Ah the discipline debate!

Amanda - posted on 11/06/2010 ( 32 moms have responded )

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Hey I'm new to the community and was really interested after reading a few posts! I have an interesting little debate well honestly I just want to hear some input on the situation! I have 4 children ages 7,4,3 and 2. I am 24, and am engaged to a man who has no children! My 2 youngest childrens' father sees them every other weekend when possible since he is active in the military and my 2 oldest childrens' father sees them every other weekend and that just started about a month ago and he had not seen them in almost a year before that because he is honestly not a good father and didn't care to see them! So I pretty much have been the one and only person to actually discipline all of them! My 7 yr old is my only son and he was the hardest one to discipline since he was my first and was my lil man! Lol...but my girls all 3 younger ones kind of followed rules and listen rather well! My son has came a long way ecspecially after everything he's been through! I'm just wondering what form of discipline do other moms use? Is it effective? I do daycare in my home as well and I don't use any physical form of punishment at all! I have found that it isn't greatly accepted as I have tried it with my son some years ago. I use a time out method and place the child who is acting out or not following rules in a designated chair and they sit there for a minute per yr of their age and when the time is up I get down to their level and ask them what happened, why it happened and what they are going to different. I also explain why I put them in timeout and what I expect them to do next time. I explain why they can't do what they got in trouble for doing as well. I also use an approach I kind of just made up after doing childcare in my home. I take the child or sometimes children involved in the situation to a seperate room, give each of them a turn to talk about the incident than make a final ruling of what should happen. Examples being grounding for my older children, loss of privelages(bikes, toys, candy) if that's what the argument or fight was about. It works well! So I am looking forward to hearing what other moms or dads use as a form of discipline! :)

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[deleted account]

http://www.circleofmoms.com/positive-beh... (PBS -- Positive Behaviour Strategies - Solutions without Smacking)

I'm passionate about using positive discipline. I try and use natural or practical consequences whenever and wherever possible. I'm a work in progress and like any other job, things are always changing and I am always learning, adapting and modifying. I don't agree with any form of corporal punishment.

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[deleted account]

Me either, Lisa! I think it's pretty blurry in way too many instances and people just don't like to admit when they've crossed it. They're ashamed.

Line schmine!

Minnie - posted on 11/09/2010

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I guess I've never been able to define where that line of appropriateness lies.

Jodi - posted on 11/08/2010

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I would like to add, while I don't choose to use spanking as a form of discipline I don't have a problem with parents who do use *appropriately*. I do feel that MANY parents misuse spanking and it ends up being ineffective and mean instead of being an effective form of discipline. Spanking is not out of the question for me to use on my children, I just havn't had the need to yet and would like to avoid it if at all possible!

April - posted on 11/08/2010

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I like giving 2 choices that are very similar. For instance: Do you want to wear the red pants or the blue pants? Do you want broccoli or do you want peas?

Jodi - posted on 11/08/2010

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We use pretty much everything under the sun except spanking, swatting hitting etc etc. We always explain why what she did is inappropriate and give her a hug and kiss and tell her we love her after any form of discipline. She's had time outs, we use the 1-2-3 magic system, natural and logical consequences, removal of privileges etc etc, depends on what would work best for the situation at hand. My daughter is excellently behaved for 21 months and you'd never guess we're currently going through the terrible twos!!!!

September - posted on 11/08/2010

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I'm all for positive discipline methods and disciplining through Love and Logic methods as well and yes I find it to be very effective. We don’t use time outs, we don't take away privileges, we don’t spank and we don’t yell at our son. We do lots of explaining of emotions, offering other options and even a bit of redirection at this point. We have a very well behaved 2 year old. :)

April - posted on 11/08/2010

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apparently i'm talking too much when i do 1 2 3 magic. i'm supposed to give only one explanation in the beginning. and then start counting. humph! well..what i am doing works for me! goes to show you that you can come up with what works for your family....

Kate CP - posted on 11/08/2010

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My daughter is four and if she does something that requires discipline we remove privileges. If it's REALLY bad she'll lose multiple privileges and has to earn them back with good behavior. Works so far. :)

April - posted on 11/08/2010

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I do 1 2 3 magic with my 22 month old. It's great! He usually stops after 1. For it to work, it has to be done correctly. Here's what I do:

1. Put the candy down. (count to 5 in my head). That's 1!
2. Put the candy down (count to 5 in my head). That's 2.
3. Put the candy down (count to 5 in my head) That's 3! If I get to 3, I do the consequence. In this situation, I would have taken the desired object away from him. *The consequence is actually supposed to be time out by age in minutes, but my son is only 1, so i don't do time out yet*

http://www.parentmagic.com/popup-videocl...

April - posted on 11/08/2010

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My son is only 21 months old so up until now distraction and ignoring tantrums has worked but now I want him to follow things like picking up his toys so his father and I are just researching some different things to do. I think that is what makes us different then what we grew up in. We don't rely on our parents to tell us how we should discipline we research all kinds of methods.

Nikkole - posted on 11/08/2010

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Yea i DO NOT agree with spanking with objects or anywhere else but the hand or butt! I am very sorry you had to go through that! When i set my son in time out when his punishment is done i sit him down and say I LOVE you very much do you know why i sat you in the corner then i explain to him what he did and how he shouldn't do it even tho hes only 2 almost 3 i think he understands some! I only resort to spanking when its dangerous or time outs and talking doesn't work sometimes trying to talk with a almost 3 year old is hard lol!

April - posted on 11/08/2010

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When I was a child spanking was used a lot in my house and often with things other then hands like belts and so forth. I feel as though my parents never really talked about the behavior that was wrong or if they did they talked about it for hours and I never really understood. I would like to use some other way for my child because I feel like I must break the cycle but I find it hard as I was not open to a whole lot of research. I will look at the website that someone provided. And I do understand Nikkole that I as well have a good relationship with my mother but I also think I could have had better if the threat of being hurt wasn't there, but you have explained that your form of spanking was much different then mine.

Nikkole - posted on 11/08/2010

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Well im sorry to Cathy if she was not very funny to me ive had a lot of people on here be VERY rude to me and im a bit defensive! Again im sorry

[deleted account]

She was making a joke, Nikkole! I'd like to hear more about these "issues" you have with your dad that YOU say have nothing to do with being spanked.

Nikkole - posted on 11/08/2010

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Ok well then its my opinion then I have no anger issues im NOT F**ked up as cathy is saying or insuecure,neurotic, or emotional! Actual my 2 sisters are all of those things and they were the ones who were babied and were just talked to all the lifes im not saying spanking works for EVERY kid or its 100%effective im just saying i know when i was younger if i got a smack on the hand or butt i learned! I would say after reading about others who were smacked and had issues with it im Fine to me means i Dont have resentment to my mother, i dont have anger issues, not talking to a therapist about anything, and im not going on and on about how emotional it was for me because it wasn't!!!! I would say the ONLY issues i would have about my life would be about my dad and that has NOTHING to do with spanking other than that i think im pretty normal i dont yell at my kids i dont spank my son EVERY DAY i hardly ever do it unless he is REALLY misbehaving or doing something dangerous! SO i guess i wont use FINE i will say it had no emotional effects on me. And Cathy S. Thats YOUR opinion you dont know me so you can't say just because i said im fine thats what that mean, in MY opinion comments like that are rude!

[deleted account]

All I'm saying is that whether you or anyone else is fine, is subjective and a matter of opinion. What does "fine" mean? How do you define "fine"?

I'm sorry but the "I'm FINE!" argument is laughable.

Nikkole - posted on 11/07/2010

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UH yea or i wouldn't have said i was a lot of people say OH it was horrible it was so traumatic if it was traumatic then they weren't just spanked they were beat or something! I was never beat just smacked on the butt (not hard) and i did learn my lesson and i have a GREAT relationship with my mother

Nikkole - posted on 11/07/2010

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My son is almost 3 and we warn him 3 times and after that if he dosent listen we sit him in time out and if that dosent work then we do smack him on the butt or hand! I was spanked when i was bad as a child and im fine!

