also be a very special thing for her too. I ended up needing my 13 yr old to time mu contractions with my youngest as labor never happens when you think it will. My husband was not there at the time my labor started, so I need my 13 yr olds help until he got there. It want VERY well. She did an amazing job and that made her feel part of the day. A very special thing for her. For all those moms that have delivered before they will tell you that in real life it never goes how your birth plan is. It is good to have a plan, but also know however it ends up going it will be ok.

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