Adoption (do people beleve there is a sad under current around it because its a second choice?)

Amanda - posted on 04/13/2011 ( 45 moms have responded )

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Reciently I have been studing the internet about adopton i came a cross someones blog (to remain namless because i don't know them) stating the "sad" under current around adoption- meaning its a second choice for both partys involved the birth mom and adoptive parents any ideas out there it made me sad and intrested to see how people view adoption today and what they believe about adopton in todays world.

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Jane - posted on 07/21/2011

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The explanation we gave our kids about adoption was simply this:

Moms and dads have two jobs. One is to make babies, while the other is to raise babies to be adults. Most moms and dads can do both, but sometimes they can only do one of the jobs. When that happens, smart moms and dads find a second set of moms and dads and they work as a team.

Thus, our children's birth parents are part of our parenting team. No one was given away, no one is any more special than any other child, but just as special as every other child.

We have never made a secret of the adoptions and are in contact directly with one birth parent, and indirectly with another.

Our kids seem comfortable with adoption and I think know they can talk to us about it at any time. My son knows that he has a half brother through his birth dad, and he knows (but doesn't care right now) that he has two half-sisters through his birth mom. My daughter isn't interested right now but that could change someday.

Jane - posted on 09/25/2011

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I am very aware that there different levels of problems. My husband was in the court system for 11 years. Some of the things he saw simply can't be believed unless you have been there. I also have friends who have been foster parents, some of whom ended up as adoptive parents of "damaged" children but who have raised these same children well.

My brother's children have had to weather a nasty divorce and also strange parenting from his ex. While this didn't cause all their problems as our family has a genetic history of ADHD, alcoholism, and depression, it sure made them worse.

Both of my children were adopted as babies, my daughter at 10 days and my son at 6 weeks. Neither were abused but my son's genetics made him more susceptible to certain problems, and a hard birth compounded them. He is ADHD, ODD and Bipolar.

And who's to say with my genetics that any child I produced myself wouldn't have those same problems? A case in point, my aunt and uncle were lovely, intelligent, caring people and two of their sons are fine, but their oldest was damaged at birth and so will never be mentally older than about 9, and is only partially verbal. However, he ALWAYS knows the time and he knows the day of the week of any date in history.

What I see is that without our adoption of our son he would have never survived his first suicide attempt at age 7, would have never gotten the treatment he needs, and would have probably hurt other people as well as himself along the way. Instead, we have had both the joy and the pain of raising him, and have every hope that he will eventually be able to mature into a happy and successful adult.

My point about my brother's children is that being your "blood kin" does not guarantee you will have problem-free children. Just look at all the moms on this site looking for help.

And if you really believe you can't love an adopted child as much as one you made yourself, then it is better that you don't adopt. All children need parents that love them and do the best they can to raise them well.

I have met children that had problems of the sort you are talking about. Those children typically were removed from their birth families for cause after several years of poor treatment or longer. That is why those children are broken. Even so, some of them can be raised to be successful and happy adults.

Sylvia - posted on 07/22/2011

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I think when people are adopting after infertility, they need to take the time first to mourn the babies they're not going to give birth to, so that they can NOT go into adoption with the attitude that it's the second-best choice. Some people can't make that leap, and adoption is probably not going to work out well for those people.

Here's the thing. When you are dealing with infertility, you feel really horrible a lot of the time. You feel horrible physically because of all the drugs you're taking. You feel horrible psychologically because it seems like everywhere you go you see pregnant women smoking or drinking wine, or mums smacking or yelling at their kids, and inside you're going "If only I could get pregnant, I would never do any of those things!!!" You feel horrible because your friends and rellies are having babies and you just can't manage to be as happy for them as you should be, because it's so easy for them and so hard for you. You feel horrible, too, because of the things people say to you. One of those things is, of course, "Why don't you just adopt?"

