Advice please?

Deborah - posted on 03/07/2012 ( 25 moms have responded )

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I know this isn't really the 'best' place for a thread like this, but I know the women here are 'active' and well-versed in expressing thoughts, so even though it's not a 'debate', I still feel like you ladies will have some great input on my little problem. Sorry for posting 'off topic', but thanks in advance for any advice.



So I have two children. A beautiful, smart, impressive little girl who will be 4 this April, who always garners positive comments from strangers because of her ability to speak very clearly and that she is smart enough to actually have conversations...



I have a son who will be 2 in March. He is an absolute ball of energy! He's determined, and he'll be the kind of boy who knows what he wants when he gets older. Very energetic...I call him my "Monster Baby" because...well.... he is. He's not 'bad', he's just, well, a Monster.



When I had my daughter I felt like a good, no..a Great parent. A great mother. I had all the patience in the world (a vast majority of the time), and it was so easy to accomplish most of my goals with her. The only things I didn't really manage were getting her to hold her bottle, and sleeping through the night...she didn't do that until after she turned 1.



My son destroyed the fact that I had any confidence in my level of patience. There are days when I feel like I start out in the negative on my patience meter because he is the kind of boy who only listens when he wants to. If he wants something, he'll get it, or you're gonna pay. He isn't really talking yet, although I know he can (I've heard him), so communication with him is VERY difficult.



Now I'm 23 weeks into my third, and final, pregnancy (All 3 were unplanned...whoops). I wasn't sure I even wanted a 3rd after my son, but here I am. I am confident that I don't want any more, so I'm having my tubes tied. I really wanted a girl because my daughter was an absolute ANGEL when she was an infant. She'd cry to express need, but no other time. She'd cry if she were cranky, but a cuddle and a bottle and her nap time wrapped that up. Compared to my Son, she was the PERFECT baby. She still pushes and challenges me, but she's supposed to do that.



I found out yesterday that I'm having a boy (My son and my bun have the same father). There are three reasons I'm slightly disappointed...1. I wanted a Mini-Me, because neither of my children have any sort of strong resemblance to me. My daughter looks like her dad's mother, and my son is DEFINITELY his daddy. I think he has my hair (texture, color) but that's it. 2. It was probably the hardest thing I've EVER done to decide on a name for my son with his dad, because we don't agree on what 'Unique' means when it comes to names... (*I think Girl names have a LOT more variety) 3. My son was so difficult, I'm afraid of going through 'his' infancy again...I was nervous when I was pregnant with my daughter, with my son I was confident I could parent well during my pregnancy. My son has done a wonderful job of destroying my 'parenting' self confidence. I'm terrified I'll have to go through the same things with this one.



I have moments when thoughts of my new little man excite me, but for the most part a dark side of me wants to cry at the notion of another bull-headed little world of frustration. I know the whole 'highs and lows" of pregnancy are natural, but the 'lows' are definitely outweighing the 'highs'. I also know that every pregnancy/baby/child is different, and there's a high probability that this one will not be like his brother (My son and daughter are obviously like the Sun and Pluto) but I still can't get past the idea of going through another 'monster baby infancy'.



Anyone else have this kind of a problem? Any advice?

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/07/2012

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I don't have a huge amount of time, but maybe this will set your mind at ease. My son came fisrt, and he was the best baby and kid you could ask for. He did sleep through the night at 6 weeks, I made all his baby food, he was so easy and awesome. My sister would be jealous of how good he was, and tell me he is not the typical kid. I blew her off. Then, i had my daughter. Wholly fucking shit! She is CRAZY! I mean, NUTZ! She is totally polar opposite to my son. You never know how they are going to be. I had an awesome boy, and a cuckoo girl. your next kid could be like either one of them, or totally different. Don't peg him for anything until you get to know him. I know it can be dissappointing when you are not having the sex that you want, and I know others will say that there is no reason to be upset, but I get it.



There is a reason you are having another boy. This does not automatically mean he will be difficult cause he is a boy. Hell, my son was perfect, and my girl has been hell. So, you just never know.

Mrs. - posted on 03/08/2012

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I think the ladies have pretty much covered the no kid is a like thing.



I was a bit worried when I read this though:

"I have moments when thoughts of my new little man excite me, but for the most part a dark side of me wants to cry at the notion of another bull-headed little world of frustration. I know the whole 'highs and lows" of pregnancy are natural, but the 'lows' are definitely outweighing the 'highs'"



The only reason this worries me is because of my own experience and it may be colouring my advice - so you can take it or leave it. I had a pretty serious PPD period and for me, it started, looking back afterward during my pregnancy. I too

Michelle - posted on 03/08/2012

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My 2 boys are complete opposites and from the same father. My oldest was a screamer from the day he was born till about 5 months!!!!! He is now almost 11 and is a very bright, artistic and sensitive young man. He's always thinking about the feelings of others.



