Apparently my husband is "abusive"

Caitlin - posted on 01/11/2011 ( 105 moms have responded )

1,915

5

172

Kind of a funny story. I work nights on the weekend, so when i'm sleeping during the day, my hubby does some errands with the kids so I ca sleep a bit better. Well, he went to Costco (It's a bulk store) with them and he was picking up an item from the shelf and when he turns back to the cart (both girls are strapped in aged 2y and 10m) and sime old lady picked something food like up frm a sample table and was inches away from putting it in my daughters mouth. Well, since she's allergic to almost everything, my husband reaches out and whacks it out of the ladys hand, and needless to say, the lady went ballistic, and he returned it. Considering what she was about to feed my 2 year old could have killed her 2 times over (peanuts and dairy - some sort of nut granola bar with yogurt coating..). Instead of appoligizing, the old lady almost demanded that the manager call the cops to arrest him for assault, but seriously, I know she's from a different generation, but don't most people realise you should ask the parent/guardian before giving a kid food? I could only imagine what he would have done to that woman if she really had given it to my daughter.. I would have had her arrested(and responsible for paying for new epi pens and the ambulance ride), I don't care if she doesn't know.. I shouldn't have to have a sign or t-shirt on her that says don't feed the child. Ugh, i'm so glad she's not in daycare, she's always with the hubby or I.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

The woman being from a different generation doesn't give her a pass at not being aware enough to know that in this day and age it's not appropriate to give a stranger's child any kind of food without permission. I don't think your husband over-reacted at all. He saved his daughter's life. To me, him swatting the food from the woman's hand is no different than if he had pushed your daughter out of the way of a moving vehicle. He did what he had to do in the moment to prevent her from eating who knows what. I would have done the same thing.

[deleted account]

Good on your hubby Caitlin, I would have done the same thing if I were in that situation, that exchange does not sound that bad to me, sure the 'stupid bitch' may have been a little rude but she wasn't listening to the fact your daughter had an allergy and IF she had of fed her that food your daughter could have gone into anaphlaxis which is horrific and incredibly dangerous. At finding out your daughter had severe allegies she should have apologised!

Laura you keep saying referencing the fact that we shouldn't be raising our voices to little old ladies, who don't know any better because in their day it was acceptable, why does that make any difference? What if it were a younger mum who did it, thinking it wouldn't cause any harm her kids can have it, or how about a teenager who just gave it to the child because they wanted it, they all still deserve the same response, and yes in an ideal world we would remove the food and then explain in a calm manner why we did what we did, but lets be realistic this is not an ideal world - when someone nearly potentially kills your daughter you are going to explain to them in a annoyed voice, which may be raised especially if you are being shouted at. It is human nature we cannot always be in control of our emotions. The woman's age has nothing to do with it, and so should not factor into why you should react in a certain way.

Barb - posted on 01/12/2011

3,372

15

201

I agree with Laura and Tara on this one. I fully understand the reaction of slapping the food away.

I really like Tara's positive spin on the issue and maintaining self control and offering education and information in the face of ignorance.

Getting heated does not solve the issue or keep it from happening to someone else's child or "teaches her a lesson" not to do it again. It just escalates the situation. Someone has to be the adult, remain calm and solve the problem. In this case, it sounded like it was the 19 year old manager.

Old lady's actions were wrong to feed an unknown child, she should have apologized.

Husband's actions were wrong to lose control and go ballistic. he should have apologized.

Isobel - posted on 01/11/2011

9,849

0

286

ummm...my first reaction would have been to slap the food away...my second would have been to profusely apologize for hitting her and explain that I panicked and why.

You are right, she was rude to feed your kid...her age does not give her a pass...but panic doesn't give you a pass to hit people either.

Stifler's - posted on 01/14/2011

15,141

154

604

I would have just slapped the thing out of her hand and said SHE'S ALLERGIC and walked away leaving her to yell at no one.