Now, whenever someone says anything to someone dealing with infertility that begins with the words Why don't you just ..., that odds are virtually 100% that they should just have kept their mouth shut. This one is one of the worst, though. (Just about as bad is "Just relax!" Um, yeah. Because just relaxing will totally fix my lack of certain key reproductive organs!) As you'll know if you've been researching adoption, there is nothing easy about it, and to be told -- repeatedly -- that you should "just adopt", as though you could just fill out a form today and have a baby in your arms tomorrow, SUCKS. It especially sucks when the suggestion comes, as it so often does, from someone whose kids were all acquired the old-fashioned way and who has absolutely no clue what either infertility treatment or adoption actually involves.

I think adoption is a wonderful thing. But people should go into it knowing that it's hard, and fraught with disappointment, and doesn't always turn out the way you hoped it would.

Joanna - posted on 04/13/2011

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I am so happy with my adoption story... I adopted out my daughter when I was 17. And her and her family are very big parts of my life, we are like family.

I have 2 children of my own now with my husband, but once the youngest is in school we will talk about adopting a boy from foster care, something I've always wanted to do.

Amber - posted on 04/13/2011

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My SO and I have a biological child together. We are currently looking into adoption, and plan to have at least one more of our own down the road. We're thinking two natural and two adopted.

I think it's a mixture of emotions on many levels for all involved, but I think hope and happiness are the primary emotions in these situations.

The only thing that I'm personally finding "sad" about adoption at the moment is that a 5+ year de facto relationship is not enough to be able to adopt as a couple. We can adopt as singles, but not together. So, there is an extra child sitting out there waiting to be adopted because the system won't let us do it until we have a paper "proving" our commitment to each other.

*Sorry, went on a rant of my own.*

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[deleted account]

Jane Seno..Hats off.You seem like an awesome lady.No you are an awesome Lady.You speak so well and its completely true.I agree 100%.Best of luck to you& your family.:-)Your little ones are very lucky to have you as there Mom.

[deleted account]

I'm not suggesting that biological children won't have problems or will be perfect. However, even under the best of circumstances, adoption brings a whole host of baggage with it that isn't there when you give birth to a child yourself (of course, that doesn't mean you have a different type of baggage).
I don't really see it as being an issue of not being able to "love" an adopted child as much as it is an issue of the situation would be overshadowed by the loss of the biological child you will never have. Like I said, we considered adoption as an option and decided it wasn't for us.

[deleted account]

There are levels of problems, Jane. Some kids who are adopted are just broken, plain and simple, and all the love and good intentions in the world can't fix that. I'm presuming your brother's children weren't neglected or physically or sexually abused and aren't dealing with the life-long issues that type of treatment causes.

Jane - posted on 09/25/2011

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Every time I look at my adopted son's problems I also look at my adopted daughter's lack of problems and my brother's biological children's problems. I am grateful that I only have one child with problems, My brother has three.



And I have one child with few problems but who is bright, pretty, nice and motivated.

[deleted account]

My husband and I looked at adoption when we were really struggling with infertility and had about given up. It was not for us. At the end of the day, I wanted my own biological children and did not want to raise someone else's biological children. So if we had never been able to have our "own" kids, and had adopted, I do think it would have been a second choice for us and always would have carried an undercurrent of sadness for me. I'm glad so many adoptive moms feel differently, but it would not have been the right choice for us. My feelings towards adoption were impacted by my three cousins who were adopted and had a host of problems.

Jane - posted on 09/25/2011

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I can tell you that as an adoptive mom, as soon as each of my babies went into my arms, they were mine, completely and totally, just as if I had given birth to them (but without the episiotomy). Of course, ever since I was little I have wanted a "rainbow family" and the best way to do that with my genetics would be to adopt. In fact, my husband and I discussed adoption even before we married, so when we found out that we couldn't make our own it was a no-brainer.

Merry - posted on 07/22/2011

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I don't want to pry, but could you share what goes on with an embryo adoption?is it still the same screening process and price as adopting a child? I'll google it if you don't want to go into it but I figured I'd ask. :)

Teresa - posted on 07/22/2011

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We adopted (embryos) because we could no longer have children of our own. It is a bit sad I guess but there is more joy.