My 2nd boy was the baby that everyone wishes for. Slept well and never screamed. He is now 8 and a ball of energy. He's always running around and lives in his own world most of the time. He is still quiet compared to his brother but when he gets going you need to block your ears!!!



I guess I typed this to let you know that just because 2 kids are the same sex and from the same parents, they can still be complete opposites. Please don't judge your unborn son before he even arrives, he may just surprise you.

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Mrs. - posted on 03/08/2012

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I think the ladies have pretty much covered the no kid is a like thing.



I was a bit worried when I read this though:

"I have moments when thoughts of my new little man excite me, but for the most part a dark side of me wants to cry at the notion of another bull-headed little world of frustration. I know the whole 'highs and lows" of pregnancy are natural, but the 'lows' are definitely outweighing the 'highs'"



The only reason this worries me is because of my own experience and it may be colouring my advice - so you can take it or leave it. I had a pretty serious PPD period and for me, it started, looking back afterward during my pregnancy. I too was have a great deal of anxiety and having more lows than highs. I wish I had spoken up to my doctor about it beforehand, I would have been a lot more prepared for the PPD when it hit full on.



I don't want to scare you or makes things worse than they seem. I just think it might be a good idea to just run these thoughts by a professional pre-birth and see if it might be helpful. It might also help you build some confidence back up about your parenting and blow off some steam about the kids you already have.



Sorry, I just had some alarm bells go off in my head with some of your wording and some of the distancing you feel towards your son.



I could totally be wrong. I just wouldn't feel right if I didn't say anything.



I've been told that early intervention with PPD can be very helpful in the treatment and management of it. If I can help someone avoid a long, drawn out PPD experience..it is worth going off in the wrong direction on a message board.



I hope I'm wrong and wish you the best.

Deborah - posted on 03/08/2012

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Thanks ladies, you've all been a really big help :)



@Valerie:



I"m terribly sorry to hear of your difficulty with your twin girls. I honestly could not IMAGINE what it would be like to have twins! I mean I like the 'idea' of it but on a 'practical' or realistic level, absolutely not... It would be exhausting.



I remember being 16, and it wasn't really a pleasant time for me either...the only thing that someone could have told me (and I would have listened to) was that Mom wants to know what is going on because she needs to know, not because she is trying to be a tyrant... Parents seem to have problems letting their children start down the path to adulthood, because they are never ready for it......which they aren't, but they have to start down that way at some point... allowing them certain DESERVED freedoms helps to encourage the 'right' behavior in order to learn more...my mom kept me pretty much under her thumb until I moved out, and reality hit me like a brick Sh*thouse because I had no idea what I was doing. Took me a while to adapt, but if she'd have been a little more generous with allowing me to grow up, I Don't think it would have been nearly as difficult to handle all the newfound freedoms I encountered.



I have no idea the 'details' of your situation but I hope that helps...? Another important lesson that would have served me well at that age is the whole "Honesty leads to less severe punishments"....my mom was NOT that kind of mom, so it didn't apply, but I plan on enacting that with my children. Honesty should be rewarded, even if the crime is something less-that deserves something worse...



Good luck though...I think you'll need it.

Tracie - posted on 03/08/2012

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Just because he has the same genitalia doesn't mean he'll have the same personality. Worrying is praying for something you don't want to happen. Let go of the what ifs and enjoy your last time being pregnant. You'll get what you get and you'll deal with it. There is no other option! Best of luck to you and your precious babies!!

Sherri - posted on 03/08/2012

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Don't worry. No two babies are ever the same. I have 4 boys and not a one has been the same to parent, they are all so vastly different. My oldest very easy going, my second the spawn of satan. LOL., my third was pure gold, the easiest by far of any of them, my 4th well he is only 3wks old but if these 3wks are any indication, he is going to be very challenging.

Vegemite - posted on 03/08/2012

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I get what you're saying I have two boys 21 months apart.

My oldest (4) is like your son. Just the other day I was in tears to my husband because I couldn't stand someone I'm supposed to love, yep sometimes he's that frustrating and hard to handle. He's not always naughty but knows exactly what he wants, is very intelligent and head strong. I beleive these traits will serve him well when he's older. He's a mini me in every way.



