Becoming a wife again after becoming a Mum

Bethany - posted on 08/24/2010 ( 14 moms have responded )

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How do you keep up your relationship as a wife, now that you're a Mum? Any tips? I've really lost my touch.

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Bethany - posted on 09/05/2010

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oh man, Yvette, that's harsh of him, and really quite rude, for someone that loves you enough to have kids with you and want to marry you. I think it's time your "partner" took a week off and showed you how much he wants to marry you, by taking over for the week. You need to go away for the week, or at least three days and let him experience what you do. And no slacking off, house needs to be tidy and washing done and put away when you get back.

He needs to walk your mile, or pull his head in.

You're going to MARRY this guy. So you should at least be able to trust him with your kids for a while. Bite the bullet and chuck him in the deep end. If he doesn't want to, then tell him to back off and give you some respect, if he's so scared.

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Jennifer - posted on 09/08/2010

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Even thought my husband and I don't have so much "alone time" since our daughter was born, we make sure that we always kiss each other goodbye in the morning and have another hello kiss in the evening when he gets home. You would be surprised at how connected you feel from just that few moments in each others arms. My husband also calls me around lunch time everyday he is at work to check in and see how my day is going. It really helps keep us connected as a couple so that even when the intimate moments are few and far between..we still have a solid loving connection.

Tabitha - posted on 09/05/2010

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yeah Yvette, I know what you mean... a lot of men don't understand that by staying home and taking care of everything is not "contributing". Even though i talked to my hubby about this and we tried fixing or changing things, he still has a hard time with it. i know that when i have to work and he has to watch julius, i come home to a mess all over. he then realizes that he can't do all the cleaning, cooking, and taking care of julius. as soon as i walk in the door he is ready to throw in the towel. sometimes they have to see things through our perspective for them to understand. maybe one day you can ask your partner to watch the baby while you go on a much needed girls day/night. then you can talk about how the day went and your feelings! good luck!

Yvette - posted on 09/04/2010

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What a relevant topic! My partner and i have been together 5years now and engaged since Feb. Our son is 18months and the pressures on our relationship are tougher now than ever before. I hear a lot of woman reply with 'he works so i can stay home' and while my partner works & i would be utterly grateful to stay home guilt free -i don't. I feel like i work 24/7 during the week -sometimes i get the zzz on the weekend but mostly he wants to sleep as well. So im usu doing 7day week & then the guilt he makes me feel for not contributing as much. He even says you dont deserve to relax bcos u dont contribute...and he doesnt mean $$ -he means bcos when he is home from work to relax im stressing him out. :S but being home w baby all week & working part-time too i need to vent to him when he gets home & relax just as much as he does...

Helen - posted on 09/01/2010

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I think the thing that keeps us going is the communication. It doesn't always work, but it sure helps a lot, as does plenty of cuddles. I'll often ask for a hug, and it perks me up, shows our son that cuddling is for grown ups as well as babies, and keeps things in prospective.
We are both at home a lot, which is great on some levels, but on others we almost lead separate lives - I'm on the laptop and hubby is on the computer atm - and we haven't spoken in an hour or more! Having him around is nice, and as I've just found out I'm pregnant again, and really struggling with back ache and sickness, he's doing an awful lot, and again the communication is key to us both understanding what the other needs/wants.

Trelli - posted on 08/31/2010

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WOW, Ladies thank God I am not alone. I start to watch those romantic TV shows and think why can't I have that. It's not real life that's for sure. We are all different people before the children and then once we have them Mommy is our first order of business. I have found that finding things that make me happy also makes me a better wife making myself look nice and keeping things up ( at least 4 out of the 5 days.) Hey I am not perfect. I found that hugging my husband everyday or like Bethany said thanking him for working so I can stay at home. Those are a start. Still it is hard to feel sexy when you baby is nestled gently into your lap and he happens to come home and says hey honey and tried to charge you like a wild bull. After the dry spells they can get pretty crazy still try to make sure that you are feeling good and that doesn't just mean health if you can schedule date nights or at night talk together. My husband takes my little guy on the weekends so I can get some extra ZZZ's so I don't just pass out when it's us time. I know that relationships are hard but if you yourself aren't happy then the relationship will have more problems. Cut yourself some slack you work 24/7 try to work with your husband on things like a movie after the kid's are sleep or the internet is a great tool to plan couple related activities. Try doing family things together.
I know how it is when his job is late and yours is too. I read an article once that the couple set the alarm so that after a few hours of sleep they would wake up and spend an hour or two together. Hey I need sleep as much as the next mom but maybe every once in a while this can help those with busy schedules. Well I know I need more help in this area so please keep making suggestions I need them :)

Vicki - posted on 08/31/2010

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This is definitely a hot topic. IMO all marriages have some adjusting to do after kids. My husband is working graveyard 12 hour shifts right now, so he is working, then sleeping, then up for 3 hours in the afternoon, then gone again. We make up for all the lost time on the weekends. Still its not a ton of alone time though. For me if I'm able to ask him to give me some alone time I'm usually in a more approachable mood. Mostly its alot of understanding on my husbands part, but its still a struggle.