Merry - posted on 07/22/2011

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I heard one adoptive mom say biological children grow first in your belly and then into your heart. And adopted children first grow in your mind and then into your heart. :) she said neither is better or worse it's just two different ways to grow a family. (she had three bio and four adopted kids)

Jane - posted on 07/22/2011

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When we found out that we had fertility problems we discussed what to do. For multiple thousands of dollars we could try all sorts of treatments to see if we could somehow make our own, much of which but not all would be covered by medical insurance. Or for less money we could adopt.

Sure we had a 6-inch stack of papers to fill out, but that was sure a lot easier than fertility treatments (or even morning sickness). Sure, folks came to our house and looked in our closets and cabinets and asked intrusive questions, but it felt less intrusive than a pap smear, and it is something my mom did every time she visited (don't know why). Sure, they ran background checks on us, but that wasn't the first or last time for that (we were Scout leaders after all). And, yes, we had to go to training classes, but I think EVERY parent should be required to go to those because they were really helpful (in everything but new baby care - we had to take a Lamaze class to get that, but they didn't make us bring a pillow since we weren't pregnant).

Overall, adoption was an easier experience than I think pregnancy and birth would have been for us. And quite frankly, my late husband and I love kids and didn't really care if they are related to us or not.

When they placed our daughter in my arms I fell in love instantly. Same with my son. Same went for my husband. Personally, I think our kids are better than anything we could have produced biologically.

Mrs. - posted on 07/22/2011

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Yeah, I think the idea that every parent really, really wants a child growing inside them deep down...pretty much b.s.

I was never supposed to have kids. I was told very young that it wasn't going to happen. I always thought, after I got my career really cooking, I'd adopt late in life.

I didn't particularly care for being pregnant..except for it helping with my bad endometriosis. Of course, I think I always knew this about myself, that I was not one of those women who thought pregnancy was beautiful and sacred.

Nope, if I had not had my "surprise" baby, I would have never thought of my adopted child as "great, but not as great as a real baby". That's a bit twisted.

Sylvia - posted on 07/22/2011

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I need to specify that the last sentence in my post above refers mostly to the process of adoption -- the one where you are subjected to intense scrutiny of every aspect of your life by officious strangers evaluating your fitness to be parents -- not so much to raising an adopted child. Of course that's fraught with difficulties, etc., etc., but that's the nature of parenting, and anyone who goes into parenting ANY child with the expectation that it will all be perfect is heading for trouble.

Tanya - posted on 07/21/2011

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That's true, Laura. Sadly, the moms who probably COULD make it work are the ones who will make the sacrifice and place their child for adoption with the best of intentions. The ones who SHOULD place their children are sometimes too selfish and self-absorbed to see that it would be better for them.

Merry - posted on 07/20/2011

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Yeah I agree, there is a sadness when babies font get the 'perfect' family.
But if it can't be perfect then we have to think of what's the best situation possible.
Be with a mom who birthed you but can't properly care for you, or be adopted by a family that aren't biologically yours but can give you a more normal life.
It's tough call but I think more babies should be adopted instead of being raised by moms who are not equipped to care for them. But so many people believe it's better to 'make it work' and the baby ends up suffering from it.
Sure if you really honestly work at it a mom can shape up and be amazing for her kid but way too often moms have good intentions but end up just scraping by and the kid is along for the ride.

Tanya - posted on 07/20/2011

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Ugh, the sentiment that you can "too special" to stay with your mother actually disgusts me. The actual process of the ADOPTION is great (for the most part), but if you asked any newborn if they wanted to stay with their mother or not, what do you think their answer would be?


Yes, in some cases, the mother is a danger to her child, and that child would never thrive in her care. But, a lot of times, the mother just needed love and support. She might have actually been a really excellent mother, she just needed somebody to take her under their wing and show her the way.


The first time I looked at my newborn son, I suddenly realized where some of my issues came from. The thought of him being separated from me was absolutely devastating. He was born wanting me, knowing my voice, my smell, searching for my milk. It made me understand what I went through as a newborn. It's ALWAYS sad when a baby loses its mother, no matter what the circumstances.


