Are you a good mother??

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 10/17/2010 ( 33 moms have responded )

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Can you be a good mother and not be there physically for your child(ren) all the time?

Yes or no and why??



Are you a good mother…? How do you know?

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Jodi - posted on 10/17/2010

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Actually, I think part of being a good parents is NOT to be there physically all the time. As they get older, they NEED to be away from you in order to continue to grow and learn. How can they learn some of life's lessons with you hovering over them all the time? We ALL know that you can teach them right from wrong, you can teach them the consequences of certain actions, BUT often, children ALSO need to learn these things fro themselves through their own mistakes. And the only way for them to be able to make some of these mistakes is for them to be away from us.



Of course, I am talking age appropriate, but my point is, a good parent will know when they *shouldn't* be there for their child physically. But a good parent will always be there FOR their child (emotional support).

Johnny - posted on 10/17/2010

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I'm trying my best. Of course she is fed, clothed, sheltered, with plenty of books and some toys. And she has two parents who won't let her tell them she "needs" a cookie but will never say no when she "needs" a hug. I am hoping to give her all the things I had, plus the self-esteem that I lack. But we'll see, she's only 2 and it's hard to see where you screwed up until many years down the road. I'm hoping in a few years, I'll have succeeded in being the "meanest mom in the world" too. I think that can be a really good sign.

But you never know. I look at my neighbor. She is one of the kindest, most compassionate woman I have met. She never has an cruel word to say, and particularly not to her children. They've been lavished with love, taught with passion, and if you look at the "books", she followed them. Yet she has 3 sons. The eldest is a meth head living in her home, and she cares for his 7 year old son full-time too. The middle one is a recovering meth addict, who almost got her kicked out of her home for dealing drugs in the neighborhood. And the youngest is clean, but is a total bum who is 22 years old, has no GED, no job, lives at home, and got into a car accident (without a license to drive) and now is in debt to the insurance company for $60,000. I'm sure she must have gone drastically wrong somewhere along the way, but I see her parenting her grandson on a daily basis, and I can't pick up what her errors are.

So I don't really know if I am a good mom. But I try.

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 10/17/2010

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I know a woman who thinks she’s a good mother to her daughter….
But the relationship they have is one where the child is needing to be assured that her mother loves her, by asking do you love me, or when the daughter says “I love you mom,” she expects the answer back (as she should) but if she doesn’t get the answer she will ask that question…”Don’t you love me? Her mom will say yes..but it will be in a irritated voice..Because the little girl has asked so many times or said I love you so many times,
Also the mother pretty much beats her child…the little girl
(Mind you the child does have a mouth on her where she talks backs, and often doesn’t listen….and questions the mother when she is told to do something) the mother has no patients and so instead of trying to talk to her she gives her a warning(that doesn’t work….and then she goes off on her)…I believe the girl acts that way because of the life she has had from her mother…
The child has picked up bad habits from her mother…and then the mother is yelling at her caller rude and yelling why is she acting the way she does…
But the saddest part is that the little girl seems to do bad things or act in away that she knows her mother will give her attention she otherwise rarely gets..
The mother will give her attention…..by yelling, or whooping, or locking her in the bedroom, closet….I know the girl associates this with love…she has to…
(The little girl is very smart, inquisitive, and perceptive, she’s reading at a 3rd grade level…she can hold a decent conversation being very well spoken…she is 8…

But if you ask this women if she is a good mother she will say YES….all because her daughter is well dressed, healthy, feed, and has a warm bed and a roof over her head….

I know there are plenty women and men who are like that out there....they really do think they are good parents

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Chelsea - posted on 10/29/2010

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I honestly dont know if im a good mom or not. i dont abuse my kids, i make sure there is a roof over their heads and food to eat, i help with homework, chase down beloved stuffed animals so they can sleep, and do everything else a "good mother" does but i have absolutely no patience for them and jump for joy when their grandparents take them so i can sleep or actually have a conversation that isnt about poo or toys. Is that bad for me to be relieved when theyre gone?

Bonnie - posted on 10/19/2010

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I hope I am. I am doing my best and most of the time I feel like I am a good mother. I have been told time and time again that I am and that people are proud of me. Everyone has those off days where moods are not here or there, but do the best to get through the day. My boys tell me they love me and they want hugs and kisses. They are both happy, funny, smart, fun loving boys and I hope that has something to do with it. At times, my 4 year old asks me if I love him or if I still love him and I always say, "Of course I love you!". He usually comes out with that when he knows he has done something wrong. I reassure him every time. I hope that he is not asking because he feels I have shown him in some way or another that I may not. Overall I think it is normal for children that young to question it from time to time because kids are not perfect and not expected to be perfect and overall it is nice for them to hear it again and again.

