Am I being unreasonable?

Jackie - posted on 02/01/2011 ( 19 moms have responded )

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** I'm not married but I'm going to to use the "in-law" terms to keep from having to explain everybody like this... my boyfriends, brother's wife's son... lol***



OK, so over last summer there was a very very small, somewhat innocent incident with my then 1 1/2 yo daughter, Allison, and her cousin, Will, then 3 yo.



My brother and sister-in-law spend alot of time at our house with their son William. Allison LOVES Will. They play great together for the most part. Well, I was in the house with the kids and everyone else was out in the garage hanging out.( I'm going to make this story short) The kids went upstairs and I heard William close the door so I immediately went up to check and I told him to keep the door open because I can see and hear from down stairs. Well, he did it again a few minutes later so I slowly walked upstairs and sneaked in to see what he was up to. As soon as I opened the door, he jumped and had that look like he was doing something wrong. I got really weird vibes so I sent them both downstairs and told my BF that they should NOT be left alone together anymore.



Later, I asked him to come sit and talk to me. I asked him what he was doing and not to be scared because I wasn't mad. He said, "I kissed her." My immediate reaction was FREAK OUT, but only on the inside because I didn't want to scare him. First because I was scared for my daughter. Second, because I was concerned for him. Then I got to thinking, he's three. He's probably just curious.



Of course I told his parents and just said it may be a good time to talk to him about boundaries.



We are all certain that he, himself has not been abused in any way. We have all come to the conclusion that he sees Mommy and Daddy kissing and was curious.



Anywho... since that day, I will not let him in the bathroom while Allison is bathing (he used to come in and talk to her) and honestly, I don't even really want him close by when I change her. I never really came out and said it but it's pretty much implied.



I think my SIL may be somewhat offended because she may think that I think her son has issues but I really really don't. I think it's me with issues and I think I'm being neurotic...



So how would you handle the situation? Should I just let it go? I don't want to give the impression that there is something wrong about being naked but I just can't help but to feel uncomfortable with it. In all honesty, I think I would be that way with any little boy around her, it just so happens that he's the one around...

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Cassie - posted on 02/01/2011

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I'm going to lean more towards I think you should let it go BUT I also firmly believe in a mother's gut. If all he was doing was giving her a kiss, then I would let it go personally. If you make it into a big deal, it will become an even bigger deal both to him and his mom. If it were me, I would be aware of what's going on but not limit their contact such as allowing him to talk to her in the bathroom etc.

We all have our mommy instinct for a reason though. If this is really sending up red flags for you and you really feel your daughter's safety is in jeopardy, stick to your guns and do what is in her best interest.

I think you just really need to evaluate what you're feeling and why you're feeling it. It is our job to protect our kids but we need to walk that line carefully between being protective and over-protective. :)

Becky - posted on 02/01/2011

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Two little kids kissing wouldn't bother me in the least, it's the fact that he closed the door, like he was doing something he was ashamed of, that would send up a red flag for me. I think I would probably react the way you have. I wouldn't make a big deal of it, but I would be more vigilant when they were together.

Joanna - posted on 02/01/2011

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If you feel uncomfortable with what happened, there's nothing you can do to stop that feeling. I wouldn't worry about it personally, but it's about you and you just do what works for you

Rosie - posted on 02/01/2011

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so he was 3 at the time right? everything in me says a 3 year old can't possibly know anything about molesting someone else. it just isn't in them to do it.
i understand being paranoid, i think i would be too, but really when you think about it, he was 3. my 3 year old can't even stop peeing the bed let alone think consciously about molesting someone.

[deleted account]

I think maybe, without further proof that he did anything inappropriate, you should just let this one go girl. If all he did was kiss her, and if he was ok telling you he kissed her, then maybe he just loves her and wanted to kiss her? My son's 3 and he likes to kiss people, especially little girls. I don't see the harm in it though. Now, if he was trying to stick his tongue in her mouth then yeah, time for his parents to speak to him about it. But it sounds innocent, from what you've said here.

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Jackie - posted on 02/02/2011

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"I think you are punishing him for being a normal child. "

Sherri - I wouldn't say that I'm punishing him because I'n really not being rude to him and I'm not angry with him. And I know it's normal behavior. If it were one of you ladies telling this story, I would be saying it's normal and not to worry but being put in the situation, it just gives me weird vibes, ya know.

Like the other ladies have mentioned, it's not what he did. It's more the sneaky manner in which he did it and his reaction when confronted.

They love each other and she follows him around, even when he needs to go pee pee, which I've put a stop to, too.

I know it's innocent but I can't help it. Again, I'm not sure that I would feel this way JUST with him, I think it would be ANY boy around her. I think that this situation just kind of brought to my attention that this kind of stuff happens at ANY age and I already need to be on the look out for this kind of behavior. If that makes since :)

Thanks for all of the advise

Peggy - posted on 02/02/2011

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I think its just normal behavior of a 3 yr old.. shoot little boys will show each other their "weenie" or a little girl/boy will show each other theirs to see what the other one looks like... it's normal. And YES as a parent it may throw you off a bit because of todays society. I am a over protective mommy.. now with that being said, I do give my children age appropriate freedom but worry the whole time.. I let my 15 year old go to the mall for a few hours with her friends and worry until I pick her back up.. not that she will get into trouble because she have never given me an ounce of problems.. its the other sickos out there. But I wouldnt allow it to stress you out. There are many things that are normal stages in a child but us as parents look too deep into it... believe me, I am the same way!

[deleted account]

My 5 year old girl is desperate to kiss people, in what she calls a "marrying day kiss". Yes. She wants to kiss me, her brother and sister, and says she can't wait until she's "a teenager and gets a boyfriend". I wouldn't be surprised if she cornered anybody else with the door closed and tried to kiss them.



So - to answer you question, I wouldn't worry too much. Will is still very little and I think a kiss is harmless.

Ez - posted on 02/02/2011

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I'm with Becky on this. The kiss is not the issue for me. It's the fact that he wanted to close the door, and then did so after you told him not to. That gives the impression that he was trying to hide something, and I don't blame you for being uncomfortable.

My best friend has two boys and Milla kisses, cuddles and runs around naked outside with them (it is summer in Aus after all lol). I am fine with all of that because they are supervised at all times and it is all totally innocent. But if, at any time I started to get that weird gut feeling you seem to be having, I would put a stop to it. No question. Maternal instincts exist for a reason.

Meghan - posted on 02/02/2011

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I have been learning about developmental stages in psych class and from what we have gone over this sort of thing at this age IS normal. At 3 children start to notice sex differences. But I would probably react the same way you did. If you have a gut feeling go with that. I personally have never let anyone else bath with J or let anyone besides my mom bathe him. I don't worry about anything weird happening, I just don't see the need for an audience and bath time is one of the last steps before bed, so I consider part of his wind down time.

Amber - posted on 02/01/2011

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You have to remember their ages when it happened. I would say let it go, but instill boundaries while you are there. You dont want to instill that giving your family members smooches is wrong. It will lead to further problems in life. He was 3...I cant see he had it in his head to do wrong to her. Just make sure you set rules such as keep doors open and play in open areas and such like that if you insist on following your gut. Other than that...let it go

Bonnie - posted on 02/01/2011

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If you are uneasy with the situation then do what you feel you need to do. If it was just an innocent little kiss (being that he was 3 years old and probably not even capable of knowing or doing anything more), I would probably let it go.

Sherri - posted on 02/01/2011

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Very normal 3-4yr old behavior mom. I think you need to just get over it. I know you are trying to protect your daughter but their is really nothing to protect her from. It is a little boy basically the old stereo type show me yours and I will show you mine. It is innocent nothing sexual and just normal. I think you are punishing him for being a normal child.

[deleted account]

Sorry, Jackie-Rae, Earlier I meant to add that you should definitely listen to your gut but I got distracted by my 3 year old splashing my $80 perfume all over the house. Yay. What was once a nice smell to me, now reminds me of a whorehouse. Anyhow, I digress.
So yeah, you should definitely listen to your gut about stuff like this. I still am not sure he meant anything by it or that it was inappropriate but you have instincts for a reason. I'd probably keep not allowing him into the bathroom at bath time or around her at diaper changes. If anything, you'll be helping him to learn some personal boundaries and privacy. Now, off to teach my OWN kid a thing or two about boundaries and how NOT COOL it is to dump Mommy's perfume all over the house. :P

Melissa - posted on 02/01/2011

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sounds innocent considering the ages but keep a close eye. not the same thing I know but when my kid freaked out with nappy change (still does) people tried to imply something like this had gone on I freaked for a little while, I guess you always worry about these things but just watch thats all you can do, but consdiering he was only 3 and if you say its unlikely hes been abused I would say its just innocent

Tara - posted on 02/01/2011

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Personally I say trust your gut, but also remember the age of this child. Even if he touched her stomach, that isn't an implication of doing anything wrong. And kissing her? Again I see nothing wrong with a 3 year old kissing an 18 month old, maybe he loves her? Are they close?
I would say try to ease up a little bit so as not to make his parents feel bad but at the same time, keep your eye on them.
Good Luck!

Sal - posted on 02/01/2011

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i know it is a little unnerving, but i have heard this exact same story soooo many times i do kind of think may be it is only inocent and we read and hear so much about sexual deviants and misconduct and abuse that maybe we freak out at what is really a normal and healthy thing, but having said that i think the open door policy is good, kids mirror what is going on, his mum and dad love each other and kiss, he loves your daughter and kissed her, it is really the going up and shutting the door you have a problem with because it seems to imply guilt and any mum knows that a shut door means trouble, don't put too much pressure on the kids or your self because before too long she will have girl germs and he won't go near her..

Jackie - posted on 02/01/2011

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Well, he didn't just come straight out and tell me. His demeanor was "off" and I had to really drag it out of him and when he told his mom he also said he touched he stomach. EEEEEK! I guess I should have included that part too.

Again, I really think curiosity got the best of him. It just make me worried

[deleted account]

I would personally end up doing what you are doing to just say to hell with how other people think of my behavior. yes it is a bit neurotic but hey we are moms and we are going to be over protective to a certain degree. (ok, most of us) I would just be yourself and let it go. You can always explain it away as you wanting to start early with the learning boundaries thing if you need to.

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