Most adoptive families are awesome. I remember tearing up every time this one family came into the store where I worked. I commented to the mom one time about how great her (adopted) kids were, and she just got this look of awe on her face and said "Aren't they amazing?!?" That's beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. For them, being adopted was the best thing for them. But it's still sad that they had to be separated from their natural mother.

Tara - posted on 07/20/2011

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I disagree. Many parents today choose adoption not because they can't reproduce naturally, but because they don't want to. They want to offer a home to one of the millions of children in the world with no family, no support, no hope.
Nothing sad about that.
Sad for the child? Not really unless they are not told about their adoption, abused or treated poorly by their adoptive parents. That is sad, but it would be sad if they were the natural children as well.
Sad for the birth parents? Possibly, but again they made the choice that is best for their child, they would also have some happiness or at least contentment to know their children were "chosen" by a loving family to be raised in love and stability.

I know when my ex was growing up, talking about his or his sisters adoption was taboo, not allowed and was punishable. They knew they were adopted and were told that they were the luckiest kids around because they were actually "picked out" by the adoptive parents. They were told that they were special, too special to stay with their birth mothers and were placed in her (ex mil's ) care by the Lord to be loved and taught how to be a good person etc. etc.
A lot of their explanations were centered around God and how He gave these two children to these two parents because "he" knew they would be better off.
My ex searched for 12 years for his birth mother because he never felt like he fit in with the family. Even though he was an adult when he started his search (to protect his adopted mothers feelings he said). She still freaked out.

She called him crying, begging him not to find her, worried she would no longer be his mother, worried he would choose his bio mom over her. She was and is messed up though and I'm sure not the norm.

Anyhow, I think that is how people saw adoption 20 + years ago but not so much anymore.

Merry - posted on 07/20/2011

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I just found out my best friends little brother and his fiancee have committed to only adopting children. They dont want biological kids at all. Neither has genetic medical conditions, they aren't old, there's no 'reason' they can't birth their own kids they simply feel like there's enough people in the world already and they don't want to bring in more kids when there's so many wishing they could have a home.

They will make great parents :)

Tanya - posted on 07/19/2011

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Sara Stoneham, you hit the nail on the head! The Primal Wound, by Nancy Verrier, talks about adoption loss, for all members of the triad, but focuses on the feelings of the adoptee. It's an awesome book, and Nancy is an adoptive mother.


For all my mom's faults, she did understand adoption loss, and she never tried to "love it away". She acknowledged it, and it was always safe to talk about it with her.


There is also a lot of silence about adoption, at least on the part of the adoptees. I've talked to many, many adoptees online who had all sorts of feelings that they hid from their parents, both adoptive and natural. My natural parents, for instance, have no clue that I was abused as a child. I would never dream of burdening them with that. They just did what they felt was best for me. I know it would absolutely kill them to know the truth. They are already very sad that I grew up without a father. Thankfully, since reuniting with my natural parents, I now have the Dad I always wanted!

Jane - posted on 05/06/2011

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Ever since I was a little girl I wanted a "rainbow family." By definition, such a family has to include at least some adoptions. I cannot see the sadness in these adoptions, other than the inevitable pain a birth mother might feel about giving up her baby in the face of maternal hormones. And such adoptions are not a second choice.

In fact, there are many members of our church who have both had biological children and adopted children by choice. At least in our mind and theirs, adoption is not second choice. It's just another way to create a family.

After several years of trying, my husband and I discovered that we probably wouldn't be able to have biological children without expensive and complicated procedures. However, we had already discussed adoption even before we married. We both agreed that any child we raised would be our child, whether biologically related to us or not. And, in fact, we have raised two wonderful kids who came to us when their birth parents chose us. We are still close to one of the birth parents and have been to visit several times. We consider their family as an extension of our family.

I know my daughter is not sad about being raised by someone other than her biological parents, and I know that my son enjoys the fact that he has more than his fair share of parents. So I fail to see the truth of this "sadness." And as far as I can tell, family culture is a stronger bond than genetics (or "blood") can ever be.

SARA - posted on 05/06/2011

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I believe that there is always a sadness for a child that they have not been raised by their birth parents and that if an adoptive parent can acknowledge their own sadness, that their adoptive child has no blood link, one can help understand the child's feelings better as they seek to find their own identity.

Medic - posted on 04/19/2011

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I was adopted and I know my birth mom and I do not feel at all like it is a sad choice. My parents chose me and my mom chose them. I have two children that are biologically mine but we are planning to adopt older children through the foster system because I feel like that is my little way of passing it forward. These are kids that do not have a chance unless they are adopted. We have plenty of love to give and want a large family.

Merry - posted on 04/19/2011

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Veronique, there are women and men who DO choose adoption over biological children. Some people really do see adoption as first choice.
Maybe they are conscious about the population and really want to be a part of the solution not the problem.
Maybe they have witnessed children needing homes enough that they feel much more happiness from adopting then creating their own.
Maybe the woman doesnt want to put her body through pregnancy and birth so she prefers to adopt.
Maybe they don't like their biological families and don't want to continue the gene line.

Sure most people preferr their own bio kids, but there are some who prefer to adopt.

Veronique - posted on 04/19/2011

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I can see how mothers who adopte and vice versa might see it as a second choice. Doesn't mean it's a bad choice, but anyone who says they would prefer to adopt a child over having there own are not being very truthful. Like i said it doesn't mean it's a bad choice but do you really think a mother putting her child up for adoption that, that was her first choice NO she had no choice but to give that child the best life possible and have a stranger raise her child and have that child call someone else mommy. And for the mother who adopts, yes she's happy and grateful to have a child and will give that child all her love and give it a great life but if she had to choose between having life inside her and giving birth and knowing that that's your blood well don't you think that that would be her first choice. Again adoption is a beautiful thing for the adopted parents but yeah i still think that it is and will always be a second choice.
There i might get heat for this but it's still my opinion.

Tinker1987 - posted on 04/14/2011

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I dont think adoption is sad.The woman adopting might be sad for not having to be pregnant but i think that is something they accept and deal with before adopting.but once they are blessed with adopting a child i would imagine both party's are happy. i considered the thought of adopting even though i can have babies.but i would love to give a home too a child in need for a loving family and home to call their own! My fiance was adopted and has known so for years,and he never felt out of place growing up.

Stifler's - posted on 04/14/2011

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Oh God if we ever want a third child, it'll be adoption of an older child who is past the baby stuff or nothing.

Rosie - posted on 04/14/2011

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i personally would never want to adopt if i can have my own kids without problems conceiving. not sure what i'd do if i couldnt' conceive. i know i'd try ivf first before adoption. to me i don't feel i would be able to love an adopted child the way i love my biological children. i know it's possible to do, my step dad loves me and treats me the same as his biological son with my mother.

i may be proven wrong when i would get that adopted child, but i don't want to take that chance and not be all that i could be to that child.

LaCi - posted on 04/14/2011

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Adoption isn't always the "second choice"

Before I had my son I only wanted to adopt kids. I didn't see a reason as to why I needed to actually HAVE a kid when there are already so many. It was my first choice, actually, I just didn't make it there before the *surprise*. I still want to.

Jenni - posted on 04/14/2011

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My sister is an RN at a large metropoliton sick children's hospital. She's worked in children's hospices as well. She made the decision 5 years ago that she is opting to adopt over having biological children. As far as she knows she is able to have her own biological children. At first I thought it was a passing notion based on her fear of child birth. She first told me about her decision when she was 20 yo, now at 25 she is still very adament about her choice. Although her and her finance are planning a wedding and paying off student loans, they are not ready for children. But they've both decided to adopt first.

[deleted account]

Of course, happiness and joy will always overshadow the feelings of sadness in these situations.:-)

Emily - posted on 04/13/2011

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I don't see it as a sad thing at all. I have two children of my own, and we are trying for another... but if my husband would allow it, I would definitely adopt. (Either a baby or an older child; it wouldn't matter to me.) I love the idea of giving a loving home to a child who might otherwise do without. There's nothing sad in that.

Merry - posted on 04/13/2011

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I don't think it's always a second choice, it's a different choice, sometimes secondary to couples who couldn't conceive, but some couples have adoption as their first choice. I wanted to conceive my own children, but I always plan on adopting when I'm older and don't want to be pregnant any more. So for me right now birthing my own babies is my first choice, but when I'm a bit older my first choice will change to adoption. Nothing sad about it to me!

Jodi - posted on 04/13/2011

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I think that is a really sad way to view it. All of my mum's cousins were adopted (neither of her aunt's could have their own children), so this is my experience with 6 adopted kids. Obviously they are all adults now....

Anyway, not ONE of them has even attempted to contact their birth parents because they feel that they were *chosen* by their parents, and that this is a special thing. The rest of us don't get to choose our kids. But to adopt a child, they REALLY want them. Sure, they have had their challenges, but I don't think it has ever occurred to them that they were a second choice. That's just a sad perspective.

Elfrieda - posted on 04/13/2011

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I think that in the moment there are mixed emotions for birth mother and adoptive parents, but I think if you check on them a year later, everybody would be really happy. I don't see the "second choice" thing. If you wanted to look at it that way you could, but the oldest child could also look at any younger siblings as, "oh, I wasn't what my parents wanted, they're trying again". You can get hurt feelings anywhere.

I am not closed to the idea of adoption, either. I have one biological son, but I'm 29 already and I'd like a big family. (also the first year is not my favourite part) It might work very nicely to have the benefits of a whole herd of kids for us, and the benefits of a loving family for some kids who need it.

Two of my cousins are adopted. As teenagers, each of them struggled a bit with "who am I and what is my place", but this is in the era of closed adoptions where it's really hard to get any info. My older cousin now has very limited contact with her birth mother's family, and it's interesting to see how her son looks like his birth cousin. I think it helps, although we are still her real family.

Friends of mine didn't want to get pregnant, they wanted to adopt. They adopted a boy from Korea, and then 3 years later adopted a girl. By accident, 3 months after the girl joined their family they got pregnant. Now they have three kids! It's a bit harder in that situation, since two of the kids look different from the other, and we live out in the boonies, where everybody is white. But they do their best to make sure that their kids know where they come from, going to Korean cultural centres in Toronto a few times a year for various parties they have there. They make a nice family. There are special challenges with adopting, but there are special challenges unique to every family.

Stifler's - posted on 04/13/2011

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I don't think adoption is sad. Sad for the mother who will never know their child if she doesn't want an open adoption. But it's not sad for the child who is going to a loving home or the adoptive parents who are blessed with a child.

Amanda - posted on 04/13/2011

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Adttionally I believe in Birth mother support in each aspect even in her choice if she changes her mind she must be backed 150 percent to if she needs shelter or medical bills.

Amanda - posted on 04/13/2011

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Ya sooo true i see your perspective as well, That is also my perspective and you are so right it does have to be done right....:)

[deleted account]

Adoption is wonderful, if its done right.If the mother isn't forced into it.I also think its a gift.:-)
Its sad in a sense.Even though a mother knows its the best choice for there baby, the feel sad and its like a loss in a way to.Sometimes the hardest choices are the best but that does not mean to say a mother should feel happy right away.I think if i adopted a child i would also feel a sense of saddness for the other mother.How could you not.Its not an easy choice.For many.

Amanda - posted on 04/13/2011

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I see adoption as a beautiful gift and positive because the other option would be abortion and i am (pro life). I can see sadness from both partys but its sad to think that adopton is looked at as "sad".

Tah - posted on 04/13/2011

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It's not always that way. Some people can and do have children of their own and still adopt to give other children a chance. Now for women who can't get pregnant I'm sure there is a feeling they may have missed out on the being pregnant etc but it doesn't make them any less the parent. In a case like that yes, I can see some sadness but it being overshadowed by the joy they feel in being parents now. My daughter's stepmother is having a problem getting pregnant so they adopted a brother and sister, I think they were like 2 and 5 or something along those lines and they seem happy, but I'm sure she would love to have a biological child with sydneys dad as well, and she may, she's not yet 30 and they have been married about 4 years so who knows what the future holds. It depends on the situation.

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