Louise - posted on 10/19/2010

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I think a good mum is a mum that knows when to step in and when to sit back and allow their child to make their own mistakes. I have teenagers and a toddler and my eldest has moved on to uni. Your relationship evolves when your kids leave home as you can not be there for them 24/7 but in a way it is a good thing I am closer to my eldest son now he has moved out than I was when he was at home. I don't have to shout at him about laundry or dishes or being late home as I don't see that side any more. I just get the good stuff now. My middle son who is 16 tells me every day he loves me and often comes for a chat at bedtime. My daughter I am raising the best I can as it is totally different raising one child as it was with two small ones. I hope that all three of my children will be in my life forever as we are so very close. I have always been there for the kids only working when they were at school and the hardest part for me was learning when not to intervene. A giant roll of sticky tape would of been useful as sometimes it is very difficult to stay "MUM"

Gabrielle - posted on 10/19/2010

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I would like to think that i am a good parent, but you dont know do you? Im not sure that you can be a good mother if your not there physically to be honest. Lets say you have a daughter, if your not there and she has a problem she may feel more comfortable telling a woman, where does she go? My mum is a mum of 5 and she was never there physically as she worked all the time. Thankfully i had an older sister who i went to speak to about my womens problems. She was my mam in a way! But she never had someone to speak to, she just had to get on with things herself. When your young i feel you need your parents more as when you get older you understand that you need to work for house/clothes etc. When your young you just miss you mum/dad and start to feel abit unloved. Im not saying every child will feel like this, but this is how i felt. x

Isobel - posted on 10/18/2010

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I'm with Carol...I'm doing my best. I know I'm on the right track because it is soooo freakin hard. My kids have been through the wringer because of my divorce and they have every right to be monsters, but they are lovely, confident, happy kids...I take comfort in the fact that they are genuinely good people...and I look forward to having dinner with them when they are adults :)

[deleted account]

I think it depends on why you are physically there for your children really. If you're at work because you have to work then yes but if you're in prison no.

I'd say I'm a good mother, and as mothers we all make mistakes, some bigger than others. I know I'm a good mother because I have a very happy son.

[deleted account]

I always say you never truly know until your children are grown..if there still coming home and seeing you and speak of you well then you did something right.I try my best each and every day I'm not perfect but i have to happy, healthy children.I'm a happy mother with happy children, only they will determine when there older if i was a good mother.I am giving my children everything i never had in my childhood, so i know aleast i have done something good as a parent that my parent couldnt do for us.

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 10/18/2010

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That is very true Erin Handley …to admit ur not perfect.
When you try to the best of your ability and your child is genially happy…u are a good mother

Ez - posted on 10/18/2010

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I know I'm a good mum. My daughter is happy, funny, bright, and confident. I think part of being a good mother is being able to admit that I'm not perfect. There is nothing I've ever wanted to succeed at more, and because I am a single mum I feel the need to work extra hard. But I will always be aware of things that I need to work on.

[deleted account]

Does a 4 yr old randomly coming up to you and saying ' Hey, Mummy. Guess what? Your the best mummy ever" Count? Cause if so then i'm the best mum around! :)
In all honestly though i try my best. My children have manners and are polite when we are out and about. They were looked after by our aunty the other day and she said they were fantastic children to care for as they were so helpfull and all the baby did was smile and sleep. SO yeah i think i'm doing a good job which is just fine with me because my oh my it's a hard one!

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 10/18/2010

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My son will also ask from time to time if I love him…and my answer is always the same…he has a 7month old baby brother..so my attention is not on him all the time either, but I try my best to puff his head up, that he is the best Big Brother to walk this earth…and that he is an awesome son, and so far its working, (you cant tell him he is not the Best Big Brother)
but there are the times..he does ask, if I still love him…rarely….and that’s another way I know im a good mother..he doesn’t need the reassurance constantly…he knows by my actions

But when you’re an only child and have no sibling your “Competing” with…is it still normal to need reassuring so many times aday….not a week, just about everyday….
Unless your competing with other people..(Men, friends) as this little girl is…

Cat - posted on 10/17/2010

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I should add, that, my son asks constantly "Do you love me?" And my answer is never different... It is always "Of course! I always love you, and always will" Kids need assurance sometimes, and my son has anxiety issues, so I'm happy to reassure him.... I have two yr old twins, so a lot of the attention isnt on him and that can make him insecure at times, but I'm doing the best i can. I think if, as a mom, you ARE doing the best you possibly can then you ARE a good mom... Everyone's 'best' is not a guaranty for a perfect child, there are no perfect moms and there are no perfect kids... And I'm from the generation who dont feel the need to be the kids best friend in order to be a great parent...

