my friend's miscarriage - advice on words of support?

Jenn - posted on 02/23/2011 ( 8 moms have responded )

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My dear friend just suffered an early miscarriage (eight weeks in). I'd love to drop off a card but have no idea what to write - I don't want to prompt her to think about anything she isn't already, but also want her to know that I understand and am here if she needs to talk about it. Can you share any advice on what those words might be? Thanks so much.

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Amy - posted on 03/07/2011

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I had a m/c about the same time in my first pregnancy, and it was awful. Just tell her you are so sorry for her loss and that you are there to support her. It feels like a real, significant loss and most people who haven't experienced it don't understand that. Never tell her it was for the best or she can get pregnant again - that's the worst! She needs to feel like she can mourne the pregnancy and support from family and friends is great.

Lorena - posted on 03/02/2011

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I would skip the card if she's a dear friend...tell her you are sorry for her loss, and go over and just "be" with her if she is taking some time off to grieve. ask if there is anything you can do (make her a meal, watch a movie with her). there is probably no words of comfort to offer (there was nothing that could comfort me, anyway) just give her an ear if she wants to talk, hand her a kleenex if she wants to cry and be there so she doesn't have to be alone.

Paula - posted on 03/01/2011

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I also recently suffered a miscarriage. I found out that my baby was dead on the 17th of February, my sons 2nd birthday. Trying to be happy for my little boy while knowing that the baby I was carrying was dead inside me was so hard, but I got through it. Now no one mentions it, it's like it has either been forgotten or no one dares to talk about it in case I get upset. The problem is that I need to talk about it, so don't keep quiet - ask how she is, how the father is, let her know you can handle talking about her grief. Let her cry too, that's also important. I'm still crying. Having a friend around who I could talk to would help, but I'm unfortunately a foreigner where I'm living so I don't have so many friends here.

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Please don't tell her she can try again, please don't tell her it happened for a reason. Don't try to justify it or make her feel better. Nothing you can say or do will make her feel better. Just let her know you are sorry for her loss - because it was a loss, her body, her mind, her hpt told her she was pregnant and she lost a baby - and that you are there for her if she wants to talk but totally understand if she doesn't want to.
I have had 3 m/c. Nothing anyone has ever said has made me feel better. The whole "it happened for a reason" makes it worse. As does "you can try again". I am lucky enough to have a beautiful little girl who just turned 2 yesterday and another on the way in a month. But that was with 3 losses that devastated me. You are a really good friend to ask this question.

Jene - posted on 02/27/2011

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I believe that if you loose a baby in the womb there is a really grand reason as to why!!! Just be there for her no matter what, I can;t imagine what she is going through!

My aunt had 3 miscarriages before she was blessed with her beautiful son, at which she had to have a stitch put in so as to not loose him, and ten years later, she fell pregnant, no stitches no worries!
I wish all the luck to your friend for getting pregnant in the future and know that one day she will be blessed with the most precious little angel!

Kayla - posted on 02/26/2011

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Iv had two miscarriages and the thing that got me more down was when people would say, its ok you can keep trying....just let her know your there if she wants to talk - tell her you are sorry, and dont say you understand if you havent suffered from one yourself. Hope she cheers up soon - its a horrible thing to go through!

Erin - posted on 02/24/2011

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Whatever you say, do not say "you can always try again." All she needs to hear is sorry for your loss and I'm always here for you. Think about what you would want her to say to you if the roles were reversed!

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