Navigating the Adoption Process

Rebecca - posted on 07/27/2009 ( 13 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have just started the adoption process. We are meeting with an adoption attorney to get on what I have been told is a listserv of babies available for adoption. We are also going to go with an agency. My question is: that we have already gotten word out among family and friends if they know of anyone. Is it okay to do that in a forum like this. We would be open to all situations including open adoption. Any thoughts?

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Linda - posted on 10/18/2009

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This comment is to everyone.

We all have opinions, just like we all have something else. Some people choose to shove their opinions down others throats and some do not. I for one choose not to shove my opinion down others throats. But rather just offer my experience(s) for others to see as possibilities. There are lots of experiences, all of them different, just like the children we foster and/or adopt. How we each choose to handle these situations is of course, our choice.

Tara - posted on 10/18/2009

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The following comment is for everyone:
Not everyone calls a biological mother a first mom. That's unfortunate, because the mother of your child -- the one whose DNA s/he carries -- IS his first mom. First parents or biological parents should not be reduced to worthless pieces of trash by the people who adopt their children if only because the children are a part of them! Hiding a child's true identity from him/her should be a crime. I know some Late Discovery Adoptees who have disowned their adoptive parents because the truth of their parentage, history, and identity had been denied them for so long. I don't blame them a bit. How would YOU feel if you suddenly discovered that you had been adopted and were never told? Don't the children you love deserve honesty and respect? I feel sorry for kids who are adopted by closed and/or narrow-minded people. Adoptees are supposed to be given a "better" life by the people who adopt them. Hiding their identities and denying the fact that those children were not born to them is a form of abuse, pure and simple.

Linda - posted on 10/17/2009

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Tara, I am reading just fine. Not everyone calls a bio mom a "first" mom. Just because you do, does not mean that everyone does. And we will decide when or IF our son is told that he is adopted, you may not like that, but thankfully it's not your choice. I would willingly keep the information from my son for the exact reasons I have already stated. You know nothing about me, my education or my son, so please stop with the judgements. In fact, please stop posting to me, and I promise I will stop posting to you. Thank you.

Tara - posted on 10/17/2009

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Linda, again, you're not reading clearly. I never said anything about first time mothers. I said FIRST mothers, which is what you call a "bio mom." The woman who gave birth to the child I adopted is his FIRST mother. It's the truth, whether others like the sound of it or not. She gave birth to my child and he shares her DNA. Adoption and altered birth certificates doesn't change those facts. We are both his mothers; he has two.

If you plan to not tell your child he was adopted, you should not be adopting. Why would you willingly keep your son's information and history from him? That's wrong and it will cause a host of problems for you AND for your son one day. It is extremely likely that he will find out eventually and resent you for the rest of his life because you hid the truth from him. I do hope that your son is able to understand and learn and develop normally. I think you have a lot to learn about adoption and the rights of the child, however. Please educate yourself...for your son's benefit. Your son's history is HIS right, not yours.

Rebecca - posted on 10/17/2009

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Hi all-

Little update after going to the foster care seminar we decided that we wouldn't be able to give a child back through unification at least not know. maybe after we have completed our family then we would consider foster care. we found an agency we like and got all our papers in. we are starting the home study process next week. scared out of my mind no more nervous. will keep u posted.

Linda - posted on 10/17/2009

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Tara, my apologies. Children who are willingly given up for adoption are in a different situation than those removed by CPS/DCS. But no where in my statement did I say first time mothers are bad mothers, in fact, I didn't say anything about first time mothers. My sons bio mom is NOT a first time mom. And I will use as much respect as she deserves. So, please don't tell me how to speak of her. We don't know at this point if we will EVER tell him he ws adopted, or if he will ever have the mental capacity to understand that he was adopted and why. And why would speaking the TRUTH be considered speaking badly of her? Not all situations are the same.

Diane - posted on 10/15/2009

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Tara I was actually responding to Rebbecca's question I just put the response in the wrong box sorry

Diane - posted on 10/15/2009

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Foster care is the first choice for us as well. I feel if there is a mother out there that doesn't want that job and can't handle the responsibility at that given time then the alternitive to abortion or neglect or abuse is adoption and the reasons there is cps is because there are times when a mother cannot be a mother and the child is put in a bad situation. If you want to go with a private adoption go for it, good parents are needed and kids don't care who is loving them as long as someone is actually loving them and taking care of their needs. good luck.

Tara - posted on 10/14/2009

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Linda, you weren't paying attention to what I said. I was talking about relinquishing mothers (e.g., adoption agency babies), not mothers whose children are removed from their care (e.g., CPS).

I adopted my son from foster care and his mother was not a substance abuser nor was she abusive or neglectful toward her child. She was unable to parent him for other reasons (that I won't go into here because it's no one's business but my son's). Please don't paint all first mothers with the same brush and please be respectful of your foster child's mother when you talk about her. Someday he will know the reasons she lost custody of him, but judging her will not help your child or your relationship with him. You don't have to sugar coat things or lie to him, but you shouldn't speak badly of her either. (I'm not saying that you would; I'm just throwing some advice out there for others who read this.)

Aloha :)

Linda - posted on 10/14/2009

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I totally agree with the suggestion of foster care. There are thousands of children in foster care in need to loving homes. But, I disagree with Tara on her point that "most women who relinquish their infants at birth would be able to parent their children." They don't loose their child at birth because they have done great things, it is because they have jeopardized the life/health of the child. I am a foster mom to a 14 month old boy whose bio mom used 4 different legal/illegal drugs DURING her pregnancy, and she thinks she has a RIGHT to see/parent her son. In the last year she has consistantly tested positive for illegal drugs, she has been kicked out of 3 different rehabs, and hasn't seen him in over 8 months. This is the reason we need loving foster homes, for the kids who are neglected & abused. But hold on, it's not an easy ride!

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Adoption in any form is a long process, so keep your hopes up, and pray for guidance. Everything you have already tried is good, but I also agree with Tara about adopting a foster child. If you think you can handle it, good foster parents are needed. But that also is a long process, with a higher chance that the children will be reunified with their birth parents. Foster parenting is not for the faint hearted, or someone desparate for a baby. I feel for you and what you are going thru. Keep us posted.

Tara - posted on 07/29/2009

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I have one: foster care. There are thousands of children all over the U.S. who need homes and loving families. With a little bit of support, most women who relinquish their infants at birth would be able to parent their children. I am against newborn adoption for this reason. I feel pretty much the same way about international adoption. With some support, families in foreign countries could raise their own kids. Taking kids away from their homeland, culture, language, etc. is just wrong in my opinion. Look into foster care. Adoption is supposed to be about finding homes for children who need them, not finding children for adults who want them. If you really want to help a child that NEEDS a home and loving parents, contact DCFS in your area and begin the process.



Aloha

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