biting your child

Rosie - posted on 08/21/2010 ( 97 moms have responded )

8,657

30

321

i rarely go the welcome page, and i think it's becasue of posts like this one. a woman was asking how to get her 10 month old to stop biting her. almost everybody's reply was to bite her back. i sat there wondering what in the hell these people are thinking!!!?
do you believe this works, or is acceptable? and why if you do?

i obviously don't think it's appropriate to do to your child. i don't comprehend how biting them will teach them that biting is not ok. seems to me like it would do the opposite.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

?? - posted on 08/21/2010

4,974

0

172

mmmm baby, the other white meat.



I think it depends on the kid, honestly. I think if I bit my son, he'd bite more. That's his personality. But I know of a few kids who would bite people because they know that hitting hurts, but they had never been bitten before so they didn't 'know' that it hurt. So their mothers, not in anger or out of frustration but in a demonstration of what it feels like, bit their child (not hard, but enough to show them that it does hurt) and all of them NEVER bit again and have never bit another child.



I think of it in the same measure as spanking. When we were growing up we had 500+1 chances. We were warned 3 times, we were put in time out, we had priviledges taken away and at the end mom would say "If you do it again, you're gonna get a spanking." And if we did it again, she would swat our asses. It wasn't out of anger, it wasn't out of frustration, it was the consiquence. We had ample opportunity to learn and she gave us plenty of chances to not do it again. And there are only a handful, if that, of times that she actually had to get to the spanking consiquence.



I don't think it's right to hit, bite, swat, yell, scream, anything in anger or frustration or out of any emotion. But I do think that if used properly and utilized in a demonstrative fashion, biting a child will teach them the consiquence of their action.



They learn that biting isn't like screaming, yelling, throwing something at nothing, or throwing themselves on the ground and flailing like a mad chimpanzee.......... it shows them that their action DOES indeed inflict pain onto another person and there fore it's unacceptable.



Editted to add:



I am talking about age appropriate demonstration as well. A 10 month old has no freakin clue what they're doing. A 2-3+ year old can understand. AND I am not talking about a mother getting pissed right the F off and biting her kid and saying SEE IF F'ING HURTS. I'm talking about sitting the child down, calmly, asking them if they know it hurts when they bite you, explaining why it hurts and then showing them what you mean, in a way that they understand that you're not TRYING to hurt them, but just explaining how it does hurt.



Just to be clear.

Ez - posted on 08/21/2010

6,569

25

237

I'm deadly serious Emma. If everyone you knew jumped off the Harbour Bridge, would you do that too? If you're basing your parenting ideals purely on what you see others doing, I would encourage you to do some independent research on other forms of discipline.

Tara - posted on 08/22/2010

2,567

14

114

To me that is abusive. You hear often in cases where a child has been apprehended and the authorities find bite marks on a child, it's abusive then right?
To me it makes no difference *why* an adult bites a child or baby, it is still abuse. We are adults with the power of words, to resort to biting your toddler or child to *prove* that biting hurts is barbaric and moronic. I had a biter, lol she started biting her sisters at age 14 months or so. She was immediately removed from the situation, placed in a "safe zone" where she couldn't get to them ie. in another room, behind a gate etc. so she was separated from them. She was told biting hurts and if she had made someone cry, then she was made to see the tears and hear the cry, so that she could learn EMPATHY not the fine art of RETALIATION!!
Childish, uninformed, misguided and immature parents....
>

