bullying on DM

[deleted account] ( 59 moms have responded )

What is everyones opinion on bullying on DM?

Does it happen?

Someone has recently commented on how if you are in the minority,everyone gets together and picks on that person and then it seems that they drag it on into other threads as if to bully that person into leaving or just to make them feel bad.

I'm not sure if this is the case or not but i have personally experienced this. Being a person with very strong views that differ to most people,i have frequently been pretty much pushed out and forced to move on because every thread i comment on,i find i get shot down...and every comment i make,every single word is picked apart to the point i give up....maybe this is the point...to get the minority to "go away"...

What do you think?

It made me think about it because there is a mum on here who has had HER every word picked apart by so many others....as she has done to me in the past (so i don't particularly care about her feelings) but i am very curious as to whether this is actually happening or if it's just an overreaction on the part of the person being disagreed with by so many others?

This person has expressed that DM is boring and that people don't know how to debate anymore. I see her point a bit,I also understand that if a person is being disagreed with by 25 or so other women,that she may end up resorting to making comments that she usually would not,in desperation to get her point across....and then,of course,those comments are used against her over and over again.

any thoughts on this....or experiences???

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Stifler's - posted on 05/27/2012

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I think it's a debate. If someone is calling you names, sending you PMs threatening you, personally attacking you then it's bullying. Giving logical reasons why they disagree is not bullying. Agreeing with others point of view is not bullying even if it does go against the minority's point of view.

Jodi - posted on 05/27/2012

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How is it getting together and picking on a person if it is a debate on an issue and that person has a minority position while the others hold a majority view? It's a debate forum. People WILL debate their point of view and WILL debate parts of someone's post (especially if they are long winded post). It is not bulling to disagree on an issue, even if one person is the minority.

I think it should also be remember, if you are going to give it, you have to be able to take it, otherwise, and the person in question gives as good as she gets.

And people DO get her point, they simply don't agree with it.

Definition of bullying:
bul·ly 1 (bl)
n. pl. bul·lies
1. A person who is habitually cruel or overbearing, especially to smaller or weaker people.
2. A hired ruffian; a thug.
3. A pimp.
4. Archaic A fine person.
5. Archaic A sweetheart.
v. bul·lied, bul·ly·ing, bul·lies
v.tr.
1. To treat in an overbearing or intimidating manner. See Synonyms at intimidate.
2. To make (one's way) aggressively.
v.intr.
1. To behave like a bully.
2. To force one's way aggressively or by intimidation: "They bully into line at the gas pump" (Martin Gottfried).
adj.
Excellent; splendid: did a bully job of persuading the members.
interj.
Used to express approval: Bully for you!

I am assuming we are referring to the first of these definitions.....I'd hardly say the person in question is weak or smaller. She HAPPENS to be in the minority because of her opinion. She is not being personally harrassed because of her opinion, she is being questioned and debated about her opinion because this is a debate forum.

Desperate attempts to get your point across is not an excuse for making comments of personal and nasty nature (such as telling people to fuck off).

Believe me, we have ALL been at the minority end of a debate sometime. I've never screamed bully. It's a DEBATE FORUM!! If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. And if you don't want your comments to become an issue in a debate, then put them out there.

Karla - posted on 05/28/2012

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IRL, I can voice my opinion, but I'm cautious as to who and where and why I am doing it. Sometimes I feel it's pointless to give my opinion, even here on DM I find it pointless at times. I don't need everyone to agree with me, I'm fine with expressing my opinion on some things then bugging out. On the other hand this is a very good place to express opinions knowing the point is not necessarily to change anyone's mind, but to explore how everyone is thinking and formulating differing opinions. I find it fascinating.

Since it is Debating Mums I think we all expect our opinion to be challenged, but I find sometimes I am shocked as to the reason why some opinions are challenged. That's where the group shows me a broader point of view.

I know I used to rarely give my opinion (I'm talking years ago) and when I did I would invariably step on someone's toes. I learned from those experiences not to assume, to be open to differences, and to know that everyone is unique and that's okay.

Through the years I have learned some ways to express my opinion IRL without hurting feelings or being too assuming. (I still fail once in awhile though.) Often it just helps to preface opinion with that announcement: In my opinion, or The way I see it, or In my experience. I still pick and choose with whom I will debate though.

Sara - posted on 05/28/2012

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As the Admin of this group, I'd like to say that we don't want this to be a group where people feel bullied. It has always been, since it's inception several years ago, hard to moderate at times, and even harder to catch everything that may happen where someone feels they are being treated unfairly. I encourage people to flag those type of posts to bring it to our attention. We may not always agree, but I'd like to think that we intervene if rules are being violated and people are feeling attacked. It IS a debate group though...we're bound to have drama!

Dove - posted on 05/28/2012

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I have gotten my opinions 'picked apart' quite frequently in many debates as a minority opinion holder and yes, I do take it personally. I KNOW it's not personal though since I happen to actually be friends with many of the people picking 'me' apart. ;) ♥ I'm just a debating wimp. lol

Bullying would be calling names and sending attacking pm's, etc... and yes, I've seen that happen when things get heated, but I definitely don't consider it the norm in here.

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Aleks - posted on 05/31/2012

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Oh how true this statement from Sally Marshall: "So i feel heathly debating is a learning tool and something like DM is a lifeline for womens brain cells and young kids. X "



I LOVE DEBATING, I have debated frequently with my best friend when I was childless. But now we have moved on to different lives and we don't have the opportunity nor the will to debate eachother (I am a busy mum that cannot really get away and spend all night debating and watching the sun rise after reaching some stance, and he has moved on to discovering his spiritual side and has "dropped out" a bit). I am happy I have found CoM and DM group. Though I don't participate on each topics (I pick and choose ones I feel are interesting, or have an interesting topic to me)



I am also VERY OPINIONATED, not only here but also IRL. I don't mind sharing those opinions, but I do choose my timing and how I phrase things (and to whom as well, IRL). I choose my words VERY carefully and try and keep my words precise and very clear and direct, that is, I don't like using ambiguous words and terms.

This I have learned over many years and many places. I am also quite well read in many topics so I believe I have good backing for many things I have or do post on topics being debated.



I don't mind the occassional nit-pick in a debate, as sometimes they are necessary, however, some debates I have seen here have just totally spirraled out of control into tit-for-tat nit-picking sessions that get so boring and totaly kill the arguments and debates going.

I have also seen name calling here and frankly to me that is poor form and a sure fire sign that the person doing the name calling is out of arguments and has nothing better to say. Basically, anyone who name calls is a weak debater IMO. If things are getting sooo heated for you that you feel the need to call someone names then step away for a few hours. Re-read the original post and start afresh.

I have done this a few times (not that I have name called, but got flustered, and frustrated beyond belief) that I have many a time decided to call it quits on that particular debate, at least for a good time being. I don't look at comments that are being posted and don't keep on checking the threads. Sometimes I have found some people are not good to debate with, at least not on that instance. I guess I don't like the hassle of people trying to smack me down - debating ok, use well thought out arguments, but smacking down someone for stating something is kinda low-blow material. And if a few people join up forces doing this on one debate against one or two others ... I feel it does come mighty close to bullying behaviour. Sorry, when you have a few people ganging up in a debate and smacking down and ridiculing one or two other posters... It really irks me badly and it makes me want to defend these lone posters/debators. And even though I may not agree with the one or two posters (but agree more with the opionions of the majority) I feel very very uncomfortable in those situations and quite frankly I start losing respect for many of these ladies. I just picture the pack behaviour, almost akin to wild animals stalking and attacking their victim/s. Sorry, but that is what I see when this happens. I, for the most part, try to stay out of the debate at that part or totally.



Also, what REALLY REALLY gets me here is the amount of times people seem to not read properly and then take things out of context. So they pick up one word or one sentence in the whole paragraph and then attack. FFS people.

1/ READ the text fully and completely, the whole post before you start typing and responding.

2/ COMPREHEND, so once you have fully read the post (sometimes it is good to re-read it once or twice even) then may be comprehension would be a lot better.

3/ RESPOND only upon completion of the first two.

This is one of my biggest peeves here. I find that I sometimes have to/want to defend the stence of the person whose views I don't agree with only because someone has gone off on a tangent nit-picking some word or sentence and started arguing on that, and not just arguing, but smacking down. Arguing would be ok, you know well thought out sentences, logical thinking, etc. But no, quite often it is emotional rants. Very frustrating.



Oh well, but I still enjoy this site a lot, like the quote I started off with:

This is my place to come and exercise my brain cell matter. Thank you ladies for letting me do this, and also the banter that can occur. And of course, for teaching me a thing or two about many a thing :-D

Looking forward to many more.

Karla - posted on 05/29/2012

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There’s a good article in Wikipedia about Internet bullying, here’s some of what it says:

(I added a lot here because I found it so interesting)

Cyberbullying has subsequently been defined as "when the Internet, cell phones or other devices are used to send or post text or images intended to hurt or embarrass another person".[2] Other researchers use similar language to describe the phenomenon.

Cyberbullying can be as simple as continuing to send e-mail to someone who has said they want no further contact with the sender, but it may also include threats, sexual remarks, pejorative labels (i.e., hate speech), ganging up on victims by making them the subject of ridicule in forums, and posting false statements as fact aimed at humiliation.

Cyberbullies may disclose victims' personal data (e.g. real name, address, or workplace/schools) at websites or forums or may pose as the identity of a victim for the purpose of publishing material in their name that defames or ridicules them. Some cyber-bullies may also send threatening and harassing emails and instant messages to the victims, while other post rumors or gossip and instigate others to dislike and gang up on the target.

Adults:
Cyberbullying is not limited to personal attacks or children. Cyberharassment, referred to as cyberstalking when involving adults, takes place in the workplace or on company web sites, blogs or product reviews.

Cyberbullying can occur in product reviews along with other consumer-generated data are being more closely monitored and flagged for content that is deemed malicious and biased as these sites have become tools to cyberbully by way of malicious requests for deletion of articles, vandalism, abuse of administrative positions, and ganging up on products to post "false" reviews and vote products down.

Cyberstalkers use posts, forums, journals and other online means to present a victim in a false and unflattering light. The question of liability for harassment and character assassination is particularly salient to legislative protection since the original authors of the offending material are, more often than not, not only anonymous, but untraceable. Nevertheless, abuse should be consistently brought to company staffers' attention.


I think the main thing is understanding there is a difference between rudeness and criminal bullying. In that sense I agree with Rebecca that “bullying” is overused. Real bullying can destroy a person’s spirit and reputation. Again, if anyone on COM feels they are truly being bullied it should be reported to the Administrators/Monitors or Site owners, depending on the severity.

Mrs. - posted on 05/29/2012

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I think the term "bullying" is overused now. Adults are claiming that any behaviour they don't like is bullying. The abuse of this term needs to taper down, IMO, it weakens the voice of those who are truly being bullied.

I have not seen "bullying" here. I've seen some pissed off mommies who go a bit off the grid sometimes, but who doesn't? All I see, for the most part, is passionate debate and sometimes, some inappropriate language (I don't mind that) and some trolls who do what they do.

Do people gang up sometimes? Sure. However, I can always close the window and go enjoy somewhere else online. An online debating community is not like school or work - most are here for leisure, not because they "need" to be here. If a few ladies are all on the same page debate wise and want to pick apart what I say...whelp, that's a debate not a toilet swirly.

Merry - posted on 05/29/2012

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I know! I just get embarressed or self conscious. Hopefully I'll get the hang of it. But I also have a big fear of people not liking me, so its hard to call someone out and risk making enemies. If I have a PIC I'm much better :)

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 05/29/2012

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Oh Laura, you got to speak from your belly! ;) Use the strong voice, it will get heard every time...if others are being rude and dismissing you are speaking, well, you need to over-speak them and I promise they will shut up and listen. LOL

Merry - posted on 05/29/2012

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Jenny, if I personally had someone walk up to me and say something like that about breastfeeding, or circ, or CIO, or somthing I most definetly would discuss with them and give all my facts and opinions and experiences. That I actually would love.

But it seems these things never come up in a one on one situation and in a group I'm always the youngest and always feel my opinion doesn't get heard. People interrupt me a lot and talk over me and I'm not loud enough I guess. So I just be quiet.

When it's me and my sister I AM very vocal and she knows allllllll of the stuff I feel strongly about. Poor girl doesn't even have kids but we sit and discuss car seat safety for an hour lol.

Mostly it's the group thing. In groups my voice gets lost so I don't try and that's where the hot topics usually come up

Celeste - posted on 05/29/2012

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I agree with the majority that being in the minority, and being nit picked isn't bullying. I've seen online bullying on message boards (and the sad part, is that the board is for mothers).

I admit, I do get frustrated sometimes and I do take it personally sometimes. I'm working on that though.. I try to be mindful of other people's feelings.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/29/2012

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I am the same on line as I am in real life. That being said, I can understand how others feel more free to say what they feel behind a screen and a key board, but I don't think it is an excuse to be totally nasty. I have seen that happen, and had people even admit it....that they feel they can get nasty hiding behind a screen because "this is not real" and the "people don't really matter". Well, it is real, and people certainly do matter.

There certainly are times where a certain debate has been done so many times over the years, that I am just tired of it and bored of repeating myself, but fully understand that it may be a whole new debate for others, so I will just avoid it even though i may have valid information to contribute. It is easy to get burnt out at times, and those times I say take a break and walk away.

Sally - posted on 05/28/2012

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MeMe, the little i have gather about you on here im not surprised you fight your corner. Yes it can get bit heated but its not personnal. Id get bored if all you lot said, i so agree with you, oh your so completely right.pass me the sick bucket. I will stand for what i i believe but i can say that there is one issue that comes to mind ,that i changed my mind about because of the answwrs etc. So i feel heathly debating is a learning tool and something like DM is a lifeline for womens brain cells and young kids. X

sorry that was meant to read women with young kids. Just read it and it does sound bit rude. Im sure you know what i meant.

Stifler's - posted on 05/28/2012

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I'm not even sure what I'd do if some cunt came up to me and said bottle feeding mums are less of a mother. Probably abuse them. There's no thumps rules or moderators in real life. BAHAHAHA

Jenny - posted on 05/28/2012

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Yes, so that's where I would say, IRL I don't have as many opportunities to be as oppinionated and confrontational as I am on COM, but that does not mean that I am not confruntational IRL. Given the occasion, I can be.
Anyway, do you get what I mean at all? If not, I'm going to let this one go ;) Love all of you, thankyou for being here and thank you for providing me with great debates :)

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 05/28/2012

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And I'd be like "What the hell do you mean, less of a mother?" lol

Stifler's - posted on 05/28/2012

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That's the thing though, we don't usually argue with random people in real life over these type of issues. I don't go around asking people their opinion of circumcision or breastfeeding or whatever. You have more time to sit and think and form an argument when you're at home on the internet. if I was at playgroup I'd be like.. yeah whatever do what you want.

Jenny - posted on 05/28/2012

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When you put it that way its not strange. But if a stranger was to come up to you and say "hey, I think all mothers should breastfeed, anyone who doesn't is less of a mother, what do you think?" and you (general you) have nothing to say about it when you (genral again) have so much to say on COM's, I would find that strange.

For example, given how confruntational MeMe can be (love you for it at times MeMe;) ) it would be strange that she'd be a total pushover in real life. That's kind of dysfunctional.

[deleted account]

my sister changes her opinions every few seconds...and to make sure she ALWAYS wins,no matter what....I suppose i could argue the fact that she does this...but she'd probably just argue with me.lol.

Family...who'd have em !!!

Jenny - posted on 05/28/2012

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It's a learning process to be able to agrue in real life without it getting out of hand. This is a good place to learn how to do that. Pretend these people are your sister, and try arguing your point in a respectful way, in the hope that someday you can do that with her :)

Stifler's - posted on 05/28/2012

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I think that it's not that strange. it's easy to say what you think with a keyboard when you aren't sitting there face to face, things you wouldn't say to someoen you might bump into in the street. i don't find that strange at all.

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 05/28/2012

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I should also say though, I don't only fight hard, I love even harder. I do have a soft inner place. Just not everyone gets to be a part of it. I have a barrier and it keeps me from getting hurt (I have learnt to have this from my upbringing). It is one though, that is hard to keep in virtual debating. Since, I tend to give up some personal things, that I would never do IRL. How often does someone debate personal topics, IRL, really? ;)

It is helping me learn more about myself, though. Which I truly do appreciate, most times.

Merry - posted on 05/28/2012

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It's ok Sherri. You really don't tend to get my emotions going. Maybe frustrate me lol. But you don't make it sound personal.
Some people just talk to me like I'm stupid and that really hurts.
I'm like dove, not really the debating type but I like it here and want to improve.
Yeah Jenny if I could grow the balls I'd love to speak my mind IRL. Soon I hope hehe

[deleted account]

its just a way to get opinions and frustrations out....to feel safe in doing so....and not lose friends in the process.

If i was to tell everyone in my life what i thought...well id have no friends or family left to tell cause they would all disown me.

I have voiced my opinions now and then. I have argued with my sister about several topics. It always causes fights and anger between us and i hate it.
I try so hard not to let it hapen anymore but i also hate that i feel i have to bottle things up.

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 05/28/2012

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I am the complete opposite. I am strong minded here and I am strong minded IRL. If I have an opinion, I share it. I just do it in an appropriate fashion IRL, most times (meaning, I don't run my mouth all day long). If I am in public and someone is rude, you best be knowing I will most definitely speak up and anyone around can have the pleasure or displeasure of hearing. Maybe it is the red hair. IDK.



Oh but I bet no one here ever thought, I would be confrontational IRL! LOL

Jenny - posted on 05/28/2012

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"I have a lot of opinions and not a lot of outlets."
It's funny that you say this. Because, of course you dont have many outlets when you "never ever ever ever ever confront anyone" in real life and you'd "rather lie and agree with someone then say I disagree."
I'm sure you'll gain some confidence through debating on COM to be able to be more honest and open in real life too.

I find it very strange that people who are so confruntational here would not be so in real life.

Sherri - posted on 05/28/2012

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Okay Laura then I apologize now for my post questioning you on the hospital thread. LOL!! You do drive me crazy because we always seem to be on opposite sides of almost everything. However, with that being said I applaud you for sticking to your guns and staying true to your beliefs. I do have a lot of respect for you.

Merry - posted on 05/28/2012

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I agree Sherri. You rock at debates. You're always cool calm and collected. Darned if I'm not sometimes annoyed as all get out that we can't agree but I can respect you cuz you're genuine. Even if you're often dead opposite me. :-)

Jenny - posted on 05/28/2012

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Kel80 Gorman, what you described above, I would consider this a form of being bullied. If this was to have happend in real life, you about to walk away from a debate, people calling names at you and saying your a wuss, that is punitive behaviour. Its not nice, nor respectful and it does not help the debate.

Merry - posted on 05/28/2012

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In real life I never ever ever ever ever confront anyone. I'd rather lie and agree with someone then say I disagree. And I'm usually very quiet. If a conversation heats up I'll avoid it. I'll sit quietly in a group if they're arguing stuff.
So sometimes I say way too much online cuz I feel safe. And then I get physically sick to my stomach when I realize how badly I said something and if someone gets mad at me or calls me out I get such a stomach ache.
I'm trying to not do that lol but it's tough. I have a lot of opinions and not a lot of outlets.
But I can not stand people disagreeing with me. It eats at me

Merry - posted on 05/28/2012

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Yep I've felt bullied on here before, I've almost closed my account once, I've left groups, I've cried. It's happens. I think most of the times people just don't know how much their words can hurt. I try to not take things personally but obviously sometimes it's inevitable.

[deleted account]

Krista I am the same. I am so quiet and shy...always have been,so when i come on here i let loose...sometimes WAY too much,too harshly and too judgmentally. Sometimes i wish i could go back and delete every comment after ive had a chance to think about what i have written.

When i said this on another thread (that i choose to give my views online rather than in the real world to real friends) I was told that i was weak and wrong and a horrible friend to be keeping my "real feelings" from people...whereas i think its the opposite !!! If i feel judgment about what a person/friend/family member does...it is ok not not like what they are doing but to still like or love them as a person...and to keep my opinions to myself.

I think on here it is fine to give an opinion(even a harsh one). I don't understand why people were telling me i should shut up and keep my opinions to myself..maybe the harshness of some of the things i said may have hit a nerve and i do understand that i suppose. I find CoM a very confusing place though...I guess it takes time to get to know the people on here...until then i will most likely continue to be the judgmental cow who everyone wishes would piss off !! lol

[deleted account]

The problem with "stepping back to cool off a bit" is that when you cool off and come back,there are dozens more posts that you feel the need to answer. It has happened to me where ive gone to bed,only to wake up and find that people have been posting about how i left and was too scared to answer peoples questions or they are basically laughing at me and having little jokes at my expense.

All this is totally fine and in now way what i would consider bullying....BUT i have felt the need to then start explaining my views yet again or getting annoyed at how people have picked apart every word i said then had a little chuckle about it...I get how some people could get mighty pissed off that they are told they should "go away" or "cool off"...so they do,then they come back to find they have been called "weak" or "unable to finish a debate" .

Krista - posted on 05/28/2012

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I'm the same way. IRL I'm a great big non-confrontational chickenshit.

I just take it all out online. :) Don't y'all feel special now?

Sherri - posted on 05/28/2012

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Here is the funny things ladies. IRL I am amazingly quiet and I absolutely hate confrontation of any kind. I will always stick to my convictions and I will stay true to them. However, unless directly backed into a corner you will rarely see that side of me. When I am backed into that corner though, I come out guns a blazing. LOL!!

Thanks for all the smiles tonight. Really I admire and respect you guys immensely. I have learned so much from you guys and will admit even changed my views on things a time or two.

Krista - posted on 05/28/2012

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Either that, or she should be the poster girl for masochism. I can't really decide which...

Mary - posted on 05/28/2012

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Krista, I absolutely concur. Sherri is the best example I can think of for how to graciously stick to your guns when you hold the minority opinion, and never, ever "lose it" (at least not that anyone can tell, lol). You may disagree with her, but you can't help but respect her. I actually think her ability to not get overly riled up or take things to personally is why those threads where she is the lone dissenter never really blow up the way some others do. No matter how vehemently you disagree with her, you know that you would be the one who ended up looking like an ass if you were intentionally disparaging of her as a person - even in the eyes of those who share your view on whatever topic.

In other words, Sherri - I admire you immensely, and think you should be the COM poster girl for how to gracefully argue the minority viewpoint. =)

Jenny - posted on 05/28/2012

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I wouldn't consider 25 mums disagreeing with me as bullying. Sometimes that happens, your opinion is in the minority, and you probably knew it before you even posted. Of course it sux to be in that position and if you can't handle the heat, get yourself out of there. It really is not personal that 25 people disagree with your point of view. It says more about your point of view than you. And who knows, you might even change that point of view, and then truly have gotten upset over nothing.

1. To treat in an overbearing or intimidating manner.

If we go by this definition of bullying I do think it happens.

It's overbearing and intimidating when someone questions you incessantly as to why you think you qualify to have an opinion on a certain issue. Or when someone twists your words to mean something you never implied and then making a judgement about you personally by this statement they just made up. Or when something like "well if you think X then you really must be stupid" is said.

I do think you need thick skin to debate on DM. Don't take things personal, even if someone is making it personal. I think a lot of people on here are amateurs at debating (myself included). It would be more productive to the debate if we could leave our feelings out of it, but we are all mothers and hence naturally emotional and highly strung! (Some more than others of course.)

In situations where I felt bullied on here, other members (who I would consider to be more experienced at debating) would almost always step in and put the person in their place, or tell them to chill down a notch. I think that's how we learn what is acceptable and what is not.

Kelina - posted on 05/28/2012

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I've definitely seen debates get out of hand and quickly. Someone says something personal or attacks another person and it spirals. That being said for the most part I believe that the women on here aren't here to attack me even if my opinion is different which it is quite frequently. That's the point for me so long as it's a well formed opinion with actual references how else am I supposed to learn? Opinions that are stated over and over with no references to back them up though drive me slightly nuts.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/28/2012

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Krista, now that you mention that, it is amazing how we all can vehemently disagree on certain topics, and other threads we all completely agree. We are so vastly different on so many levels, culturally, religiously, parenting, and even continents. But it is all those differences that we can have a really interesting debate. Also those differences can make us closer, and help see a different perspective often.

Krista - posted on 05/28/2012

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And you know what, Sherri? I still don't agree with you on some things, but damned if you haven't totally earned my respect. You're a tough cookie, lady.

Sherri - posted on 05/28/2012

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Yup I have been debated every way but up on some of my posts. I used to take it hugely personally. However, then I got to know most of these ladies and realized not once was it meant to be personal but it was simply what I posted that was under debate not me personally.

Krista - posted on 05/28/2012

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And Sherri, if anybody, could speak with authority on this. She's like the Weeble of COM -- you knock her down, and she just keeps bobbing back up, raring to go. :)

Sherri - posted on 05/28/2012

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It is a debate board so personally anything you post on their is up for debate. If someone disagrees with your opinion then of course they are all going to debate it with you. If you don't want to be debated don't join a debate board and take it personally.

Stifler's - posted on 05/28/2012

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I think if you're feeling offended by someone stating a fact you need to take a step back and breathe, I have disagreed with many things people have said in here but it doesn't mean I am personally attacking them or dislike them.

Sally - posted on 05/28/2012

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Bullying , i think not but i will be honest and say when someone puts up a question AND ASKS for advice doesn't get the answers that agrees with her point of view, starts telling peiple that they condone abuse or starts preaching god at me, i get a tad annoyed. I have had my opinion challanged and do tou know what,it helped me to see things in a different way . I really get fed up with people throwing their toys out of the pram.