105 Comments

View replies by

Alexandria - posted on 01/14/2011

20

41

3

I would have went nutts if some woman tried to feed my child anything without my consent. That woman had to have been out her fricken box.

[deleted account]

Laura I know you have said that I was just interested because you kept saying that it was wrong to shout at the little old lady, I do agree that yelling at people generally gets you no-where, I just wondered if you were more uncomfrotable with the situation because of the lady being elderly. I'm pleased your not because as I stated earlier the persons age is irrelevant.

Sarah - posted on 01/14/2011

5,465

31

344

I'm kinda with Laura on this one to be honest.......what the woman did was wrong, and if it had been one of my kids, I probably would have slapped her hand away too........BUT......I think then I would have said sorry for slapping her and just explained why I had that reaction.......then if she was a decent person she would a) say sorry in return and b) not try and give food to kids any more.

But hey, I'm not very confrontational! ;)

Isobel - posted on 01/14/2011

9,849

0

286

I think it's mean and rude to yell at ANYBODY for making an innocent mistake...sue me.

I've already said what she did was wrong...I've already said that slapping her hand away was perfectly justified...it's just the vitriol of this entire thread that (to be quite honest) makes me feel a little sick.

Conniemarie - posted on 01/14/2011

21

8

0

I am sorry for the situation, but I would have told the woman I would be glad to recieve the "assult" ticket, and will equally be as glad to pess charges for attempted murder of a child!!!!!
I wonder how she would have swallowed that!!!
I think its just like people who think that ur "bump" is public access, the nerve!

Meghan - posted on 01/13/2011

3,169

33

202

I have never seen any signs here, whether it be geared towards allergies or stating that parents need to be present. I feel for all of you that have to deal with this, must be very hard. :)

Caitlin - posted on 01/13/2011

1,915

5

172

Sharon - acutually here there are allergy alert warnings on all of the booths which makes it even worse. It says to read the ingredients carefully before eating it if you have any allergies and they will not give food to a child without the parent present. That's what makes this double stupid!

Sharon - posted on 01/13/2011

11,585

12

1315

No worries Caitlin. The situation went as it needed to.

Honestly I'm beyond shocked that someone was just that piss ignorant to try and offer food to a child behind the parents back. I understand the old days when people offered food to any child that looked interested. Living in Georgia all our neighbors were like that. Living on military bases they were all like that too. But even then, we were older kids, mobile and able to speak for ourselves. I only knew a handful of kids with bad allergies and only a couple who had deathly allergies. They spoke up for themselves. Asked pertinent questions... where was it made? whats in it? is that a type of nut? etc.

I babysat "back in the day". But I was a kid and I was very careful to only feed what the parents directed.

I'm having a hard time getting into the mindset that the old woman somehow felt she had the right to offer a baby food without asking permission of the father who was standing right there.

She can't have missed the signs all over the costco food carts that parents must be asked first. Granted there is nothing about allergies but still signs are there that parents must give permission/be present. If its important to the store, why shouldn't it be important to her?

I'm guessing she has no kids. Has no grandkids.

Caitlin - posted on 01/13/2011

1,915

5

172

Sorry I was away yesterday.. This si something how the convo went..

hubby: (slap) what the hell do you think you are you doing?
woman: she wanted it!
hubby: she's 2! She'd eat anything, and that could kill her!
woman: how am I supposed to know that?
hubby: you're supposed to ask you stupid bitch!

Then she went on to get the manager to come and threten to have them call the cops even after he explained several times to the manager and her that she's allergic to almost everything in that and most foods..

Maybe the stupid bitch part was a tad uncalled for but in the situation with my adrenaline flowing, I gotta say I would have called her worse than that! When it comes to protecting my daughter, i'm quite the mama bear!

