Anyone going back and forth on having another child?

Jessica - posted on 08/26/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I am torn! My first, my daughter, was stillborn. Then it took us about 2 and a half to get pregnant with my son, which was a high risk pregnancy and we also found out that I'm a carrier of an x-linked syndrome so for every pregnancy there is a 50% chance my daughter will be a carrier and a 50% chance my son will be affected with the syndrome. My son now has the syndrome and although he has seen just about every specialist he is "normal". I have always wanted two children and I feel like it would not be fair to my son to not grow up with a sibling. My son however is a very high spirited, strong-willed/difficult baby/toddler and although I love him tremendously it makes me question if I could really handle another baby like him. Then the syndrome plays on me too. My husband has voiced the want to have another child but I feel like it's mainly so our son has a sibling. My husband is older and that is another factor to my indecisiveness. There are days that I'm like yes I want to have another child and then there are many days where I'm like I don't know how people keep having children. I know all of you love all of your children and wouldn't have it any other way but do yall ever think maybe you should have stopped at 1 or you would have stopped at one if you had your second child (a difficult child) first?

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"I feel like it would not be fair to my son to not grow up with a sibling."

I HATE when people say this. Sorry, I'm not trying to be mean, I know you are struggling with a decision. How is it "unfair" to your child to make him the center of your world? How is it unfair to avoid the possibility of having to push him into the background if you give birth to a boy who is more deeply affected by the syndrome? I'm not going to go into why I have an only child, the reasons are very personal to me, but I will tell you this, and I hope it helps you decide.

I have one child, an 8 year old boy. He is perfectly happy and fulfilled despite the lack of a sibling. In fact, he loves his life! We can do a lot of things with him that parents with two or more kids cannot do--at 8, he's been to 12 different countries. He's been whitewater rafting in class IV rapids, he's ridden a hot air balloon over the Grand Canyon and seen the mouth of a volcano from a glass bottom helicopter in Hawaii. Most kids don't have the chance to do these things until they are adults because their siblings are too young, or by the time they are old enough, living expenses are too high and the cost is prohibitive. (The fun) Helicopters, and lots of other things only hold 4 people, so if you have two kids, you have to split up or leave someone behind. It makes adventures difficult.
From day to day, he doesn't have to compete for my attention. I've taught him to respect my time, but he doesn't have to sit for 20 minutes while I tame a toddler before I help with homework, or tolerate my distraction while I look at his art because I'm worried about what his younger sibling is getting into. Obviously, I don't come to his every beck and call, but our lives are orderly and structured in a way that allows us a lot of freedom. I find that invaluable.

What is he missing out on?
Learning how to share? I made sure to have him in a variety of social programs from the time he could walk. He's a great friend, he's a leader, he's confident with other kids and knows how to interact with them, and I didn't need a baby sibling to teach him that.
A "life long friend"? I have a sister. I love her, but we're not close. I love her because she is in my life and I know she's a great person, but if we didn't share parents, we'd have absolutely nothing in common. As kids, we didn't play together, as adults, we speak twice a year. I have my own friends, as will my son. I am closer to them than I ever have been to my sister because I got to choose them, and I chose people who share my values and interests. J will do the same--he already does!


All in all, I don't think it is "unfair" to a child not to give him a sibling, in fact, for many families, like mine, being an only child creates the best family dynamic for the child, and a good dynamic is WAY more valuable than an extra person he may or may not get along with. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty because your son doesn't have a sibling--he doesn't need one unless YOU really want a second child.

Denikka - posted on 08/27/2013

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I think that, if I were in your situation, I would choose not to have any more biological children. Just for the sake of your health and your baby's health.
But, that doesn't mean that you cannot give your son a sibling. You can adopt a child, or become foster parents. There are plenty of children out there in need of a home and a loving family. Look into all of your options :)

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