A lesson in sharing...

Tara - posted on 12/07/2010 ( 51 moms have responded )

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I had meant to post about this last week when it happened, but forgot about it until yesterday when it happened again.

So... here's the set up.

Homeschooling swim change room after swimming, bunch of kids, getting dressed etc.

Mom I know with her two girls ages Kayden 6 and Abby 3 sitting on bench in front of me, kids are eating carrot sticks from a container FULL of them.

New mom is changing her baby and her 5 year old is standing in front of me.

The five year old very nicely approaches Kayden and very sweetly says "May I please have one of your tasty carrots?"

Before Kayden can reply, her mom says "Oh I don't know about that, Kayden doesn't really like to share."

Little kid looks dejected.

The mom then says "You could always ask her, maybe she'll give you just one"

Kid asks again, Kayden says " Nope" mom then says "See I told you. Maybe you could ask Abby."

Kid asks Abby, "Nope" and then she turns around and faces the other way.

Mom says "Maybe next time your mommy could bring you some of your own carrots."

I was completely fucking floored. So was the other mom. The kid looked like she had been slapped, her eyes welled up and she went and hid behind her mom.

I wanted so badly to say something to the mom, I see her every thursday and have since been trying to find an opportunity to have my kids share stuff in front of her kids, so I can be rather blunt about how we teach sharing. Hell if it were my kids and there were only 3 carrots left, they would have given her one, if there weren't enough they would have given her their own.

Your thoughts?
This mom is an extreme attachment parenter, she fully believes that she shouldn't really make any decisions for her children, they need to be given the freedom to express their true feelings without interference from her and her husband. We've had group discussions about things like discipline, manners, development etc. so I know her ideals when it comes to raising children,but really?

Sorry for the length.

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Krista - posted on 12/07/2010

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That's the thing -- there has to be a happy medium.

Some parents go overboard with the sharing to the point where their kids are basically forced to give anything and everything up the second some other kid asks for it. Even if it's their most cherished toy, the child is expected to just hand it over without question as soon as some other kid expresses an interest. And that I don't agree with -- I don't just let some random person borrow my car or my house or my husband, so why force my kid to share something that is a) unique and b) very important to him?

And then we have other parents like that one who don't even TRY to teach their kids that sharing is a nice thing to do. Personally, I think with stuff like the carrots, the mother should have taken the opportunity to point out that they still had plenty of carrots for themselves, and giving up one would not kill them. For things that AREN'T unique and don't have emotional ties (like snacks, or like lego pieces, or things like that), then I do think it's important to teach kids that the world is a much nicer place when we share those types of things, instead of just hogging them all to ourselves.

Stifler's - posted on 12/07/2010

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I'm the kind of parent that would be like "LOGAN SHARE YOUR DAMN CARROTS" even if he said no.

Jodi - posted on 12/07/2010

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Are you kidding me? I too practice attatchment parenting, and want my daughter to make her own decisions without interference...such as which shirt she would like to wear today, what toy she would like to play with, apples or oranges for snacks...but basic manners are not up for discussion and I WILL interfere when my daughter is rude or impolite.
Not sure what I would have said, but I KNOW I woouldn't have been able to keep my mouth shut.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/07/2010

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I love how the mother put the negative thoughts of sharing into the daughters head before she had a chance to answer.....that is classic brain washing!

51 Comments

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C. - posted on 12/08/2010

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Quoting Tara:



"she fully believes that she shouldn't really make any decisions for her children"



But yet she told the little girl that her daughter would tell her she couldn't have a freakin' carrot!?!?!?! THAT ALONE is making up the girl's mind, IMHO. Saying something like that in front of your kid and your kid is bound to mimic. She's awful. How can you NOT teach your kid to share??? Hell, if it was my son and the little girl asked for a carrot and he was about to eat the last one, I would have made Liam give the girl half. You have to guide your kids down the right path, and what this lady is doing is the exact opposite. Greedy people.. They need to be slapped! How does she know what the other kid's family is like? Maybe they don't have enough money to bring a FULL CONTAINER of snacks with them like she does. Or maybe the lady was so stressed out that day that she didn't think about it. How can anyone do something so rude as to turn away a little girl (*edited to add* or just any kid in general) for a CARROT!!!! A CARROT, for crying out loud! They apparently had more than enough, so I don't know what the big deal was to her. She's nutty. Manners are an essential part of bringing up children and she's doing an awful job of it.