My youngest (2) is as easy as a sunday stroll. He always listens, does what is asked of him, knows how to comunicate well, is sensitive to how others are feeling and is always happy.



Be assured that just because you are having another boy doesn't mean your sons will be the same.

Valerie - posted on 03/08/2012

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I had the exact opposite of you. My first born was my boy... he was the world's easiest baby... greatest kid.. good grades, respectful, easy learner for everything.. just all in all a WONDERFUL child. He is now 21, and I can proudly still say all those traits he carried with him into adulthood and he is such a wonderful person/man. I wanted a girl when I was ready for my next child... well... I got twin girls... I was so excited... my own little girls... dress them up cute and pretty, have tea parties and do "girl" things.. mini me's.... Well.... I have to say that my girls (now they are 16 years old) have been fireballs since the day they were born... they easily fit into the "monster child" category.. and there's two of them.. at the same time.. at the same age... and every year I think "OK, it's gotta get better now".. well.... it's not any better, it's worse.. I know we will all get through this (alive hopefully as they are unfortunately going down a very dangerous path of drug addiction and very bad choices).... So, I don't think it's really a boy/girl thing.. I think it's more of an individual thing.. and these difficult children that some of us have are here for a reason. What that reason is, I don't know yet.. but they are here and we can only love and nurture and guide and hope they take those strong personality traits that they have and use them for good when they get to adulthood.., Good luck!! Hang in there.. and as hard as it is, try not to compare as this upcoming bouncing baby boy may restore your faith in what a good mother you are! ;)

Bonnie - posted on 03/08/2012

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"So on the days you're having a hard time liking your son repeat this-with a boy you only have to worry about one dick with a girl you have to worry about all the dicks."



Kelina, my husband says this a lot. Although it is true, at the same time, a guy can get way too many girls pregnant.

[deleted account]

I know how you feel! I had an "easy" girl then a "difficult" boy and when I was pregnant with no 3 I was really worried it would be another boy because I just felt that I couldn't face it. I actually had another girl, so that's where our stories diverge.



But anyway - I just want to say that my little boy who cried and cried for the first three months, and then continued whinging and carrying on for the next few years, is now a fantastic 9 year old who I am really proud of. He is the smart one out of my kids, he has a great sense of humour and although he still takes a lot of energy to "control" him, he really is a pleasure to have around.



So don't feel that you will always be at this difficult phase of life with your boy - keep up the consistent discipline, and he may well turn out great!

Stifler's - posted on 03/08/2012

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I am the opposite, my second restored my faith in humanity. The first was how you describe your son as a baby and still is full on into everything. I am never having a third. I have no idea how I even wanted to conceive a second. That really wasn't helpful. But I think we all have moments of WHY GOD WHY DID I HAVE KIDS. Your third may be nothing like the first 2.

Sally - posted on 03/08/2012

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I have 3 .2 boys and a girl. All are different. You may not think it but you will have picked up some awesome parenting skills. Yes there will be times when your ready to sit and rock while you dribble. The fact that you have the guts to aknowledge you feel like this ,tells me your be ok. ♥

Kelina - posted on 03/07/2012

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On days when all else fails, you've locked your kids in their bedrooms and gone into the bathroom to cry, laugh, and hit something all at the same time-a I'm right there with you. My son is such a wonderful, independent, quiet little boys who responds to me very well. My daughter is a nightmare. A loveable nightmare but a nightmare nonetheless. i'm currently 24 weeks pregnant with number 3. So on the days you're having a hard time liking your son repeat this-with a boy you only have to worry about one dick with a girl you have to worry about all the dicks. There's no guarantee that this boy will be anything like his brother or his sister. He could be somewhere in between, he could be better than either or worse than either, or even just different. Change your parenting to fit the child. And don't be afraid to put them someplace safe and give in to your hormones! one thing I did find my daughter has responded wonderfully to is when she gets to be too much for me if I put her in her room to play by herself after about 3 minutes of screaming in her door she turns into this whole other child. Happily playing by herself laughing and giggling. Stumbled onto that one by accident when She refused to stay out fo the dishwasher while I was unloading and loading it one night an kept taking out the butcher knife. by the time i went to get her I didn't want to take her out of her room! of course as soon as she saw me that was it, she was done but it was a beautiful 10 minutes of peace.

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 03/07/2012

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All I can say and hope it helps. Is that of what other's here have said.



Don't be so hard on yourself. You are a good mom. Everything you just said states that to me. You know babies and their needs, which is the most important.



