Asking too much of my husband?

[deleted account] ( 34 moms have responded )

If my husband is the one who usually cooks, be it for us, company he's invited, or for just him, is it asking to much to have him clean up his own messes, seeing as how I don't make messes when I cook anyway and clean it up afterward if I do?

Or should I be a better wife and clean up after my husband, even though I'm the one who does the laundry and we take turns on dishes (with our lovely dishwasher)?

Thoughts please...

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Mrs. - posted on 12/11/2010

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Totally agree with Barb. Keeping tabs kind of makes you angry.

That being said, wether you clean or not does not make you a "better wife", it just makes you a better maid. If you'd like him to clean up after, tell him. Have a talk about what you would like and see what he says. Everyone is different as far as housekeeping expectations in relationships.

In my case, my fiance does most of the dishes and a fair amount of the cooking. To be frank, he's better at it and when I do it he just goes over it again like Martha Stewart running a boarding house. It's his deal and I do a lot of the kid watching stuff he's not into. That's what we negotiated for us and it changes depending on how we're doing within it. I don't really care if it were to sound like I'm not a "good wife" cause my fiance does a lot of the cleaning cause it works for our family.

Petra - posted on 12/12/2010

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Lol - its not asking too much, Jaime. My partner is the same, except that he is the family cook. Epic food, epic messes. Basically, he cooks, we eat, I clean, he bathes the boy, and then we all hang out until bed-time. We're all occupied with household stuff and I prefer my version of "clean" to his, so it works out. I have made some pointed remarks about the size & scope of his cooking messes compared to mine, but it hasn't changed a thing. So, I just enjoy not cooking and deal with the mess afterward.

Barb - posted on 12/12/2010

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Becky said: I do agree though, that keeping tabs just makes you angry. I tend to keep tabs a little too much sometimes, and can end up pretty resentful, which is not a good thing."

I used to keep tabs on Doug and this was the same result, anger and resentment. I'm sorry to say i can't recall who helped me with this but they told me to start keeping tabs on what he DID do.
He took out the trash. He worked on laundry. He did something with the kids. he brought me lunch at work, he ran an unexpected errand for me etc etc.

so when the "did do" list became longer than the "did not do" list, there were no more lists to keep.

the only tabs i'd like to keep is one on his wallet, or keys, or glasses, or remote, or paperwork or his ass in general really. :) because if his ass wasn't attached he'd lose that too. bless him

Becky - posted on 12/11/2010

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I generally cook and clean up after. It bugs me when my husband doesn't even clear his own dishes off the table after I've made supper. But that's beside the point.
I personally would say that if you're making a mess while you're cooking - cutting veggies, spilling stuff, whatever, you should clean it up as you go. It's not that much effort to sweep the carrot peelings into the garbage! Same with putting the flour back in the pantry and the milk back in the fridge. You take it out, you put it back.
I do agree though, that keeping tabs just makes you angry. I tend to keep tabs a little too much sometimes, and can end up pretty resentful, which is not a good thing.

Jodi - posted on 12/11/2010

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No idea, we don't keep count. Sometimes he cooks AND cleans up. Sometimes I cook AND clean up. Sometimes I cook and HE cleans up, and so on. Honestly, we just basically have a bit of an unspoken code that one of us doesn't get to sit down and put our feet up for the evening until the other one does. So even if I'm cleaning up after him, he is doing something else that needs to be done that if he didn't do it, it may end up being left to me the next day or something. So we just do whatever needs to be done, and there is never any bitching about it.



And at the end of it all....we get to sit down and have time out together or we get to go off and enjoy our separate hobbies (one or the other, depending on the night). So it's win-win really.

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Corinne - posted on 12/12/2010

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My husband is a chef so it's rare for him to be home at meal times. It's usually me who cooks and then gets to stare out of the window while washing up! When he is home and is cooking, I try to flit in and out and clean up behind him as, like I said, he's a chef so everything gets thrown about or dumped on the side. :)

[deleted account]

We both do whatever needs to be done. It's a team and partnership. Now, I'm a SAHM so more of the daily household duties fall into my lap. But when he is home and not taking care of the yard (which I suck at and he enjoys) he'll lend a hand without being asked. If the baby needs to be changed, he'll do it. If he's sitting in front of the TV and I notice his coffee cup is empty, I'll refill it for him (if I'm getting up anyway). We don't even think about it. We both take care of each others needs as they pop up. We're not perfect, but there are minimal arguments over household and childcare duties.

Bonnie - posted on 12/12/2010

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Sharon, you mentioned your husband leaves the kitchen messy with spoon marks, pieces of meat on the counter, etc., I go through the same thing with my husband. I think it's a man thing in general. They do things too quickly without being careful while they do it. I think us ladies are more careful as we are cooking because we know we have to clean up anyways :-)

Sandra - posted on 12/12/2010

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Man, I keep hearing that some husbands sometimes cook, or will clean if you cook, or AT LEAST put the kid in the bath. Or to bed. I get none of that. Literally. NONE. Well, once every other week or so he'll put him to bed. But every other night he bitches about how I do it. (I prefer to co-sleep. Or at least have Elijah in the pack 'n' play next to the bed-He'll bitch, but won't ever do anything to to help the "own room/real crib" transition.) Plus he works grave-shift 1 day a week and goes out with his friends until somewhere between 12 and 2 am another 2 (maybe 3) nights a week. So he's only really only around (hopefully) 4, usually 2 or 3, nights a week. If he's not going to be around, I'm going to give his side of the bed away! To my son! At least he appreciates being close to his mommy....



But really man, I'd just be happy if he was around to even think about helping me! Just the thought at least! Not bitch about what I'm "not doing enough of."

Nelly - posted on 12/12/2010

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Be greatful that your husband cooks so just clean up its no big deal. My husband is great in so many but he doesn't cook or clean the house or do laundry as a stay at home mom I do it all

Stifler's - posted on 12/12/2010

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I don't keep tabs but sometimes my husband does. If he is mowing the lawn he comes back in and tells me that I should be doing something like as if I should be making him pumpkin scones as a reward for his hard work or something. It's hilarious and I continue to sit on Facebook the whole time.

C. - posted on 12/12/2010

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Personally, I feel that one partner should cook and the other should clean up. It's not always easy cooking for people, especially when you've invited company.



With that being said, if he's just cooking for himself, then yes he should clean up his own mess. But if he's cooking for the entire family and/or company, it should be 50/50, IMO.



For example.. I cooked my behind off on Thanksgiving. Literally, I spent all day in the kitchen until about 5pm. Hubby did the dishes.

Stifler's - posted on 12/12/2010

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I am guilty of NOT doing the dishes and just leaving the kitchen a mess, putting Logan into bed and watching tv on the couch all night and then doing it the next day.

[deleted account]

I'm with you Jaime. In our house, if you cook, you wash the dishes. My husband makes a huge mess when he cooks and seems to use every single pot and utensil. It also means that we both get a couple of nights to truly do nothing and relax.

Meghan - posted on 12/11/2010

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I haven't read the other comments but the way I roll...if I cook dinner, someone else cleans (my current situation, my mom does.) If my mom cooks dinner, I clean. And the few times my b/f has been over and I have cooked for him, he has offered to clean (Was very shocked seeing as my ex was a lazy p.o.s)
With that being said though, it isn't going to the man (or the wife) to do the whole thing "just cause." Or maybe clean together after..one can rinse, the other can load.

Veronica - posted on 12/11/2010

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I dont think you are asking too much of your husband.
But personally, id be simply happy with the fact that he cooked at all -- my hubby will cook once in a blue moon - which is a nice break for me -- but he is working at nights, so i dont always get that. A helping spouse is an awesome asset in a relationship/marriage:)

Isobel - posted on 12/11/2010

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now that I think of it...I generally cook, and he generally does the dishes ;P

Isobel - posted on 12/11/2010

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I haven't read any replies yet, but in our house, the one who cooks, doesn't have to clean the kitchen...the one who does the laundry doesn't have to fold it and put it away...it works for us :)

Shauna - posted on 12/11/2010

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b/c thats men for ya!!!! id rather do all the cooking/cleaning ... and he can go trim the grass or paint or fix something :)

Sharon - posted on 12/11/2010

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lol jaime - mine makes a mess preparing hamburger helper. OMG. I might not mind if he were preparing a REAL homecooked meal, lol.

The difference between us is 1. I make REAL meals, 2. I don't leave a lot of crap on the counter. I might leave the vinegar bottle out and the EVOO on the counter, but he leaves spoon marks, drips and bits of raw meat all over the place, HOW? I have no idea.

Stifler's - posted on 12/11/2010

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I include all that in doing the dishes lol. When Damian does the dishes it's like shoving things in the dishwasher and turning it on. I expect the kitchen tidy and benches wiped or it's not done. So I just do it myself and he can do something else.

[deleted account]

Heather, I can totally understand what you mean...