Mary - posted on 12/08/2010

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Ah, Cathy, I hear you! Molly loves to "share" with the dogs as well.

We've been working on the concept of taking turns, and Molly has really latched on to it. Yesterday she was determined that it was "Charlie's turn" with the play-doh...which means he ate it! She started to to cry, and said "no more Charlie turns!".

Tah - posted on 12/08/2010

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@tara..i don't know why you haven't snatched the shopping cart and carrots from her yet...i just read the towel incident and those kids better not ever forget anything ever in life...

Tah - posted on 12/08/2010

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you should take your laptop..or pull your COM up on your phone..and share how we feel about her with her..."here honey, i wanted to show you something, and make sure to read every post"...then share your kleenex with her when she starts to turn red and cry

[deleted account]

"She dies from some horrible illness and the doctor says 'I'm sorry, I could have saved her, but she didn't bring her own bone marrow transplant.'"

My husband is horrible xD he means no offense, either, if anyone does get offended. I just thought I'd share my giggles with others. This IS a thread about sharing, right?

Ez - posted on 12/08/2010

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ROFL what a tool of a mother!



Like some of you, I am AP. Following my child's cues are vital, but there are some things that are non-negotiable.. decent manners and appropriate social behaviour being two of them. A child doesn't come out of the womb knowing how to share and cooperate with others. That has to be taught. This joke of a mother is a cop out, and is going to end up with kids who are social outcasts because they've never had the guidance to develop appropriate social skills.

[deleted account]

I told my hubby about this and he said he doesn't want to know that people like that exist. Just makes him angry, lol! He was pretty much floored too. It's so sad that some people are like this, though. Ugh.



His comments:



"Zombie apocolypse, and those people standing there, I'm the only one with a shotgun and they're saying 'There's zombies! Shoot them!' Maybe you should have brought your own damn shotgun! Or a sinking ship, I'm in a lifeboat, and they want to use it. Maybe you should have found your own boat!"



"Just building up bad karma for that zombie apocalypse."



Yes. I love my husband. :D

[deleted account]

I just read what happened the next time! What good mother encourages her child to act like that? "oh sweety it's ok we are going home so i can teach you to how to be even more selfish. Good work tonight though!" Thats some of what i picture this mother saying in my own animated mind!

Becky - posted on 12/07/2010

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Wow! I feel sorry for her children! They are not going to have any friends with attitudes like that. I don't think I would have been able to hide my feelings in that situation! I might not have said anything, but my face would've told her what a bitch I thought she was!
Allowing your children to make their own age-appropriate decisions is great, but you still have to teach them how to make wise decisions, and you still have to teach them some basic social skills and manners.

Sharon - posted on 12/07/2010

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I would have said something snarky and cruel.

Its not nice to be mean to kids but sometimes a kick to the head is required.

I MIGHT have been able to contain myself to making a comment to the mother only.

"oh that is so sad. you know? Kids like that will never be liked by anyone. Its a good thing she's got a sister. I wonder what will happen when one of them wants to share the others' boyfriend?" and leave.

[deleted account]

Attachment?! I think more Helicopter. She jumped in and said no before the child could even respond! Gah the first thing i do is get my children to share.

Amanda - posted on 12/07/2010

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Wow! That's some bull if I've ever heard any! I would never interrupt one of my kids having a conversation with another child! If a kid comes up and asks any one of my 4 kids or daycare kids for something they had, I'd hope that my child is willing to share which they usually are! I can't believe some people claim to do the best for their child and always put them first and teach them manners and how to act in public but than go and pull some shit like this. Ugh!

Bonnie - posted on 12/07/2010

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I think the main problem right there is the mother. Rather than telling her daughter to share, she was pretty much telling her daughter not to share in a sense or teaching her daughter is okay not to share. Oh gosh, if it was my kid, I would have taken one out of the container to give the other kid. One less carrot wouldn't have made a difference.

Kimberly - posted on 12/07/2010

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Wow. I'd like to share my shoe with that mom's ass. What a complete jerk.

Nikkole - posted on 12/07/2010

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I would have said something i couldnt have kept my mouth shut!!! That women is nuts i make my son share with kids he dosent even know but my son is REALLY good about sharing for bein an only child for almost 3years he sometimes shares too much lol but yea that mom needs a good ass kicking and someone needs to tell her to go to parenting classes!

[deleted account]

Yeah, that mom needs a good ass-kicking, seriously. It's because of crappy little kids like hers that I didn't want kids in the first place. But then I realized it's really all in the parenting, and my child isn't going to be like that, if I have anything to say about it.