Yeah, the daddy doesn't sound too great with babies, hopefully, that will change with this one. Sometimes, it takes a first one to get it with the second one. ;)



In order to have a decent pregnancy though, please try to have high spirits. Your baby inside, needs it, as you do too. I fully believe that the less stressed you are the less stressed the baby is, which in turn helps them in having a softer tempermant. Yeah, may sound weird but, I really believe it. ;)



To me being able to have a child or many, is a blessing. Yep, they can drive us bonkers but they are so cutest little things when they are behaving.



Good luck Deborah. Best wishes with your new little bundle to come, in a few months.

Becky - posted on 03/07/2012

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I can definitely empathize with being disappointed about the gender. I just had my 3rd boy. When we found out he was going to be another boy, I cried. I was so sad. I've always wanted a daughter. I had a hard time the whole pregnancy with coming to grips with it. Now that he's here, I love him to death and wouldn't trade him for 100 daughters. But I'm still sad that he wasn't a girl. My husband says we're done. I'm hoping for an oops, and NOT a 4th boy! :)

But, I think he is the one who looks most like me. :) So far, it looks like he's going to be a redhead like me! Hopefully he'll have more of my temperment too, because my older boys are adorable and sweet and funny, but man, they are little terrors!

Just know that the way you are feeling is okay and it doesn't reflect on the kind of mother you are or how much you will love your new baby boy.

Deborah - posted on 03/07/2012

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When I say infancy, I do refer to my son's 'little' days, as in before a year. We still call him a 'baby' because, well, he still acts like one. He's definitely a toddler though, but "Monster baby" is a lot more fun to say than "Monster Toddler"...



My son HATED his dad at first...would cry more often than not when I handed him to dad...Until around 5 months, then they 'clicked'; I got out of the shower to my son making my fiance laugh by saying "Hi DADADADADA!" it was adorable, and the first time I'd seen him smile like that at his own son. But since they didn't have that connection beforehand, most, if not all of the 'baby care' fell on me... I was also breastfeeding, and he didn't find any 'validity' in the 'feeding bond'....I told him that feeding a baby forms a bond and he said "I"m not bonding with him, I'm just feeding him"



it took me a while to explain that it's not Him bonding with the baby, it's the baby bonding with him....yeah, He's pretty clueless when it comes to baby stuff, even if I explain it, he doesn't believe me *we just had a 'discussion' about 'spoiling' an infant...which isn't really possible...He also told me that my son was "too old to be suckin' on his momma's titty" when I had been breastfeeding for 6-7 months... Yeah he kinda sucks when it comes to babies...and instead of listening to me (being educated in it and all) he just stands by his own opinions and doesn't bother thinking about mine...



Off topic sorry...Anyway, I do cherish the younger days, my son did teach me that I didn't pay much 'attention' to my daughter's baby days, so it's not like I don't enjoy them. He's an adorable little terror, he does some of the sweetest things sometimes, but the stark contrast he has to my daughter is just mind-blowing. The fear that this one could be the same -- or worse -- is what is really getting to me...

Johnny - posted on 03/07/2012

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I don't have great advice. But I can tell you that my MIL had 3 kids. A sweet little girl first. An absolute monster second. And my husband, who was by all reports an absolute angel. His eldest sister, while terrorized by the middle brother, used to wake up my husband to play. He was that sweet. So don't assume your second son will come out anything like your first.



I have been fortunate to have a wonderful child the first time around that proved what a wonderful parent I am. If I have another, I have little doubt, I am in for a big reality check.

Hope - posted on 03/07/2012

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I have 3 wonderful boys, each with there own quirks. They are all unique in their own way. Each have different personalities and each have their own way of pressing my buttons.

From my experience, you can't tell how they are going to turn out just by know there sex. Each child, weather boy or girl is different and has there know personality.

Bonnie - posted on 03/07/2012

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Deborah, I kind of know where you are coming from. I am 25 weeks pregnant with my third. I will have all boys. I have always (since I was a kid) dreamed of having a daughter and wanted a daughter more than anything.



I was disappointed when I found out as this will be our last as well. I have talked it into myself that a healthy baby is truly the most important thing. Boys love their mamas. To be honest, coming from a mother who will have all boys and no girls, my second was a lot easier so far (in infant and toddler years) than my first, so who truly know what the third will be like.



The best thing you can tell yourself is you don't know what your third child will be like either. As the saying goes: "No two children are alike" (well for the most part anyways). Good luck!

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 03/07/2012

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Yes! I completely agree America3437!! Most definitely! It is sooo important to not miss a beat during the young years. Once they are teens, you will realize how darn fast it flew by. You will then be in very different territory. The young years are AWESOME, even if it doesn't feel like it when in the moment.