Sharon - posted on 01/12/2011

11,585

12

1315

lmao I'm having fun being a 'tard today. I was one at work too. I promised to pee on the grave of the old asshole of the westboro church in front of our retired cop security guard guy, he choked and said he was ordering a psych profile on me!! BAWAHAHAHA

"when that imbecilic old bastard croaks I swear by all thats holy I'm flying to his grave site to PISS ON IT. Thats right, I'm stripping my bottoms, pulling my thong off and taking a big old WHIZZ on his grave, right over his fucking head!"

Now really? does that sound bad at all?

[deleted account]

Was that you? I know you "stoled" the religion one from me lol We're stolers hehehehe....and we got the bestest grammar too :P

Sharon - posted on 01/12/2011

11,585

12

1315

lol I left a "stoled" message on that status, I think I got it from jaime.

[deleted account]

I saw that quote as someone's FB status earlier today. I like it. And I'd like to think that I'd live up to it but....chances are, I'd be a mix of good and bad karma in this situation lol

Sharon - posted on 01/12/2011

11,585

12

1315

eh well i feel hypocritical for leaving my message here as that because its pure toss up that I would ripped her a new asshole versus apologetic explanation.

Barb - posted on 01/12/2011

3,372

15

201

I had already said he was right to remove the danger from his child. I was trying to make the point of personal responsibility and self control in the face of someone who has no control or is behaving badly.

Sharon's Wayne Dyer quote pretty well summed up what i was trying to say.

Sharon - posted on 01/12/2011

11,585

12

1315

How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours. ~Wayne Dyer

Vegemite - posted on 01/12/2011

916

0

17

i think people should keep their hands to themselves. I'm referring to the lady, maybe she's learnt her lesson now and wont do something so stupid, thoughtless and disrespectful again. After my son becoming dangerously ill with measles, at just 9months from who knows where, if someone even touches my kids even to say how cute they are get a stern "don't touch my children".

[deleted account]

I hated it when people use to just give my daughter whatever to eat. Shes 7 now and has a pretty good idea of what things to avoid but its never 100% that she won't have a major attack because we can't pin point her allergy because its a preservative.

I would have reacted the same way. I have noticed more older women do think they can just feed you kid or grab em up without asking.

Johnny - posted on 01/12/2011

8,686

26

322

I suppose in my case that I interpret Caitlin's husband, "going off on her" as that he probably explained what the problem was, although likely in a rather upset tone of voice given that his child's life had just been at serious risk and his adrenaline was likely way up. I may be wrong. That doesn't seem inappropriate to me. Perhaps after the initial shock had worn off, he might have tried to explain it calmly again, that would have been good. But we all know or can at least imagine the kind of intensity of emotion that we each would have if our child's health and well-being were seriously threatened. I agree that calling old ladies bitches and just generally berating them is completely uncalled for and uncivil. I just think that this was likely a very intense situation for the father.

[deleted account]

I imagine it was just a heated exchange of words after he slapped her hand away. One of those "in the moment" things where he and the old lady both felt justified for whatever they said. That's how I took the OP line "the lady went ballistic, and he returned it". He reacted when she tried to put the food in the baby's mouth by smacking her hand away. I have a feeling he wasn't aiming specifically at her hand, just in the direction of the food, and I would react the same way. She went off because she just knew that he had smacked her hand and she probably felt a little indignant about it. He, still in the heat of the moment, probably responded to whatever she said with a few choice words of his own. I think the whole situation probably boils down to that. In any case though, I have to revise my original statement a little. While I WOULD smack her hand away if it were me in his shoes, I have to agree with a point that Laura made. After swatting her hand away, I probably would have tried to explain to her WHY it was such a big deal and why I had reacted the way I did. Then, if she continued to be a bitch about it, I probably would have spouted off at the mouth a little and walked away.

I look at it like this. When I was pregnant, I was at the grocery store. I had "prego brain" and wasn't paying attention, turned a corner too quickly and rammed my cart into a girl's heels. She was about 20ish. Her first reaction was to put her hand on the cart (most likely to stop it from moving further) and push back a little as she caught her balance. In the moment, she looked right at me and told me, "Watch where you're fuckin' going!" I'm apologizing profusely, asking if she's ok. She sees my belly and how upset I was and then SHE started apologizing for pushing the cart back at me. Next thing you know we're both apologizing to each other and asking the other if we're ok. It was all good.