Amie - posted on 12/07/2010

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OMG. Tara you have the patience of a saint. I shit you not.



That mother would have gotten told off and loudly. *boot/ass*



Her children are brats and I hope yours have the sense (and I'm sure they do) to not pick up on their bad behavior.



Edit to add: This is about Tara's last post not the OP.

[deleted account]

Ugh, there's no helping the poor child, then. Maybe if you'd asked the younger one, if she were around, but that older one is too far gone.

Isobel - posted on 12/07/2010

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I didn't know republicans were big into attachment parenting...huh...you learn something every day.

Tara - posted on 12/07/2010

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I saw this mom again tonight at skating lessons.
So after all the kids got off the ice, I realized I didn't have a towel to dry the girls' skates (left the family skate bag at home) so I saw Kayden drying her skates..her mom no where in sight... so I approach her and say "Hi Kayden, could we borrow your towel for two seconds to dry the girls skates?"
She looks up at me and says "Where's your own towel?"
So I said "I forgot ours at home tonight. It would be nice if you could share yours with us"
"ummm.. I don't think it would be nice.:
So I said "well we are saying please and it is nice to share"
Then she screws up her pinched little face and yells at me "I DON'T LIKE TO SHARE"
I shit you not.
So her mom comes running out of nowhere and wants to know what's going on.
I told her what had happened. Her reply??
She stroked poor little Kayden's head and said "Now Tara knows you don't like to share. It's okay."
To me she says "Maybe next time you should bring your own towel."
I shit you not again.
Uggg... some people's parents.

[deleted account]

She doesn't feel like she should make decisions for her kids? Then she should've kept her big mouth shut. She IS making decisions for her kids by interfering. Of course I think she should've had the kid share, but if she's really all about 'not interfering'.... Yeah, sorry not buying THAT excuse (from her).

Caitlin - posted on 12/07/2010

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Wow.. that's just beyond..

I'm having a tircky time teachign my daughter to share, because I want her to learn to share her toys and books and such, but at the same time I'm trying to teach her NEVER to share food (food allergies). I don't want her taking or giving food to anyone (because if she gives some away, she wont really have enough for her) but that being said, if I was going to playgroup or anything with her (we don't do that, but still) I'd make sure I pack extra snacks so that if she decides to share her food, I'd have enough for everyone. I simply wont have her take food from anyone but myself and my husband at this age..

That being said, teaching sharing over here is going to be HARD! (The other day I caught her sharing pieces of hot dog with her 9 month old sister, who was shoving them in her mouth, but not able to chew them properly yet. Thank goodness I was right there or we could have had a blocked airway.. another reason sharing food amongst siblings is unacceptable in the house..

Becky - posted on 12/07/2010

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Haven't read the other responses yet...
But, she did essentially make a decision for her child when she said, "Kayden doesn't really like sharing." Maybe Kayden was prepared to share until her mom essentially told her not to! If someone asked Cole for a carrot stick, hmmm, maybe I should say a smartie, because he won't eat carrots unless they're cooked anyways! But, if someone asked him for something he was eating and I said, Cole doesn't like sharing, chances are, he's not going to share! If I said, "Oh, Cole loves to share," he probably would share with them! And if I said nothing at all, he probably would share. My point is, she totally did interfere with her comment. She should have let her children respond first and then intervened and explained if need be.
And they should have shared their carrots! Good grief!

Tah - posted on 12/07/2010

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thats what i said jodi...she gave her girls the answer then sent that baby in for rejection...x's 2

Jodi - posted on 12/07/2010

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I find it interesting that you say "she fully believes that she shouldn't really make any decisions for her children". And yet, but intervening in the way she did, she actually TOTALLY made that decision for her children.

Stifler's - posted on 12/07/2010

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OMIGOSH It was a carrot stick, Kayden could have handed one over, hell... even 2 wouldn't have killed her. This is not good parenting, whatever label you put on it.

Lucy - posted on 12/07/2010

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Poor kids- They're going to be pretty miserable growing up if they are not taught the most basic social skills such as sharing.

And as for letting the kids make their own decisions, by answering no before her child got a chance, it was the Mum making the decision!

I would have said something to the child that asked something like "What lovely manners, you asked for a carrot so nicely" and then I would ask one of my kids to offer her a snack from our bag, if they hadn't already.