Cat - posted on 10/17/2010

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Well I guess it depends on how much you're away from your kids to still qualify as a 'good' mom... I mean if we're talking a working mom who wants a career and extra $$ than of course extra time away from her kids is to be expected...
But, I have a stepson, who's mom abandoned him and his 3 younger half siblings when he was 8... She didnt give them any warning, just left her husband, and didnt have any contact with any of them for 3 months after that... We'd already taken in my stepson by that point (as soon as we found out she left) She waited till he was almost 14 before she decided she wanted him back permanently and fought us for custody, basically ripping our lives in half... So no, I would not consider HER a good mother at all... But thankfully I think she's a minority, I've met plenty of moms who put their kids first, and are fabulous moms...

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 10/17/2010

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Oh…my son has told me im being mean or not fair, but they are out weighed by the times he says im a good mom…

Kate CP - posted on 10/17/2010

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"No, you can't have a cookie before bed,"
"You're mean!"
"No, you cannot color on the dogs,"
"You're mean!"
"No, you cannot drive Mommy's car,"
"You're mean!"

What would I have to say to get a "Thanks, Mom!"?

Jodi - posted on 10/17/2010

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"For me…when you are told by your child(ren) that you are a good mom…that’s all that matters…"

Really? Oh well, I've been told I'm a mean mum too, so I guess I'm screwed.

And to think, I always thought that if your kids told you that you were mean, you must be doing something right as a parent.

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 10/17/2010

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For me…when you are told by your child(ren) that you are a good mom…that’s all that matters…
My almost 8year old often tells me im a good mom….(I know he’s not sucking up…LOL) he will say it out of the blue…we could be going for our weekend walk down the street, or watchin a movie at home…..he could be giving me a kiss goodnight…and will just sat that to me….and I will say to him..”and you are a good son and big brother,”

We also have a thing where either him or myself will say “I love you,” and the other replies, “I love u more,”

Isobel - posted on 10/17/2010

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I have it on good authority that I am THE MEANEST MOTHER EVER!!!!!!!

Jodi - posted on 10/17/2010

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That's ok Kate, if I listen to my kids, so do I. I couldn't tell you how often I get told I'm a big meanie.



Actually, we have proof my hubby sucks at being a parent - our 5 year old wrote him a note the other day because she didn't get her own way "Dear Dad, You Suk Very Much". Obviously failing as parents :P

Jodi - posted on 10/17/2010

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I was going to say that, of course I'm a good mom! I feed my daughter, clothe her, entertain her, wipe her tears, tuck her in at night and a million other things. But after reading Ebony's last post, I KNOW I'm a great mom because my daughter is happy and knows that she is loved. I ask her all the time, "who loves you more than anyone else in the world?" She says mama, and at 20 months says "I love you too." at bedtime or whenever. Sometimes a child knows he/she is loved BECAUSE their mother can't be there physically all the time, has to work to provide a home, food, clothing etc etc. But, a child also can't feel abandoned for work by their parents, so it's a delicate balance for a lot of single parents I think.

C. - posted on 10/17/2010

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Yes. A good mother also provides for her children when possible so they can have a roof over their head and food on the table. And I'm pretty sure that means sometimes you won't be able to physically be there for them.



Yes, I am a good mother. My son is happy, healthy, always smiling and laughing and VERY loving. Always coming up to my husband and I saying 'I love you!!!' and giving us big hugs and kisses. He is very smart for his age, too. Not sure that's 100% on how I raised him.. But that's all I have for now. My son is only 2 years old :)



Oh, and I've also been told by friends and family that I'm doing a great job with him.

Krista - posted on 10/17/2010

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I think I'm a pretty good mom. My little guy is happy and healthy and seems to be pretty comfortable in his world. I always try to act in my child's best interests, and read up a lot to make sure that I am informed and doing a good job.

The thing that surprised me the most is how patient I am with him. I'm not generally a patient person, but with Sam, I'm a lot more patient and soft-spoken than I ever thought I could be.

[deleted account]

I'm a good mother. I know cuz all 3 of my kids are still alive. ;) They are safe, healthy, relatively happy, well cared for... and most importantly.. THEY think I'm a good mom even when they disagree w/ me. They know that I always try to do what I believe is best for them and they trust me.

Kimberly - posted on 10/17/2010

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I give it my all and my best to be a GREAT mother. I think I do a bang up job and I get compliments constantly from my husband, friends, family and other people that witness my mothering skills. So I must be doing something right. And my baby is happy as a lark.
I am a SAHM but do know some terrific mothers that work. So my answer is yes to that too.

Tara - posted on 10/17/2010

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Of course ;)
I know because my kids smile a lot and when they're smiling it means I'm doing something right.
I also know you can be a good parent even when you are not there physically. I have joint custody with my ex. He has the kids every weekend. So I don't see my girls for 3 out of every 7 days and he doesn't see them the other four. But we're both great parents. How do we know?
Again they smile a lot and they love each other.
:)

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