Are you joking?

Veronica - posted on 01/28/2011 ( 35 moms have responded )

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Is there anything in the COM rules against jokes??? I think we should dedicate this conversation to some good ol fashion humor, laughs, and gut busting! Maybe don't get carried away with anything too off the wall and offensive -- and if you felt it offensive, be mature enough to say so - without throwing up flags all over the place.
Can we do this? After all these serious discussions, Im up for a damn good laugh!

I need to warm up my brain and dig out some good ones - give it up ladies!

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~Jennifer - posted on 01/30/2011

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A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home.

She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.

"Getting a second opinion!"

~Jennifer - posted on 01/30/2011

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.



He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:



"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."



To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

~Jennifer - posted on 01/30/2011

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Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.

After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."

The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go fuck herself."

Veronica - posted on 01/29/2011

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Jenn, you just keep rolling with them! They are great!! You all have great jokes - my mind keeps going blank, and some of you have posted jokes i've heard before that I couldnt remember -- keep em rollin' this is great!

Kerri - posted on 01/29/2011

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Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?

Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.

Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".

Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.

Krista - posted on 01/29/2011

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Two co-workers were out golfing, and wound up behind two women who were playing rather slowly.

After awhile of this, one of the men said, "To hell with this. I'm going up there to ask if we can play through."

He started walking towards the women, but after about 20 yards, he rushed back.

"I can't go up there! It's my wife and my mistress golfing together!"

So the other man said, "Don't worry, I'll go up there and ask them, then."

He started walking up, got about 20 yards, but then turned back around.

"Huh," he said. "Small world."

[deleted account]

ok...this may offend some but it is a funny NZ joke...
What are the best three types of milk-shake?
1) thick
2) extra-thick
3) australian
=p

~Jennifer - posted on 01/29/2011

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A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers," she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this relationship."
With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!"
She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

~Jennifer - posted on 01/29/2011

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Three men sit chatting about their favorite local pubs.

The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink."

Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!"

Erin - posted on 01/29/2011

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A man walks into a public bath room and to his surprise there is a guy standing there with his penis hanging out. The man says " Wow! I wish I had a penis like that!"
The other man replies " Today is your lucky day. I am a leprechaun and I will grant your wish if you let me F**k you in the ass."
At first the man says no way. But the leprechaun said "If you want one like this you'll have to let me."
Finally the man says ok and dropped his pants. When they were finished the man says "Oh man I can't believe I just did that!"
" And I can't believe you thought I was a freaking leprechaun!"

Lacye - posted on 01/28/2011

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A white man, a chinese man, and a black man came up to this haunted house one day. The white man says, "I'm not afraid of ghosts, I'm going to stay in the house." So he goes in and falls asleep.

In the middle of the night, the white man hears this voice. It says to him, "I am the ghost of Sir Patrick McBeany. Get out of my house or I'll cut off your weanie!" The white man ignores the voice and goes back to sleep. The next morning he wakes up and his penis has been chopped off. He runs out of the house screaming.

The chinese man says, "What a pussy. I'm going to stay in the house." So he goes in and falls asleep. He gets woken up in the middle of the night hearing this voice. It says to him, "I am the ghost of Sir Patrick McBeany. Get out of my house or I'll cut off your weanie!" The chinese man ignored the voice and went back to sleep. The next morning he wakes up and his penis has been cut off. He runs out of the house screaming.

The black man decides he's going to stay in the house. So he goes in and falls asleep. He wakes up in the middle of the night hearing a voice saying, "I'm the ghost of Sir Patrick McBeany! Get out of my house or I'll cut off your weanie!" The black man answers back, "I'm the ghost of Christmas past. Touch my balls and I'll kick your ass!"

~Jennifer - posted on 01/28/2011

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A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would," she replies.
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million dollars, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores."

~Jennifer - posted on 01/28/2011

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Two married friends are out drinking. One says to the other: "I can never sneak into the house after I've been drinking. I've tried everything. I turn the headlights off before I go up the drive. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off and creep upstairs. I get undressed in the bathroom. I do everything, but then my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out late."

His friend replies: "Do what I do. I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap my wife's bottom and say, "How about a blow job?" She always pretends she's asleep."

~Jennifer - posted on 01/28/2011

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Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"

So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"

She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

[deleted account]

I'm just posting to keep getting updates. I'll have to think about it and come back with a joke later.