But I can make the same thing he makes and no, my mess is NOTHING compared to his. He's just a messy cook! If he's making chili, there's pieces of peppers and seeds left on the counter, tomato sauce all over the stove, and meat dropped onto the burners. If he's making pizza, there's cheese everywhere and crumbs galore. I don't even want to know what would happen if he made cookies! So pretty much, all his messes are unnecessary, IMO.

This isn't about the dishes, because I'm fine with doing them whether he cooks or not. It's about the mess he leaves on the stove, on the counter, in the floor, and often wherever he decides to sit down and eat. I'm a pretty messy person, yes, but I don't leave food remnants everywhere...

Shauna - posted on 12/11/2010

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In my house i do the cooking and all the cleaning, i also work full time but i dont pay the bills my husband does ... my money is just fun money and he works 2 jobs and always about 80-90 hrs a week... hes so tired i feel its my responsibility to do these things. He doesnt mind helping out, but i would rather do these things to ensure its done "right" haha

Bonnie - posted on 12/11/2010

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I usually clean up. My husband doesn't do as good a job lol. He can do the dishes sometimes though.

Sharon - posted on 12/11/2010

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Oh, now thats a tough one.

When i cook, he cleans up the mess.

When he cooks, he cleans up the mess.

sooooo....?

Sandra - posted on 12/11/2010

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Personally, I believe that one should cook and the other wash. Unless someone is cooking strictly for themselves. Then they get to do both. Unfortunately, that's not exactly the way it seems to work in my house. It seems to be that I cook, and clean. All he does is bitch if its not done in a timely enough manner. Or it'll 5:00 and I'm about to start dinner, he decides that he doesn't want to wait and goes and gets take out for just himself. So I get to cook and clean for a dinner that was meant for him also. It's annoying.



Being a good wife has nothing to do with cleaning. It has to do with love and support. With acceptance and kindness.

Rosie - posted on 12/11/2010

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my husband and i had a little talk about what's expected of each other when we started living together, so we just follow our agreement (well, at least i do, but that's a whole other vent,gah).
i think you should work out an agreement that both of you can live with, and go from there. :)

Lady Heather - posted on 12/11/2010

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If it's for a meal, it's nice when the person who cooks doesn't have to clean. So I think if you have people over for dinner and he cooks it you should offer to clean just because you HAVE to eat and it's not really fair to call it a mess when it's completely necessary to make it.

If it's something like he just likes baking cookies and cakes and crap (like I do), then he should clean up after himself because at that point it's just for fun and no longer a necessary mess.

This is just a basic guideline. It does not always work this way in our house. Sometimes it makes more sense for the person who cooked to also clean or sometimes I'll go on a baking spree and my husband will just jump in and clean. But as a general rule, I think it is best to pick up after your own unnecessary messes and help with the necessary ones you didn't make whenever you can. I hope that makes some form of sense.

Barb - posted on 12/11/2010

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It just made me blood angry.~

Katherine, and that's not the sexy angry either!

Katherine - posted on 12/11/2010

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It's been my experience with my marriage over the years that when you keep tabs all you really keep is resentment.
Awesome point! Parenting each other too. My husband used to parent me to no end and I would get soooo mad. It just made me blood angry.

Stifler's - posted on 12/11/2010

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Washing up is the cook's privilege my mum always used to say. But the other one of us baths baby and puts him to bed.

Mary - posted on 12/11/2010

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Fiona, we live by the same rule - one cooks, the other cleans. 90% of the time I'm the one cooking (and the one who did all the shopping). Some nights, one of us does end up doing both, which is not the end of the world.

Barb is totally right, though - keeping tabs is for siblings, not your spouse.

Barb - posted on 12/11/2010

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It's been my experience with my marriage over the years that when you keep tabs all you really keep is resentment.

I've also found that sometimes we aren't able to give 100% so the other has to give 150% to pick up the slack. Sometimes it's him, sometimes it's me. but we don't keep score.
I've also found i'm not a mind reader. He's not allowed to get mad at me if he hasn't given me a chance to ignore him.

[deleted account]

Hmmm, we always had the agreement: one cooks, the other cleans up which works if the one cooking cleans up a bit after themselves as they go. Doesn't always work out fairly but, just like doing the dishes every night, we don't have a strict schedule or roster, it just always gets done by one of us and if one of us feels we are carrying too much of a load, we let the other know it's time to step up. But, then we both work/study from home so it helps that we are both around to see the messes getting made (I just seem to notice it first, males are often gifted with domestic blindness). We are equals in our relationship, same applies to our keeping house!

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