Tara - posted on 08/24/2010

2,567

14

114

It does not matter what type of child you have. It does matter if you "know" him (we all know our children). These reasons do not give anyone the right to spank or hit or bite a child. They have should have the same right to live free of violence as every one else does. Corporal punishment is not a way to raise productive, compassionate, empathetic people. It's just not how it works.You can't teach them empathy when your reaction to their emotions is violence. Even if it is a "controlled, calm reprimand on a padded bum" etc. it is still an unwanted invasion of their space in order to control them. We should be teaching them to understand their feelings and how they affect others. And this starts as early as infancy, through bonding etc. and is so important when acts of aggression are concerned. Teaching them to communicate with other people of all ages is the best gift to give them.
Biting them tells them only an eye for an eye mentality. Again they don't need to feel hot flame in order to be taught not to touch fire. They don't need to know what it feels like in order to learn not to bite people.
Physical punishment is an act of control over someone smaller than someone else. Whether it's in a school yard with a bully, in a bar with an asshole, in a home with a husband or in a home with children.
There are ALWAYS other ways.

?? - posted on 08/22/2010

4,974

0

172

10 months, 4 years, 6 years, 10 years.... who cares... chili, hot sauce, tobasco sauce is 100% unacceptable... there's absolutely no justification for that. No matter the age of the child :| :| :| that's fuuuuuuuuuckered

This conversation has been closed to further comments

97 Comments

View replies by

Tara - posted on 09/02/2010

2,567

14

114

I've lived on the island for a short time over 10 years ago. It is beautiful and full of really cool people, now I remember you! You have the blueberry farm, the smuckers contract and the worm!! lol
There are so many cool homeschoolers in BC, I know there is a larger community of us there than anywhere else in the country. Check this link to find a list of groups, there's even one in your neck of the woods, if you are ever interested I"m sure you could try it out, or at least meet some other people.
http://www.flora.org/homeschool-ca/bc/su...
I think you would make a great homeschooling mom and I think from what I know of you, you would truly enjoy the benefits and lifestyle it has to offer.
:)If you ever want any other info, I'm a great researcher and I have tons of sites with great info.
In BC there are two ways to do it, one of them allows for a budget to purchase supplies, lessons etc.
:)tara
If it weren't for my mom I would move out west in a heartbeat

[deleted account]

So, in light of this most recent geographical discovery, does that mean you're not willing to homeschool Roxanne? *winks*

British Columbia is extremely beautiful!

[deleted account]

Haha! I've always wanted to visit there too and I actually have relatives in Australia BUT I'm proud to say that I'm Canadian. I live in Abbotsford (not far from Vancouver), British Columbia...*giggles* I like that you think I'm an Aussie....what an honor! Do you picture me with an accent too?

Tara - posted on 09/02/2010

2,567

14

114

lol You're in the land down under aren't you? I've always wanted to visit there. hmmm... it's funny though cause I have people ask me all the time if I would homeschool their children. I already teach to a varied age group within my own family and I have swapped kids with my best friend who homeschools her kids, I had hers 3 days a week every week for 6 months, all day and night too. She was working night shifts and so the kids were with me, living and learning just like our own kids.
We made movies on the camcorder, we staged plays, built things, went on hikes, cooked, baked, etc. all the while teaching math, English, natural history and best of all cooperation and compassion.
I've said no to everyone else based on the fact that I like what we're doing right now and I don't want to tamper with it.
:)

Tara - posted on 09/02/2010

2,567

14

114

I agree with Jamie,
Giving a child something safe to chew on allows them to express their frustration and/or satisfy the need to chew due to teething it validates their feelings but puts parameters on what is acceptable and what is not.
And there is ALWAYS another method to parent that does not include using any physical force, or retaliatory actions. It is never alright to hit, pinch, bite, smack, pop, kick, tweak, flick etc. anyone, PERIOD. Unless in a case of self-defense.
It might "work" for some people, but that doesn't make it right. Tying your kid to the deck so they don't run away might work but it's not right.
I promise there is always another way. I have raised 6 kids ages 9 months through to 17 years, they have never been physically disciplined. They are excellent people.
Other things work, but I think for the most part people who choose not to do the research or talk to other moms or who simply say "It worked for my other kid, or it worked on me" etc. are really just taking the easy way out. It's easier to bite than to teach.
Tara

[deleted account]

I agree with Jaime, providing a child with another outlet for their biting is a wonderful idea. Children get frustrated just like adults and they need to learn how to channel that frustration.