Tah - posted on 11/07/2010

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I think parent's need to beat the crap outta their kids..

sincerly,
blue

Krista - posted on 11/07/2010

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My little guy is only 14 months, so I still use a lot of distraction and removal techniques. I have just started using time-outs, but only for serious infractions like hitting. And I make it very clear why he's going in time-out, so that he knows it's not arbitrary.

[deleted account]

We do everything other than using our hand to discipline them.Pretty much what you have described.What you do in the daycare follow that up in your home and on your children, children do respond to a positive approach, i dont feel any child needs or deserves a spank etc..just means to me you gave up to early.I have felt at times i wanted to spank, as i was hit/spanked as i was growing up, but i keep going and never gave in.



Its a wonderful reward to your self to see you made your child see right from wrong without raising a hand to do it.Especially to me anyway as i grew up being hit, so to not allow that form of discipline to continue is fantastic.

I didnt like being hit, a positive approach would of worked on me but they never cared to try, so i know how my girls would feel if i hit/spanked them, i dont want them to EVER feel that way.

Minnie - posted on 11/07/2010

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We use natural and logical consequences. It has to be related to what happened and it has to teach the child.

[deleted account]

I must admit that when one of my children is sitting right next to me and getting into my handbag or whatever it is that they shouldn't after the 3rd time of them not listening i tap their hand. Thats the extent of smacking in our house, I find timeouts and talking to them about what they did and why it was naughty works better.

In all honesty i find positive reinforcement works the best. If they do something that is really good then they get praised big time for it and then they generally want to do it again because they liked the positive happy mummy.

I find that my kids play up the most when they are stuck inside due to weather get them outside and besides fighting with each other over a toy they are brilliant and sleep 1000 times better.

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 11/06/2010

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I believe it all depends on the child…some children do need a good Swat on the rear-end…while others need only a talking too.



I discipline my son the way I do, because of how I was raised….(by my father who was more Bark then Bite, rarely put a hand on us…he would smack our hands…that was the worst)

With my son I do a lot of explaining, and talking….I can do that with him now because when he was younger I would make good on my word of taking or throwing away any and all of his toys, and in doing that I instilled (immense respect) in my son early on….

Now at almost 8, the most I have to do is give him a stern look….if the talking did not work.



I also tell him lots of stories of when I was young...doing things that got me hurt or doing or lost. I believe that helps your child not only relate, but reminds them that you were once a child too.



Unfortunately some parents lack the ability to communicate with there children on a verbal level…in a way that the child gets it…and so, they resort to physical pain…and although the child may make the correlation that if they do this…then they will get pain for mom or dad or both, they still wont understand WHY….and children need to know,



The line between disciplining out of love and just plain old disciplining is often blurred; a very find line…and many times a parent will strike their child out of anger

Johnny - posted on 11/06/2010

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I only have one child, a daughter who is 2 and a bit. We are just getting past the age of distraction and moving into discipline. I am working on developing my ability to use positive discipline methods, planning my day to attempt to avoid meltdowns, and learning how to predict her behavior. I occasionally use "cool down" time which is like a time out. But rather than making it a punishment, as in "sit there and think about what you did wrong" - which I believe she is too young for anyway - I try to get her to relax, talk to her about the behavior I'd like to see, and what we will do the next time instead. I still occasionally lose my temper, but I'm actually finding that the more I follow the positive discipline techniques I've learned about, the fewer behavior problems I have and the more responsive she is becoming. I have occasionally used the removal of a toy when she has demonstrated that she is unable to play with it properly or to treat it well. I also try to allow her to experience the natural consequences of her actions, as long as they are safe, rather than intervening. For example, when she makes a mess, she cleans it up. I never thought that I could get a 2 year old to clean her own room, but she does and fairly well too.

Before I had read up on positive discipline, I thought I had a highly resistant and difficult child who never listened and that was going to be very difficult to control. She was throwing bigger and bigger tantrums and I was endlessly putting her in 'time-out's and yelling louder & louder. Now the more I work on the positive techniques, the better she gets, and I've been very pleased with the results so far. She's only 2 of course, so who knows how it will go as she grows.

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