Cherish every single part of it. It will be gone in a blink of an eye. Next thing you know, they will be going to dances, the girl will be wanting makeup, doing her hair all pretty. My daughter drives me batty with all the "I need to look like I am going to a fashion show" crap.... sigh...



The boy will be looking for a girlfriend and doing what boys do (not sure yet, since mine is small)...



I know, I love every single moment of the infant and toddler years this time. I did not with my daughter. I just let it slide right by and now I regret it. I swore, with my boy, I will be a part of every little thing and not miss a beat. I am going to savoir it all.



Honestly, when my boy throws a wee tantrum, I get an internal kick out of it. I just find it sooo damn cute that he is expressing himself. I of course, don't let on I feel like that! LOL

Jennifer - posted on 03/07/2012

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Oh, yeah!! Been there sister!! You are not alone! My son was the perfect child, everywhere we went people sung my praises. My head was so big, it was amazing that I didn't need a hoist to get out of bed in the morning!! This story explains it all- I signed my son up for a study by a psych major. They put candy in a bowl on a table, I was to walk in, tell him no candy, and walk out. The adult who stayed in the room was to ask him questions and try to see how long it would take him to get a peice of candy, and what 'stories' he'd tell to justify it. He was kicked out of the study. He would not take the bait. LOL



My daughter, on the other hand, is different. She is a walking disaster area. If there was a way to make things harder on me, she'd find it!!! Even my pregnancy with her was harder!!



My youngest bio daughter is so like your third pregnancy. I wanted a boy. I was disappointed. I even cried, lots. But she is a different kid. She is difficult in her own ways. We are making it through. I love them all and would never trade a second with them!



My oldest girl is 17. She still can push buttons and have me twisted in knots. But when I tell stories, she is usually the subject. Like any old soldier, it's the war stories that you tell with a mix of amusement and wonder. We laugh at some of the worst moments we went through, and I'm sure we will someday laugh at what she is putting me through now. But that will be a few years...........

America3437 - posted on 03/07/2012

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I truley mean this......Enjoy these days! You will miss them!!!! I have three myself and none were planned. There were deffiently days where I was soooo done! I had many times of doubt and fear and anxiety but, some how it all works out. I did have three very good babies who developed into three very challenging toddlers and are now growing into young adults. I really miss those mornings of spilled cheerioes and fits but wouldn't change a minute of it. Every day is a challange but embrace it with an open mind and just think one day this will all be a memory so make the best of it. Listen to what they say,laugh at their jokes,look at every thing they want to show you,kiss every boo-boo,don't cry over spilled milk(best advice ever) pick and choose your battles,demand respect and hug often cause the day is fast approaching when they will want nothing nore from you then food,money and clean clothes!

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 03/07/2012

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Deborah---

I must first of all express that it is very courageous of you to put your heart out here and seek advice. I admire that greatly. I think you will find everyone will be very supportive and provide you with idea's or thoughts that, hopefully, will put your mind at ease. Also, give you some structured guidance on how to get through these difficult times.



Secondly, please don't think you are a bad parent. You are, I am sure, a wonderful parent. You are seeking advice because you care.



Yep, you are right. Every single child is different. I have also learnt this. My daughter was a very easy baby, she had (and still does) a passive, easy going type of temperament but, my son? He is different by far. He is definitely stubborn, to say the least. However, I know I am a good parent (and so are you). He is just opposite of his sister, for whatever reason out of my control. I have found that I have slightly had to adjust how I parent him from how I would parent my daughter.



Just to gain a bit more insight.... When you say infancy are you speaking of before a year old? In what ways was your current son a monster baby infant?



I know for me, I have had to slightly adjust how I discipline one as how I did the other. My son gets more time-outs and gets to let his frustrations out, on his own. It never lasts long though but, I let him be when he is in that "mood".



I look forward to hearing more information. In the meantime, take it easy. Don't stress yourself out (I know easy for someone else to say eh'?). Never forget you are a good Mom, you just may need to adjust things slightly, so they come out more often in your favour than not. ;)



ETA: Actually, I have "heard" boys are easier. I think, over time, my boy is going to be easier than my girl is now! LOL She is a teen and my goodness, if only I could send her back to being an infant/toddler... ;) No, it isn't terrible, she is a good girl but, she definitely tries my patience at times. I have to worry about so much more with her too, she is soooo darn sensitive. **eye roll**

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/07/2012

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I also felt like "super mom" with my son, and with my daughter, some days my will to jump off the bridge is pushed closer to the edge ;P

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