a hot mess!!

Amber - posted on 07/21/2016 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Need some advice on everything!! Don't really know where to start.....
Was with my significant other for nearly 8 years when he ended things with me , I didn't see it coming and was heartbroken. Having a four year old with him at the time it literally tore my world apart as I thought this was forever. He left me for a woman he worked with moved in with her straight away leading me to suspect something may have been happening before although he will not confirm any of my suspicions..
So I go about trying to move on and repair the damages caused by these events making the most of time with my daughter. Three months later he claims he made a mistake and wants to try and make things work again. Every logical cell in my body told me not to but I couldn't deny I still loved him, so I tried. By some sort of miracle I fell pregnant in this time(i say miracle because I have been notified by doctors that it is a lot less likely following an operation I had and I was also on the pill!). I told him as soon as I knew and he gave me the cold shoulder for a day and then left me,again , for said co-worker. Even more distressed and traumatised this time round for weeks I went back and forth with the idea of termination , or wether I could cope on my own. I decided given my circumstances I would keep the baby and go it alone so to speak(he always said he wanted to be involved).
So again trying to move on , move forward, three months later than this he is telling me he has been fighting his feelings for me all this time , he wants me back, he truly loves me he will do all he can to have me back. But also tells me his girlfriend is currently pregnant! That whatever happens he can't stay with her as he isn't happy, and he knows how much he has hurt me and wants to make it right wether or not I think we can make it work.
I am so confused, hurt, broken and tired from this whole situation! I don't know which way to turn, because I truly love him with all my heart and would love to make it work but I am also not stupid and know how much he has hurt me and used me over the past nine months. Treated me as an option and pushed his new relationship in my face knowing I was nowhere near ready to move on......
I have no idea what to do for the best and being pregnant my emotions are at an all time high anyway, has anyone been in anything close to this much of a messed up situation? I I don't want to make any rash decisions based on my feelings for him , I want to protect my daughter and unborn baby from all this mess. What makes me most angry about all this is that he alone has caused all this turmoil and all I can seem to do is endure it. It makes me so angry with myself for still loving him.
Any advice would be appreciated, as you can see I'm in a really difficult place right now and could really use some guidance.......
Thank you in advance....

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Kassidy - posted on 07/22/2016

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Obviously this guy is a total asshole. There are no Ifs Ands or Buts about that! Anyways, you should stick to the "Fool me once shame on you, Fool me twice shame on me" idea.

I can totally understand how hard it is to love somebody and watch them quickly move to someone else in the blink of an eye... I can also understand that people make mistakes and deserve second chances. It looks like he got away with something the first time and you already gave him his second chance. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a single parent. In my honest opinion, it looks like he might love you and have some sort of feeling for you. It also looks like he got somewhat of a stranger pregnant and is trying to run from the issue.

Although it will be hard to say something like this you need to let him know "I cannot have the kind of person you have turned into around my children. I will let you continue to be part of their lives and hopefully you stay and be a good father for the other woman."

Remember that you are not the only hurting woman in this either. There is another woman that knows you exist and is praying that she doesn't have to be a single parent either. She is probably hurting too. If I were you I would reach out to her in all kindness. Find a friend in her and tell this guy to screw off.

Only you know what is best for you though. Listen to your brain and not your heart in this situation.

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Amber - posted on 07/22/2016

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Thanks for the advice, logically i know what should be doing. It does seem he is running from responsibility. I think ill need to give myself some time to really think things through.
Have tried to connect with the other woman several times(not in the last few days since i found out shes pregnant) , offer an olive branch so to speak when they got together the second time round as she was pushing for him to have my daughter around her and her daughter.basically i had to explain that for me it was too soon to push this on my daughter as i thought that maybe we could take that step when they were a more fully established relationship. I have tried at every turn to take a step back and then come back to little difficulties they have presented me with with my sensible head on. I know and have said to ex also that his actions have hurt more than just me, i know that (despite the circumstances they may have got together) that its not fair to treat her or me this way.
It may be an unkind thing to say but it seems that whatever kind of person she is or however much she is hurting she simply does not and will not like me, or at the very least accept that im not trying to be difficult i am just someone that has been caught up in a messy situation, just like her.
I think its best for me to maintain the distance between us for now at least,obviously whilst still seeing our daughter and see what happens from here. Its such a confusing time for me but you are definately right i cant let my heart rule my head.
thanks again xx

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