Being in love ???

Charlie - posted on 09/30/2009 ( 15 moms have responded )

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i was interested to read on another community many women saying LOVE is not a feeling it's a decision ( in relation to a husband falling out of love with his wife )

do you think love in general is a decision or a feeling ??
i am genuinely curios.

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Lindsay - posted on 09/30/2009

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I'm going to cheat and say both! Initially, love is a feeling. It comes from connecting with someone and the feelings develop. Then you make a decision to act on it and to stay with it. You make a decision to nurture a relationship to keep the feelings there.

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Amie - posted on 10/03/2009

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I think love is both.

Love is a true and genuine feeling but to continue that love and make sure it stays is a decision people have to make.

Too many couples figure they are in love that's all you need. No you don't, it still requires work to maintain a relationship. I love my husband with my heart and soul. There is little I would not do for him, just as there is little he would not do for me.

To make sure our relationship works and we don't fall out of love though we make the conscience effort to grow together as people and separately as individuals. I do wholeheartedly believe the divorce rate is so high now a days because more people do not work on their relationships like we do. More and more people are taking the easy way out.

We do not plan on being a statistic though. We are like minded (for the most part) about our parenting style, we have mutual friends and separate friends, we have activities we enjoy doing together and ones we enjoy doing separately. It's all about balance.

The reason we never married someone else before we met each other is because that balance was not there. That's where your head (decisions) come into it. I loved my ex like no other but I knew he would make a crappy husband so we never married. Good thing too or I would be divorced. ha. It was the same thing with my husband and one of his exes.

It is a feeling, very much so, but to get that complete feeling a person must be willing to let go and let their heart feel it. Then bring your head into and decide is love enough? Can I see myself loving this same person 10 years from now? Until the end of my life? Does he/she support me and trust me? Will they grow with me or will they go about their own way and just expect me to always be here and be the same?

These are not decisions a person makes right away though. These are decisions a person makes after spending a good deal of time with their other half. Sometimes after going through all that the decision to marry is made but marriage is not the end all and be all of relationships either. People are just as happy to stay together, buy a house, have kids, set up a life and never get married. It's not that they don't believe their partner is not the one to spend their life with, they just don't need that piece of paper to say that they are.

Christa - posted on 10/02/2009

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I think it's both. I think with relation to your kids, it's an automatic feeling. I've never been real "lovey dovey" and even when I was pregnant I was happy about the baby and everything but I was sort of indifferent, but the second she came out it was the strongest feeling I've ever had. Still I look at her and am totally overwhelmed with joy, I think only a mother can really understand that feeling. In relation to your spouse I think the feeling of love is actually lust. That initial passion of "being in love", but I think as it goes on it changes into more of a decision. When he smells and has put on a few pounds and doesn't do as much around the house as you would like, it's a decision to still love him, the “feeling” has passed. It might come back after he does the dishes and showers. LOL

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I have to agree with the women that say both...in relationships I think there are times when we are soo busy, especially with kids, that you may forget about what brought you together to have those kids... I think in some ways feeling that you have fallen out of love more or less means that you are bored in your relationship, that it feels monotnous/routine/predictable... I don't think this means you have necessarily truely fallen out of love, but wish for spontaneity, excitement, to be needed... On that note I think that a large part of love may be a decision you conciously make to maintain that level of love or commitment during ALL the ups and downs and not cop out when the work gets tough

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Love can be a feeling. Most people love their children without it being a choice. Love can also be a choice. Couples sometimes fall out of love, but stay married and some are happy too. You don't have to be in love to be happy. I do believe that love is about caring for others rather than being in it to get something back. Me and my husband are lucky because we have feelings too, but it hasn't always been that way.

Dana - posted on 10/01/2009

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I have to say it's a feeling and can be a decision. At first I thought, it's just a feeling but then I thought of Anna Nicole Smith. I'm sure she didn't start off being in love with the old guy (can't remember his name and I don't quite care enough to look it up. lol) but, I think some part of her did love him at some point.



I think of how I love my husband and my son. It is such an awesome feeling, I FEEL sad for anyone who thinks it's a decision.

Louise - posted on 09/30/2009

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i'd say love is a mixture of both. the feeling of loving someone may be there..but unless you make the decision to act upon it and keep the love going is something a feelin can't dictate. Someone once told me that love is both the most amazing and the most painfull feeling they have ever had.. and its true. love is hard and always needs commitment and working at..

?? - posted on 09/30/2009

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I think LOVE itself is a feeling. I think everything that comes from love is a decision.



You don't decide you want to love a person, it isn't an action, a thought process, you can't really put a pro vs con list against the feeling of love. But deciding to act on that feeling of love is a decision. Everything after the initial acceptance of the feeling of love - deciding to act on the love, to address it, acknowledge it vocally, with a smile, by moving forward with the process of a relationship etc - that is the decision aspect of LOVE.



I think that goes with every emotion. Whether its anger, hurt, disappointment, sadness, happiness, lust, passion/compassion, etc, etc, etc. Whether they're love or hate related all of those FEELINGS are reaction based, they're all "knee-jerk" responses to someone or something that is natural and completely involuntary.



It's what you do with the feeling that is the "decision."

Jeannette - posted on 09/30/2009

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I see love as a commitment. I love my kids when they make me angry, sad, happy, frustrated...I love (am committed to) them still. I love my husband through our bad times and good times. I choose not to hate him when things get difficult or if I feel disappointed, I love him through these hard times.

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Can I say both? I think there is a feeling element to it-but that sometimes, like when you're having a bad day, you have to make a decision to say-I love you. I'm mad right now, but I love you. You can also choose to walk away from that feeling-say if the person you love isn't good for you or if the two of you don't have the same overall goals, which could cause problems later on. But if the overall feeling isn't there anymore, and the bad days far outnumber the good, then you have to stop wasting your time, I think, and realize that the love is "gone," for lack of better words. Life is too short to spend it unhappily.

Isobel - posted on 09/30/2009

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I also believe it is a feeling...as we grow, we change. Sometimes we become different people somewhere along the way. It stands to reason that one morning some people wake up and realize that they either are not the same person they used to be, or their spouse isn't...then realize they don't love that person beside them...sad but true.

Sarah - posted on 09/30/2009

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I don't think love is a decision, it is a feeling. And I really do think it is possible to fall out of love with someone. Everyone changes as they get older and feelings can change too. But you don't just decide to love someone, you feel the love (or don't) and go from there.

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