Jaime - posted on 09/02/2010

4,427

24

197

Oh and Cindy...giving a kid something that they can bite is not a bad idea. In fact it makes perfect sense. When a kid is teething or frustrated, often they become aggressive and need to release that tension. The easiest target is usually a parent or sibling. Stifling their behaviour is not always the answer. I've said it a few times, but even as adults we still need ways to release our aggression. If you child is biting people, then give them a toy or doll they CAN bite without hurting anyone. This gives the child an appropriate outlet for their behaviour. There's no sense trying to stop a behaviour that is sometimes necessary (when babies and toddlers teethe, they bite and chew). So, my advice is for people to stop trying so hard to control their children, and work on focusing their behaviour in a positive manner that works for everyone involved.

Jaime - posted on 09/02/2010

4,427

24

197

I will say again that biting a child back is a stupid rationale. All it proves is that you are a bully. You are the parent, you are in control of your actions, you have the mind-set to BE in control of your actions and you should have the discipline to be in control. The whole "my kid bit me so I bit him back and he never did it again" excuse is just pathetic! Kids CAN learn not to bite, hit, kick, punch and slap without being bit, hit, kicked, punched, or slapped...I PROMISE!

[deleted account]

Oh, I forgot to tell you. I had a therapist actually give me a piece of hard plastic to place around her neck & when she started to bite, tell her to bite the plastic! My then 13yr. old son & I just looked at each other. When she left, my son threw the thing away & said "That's crazy, we want her to STOP biting, not learn to bite something else"! People are always giving good advice, but what works for some, might not work for others. Good luck.

[deleted account]

My daughter used to bite me all the time, and anybody else she could torment. People & therapists used to tell me to bite her back, but I never could. Whenever she would bite me or other family members we would stop whatever was going on & just walk away. We would tell her "We will not play w/you if you bite". She finally got the message & has been doing really well. Whenever she gets over stimulated or really stressed she would bite! Just tell your baby "No" & walk away. Soon or later they will get the message. Good Luck, I know this is hard & it hurts!

Kate CP - posted on 09/01/2010

8,942

36

758

The reason the prison population has increased is because of the "war on drugs". More people are in jail for possession of an illegal substance than for a violent offense. Spanking has nothing to do with prison population one way or another. It has nothing to do with violent crimes one way or another (which, by the way, have decreased steadily every year since 1996 in the US).

On to the original topic: is biting your child back okay/acceptable and does it work? Personally, I think it's kind of stupid. When a puppy I'm training bites me I don't bite him back. Sure, he may not understand that it hurts me when he bites but biting him back will make him think it's a game and it's time to play rough (not to mention I don't want a mouth full of fur). I do the same thing with kids I do with puppies: I yelp "OUCH!" and withdraw attention from them. If it's a child I'll say "That hurt! Don't bite me!" and show them an appropriate way to touch (hugs, kisses, pats). If it's a puppy I'll wait until they start to lick and I'll pet them and say "Nice kisses!" so they associate giving licks as an appropriate form of attention. Positive reinforcement works wonders on all animals great and small. Some days I'm tempted to clicker train my kid...;)

Charlie - posted on 09/01/2010

11,203

111

409

well you just proved my point .

You see i know there are a multitude of reasons for a person landing in jail from enviroment to the level of care and nututring recieved , i was merely replying to the rediculous notion that NOT being spanked would somehow land them in jail with "tiny" its irrelevent and just another excuse for your actions

[deleted account]

The statistic "85% of prisoners were spanked as children" is completely irrelevant since 80% of the entire population were spanked as children. Say there was an 80% population of black people in a country, and there was an 85% population of black people in that country's prisons. Well, that wouldn't mean that those people were in prison because of their skin color. It's just a law of probability at work. And actually, spanking has decreased since 1975, yet the percent of our population in prison has increased since the late 1970's.

