Arranged Marriages

Tara - posted on 08/15/2010 ( 10 moms have responded )

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What is everybody's opinion on the tradition of a brides/grooms parents choosing their life long partner? Do you think this practice still holds any value in todays world? Or has it changed and is used differently, perhaps more young people are so busy they feel their parents are a better judge of character and have more time to find a suitable partner?

Can you learn to love someone?
Thoughts?

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Charlie - posted on 08/16/2010

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I had lots of boyfriends i would never have taken to meet my family , they just weren't good enough ( i know im a bitch LOL ) when i finally found someone good enough to meet the family i knew he was the one , 5 years later look where we are , very happy .

In an indirect way i guess my parents did have a big influence in who i chose for life , not the same i know .
Has anyone heard of the dating site run by mothers they match their kids up and send them on dates , i saw this on the view a few days ago .

Johnny - posted on 08/15/2010

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In and of itself, I don't have an issue with arranged marriages. I know quite a few people who have had them and are perfectly happy. I think like anything, some people abuse and pervert the practice and make it a horrible institution. But that is not necessarily simply because the marriage is arranged.

When I was in high school, one of my good friends had already had her marriage arranged for her. She was fine with it and never expressed any concern that her parents were not capable of choosing a good man for her. When we were in grade 12, she fell in love. With a student from the neighboring high school who had just moved here from her home country. Their parents were friends and she'd met him at a family party. They dated in secret for 2 years, until her parents one day surprised her by announcing that her future husband and his family were coming for dinner. And there he was standing at her front door with her parents. They are still happily married and now living back in India. She never wanted kids, and he has been fine with that. He supported her through getting her master's degee in dramatic writing and she works making Bollywood movies all about 'true love'.

In her case, she was lucky, her parents cared deeply about finding the right kind of boy from a good family who would treat their daughter well. Sadly, not all parents take that consideration. Many are looking to improve financial situations or form business arrangements, etc. I feel sorry for those spouses, unless they are actually lucky enough to at least like one another or maybe even fall in love.

Sharon - posted on 08/15/2010

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I think its how you are raised.

When you raised with the expectation of an arranged marriage - its just a part of life.

I was raised to think & do for myself. The thought is appalling and disgusting for me personally.

Stifler's - posted on 08/15/2010

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I think it's their culture. In our culture often our parents in law hate us and try to say that our boyfriends should still be with so and so etc. It's the same only we have way less respect for what our parents think.

Tah - posted on 08/15/2010

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i dont know..but i totally plan on picking my d-i-l's and s-i-l...so maybe im for it...

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I've had a lot of contact with many Muslims, some of whom have had arranged marriages. I always thought it was wrong and outdated blah blah blah but then I questioned my stance (and a couple of the boys who had arranged marriages) and one changed my mind completely. He told me:

'It is just the same as 'love' marriages except our parents have selected someone they feel is appropriate for us, for some of us we fall in love (he had with his wife) and for others it does not work (his brother had an arranged marriage, divorced and then a 'love' marriage - which so far is successful). He said that he had been looking for love and had not found it so why not give his parents a chance to keep a tradition alive.'

I found this brief conversation was really eye opening because I always perceived that arranged meant forced when in actual fact many are happy to go along with it.

Divorce rates amongst arranged marriages are much lower than divorce rates amongst 'love' marriages but this could be due to the fact within the cultures where arranged marriages take place divorce is more frowned upon.

The only time I have any issue with arranged marriage now is when one/ both parties are forced into it because everybody deserves a choice!

Charlie - posted on 08/15/2010

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one of my best friends is Indian he lived in Australia for years and was looking for love , his parents had an arranged marriage hooked up for him but said if he found love before he came home they would accept it , he didnt find love and ended up going back to India where he married his arranged bride ad you know what ? they are in love and have a child , he often says he cant believe his true love was there all along .

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 08/15/2010

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I know it is still practiced in some parts of the world, I do believe you can learn to love someone or at least like them enough that you learn to put up with them.
I don’t like the fact that when a young girl/woman is being forced to marry someone who she clearly does not like, that not fair!

Amie - posted on 08/15/2010

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I think it's outdated for here. I don't frown on others for doing it, though I do find it odd.



In today's world, do you mean our western world or other countries where it is still practiced as part of their culture and traditions?



In India arranged marriages are still a big part of their traditions. The way they handle it, that I've been able to research anyway, does not seem all that bad. The bride and groom still have some say.



I think, if people are compatible, you can learn to love someone. We all learn to love our partners over time in any case. We just don't do it after we're married. We start off as friends or acquaintances, with more meetings and time spent together a bond grows. It can, and probably does more often then we may think, in arranged marriages.

Barbara - posted on 08/15/2010

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I have known several people who've had arranged marriages, and they all seem to be quite happy in them. Sometimes, I think that commitment and general attitude are more important factors in deciding marital happiness than chemistry.

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