Maybe the old lady didn't give daddy time to explain why what she was about to do was innapropriate. Maybe he didn't immediately offer to explain. Either way, perhaps it's possible that they were both wrong on some level (in how they reacted after the swatting of the hand), but also that he had every right to swat at her hand to begin with. Hope this makes sense.

Marie - posted on 01/12/2011

1

2

0

People from the older generation do seem to think that they can feed strangers children, rub bumps and chat to any passing child. I think it is a age thing they just can't see that they are doing anything wrong or could casue offense or in this case worse. It is hard

[deleted account]

I agree, we all need to be held accountable for our actions, but I don't think charging him with assault is the answer. I just want clarification from Caitlin as to what him going ballistic entails?! We all obviously have an image in our head and that could be very diffferent from what actually occured.

Isobel - posted on 01/12/2011

9,849

0

286

it says she went ballistic and then he did too...but if you were an old lady and had no idea you had done something wrong (because like I said food didn't kill people even 30 years ago, never mind 50), wouldn't YOU go ballistic if somebody smacked your hand away when you were trying to be nice?

yeah she was wrong...but so was he. And I wasn't really talking just about you, even though I used your quote...it seems to be the general feeling of the whole thread.

[deleted account]

I do agree with with that, Laura. If his actions were in fact just a reaction, then after he slapped her hand, he should have or could have calmed himself down and walked away instead of allowing the situation to escalate.



I'm curious, Caitlin, what exactly happened after he slapped her hand and she started freaking out? You said "the lady went ballistic and he returned it".....just curious what that means?

[deleted account]

If someone is screaming at you though.... they won't hear you if you don't scream back. Not that it makes screaming at them ok, but again, we weren't there so can only speculate on exactly how it went down.

Isobel - posted on 01/12/2011

9,849

0

286

that's why the slapping her hand was fine...the ensuing freak out was not.

sorry.

Nikkole - posted on 01/12/2011

1,505

31

49

Yea maybe her husband did try to explain calmly after the fact and the old women was still freaking out some people can not be calmed down!

[deleted account]

You mentioned "potential allergies", Barb. I know for a fact that Caitlin and her husband have watched their daughter go into anaphylactic shock on more than one occasion. Grave danger is different than potential danger. Anyone COULD potentially be allergic to something but Caitlins daughter IS, and to several major things. Roxanne also has a severe peanut allergy so I can understand the intial reaction of him swatting her hand. I do, however, agree that he didn't need to escalate the situation but we weren't there.

Nikkole - posted on 01/12/2011

1,505

31

49

Yea we are talking about a little girl that has SEVER food allergies not her dad and mom watching out for them she could have died from the food

Bonnie - posted on 01/12/2011

4,813

22

262

Jodi, I know how you feel about chocolate. I refused to let my kids have it until they turned 2 and even still, it is a limited amount and all nut free at that age. My mother tried to push chocolate on my kids when they were a year. I had to yell at her sometimes. They are my kids. What I say goes. Same thing with candy. I don't want to risk them choking on it. Even my 4 year old, all he has had so far are lolly pops once in awhile and candy canes.

Jodi - posted on 01/12/2011

2,694

52

175

Where was the element of fear for your grandaughter's life though? How would he have reacted if she (the other grandma) was going to give your grandaughter something that WOULD kill her? That is the major, and most important, difference between the two. I refused to let me daughter have chocolate until she was a year old (and I mean, even a taste.), and I fended off people trying to give her chocolate politely and calmly. But if someone were going to potentially kill my child, politeness and calmness would fly out the window I think.