Charlie - posted on 08/30/2010

11,203

111

409

That whole post made me cringe ugh so many things to debate from going against your own instincts to the term whooping butt and basing your reasons not to spank on one parents ways of discipline ( if she has any at all ) and the prison thing well statistics show 85% of prisoners were spanked as children .

Sorry there is nothing kind or empathetic about spanking , how can an action you feel bad about be kind or empathetic , your instincts are speaking to you .

There is a difference between letting a kid get away with anything and disciplining using strong guidance and leading by example , positive discipline methods are not easy it takes persistence and consistency .

As much as i would love to pick apart that post in fine detail i have to read a story to my son but i will be back later .

[deleted account]

ANY discipline we give our children is unwanted by the child, and all discipline is given in an effort to control behavior. I just don't believe that spanking a child is never appropriate. Some of these hoodlum kids I see running around need their butt whooped. I know a mom who is the "Stop. Don't do that" type of parent. Her kids are hellions! Yes, I spank my 5-year-old son on rare occasions when nolthing else works and his behavior is unacceptable, and I will continue to do so! Because I would rather do it than some prison inmate named Tiny! My parents spanked me and my brother every once in while when we were really bad, and we both turned out to be very empathetic, kind, generous, good people. We both would do just about anything for just about anybody. You cannot compare spanking your child to school yard bullying. That's just ridiculous. A bully pushes other people around to get some sick satisfaction, to make themselves feel more powerful by bringing others down to the level they feel they are on. I don't get any pleasure whatsoever out of spanking my child. I hate seeing my child cry because they had something taken away or had to sit in time-out or got a spanking. But I do it because that is my job to teach them that there are consequences to your actions. If I don't do it, someone else will, and the punishment will most likely be far more severe than what I'm dishing out. I am confident in my ability to raise my kids to be kind, independent, responsible adults one day. I get compliments about my kids' behavior, attitudes, and intelligence almost every day, so I must be doing something right.

[deleted account]

My social worker (I have one because I suffer mental illness and need help with bonding and parenting) told me to bite my son back when he bit me, I tried it once and all he did was giggle and bit me harder. Now I just point my finger and say in a loud clear stern voice "No Biting" It's worked so far as he slides off my lap and goes and "sulks" for a few minutes before coming back for a cuddle I find this really effective as he's only 9 1/2 months, and so far he hasn't bitten me in over a week.

Tara - posted on 08/28/2010

2,567

14

114

Once again I will voice my opinion on this because it's still active. For those who know, don't bother, it's copied and pasted from earlier in the thread. :)
It does not matter what type of child you have. It does matter if you "know" him (we all know our children). These reasons do not give anyone the right to spank or hit or bite a child. They have should have the same right to live free of violence as every one else does. Corporal punishment is not a way to raise productive, compassionate, empathetic people. It's just not how it works.You can't teach them empathy when your reaction to their emotions is violence. Even if it is a "controlled, calm reprimand on a padded bum" etc. it is still an unwanted invasion of their space in order to control them. We should be teaching them to understand their feelings and how they affect others. And this starts as early as infancy, through bonding etc. and is so important when acts of aggression are concerned. Teaching them to communicate with other people of all ages is the best gift to give them.
Biting them tells them only an eye for an eye mentality. Again they don't need to feel hot flame in order to be taught not to touch fire. They don't need to know what it feels like in order to learn not to bite people.
Physical punishment is an act of control over someone smaller than someone else. Whether it's in a school yard with a bully, in a bar with an asshole, in a home with a husband or in a home with children.
There are ALWAYS other ways.

Rosie - posted on 08/28/2010

8,657

30

321

i will say that i kindof understand what you all are talking about with an older child (still wouldn't do it, but i can kindof see your position), but with a 10 month old? seems so wrong to me.

[deleted account]

When my son was about 2 1/2 he started hitting people in the face when he got upset. I tried everything, nothing worked. And then one day when he did it to me, I lightly popped him on his cheek, just as hard as he had hit me. He never did it again, and neither did I. I don't think people are saying you should bite your child in retaliation, but rather to show them what it feels like. Every child is different, of course. But with some kids, all they need is a taste of their own medicine and a talk about how it made them feel and how they shouldn't make other people feel that way in order for them to stop doing it. I don't think these people are advising that you draw blood or anything like that either. More like just enough to show them it is uncomfortable. Every time my son has ever done something like this and I have tried the "taste-of-your-own-medicine" tactic, he has immediately stopped doing it. And he is not damaged because of it. He is a very kind, empathetic, smart, funny, laid-back kid who is not afraid to admit to me when he did something he wasn't supposed to do.

Nicole - posted on 08/25/2010

64

2

1

wow i was only little when it happened but i remember biting my dad and he bit me back.NEVER did it again.my oldest son went through exactly the same thing around the 1 yr old mark he was biting kids at the day care left right and centre.i sat there one morning and watched him bite 2 different children and all the carers are allowed to do is pull him aside and explain he was not to do that.As he went for the third child i thought bugger this,i got up walked over to him got his hand and bit it,he cryed but he never bit again.i understand all this dont do it to them if you dont wont them doing it to you stuff but he needed to realise that it hurt and weeks of explaining to him just wasn't getting through to him.sometimes depending on the child thats all it takes.

Charlie - posted on 08/25/2010

11,203

111

409

shouldnt parents find out the reasons for biting and address that instead ?

Lyndsay - posted on 08/25/2010

2,008

19

175

I would just like to clarify, once again, this thing about our stupid rationale. It's not "I'm going to bite him to show him that it hurts". In my case, anyway, my toddler was smart enough to tell from my reaction that biting hurts. Imitating the behaviour reverses the roles and puts him in my place, where I was just seconds ago, and my asking him how he feels about it helps him to get a better understanding of how his biting makes other people feel. I really only had to do this a couple of times... after that, he figured out that mommy doesn't like it when Aaron hurts her, just like Aaron doesn't like it when he gets hurt, so we shouldn't bite because it makes people feel bad.

Do I think this is something that would work with every child? Not likely. If your kid hasn't caught on after the second or third time, he probably isn't going to... so it's time to try something new. But it worked for me.

Charlie - posted on 08/25/2010

11,203

111

409

Its not the degree of pain ( or no pain ) inflicted its the act of biting .

[deleted account]

For those of you so dead against it. How hard do you think the bite is?
I can tell you now that my children trust me. It wasn't a trust breaker it did not teach that Mummy will hurt cause my daughter never, after the 1 time i did it, Treated me like i was evil and out to hurt her. She doesn't even remember me doing it i'm sure.

Stifler's - posted on 08/25/2010

15,141

154

604

Someone lock the thread. The argument is going nowhere except that everyone makes their own choices on how to deal with their children's behaviour.

Jenni - posted on 08/25/2010

5,928

34

393

At 10 months biting is an experiment. We all know babies explore the world with their mouths. Well it just so happens "you" are a part of that world. I think the bigger of an issue you make out of it the more the behaviour will continue. It's all about cause and effect. That's how our little chompers learn. If i chomp mommy i can make her make a funny high pitched noise. If the effect is a return "bite" baby learns mommy can cause me pain. It's a big trust breaker. What people should be telling these moms is that it's a stage and it will pass. If you give an interesting reaction to the bite, baby is likely to want to see that reaction again.

[deleted account]

I like Loureen's suggestion if you really feel the need to show them that it hurts use their arm against their own teeth so they can feel they are sharp. Don't bite them that teaches them nothing except mommy will hurt me!