Bethany - posted on 08/31/2010

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on a practical note, Christine, I usually clean as I go (thanks to idea from Flylady) so I have a sink of sudsy water waiting, and anything I'm finished with I wash up straight away, and any ingredients get put away immediately after I use it, so once the dish is finished, it's really only the bench to wipe down, and the final pan and dishes to wash. It helps alot. I consider cleaning up part of the making of a dish. Though I spent many years in and out of Kitchen-Hand jobs when I was younger, so I'm not bad at the "scullerymaid" gig.

On a philosophical note, Love is not expecting anything in return. I treat myself to coffees when I'm out, and a nice shirt if I see one on special, as it's all our money anyway, and I'm more likely to know what I really want anyway. Richard getting up with Charlotte in the morning on the weekends makes up for a whole week of dinners in my book. Zzzzz.

Christine - posted on 08/30/2010

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wow, that last post just struck a note. my husband and i are going thru a rough patch because i feel like i still try to surprise him with very thoughtful gifts that i know he'll love, but get none in return. i love to cook, so i like to make gourmet meals on weekends. but i've sort of stopped b/c when asking him to clean up afterward he complains that whatever i'm making makes too many dirty dishes/pots/pans! what should i do??!!!

Tabitha - posted on 08/30/2010

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my husband just finished a 22 week police academy, so we are in the same position. i just try to find what makes him happy and try to work on that. he loves to eat and loves all kinds of food, so i try to connect with him by making him a special meal each day and he really appreciates me taking that time. then he takes the time to do something sweet for me. we also take time out at night to just talk and connect some more. good luck!

April - posted on 08/30/2010

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I'm really lucky to have family nearby. My husband and I get a date night at least once a month and leave our kids with their aunt and uncle. We give them a date night, too. Also, my mother-in-law recently came up to visit and sent us away for 2 days while she watched our children. Other than that, we just try to get some alone time when our kids are asleep. We also do fun stuff together during the day. We go into our room and shut the door just to talk sometimes, too. It really helps our relationship.

Bethany - posted on 08/26/2010

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It's funny, actually, the night I posted this, I finished up on the computer and went and watched some tv and there was a show on called "How to have sex after marriage" haha, talk about timing.

It was like a relationship makeover show for a couple. They didn't even have kids yet, and had been married for 4 years, but the trying to have kids was killing their romantic life. So I could really relate, as that is when our romantic life went a bit AWOL. When you start 'trying'.

Any way, it came down to doing things on purpose, and doing things for eachother without expecting reciprocation.

I also picked up a magazine the next day and it had an article about actively maintaining your relationship. So it's obviously quite a hot topic, and we're not alone. That talked about dwelling on the good and excusing the (not so) bad. Also looking after youself physically, a little mascara here, a skirt there, whatever.

So there you go, I'm going to consiously work on "flirting" with my husband, with open body language on the couch, not curled up in the corner. And really listen when I ask him How was your day dear? And tell him Thankyou so much for going to work every day so I can stay home and do what I do without any guilt or obligation. He's a great guy, I have to keep remembering why I decided to marry him. Because he's a good man, flaws and all, just like I'm a good woman, flaws and all.

And I read a post once that mentioned a quote they read "if I can change dirty nappies all day, I guess I can have sex with my husband" hahahaha

I have the issue of almost always getting a UTI when ever we are intimate too, so a week of antibiotics looming in the wings kinda puts a dampner on things too. That's the main roadblock for us. Ah well, we soldier on.

Erin - posted on 08/25/2010

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I'm having the same problem. It's really hard for us since I work a night shift and he works a day shift. We both feel like single parents and have grown further apart. It's so hard. I'm not sure what to do.

Dawn - posted on 08/25/2010

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I haven't figured it out either! I did mention the other night that we need to have a date afternoon soon...I miss just hanging out at adult spots sometimes!! I figure we'll have time as our son gets older and I think my hubby is pretty understanding!! I try to make it a point to get some "cuddle" time in with the hubby one night a week...it doesn't always lead anywhere but at least we are trying, LOL!!! I think the most important thing we do is laugh still....it's hard on hubby when I am pulled in many directions and am short tempered, so I try to offset my bitchiness with some joking. I will be interested to read the other posts on this, for sure!! :)

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