Bonnie - posted on 01/28/2011

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An elderly man is having a visit with his doctor.

The doctor says, "well I have some not so bad news and some really bad news. The not so bad news is your hearing is going. The really bad news is you have cancer."

The elderly man says, "Well good thing I don't have cancer."

Veronica - posted on 01/28/2011

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You all have great jokes! hahahaha Such a relief to laugh, instead of be bitchy and pissed off! Keep bringing them on ladies!

Bonnie - posted on 01/28/2011

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A man comes home and says to his wife, "I just won the lottery, lets go."
The wife says, "Oh really? Where are we going?
The husband says, "I'm not going anywhere. Just pack your bags and get the fuck out!"

Nikkole - posted on 01/28/2011

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There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting
at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his
wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting here
at this breakfast table together."
"Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jay birds
fifty years ago this morning."
"Well," the old lady snickered, "What do you say...should we?"
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples
are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied the old man. "One's in your coffee and
the other one's in your oatmeal!"

Nikkole - posted on 01/28/2011

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This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!" she said.

"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."

"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."

"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"

"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"

Nikkole - posted on 01/28/2011

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A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"

Veronica - posted on 01/28/2011

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A minister, a doctor, a lawyer and a young boy are on an airplane. The airplane has troubles, and the pilot tells everyone to get out, he grabs a parachute and jumps - and there are only three parachutes left. The doctor grabs one and says, I need to live because I save people; the lawyer grabs one and says, "i need to live because im the smartest man in the world" , the minister and the boy look at the last parachute - the preist says,'go ahead and take it, ive lived my life, you are young and should go and live a long prosperous life.' The little boy says, thats ok, you dont have to do that - you see, the smartest man in the world, just jumped out with my backpack"

Bonnie - posted on 01/28/2011

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A grasshopper goes into a bar for a drink. Goes up to the bartender and bartender says, "Hey, did you know there is a drink named after you?"
The grasshopper looking confused says, "You have a drink named Harold?"

Mrs. - posted on 01/28/2011

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Alright, this is offensive to some and then some of may have heard it already and groaned..

A 40 year old man and a 10 year old are walking in a dark wood together. It starts to grow very late and the boy begins to shiver admitting to the man, "I'm scared."

The man answers, "You're scared, I gotta walk out of here all alone."

Yep. It's one of my finance's fav's.

~Jennifer - posted on 01/28/2011

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An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. Each orders a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and land-- one, two, three-- in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another... the Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, grabs the fly between his fingers and shakes him as hard as he can, shouting 'Spit it out, ya bloody bastard! Spit it out!'

Nicole - posted on 01/28/2011

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A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A wisecracking student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.

When the students finally settled down, the professor gave the student a long, appraising look. "Well", he responded, "I guess you'll just have to write with your other hand"

Veronica - posted on 01/28/2011

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With the first joke - the electric fence - we used for my grandparents 50th anniversary -- and filled it in with their names - too hilarious - hahhhahaha

~Jennifer - posted on 01/28/2011

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An Irish man shows up in a pub one day and orders three pints of Guinness. He takes sips from each glass until they are empty and calls the bartender for three more. The bartender says, 'Sure it's up to yourself, but wouldn't you rather I was bringing them one at a time? Then they'll be fresh and cold.'
'Nah...' your man says, ' I'm preferrin' that ye bring 'em three at a time. You see, me and me two brothers would meet at a pub and drink and have good times. Now one is in Australia, the other in Canada and I'm here. We agreed before we split up that we'd drink to each other's honour this way.'

'Well,' says the bartender, 'that's a grand thing to do, all right. I'll bring the pints as you ask.'

Well, time goes on and your man's peculiar habit is known and accepted by all the pub regulars. One day though, he comes in and orders only two pints. A hush falls over the pub. Naturally, everyone figures something happened to one of the brothers. A group of the regulars corner the bartender and finally persuade him to find out what happened. With a heavy heart, the bartender brings the two pints and says, 'Here's your pints... and let me offer my sincerest condolences. What happened?'

The Irish man looks extremely puzzled for a moment, and then starts laughing.

'Oh, no, no, no! 'Tis nothing like that. You see, I've given up drinking for Lent...'

~Jennifer - posted on 01/28/2011

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'...

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground..

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together.. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

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