Jaime - posted on 08/25/2010

4,427

24

197

The "I bit them back to show them that it hurts" is a STUPID rationale! Plain and effing simple!

[deleted account]

I can't even comment because I have absolutely nothing productive to say. It's taking everything in me to keep these comments to myself and I feel like head is going to explode.

Charlie - posted on 08/24/2010

11,203

111

409

two wrongs do not make a right , we are meant to be the parents not another child retaliating to a bite with a bite .

Nicci - posted on 08/24/2010

6

42

1

The rational of show them that it hurts' do you like it well i dont either is not one to be used everytime used once maybe twice should be all that is needed if not worked after this then need to change tack because for that child it's not the thing to fix the problem, there are other things eg if you bite then you will havev to bite soap or tea spoon mustard, i would never suggest or condone chill, hot sauce or anything thats going to actually hurt a child be unpleasant yes hurt njo.

Krista - posted on 08/24/2010

12,562

16

847

I don't get this "it'll show them that it hurts" rationale. If your baby was in the habit of punching people in the face, would you punch her in the face to "show her that it hurts"?

I just don't understand how imitating a kid's behaviour is supposed to get him to stop that behaviour.

[deleted account]

I agree with Lyndsay, thats exactly how i did it with my 1st child and she has NEVER bitten anyone since she was 10 months old.

Nicci - posted on 08/24/2010

6

42

1

I have in the past have4 bitten a child back, and as one of the other's said age approprite there is no way i would bite my 8mth old back he has no idea what he is doing and the tears and cry7's of pain he getas in response are all that is needed. how ever our 23mth old has been biten back by myself and the 8mth old, and as a result bites a lot less often, i thin k the 8mth old had more impact than me as i control how hard and tell him 'you dont like it so dont bite me (or name of whio he bite) where as the 8mth old just bites back full force and with seven theeth that huirts. (has drawn blood on older sibling).

however child temperment and level of understanding dop make a differance. A child who tends to yell hit is only going to continue biteing and possibly get worse so time out is first option.

Lyndsay - posted on 08/24/2010

2,008

19

175

Yup, it works. It worked for me, anyway. My approach was not like I'm going to bite you to show you that its wrong... for me, my message was I'm going to bite you back to show you that it hurts, and then I'm going to ask you if you liked getting hurt. No? Well, I didn't either. So lets not bite.

Tracie - posted on 08/24/2010

79

36

4

in a child thats old enough to understand, just watching them closley is enough when they are at this stage- being there with a quick "Gentle mouth, Alex, Sammi's not an apple" or "we kiss our friends/family, biting hurts" demonstrate the actions we want to see, not re-inforce the bad by doing it back to them! Like wacking a child thats hitting others- no lesson gets learned, except for the fact that you are now wacking them! but a child that gets removed from playing and goes home with an explaination (3 strikes your out and going home matey!!) soon learns it's not acceptable- and they miss out. If you act more sad, than angry at what they've done it has more of an impact on them, as all they want really, is love and good attention.

Amanda - posted on 08/24/2010

83

29

4

i do not agree me and my mother in law fought over this with my daughter and like i told her anyone bites my kid back will not like what happens next...

Anastasia - posted on 08/23/2010

4

0

0

I think every kid is different so only mother knows what's best solution for this kind of behaviour. Personally, my son bit me once and I bit him back and the shock on his face! He knew that was painful and never done it again. However, some kids would find what I've done encouraging so like I said it works differently for each child. I know mine very well and thankfully that taught him.

Rosie - posted on 08/23/2010

8,657

30

321

LAAAAAABSTEEERRRRR!!!!! laura is eating a bunch of it right now i bet. poop on her, and her lobster eating ways!!

?? - posted on 08/23/2010

4,974

0

172

ahhhhhhhh fuck it, lets just pretend babies are like lobster......... throw em in the pot and then we can chew on them all we like. YUM BABY, the other white meat. MMM MMM MMMM

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms