advice please

Nikkole - posted on 08/01/2011 ( 21 moms have responded )

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My mom has been teaching my 3 1/2 yr old to play fight and punch and hit and kick, well he has been doing it a LOT latley and when he is mad too i need advice on how to get him to stop. I have told my mother that she needs to cut it out but she thinks fighting is fun and that he needs to learn to defend himself blah blah blah i am soo stressed about it i don't know what to do!

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Kellie - posted on 08/01/2011

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Oh Nikkole he won't be evil, most kids roughhouse at some point. The Karate will may actually be a bigger help than you realise as it teaches that it's about mind/body/soul connection and is only used for defence not as a right to fight or for fighting.

I know tears etc aren't fun, however these people no matter what their relationship to you have no right to make you feel this way. So tell them as many times as it needs to be said, this is my child and I don't want him fighting and thinking it's ok to hit people. When she engages him in this behaviour, remove him from it. Say come on bubba lets go play with the truck or whatever in a different room. If she follows keep moving away from her until she gets it, that she won't be playing with her grandson until she respects you.

Her issues are her issues, don't let her make them yours.

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 08/01/2011

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My father rasied my sisters and I to never ever start a fight unless
1. they were picking on one of us
2. they landed the first blow

And then after that he taught us to go all out, even if we did not win as long as we tried. our best to defend and protect each other. One of many times defending my sisters (because that is the only time I ever actually fought) I was about 7years old almost 8 and this older girl of about 13 threw a rock at my little sister of 5 (I cant remember why…it could have been an accident, but she did not apologize) anyway made her cry, just seeing my baby sister cry pissed me off, and soo I found the closet thing I could which happened to be a brick and threw it at her hitting her in the stomach ( at the time I did not think to go tell I just reacted to my sister hurt and since I was little and could not take her on I found an object). My dad later said he watched the whole thing from the window and was proud of me.

In your mothers mind she may have a good reason as to why it is important for him to know how to defend him slef…does he go to daycare? Are other kids picking on him? Either way he is 3 and they (and as we can see) don’t comprehend when you use your fighting skills and when you don’t.

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 08/01/2011

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I’ll be honest they may not work for you, but after you get a list of things you can do whatever you decided to try stick with it for at least a week or two..maybe longer
Repetition is key, when you switch form this to that…they don’t get the clearest picture on what’s okay and not okay

Kellie - posted on 08/01/2011

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Well then visits with Grandma stop until she can respect you and the fact you don't want your son engaging in this behaviour.

When he's doing this as a reaction to his emotions, talk to him and find a more positive outlet for his anger/frustration or whatever his issue may be.

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 08/01/2011

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I was having the same problem with my 16month old, but it was his 8year old brother play fighting with him and Dad egging it on(laughing and smiling as they would play fight) It got bad when he started to hit his girl cousins I would feel Sooo bad that I stopped taking him over to their house for a whole month until I knew he was getting the picture.

What I did was put my foot down and say no more play fighting, and when my 16month old son goes to hit I let everyone know don’t laugh and you tell him “No hit, Kiss Mikah” and then smile big…It did not work over night and it took repetition and reminding those around him not to laugh.(but now some months later he gets it and I trust him a bit more around his cousins…as a matter of fact a few weeks ago he backed his girl cousin into the wall and would NOT stop kissing her…LOL she is 23months and so she took off running)

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Charlie - posted on 08/03/2011

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I also think you should never threaten her with any thing you wont follow through with or she wont take you seriously.

Also it might be good to remind her there is vast difference between learning to fight and learning to defend.

[deleted account]

I know how you feel on this one as my mother and I have kncoked heads on things I dont like her doing with my kids over the years. Sadly it took me taking a very big stand before she got that I meant it. My own fault as I had allowed to much and by the time I was strong enough to put my foot down it was a bit of a shock to her. You also need to do this. Look my mother still doesnt agree with my views but she HAS learned they are MY kids and I WILL nip it in the bud if she does something I dont like with my kids.

Casey - posted on 08/03/2011

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He's bloody THREE....you are his defender. My advice is take a stern stand. Hitting is NOT allowed and there need to be consequences for that behaviour (whatever you use as discipline in your home). I would also take a very firm stand with your mother. This is YOUR child, not hers and she needs to understand that at his age, it is your decision what he is exposed to. If she cannot stop teaching that behaviour, then her contact may need to be supervised or limited. I know that sounds harsh, but perhaps at that point she will take you seriously.

Melissa - posted on 08/03/2011

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I didn't think about that Feen i had my son in a martial arts class just after he turned 5 and he completed the 6 weeks class and still didn't really understand it so i didn't keep him in it, and thought i would wait until he was a little older if he wanted to go back, but she did make a good point about the classes. There are exceptions, but it all depends how the classes are taught.

Charlie - posted on 08/02/2011

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There is a good reason why martial arts practices ( around here ) will not take children until they are at least 5 years old , learning the art of self defence is very important and something my children will learn when they are capable of comprehending the teaching and philosophy behind it .

Once a child is old enough to learn self defense it should actually do the opposite , it works to self centre and find discipline .

3 and a half is too young if her real intent is to teach them self defense.

[deleted account]

well i agree with you mom he should learn how to defend himself but it also needs to be in a disciplined way. Have a serious talk with him on how he is only allowed to play fight with grandma and he is only allowed to real fight when someone has hit him first so he can defend himself. Tell him he should never use his fight moves when he his angry or towards family and friends. i would just explain to him when it is ok and when it isnt.

[deleted account]

Don't tell her we're not cave men anymore and we don't need to defend our territories or fight for food....I said that to my mom and it didn't go over too well...

Melissa - posted on 08/02/2011

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kids who are taught to fight will learn that is right, i think you are right in not wanting him to do it all the time. Sometimes, as a play thing with Grandma, on occassion fine, but on a regular basis it shouldn't be happening. A kid who sees it regularly will pick up on it and will be the bully and will do it at school. Keep working with your son, and give your mom as little time alone with him as possible, i know sometimes if you are a single parent you may have to leave him alone with your mom. But try to limit it if you can.

Kate CP - posted on 08/02/2011

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Well if she's going to act like a child I would treat her like a child. The next time you see them playing like that step in and say "We do not play fight in this house" pick up your son and find something else for him to do. Never leave them alone together and always explain to your son that we don't hurt the people we love. If you love some one you don't hit them. Hands are for hugging and helping, not for hitting and hurting.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/02/2011

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What about telling her how it made you feel growing up, and you don't want your child to feel or act like you did?

Violence to be violent is not something any of us should be teaching our kids. I definitely think you need to drill it into her head that this is not the way you want to raise your child. That if she cannot respect that, and it continues she will have to find another place to live.

I highly doubt you will need to follow through with that threat, but if you have to, it will be for the best. I know you said your mom is going through a divorce, and I know that you said she did this with you when you were a kid also, but I almost wonder if she is taking her aggression out with "play fighting" with your son.

Nikkole - posted on 08/01/2011

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well she always thinks she right lol shes has a very strange personality! But thanks :)

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 08/01/2011

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Well I hope she can see your point of view and does not get offended or upset…why would she? But eh you never know.

Nikkole - posted on 08/01/2011

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No he stays home with me all day he will be going to pre school next year and thats why im trying to nip this in the bud i don't want him going to school and hitting. I told my mom he will learn to defend himself and his sister when the time comes i will have a talk with him explaining the difference and right and wrong but at 3 he dosen't know play fighting and real fighting but im hoping having me and my husband talk to her again will help

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 08/01/2011

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I just want to add He is 3 and does not need to know how to “fight” I mean who is he fighting?? Or who does he need to protect himself from at this age…you can let her know when he is in school then we can teach him to defend himself..but right now its back firing and he is hitting when he is upset.

Nikkole - posted on 08/01/2011

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@Kellie thank you :) i will def try that and i hope it works! Im also going to have my husband talk to her to because we both feel this way maybe that will help also!

Nikkole - posted on 08/01/2011

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Well right now we live with my mother (she is going through a divorce and we are helping her pay the bills and stuff) But she has ALWAYS been like this with me and my sisters growing up she taught us to fight young and i got into a fight in high school and she bough me an ice cream and praised me for winning (i was 16) I thought that was VERY odd but what could i do! My sister is 18 she is bi polar she hit, she talks to my mother like she is dirt and i think it all has to do with my moms attitude and parenting of course. She thinks if you don't fight your a big" Wiener" which is VERY wrong. I will be putting him in Karate next year he will be old enough so he can learn to respect fighting and others and ONLY to use it to defend himself . My mom is the type who acts all big and bad but when i confront her she gets mad and pouts and cry's. She will ALWAYS argue with me about this subject when my husbadn is at work and not around my grandmother (my moms mom) also thinks im overreacting and that my son will be fine and not have any problems but i feel ganged up on and its getting to the point im crying about it becasue im soo stressed out i don't want evil children because of this!

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