Barb - posted on 01/12/2011

3,372

15

201

The first year of our granddaughters life, her mother was very diligent about what she ate. being very cautious about potential food allergies and following the letter of the law on food introduction for infants. We had been schooled by her on what we could and could not give our little lilly. We of course, obliged.
At Lilly's first birthday party, her mom's mom, (the other grandma) mixed up a bottle with the sherbert/lemonlime soda concoction punch stuff they had made and was going to give it to Lilly. Doug headed her off at the pass and took it from her. He was not going to let Lilly have it until Lilly's mommy said it was okay. omg did it make this woman mad. "i'm grandma and i said she can have it!!" Doug just said "i'm grandpa and i said she can't until her mom says so" But Doug remained in control of himself no matter how angry she got, she even hit him and cussed at him until i stepped in and took her to go find her daughter.

How ugly would it have gotten if Doug would have acted the same way she did?
A person is responsible for their own actions. He can't control her actions or how she is going to play it or view herself. He can only control himself and be an example for his children, who are watching what Daddy does.

Nikkole - posted on 01/12/2011

1,505

31

49

I would have done the same thing as her susband even if my kid had No allergies you can't trust random people at the grocery store even old laddies! What if someone slipped something in te food and then tried to feed your kid and killed them, i don't let any strangers feed my kid! I would have explained to her afterwards what she did wrong but how dare someone feed a random kid?

[deleted account]

I agree, Barb -- in a perfect world! Unfortunately as humans we're not infallible. Many things could have factored in or played a role in his behaviour but the bottom line is, that for him, his daughters life was in grave danger. And then, to have the old woman continue to scream at him and get angry and threaten the police? That's absurd. If I was the old woman, and someone screamed at me and swatted my hand away, I would have apologized repeatedly, ESPECIALLY after I was told the reason behind his reaction. Instead she got her back up and played the victim.

The situation sucks!

[deleted account]

I was talking out my ass, Laura, but in all seriousness, he reacted. Until you're in the same situation you can't say you wouldn't have done the same. Is it sad? Maybe, but Caitlin's daughters allergies are VERY severe and very real and he reacted. I don't even give someone's dog food or a treat without asking. Why would anyone offer someone's child food without their permission.

I apologize for saying I would punch the old bitch in the face. In reality, I probabaly wouldn't. I was in a vile mood when I said it!

Isobel - posted on 01/12/2011

9,849

0

286

I must admit that it does make me a little sad for society that this is what we've come to.

Yes, he had every right to panic!

But really...really? We have now moved on to calling little old ladies who have made a STUPID mistake bitches, and advocating punching them in the face.

wow guys. just wow.

Amber - posted on 01/12/2011

280

17

7

that is the craziest thing i have heard this week, that's for sure. your poor husband probably felt bad about hitting her, but it's your first instinct as a parent! that old bat was basically holding a gun to her head! go hubby (:

[deleted account]

I would have punched the old bitch! Stay the fuck away from my kid!

While I can see both sides of this debate....I agree with whoever (I think it was Carol) who said, people who have to deal with severe allergies are not being overly sensitive. Until you've walked a day in my shoes then you can't say. I think the people who are insensitive about allergies clearly haven't known anyone affected by them.

Amie - posted on 01/12/2011

6,596

20

412

I agree with how Caitlin's husband handled it. We do have allergies in our family (thankfully none of my children but cousins and their own kids do) I grew up being aware. One of our son's friend is deathly allergic to a few things. So we're very careful around her.



Unless you've watched someone you care about go into anaphylactic shock, you don't really know how you're going to react. There is no being reasonable, there is only the over whelming fear and anger that someone almost killed that person. If it's your own child, I wouldn't even bother apologizing to someone who insisted on calling the cops after getting an explanation. No one has any excuse to be that ignorant in today's age.

Jodi - posted on 01/12/2011

2,694

52

175

Okay, I cannot 100% relate to the father, my child has no allergies. I would still be mad if I turned around and someone was about to put food in my daughter's mouth. So, for the sake of being fair, I will try to put myself in the old lady's shoes. I don't think I can relate to her well either, because I would never try to or even think of, putting something in a strange child's mouth! But, here goes.



So, if daddy was turned around not looking and I decided to try to feed a child some food I had and daddy "caught" me when he turned around that would be embarassing enough I think. But, when he whacked it away, I'm sure I'd be mad at someone making physical contact with me, but I imagine I would feel put in my place and that obviously this was not a light issue with that parent. I don't think I would make a huge scene about it although I would expect an explanation as to why I was just slapped. I would probably apologize and explain why (for whatever reason on Earth I decided it was a good idea) I had tried to feed his child while he wasn't looking. Unless he continued to try to beat me into a bloody pulp over the matter, I dont' imagine I would call the cops or feel anything other than embrassment at my own actions.



I know this is a lot of what-if's, probablies and maybe's, but it is for the other side too since my kid doesn't have allergies. I can only imagine how I would react to either side. Pretty sure I'd have the same reaction as the dad if my child had such serious allergies, I know I wouldn't feed another person's child, but if I did, pretty sure I wouldn't have gotten up in arms about something that was obviously a serious issue to the parent, and for very serious reasons too.

LaCi - posted on 01/12/2011

3,361

3

171

I'm not going to lie. I probably would have slapped her hand, in the heat of the moment. I also probably would have blown a gasket and gone off on her. I think, in moments like that in which there is impending danger involving your child it's instinctual, adrenaline flows, and we may overreact. But that's better than under-reacting. I doubt I would apologize to her either, because it's rude and downright stupid to feed anything to a complete strangers child while their head is turned.



If she calls the police? Thats fine. Not worried about it.

Bonnie - posted on 01/12/2011

4,813

22

262

Well maybe he did end up explaining himself afterwards and that is why the cops were not called.

Caitlin - posted on 01/12/2011

1,915

5

172

Oh he did explain afterwards (maybe in an angry tone) but he did explain, and she didn't seem to give a damn, because she was all gung-ho about calling the cops..

Isobel - posted on 01/12/2011

9,849

0

286

yes she should have...and he should have explained himself after hitting her...that's all I'm saying.

Bonnie - posted on 01/12/2011

4,813

22

262

Whether a child has allergies or not, a stranger should not be offering a child food. I don't care who this person thinks she is. She could have asked first if it was okay, not just assume.

Shauna - posted on 01/12/2011

1,015

19

35

My best friend died of a penut allergy. A chineese restruant dindt advertise they used penut oil in the rice. SO YES I WOULD SLAP THE BIATCH!

Tara - posted on 01/12/2011

2,567

14

114

I don't agree with slapping old ladies, but in a knee jerk reaction kind of scenario like that one, it's warranted. However when she proceeded to go off on him, he did not have to go off at her. Especially in front of kids. I understand his sudden burst of anger when he slapped her arm, that would come naturally to him to protect his child, but to allow that to lead to going off on an old lady who really did not mean to kill his child, is ineffective and could have been done differently. Even if she was not willing to listen, he still could have said "I'm very very sorry for having just slapped your arm that way, but my child is deathly allergic to things in that product and I just reacted on instinct. Did you know that peanut allergies can kill people? They can and do. Again I'm really sorry for hitting you, but it's not a good idea to offer anything to any child, you just never know."
And yes I realize that she probably wouldn't have listened to him, that's not the point though. The point is, he could have made it into an example for others, in a positive way. And instead of the focus being placed on the facts about allergy awareness it is placed on the negative incident. The message is lost in the tirade.
Easier said than done, I know.
I once had a lady try to give my 9 month old a piece of hot dog, hot off a griddle in the grocery store, on a tooth pick. lol without asking me first!! She was about 70 years old and when I took it mid pass, I said "Oh that looks good, but he's only a baby, babies can't have hot foods or pointy sticks. And hot dogs are a choking hazard." She just looked at me and then proceeded to tell me how much they were, and give me a coupon.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms