a 7year old that back chats

KAMALINI - posted on 02/10/2013 ( 9 moms have responded )

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Hi all I am new here, I have a 7yr old that constantly back chats with me when I instruct her to do something.plz help

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Cecilia - posted on 02/10/2013

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We have a jar in our house that is paid into if i get "sass" They get their chore money at the end of the week. If they owe money into the jar, the jar is paid before they are. All accounts of sassing are written on the fridge so they know how much they owe. it is $0.50 per infraction. If they keep going it goes up. I will tell them to watch their tone. I'm willing to listen if they are talking to me with respect.

Mind you they don't get a normal allowance. They are required to do chores on Saturday. Those are unpaid. If they want money they must do extra chores during the week. My 15 year old for example needs $50 for an ipod. He does on average 4 chores a week. Which means he gets $4. If he were to back talk me he would have less.

Also, I am one who realizes I am not perfect. My children are allowed to point out that i'm coming to them with an attitude also. It doesn't happen a lot but it does happen. In those cases i will pay the jar. This helps with mutual respect. No i don't need to do this but i'm willing to show them that i hold myself to the same standards i hold them to.


You can also do behavior charts, they work great for her age group. Google some, they have tons of ready to print ones. You mark down behaviors you're working on and after so many stamps or stickers, she earns a prize or treat. In your case, if she goes all day without back talking you, she gets her stamp. After lets say 6 stamps, she can have a prize. It might be a coupon for a friend to come over. or go out for icecream. Anything you can think of that would work for her.

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Valerie - posted on 03/11/2013

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I think if we're talking about adult with appartments and cars and monthly budget plans acting "sassy," with their folks, it's a whole other problem than a 7 y-o giving the back-talk. My girl is turning 7 soon, and the frequency and severity of the retorts and storm-offs has definitely increased as compared to last year. But so far, no joke, the best and most efficient punishment/treatment/deterrant has been an earlier bedtime, and softly-voiced reminders like "that was not a question, it did not requre an answer. It was an order: it requires an action" (my fave, and it had a girlfriend of mine in tears laughing).

Dee Dee - posted on 02/11/2013

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thanks Cecilla
I went on the web did some search, this what I find,
Techniques to tackle the problem of talking back include:
Establish behavior expectations and stick with them. Simply say: "Talking that way is not allowed." Remain firm and direct.


Teach the consequence that talking that way will NOT get a child what he wants. This important lesson must be understood by a back-talking child. Adults can simply say: "I am not going to talk with you or listen while you have this tone with me. Once you change how you talk with me, then I will be glad to listen."


Teach a child proper communication methods. Sometimes, a child really doesn't know how to properly ask for things or to communicate. In an appropriate setting and time (and not when a child has just challenged an adult with back-talk), calmly explain to a youngster how to properly communicate. Be sure that they understand, however, that simply asking respectfully still does not necessarily mean they will achieve the outcome they are requesting. Otherwise, parents/providers will be seeking advice on managing a spoiled brat.


As appropriate for their age and development, begin teaching a child how to handle disappointment. Explain ways a child can cope or even voice disappointment or displeasure without talking back to an adult.


Play act a scenario with a child and provide him with a chance to practice an appropriate response. Reinforce that inappropriate reactions/behaviors should always be followed by an apology and an attempt to again relay the communication in a non-"sass" tone.


Praise good behavior and appropriate actions/reactions. Realize that it is hard to handle life's disappointments, and responses often have to be learned.

D always talk back to us. I don't know it is feed back or sass from other people's view. I remember whenever she has emotional meldowns. D would cry and talk irrational, I would tell her to take 5 mins break and come back to tell me again what happens and what she wold like me to do? If she keep crying and talking, it doesn't help because I have no idea what she is saying. I am sorry to say so. I did the same thing with my husband,M. when they have a problem they don't know how to solve, they get angry/ frustrated/ scared. they willl act out, They will talk back irrational/ loud/rude/won't listen... I know they have issues. I called it emotional meltdowns. D will cry and M will wave his arms. I treat them the same way. I tell them to leave me alone and come back later after they calm down. I will listen by then. I would help if I can. I am only human. I don't have answer to all the problems. Somehow, they both have the tendency to hold back their emotions and not to talk about it, when the problem is small. they will wait and wait until they can't handle it anymore. here comes the talk back, blow out or emotional meldown. Usually I can tell what cause D's meltdown. I can't prevent it happen but I can solve it in a few days before it become a serious problem. Mike usually no help. I don't know if this man issue or not. sometime, M is even in the way to help D. sometimes, he is the cause of it. because the way he pass the words. Foe example; D had a meltdown last week. I thought D lost the value of the money. I ask her to return the emergency money. it is $1500 short. M told me D spend it. I was really concerned that D would spend beyound her means. 2 days ago, D had another meltdown. M had one right after. It looks very suspicious. my guts tell me that M is hiding something because he is trying very hard to say everything is ok. He was waving his arms, talk over me, ... This time, he won't leave. so , I took 5 min break and bring D back with me. I calmly ask D to explain her monthly budget plan, if she doesn't mind to share with us. She did and surprising calm and in detail. then the problem surfaced. D told M ( clearly, she thought) , she has the $1500 in her bank account, but she need to keep it for the cushion. so the account will not go under zero. Everything make sense and right on target. I said it proudly to D. M got caught and stop acting out. he actually appologized to D and me. GRRRR.
the other issue is trust. M want us to trust him, but he take lightly to trust us. D had a crises last week. D's friend V bought her a new car on 5 year payment plan, but V denys it to us. I was really in panic. The possibily of mental illness came to my mind. M simply shut down. I was so powerless and helpless. so, I came here to find support and help to find answer. sure, I did. I learn to trust. D. Part of the D's monthly budget plan is $400 car payment. She said she wish she would waited to get the new car instead of taking V offer. so, she is saving every penny to pay the car. in my mind, it is clear to me. V has emotional meltdown lastweek which cause D's meltdown and M's meltdown. D and V is not talking to each other. it is fine with me. V can take his time. when he get over it, he can come to talk to D without backchat. D is moving on regardless V help her pay for the car or not. I am just glad that I have my D and M back. now, we went out to eat, talk and talk and talked.. without any sass...we may do some talk back in some people point of view, but that's just the way we talk, I guess. It is all about communication. If we need some talk back to communicate, I will live with it. it is just me.

Ev - posted on 02/10/2013

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Is D a seven year old child or in highschool...the way you talk she is a little girl but the last post has her in highschool.

Dee Dee - posted on 02/10/2013

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I wish I know. D still think that I am too controlling. I guess she follow most of the guideline we set like, to kind to people, do her home work, dress properly, no drugs. no alcohol, polite, careful with money, careful about strangers, careful about boys, stay distance until you know them... some high school teachers told her that she is behind on sextuality because she is not with a man yet. even she had tons of boy friends. Therapists think she is doing great, and she is fine. people say different things all the time. I stop worry about it. the only thing I care about is that D is close to M and me. we talk all the time. D and us just went for dinner. she was going to cook strew for us at her apt. After 30 min, I find excuse and help her hang some clothes. She is getting uneasy that she want to do it herself at her time frame. so, I stopped and we went out for dinner. I think I am just going to accept that she talks back, so do I. we talks, we argues, we live and we move on. this is our life. it is the way it is. lol, I wonder what D would say when her kids talk back to her... I really can't wait.

Ev - posted on 02/10/2013

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Information age has nothing to do with it. Kids need to learn to respect their elders. The information age is an excuse used to make it okay for kids to talk back to their parents or other elders. Kids need boundaries for growing up so they can learn to deal with different issues and see us as an example of how to act. By being a friend to your kid, all you do is let them run you over no matter what they are doing that they should not be. My kids grew up in the information age....but they do not talk back to me either. All it takes is a parent to put down the rules and enforce them...what part of this do people not get?

Dee Dee - posted on 02/10/2013

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Hi Evelyn
the way , our parents raise us is not working for new generation. our parents don't talk to us nearly as much as we talk to D. this is information age. I would rather be close to my kid instead force the rules. I don't have as much probblem as my husband, M with his mom. when M was 40, his mom still think she owns him and tell him what to do. M almost has a nervous break down. he has therapist since, going on 6 years. he is still working on detachment from the anger. I never tried my dad's way. according to D, school counselor would ask us to come to school if we try our parents way to force the rules. It sounds problematic to us. By the way, D gets some sorts of good behavior award every year since 3rd grade, best friend, best tutor, ... she is shy but helpful.. Most teacher likes her and wants D in their class. So we continue our open conversation way raise D. M's therapist, J, told him to let D be about her room. Her room is better ones. ( roll my eyes)
J think very highly of D.

Ev - posted on 02/10/2013

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So, when did you start to discipline the child? Has she always gotten away with talking back to you? And Dee Dee-if you were raised not to talk back to your parents, how can you not know how? Why did you not used what you were raised with? It could have worked.

In my day, I was not allowed to talk back. Plain and simple. If I did, I got into trouble. A lot of kids these days get away with everything because parents are too scared to do anything about it. My own kids were not allowed to talk back to me either. If they did that was it. They got in trouble.

Parents need to lay down the rules at a young age. And as the child gets older add to those rules as needed. As for talking back, kids learn to do it outside of school. Its not a trait that they pick up only at school. If they do not like something they will tell off their parents.....that is how it goes. You need to break the cycle early on. Don't take it. Time out is not going to work on a 7 year old. Maybe sentence writing such as: I will not talk back to mom or dad. Make her do it until she writes out what you tell her to write out. It might change her mind the next time.

Dee Dee - posted on 02/10/2013

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Hi
back chat? talk back?
I struggle with that all my kid's life since she went to pre-school. It seems to be a fashion in school. everybody talks back and not following the order. My husband and I grew up , do what we were told by our parents. we are proud to do as much ,as close as we were told to please our parents. now, those kids are called names "sheltered", make fun and pick on. Students do it. even teachers do that. we manage to get her thru high school. now she is in college.
I don't know if this will help?! I try to instruct the kid carefully/clearly with gental words. if it doesn't work, I simply ask her " how would you like to do it?" I am sorry to tell you that I could never get my kid to clean her room. maybe someone could show both of us how to do it.

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