[deleted account]

My thoughts...What a bitch. Had that been my kid, I would have called her out right then and there. Sounds like she's the one who has sharing issues, and the kids are just following mommy's example.

Makes me a bit sick.

Tah - posted on 12/07/2010

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Please, for the love of granola tell me you are kidding me...I would not have been able to contain myself, i would have had to say something, i keep snacks in my bags when i take the kids out, i would have whipped out some raisins, a peanut, or goodness me a lifesaver..and said here sweetie, we don't mind sharing because "SHARING IS GOOD!!!!"...looking directly at the selfish mom and her children that are going to get a shock when the real world hits them. She even answered the question for them, what if she would not have said anything, and her kids shared their carrots...o these girls are gonna be just FUN FUN FUN..i hope they can stand each other, because that's gonna be about all they have in the way of friends...

[deleted account]

Does this lady not realize that her kids will probably be the ones nobody wants to play with because she refuses to teach basic life lessons.

I don't believe in not interfering with my childrens decision making because when they do something rude or don't use their manners it is my job to tell them why we share and treat people nice. They need my guidance as small children to have a foundation of what good morals are. If my kids aren't "actually" playing with something it's free game, I don't care if it's their favorite toy. Snacks are the same way and they will share with anyone who asks.

Charlie - posted on 12/07/2010

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Oh my gosh , what a deranged woman , her kids are going to be fantastic examples of people when they are older unless they can escape the brainwashing of their mother .

Nikki - posted on 12/07/2010

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Your kidding, I am sorry but what a bitch, it was a carrot not a kidney. I don't know that I could have kept my mouth shut. I agree with Dana there needs to be a balance, I feel really sorry for her children, they are going to have a hard time making friends if that is the attitude they have learned.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/07/2010

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Oh my,...I would love to see how she would react if the tables were turned. It sounds to me like she feels her kids are more privaledge than the rest. Geesh. She is the kind of mom, where if one of her kids tried to take another..she would step right up and snatch from the other kid for her own child.

Hannah - posted on 12/07/2010

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If she was "holding" a toy, I would kindly walk up to her and let her know that her daughter is no longer playing with it and therefore it is free for all. You cannot place "holds" on toys. That is so strange to me.

Hannah - posted on 12/07/2010

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Holy freaking cow!!! I am literally stunned at this. Ok, so maybe you didn't REALLLY want to give the child a carrot but wouldn't you do it just to be nice?

Tara - posted on 12/07/2010

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Yes it is brainwashing. At playgroup this same mom will "hold" toys for Kayden the 6 year old. For instance, there is this pretend shopping cart with all kinds of pretend food to put in it. Kayden will push it up to where all the moms are sitting and tell her mom not to let anyone take it while she goes and plays with something else. Her mom will actually put it right beside her and if another kid tries to take it or anything in it, she will say "Sorry but Kayden is playing with this" lol
We all just roll our eyes and give each other the knowing look. The one that says "Oh jebus here we go again."
tara

Serena - posted on 12/07/2010

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If my mother said I didn't have to share, I woudn't have either.
But with that being said, I feel it is a mother's responsibility to teach our children to treat others the way we want to be treated.

JuLeah - posted on 12/07/2010

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Our job is to socilize our children. Have you ever met a dog who growled at everyone and was frightened of all out doors?
Well, the months between 0 and 6 are vital to the development of a puppy's personality. You take them everywhere, show them everything, have them meet everyone you know, so when they are an adult dog, nothing phases them. They feel comfortable and safe in all enviornments.
Kids between the ages of 0 and 10 years must be socilized in the same way. We show them, instruct them, model for them all the social skills we want them to display as adults. Table manners, gift receiving, gift giving, waiting your turn, sharing, please and thank you, back and forth in conversation, asking nice questions and not just speaking about themselves, dress codes, kindness to others, caring for the feelings of others, kindness to animals and younger kids, acceptance of folks different from them, listening while the teacher is talking, standing in line, not being sassy or talking back, kind humor and on and on .... if we fail we raise brats and it is no one fault but ours.

Minnie - posted on 12/07/2010

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This attachment parent teaches her children to share.

Tandem nurse! :P

Jocelyn - posted on 12/07/2010

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*headdesk*
Fuck me, some things you HAVE to teach your children!!! Sharing is one of them!
I'd be a bitch about it (but in disguise) Make some cupcakes, give them to every other kid who asks, but not hers. It's mean, but maybe once she sees their little upset faces she'll learn :P

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