Michele - posted on 05/28/2012

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My father was an attorney and he would debate me into the ground about anything. He kept on and on at me until I was in tears (about capital punishment, for instance). I was a bad person unless I ultimately agreed with him and it was horrible. My statements were not considered to have any value at all.

I have had to learn how to agree to disagree and debate productively. Still learning and this site helps me because I can step away when needed and take the time to make sure my argument makes sense, instead of getting emotional. Most of the time the debates are interesting and I can view everyone's opinions and watch them make their case. I must admit I don't like reading when it gets to the point of endlessly repeating disagreements. I know that they will never convince each other, and each of them could have valid points. They each have their own unique perspective that has brought them to their current opinion. It seems to me that there is some way to find a way forward (for example - I understand that some people find a word offensive so I will respect that. AND I understand that some people don't think the word is offensive so I will let them know that it could be considered offensive without thinking they are a horrible person, and realize that they are not trying to offend)

Krista - posted on 05/28/2012

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It IS hard sometimes to remember peoples' feelings. I'll admit that freely. I love debating, and cut my teeth in some rather freewheeling political blogs, where "go fuck yourself" is basically equivalent to "have a nice day". So I'll admit that the desire to WIN the argument sometimes overrules everything else, and that I will gleefully eviscerate another person's argument, looking for any weak spots.

If it's any consolation, it's NOT personal. At all. And really, most of us here are pretty reasonable. If you say, "Dude, I'm feeling overwhelmed here, so I'm just going to step away," it usually is fairly effective at getting most of us to re-focus.

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 05/28/2012

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For the record, I have only ever told one person to "go fuck themselves" and it was in response to be called an "ignorant bitch" (which was pleasantly deleted BEFORE any mods caught it). I can also say, even though this occurred, I still respect the person and do enjoy reading everything they say. Also, within that thread, I changed my stance a wee bit. Since, I was able to collect myself and understand exactly where they were coming from.



I would not go as far as to say it is bullying. I do think that often when someone is in the minority, most others in the thread WILL continue to nit pick and cherry pick the minorities comments. I have seen it happen many times and I have seen some pretty low moves. I also find, that even when I am in the minority and another chimes in with the same stance, it is still my statements that get micro-analyzed.



I can also say, yes, I do fall right into the trap and I often do come back swinging. However, I never do this to start. If someone has a differing opinion, I often state my difference of opinion and it is not until I am backed into a corner, do I resort to complete defense.



However, I am learning to just stay away from it. It is not easy for me as I am a fighter (not physically, well unless absolutely required). Due to my upbringing, I have always had to defend myself and unfortunately it will come out when I feel I am being pushed. I guess I can say, that DM may help with learning how to work through this need. It is a fight or flight issue. I have, at times, found myself upset and want to walk away and say "fuck it". I cannot say, this won't happen, it may. I was very close this past weekend. Since, I try to keep any negativity away from me. I was truly feeling unwanted. I still do but then I turn around and say, "I don't really give a shit".



I can agree, that sometimes, I may bring it on myself. I am learning who everyone is and am beginning to get a firm grip on who to debate with and who to avoid.



In addition, in regards to the uninvolved husbands and selfish EBF. It was simply a reply to those that did say that if they did involve their husbands, they would still have to do all the clean up. Also, I only said I felt you were being selfish IF you were not at all concerned in how your husband may have a desire to be a part of the feeding. If you just expect them to understand, why they can't be. See? See how easy people misconstrue what is actually being said. Meh.



ETA:

I have also been told that it is as if "I am drunk or on drugs". Now, I do not know how others perceive that but for me, it is and was a complete insult. I do not drink and I do not do drugs. However, I have decided I really, truly, don't give a shit about that either. If anyone wants to think I am an alcoholic, coke snorting, whacked out cunt, go right ahead. Since in the end, it truly is my choice, if I stay. ;)

Krista - posted on 05/28/2012

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Exactly. At one point or another, EACH of us has been in the minority in a debate. And yes, it can get overwhelming and feelings can rise up.

What you do with it is what sets the tone for what happens next. If the person takes it as a challenge and ups their game, then good on them. If they can recognize that they're getting emotional and need to step away from the debate for awhile, then that's fine as well. I've had to do that myself a couple of times. I think I even tried to lock the thread, but Little Miss accused me of taking my ball and going home. And she was right. I was.

When things get ugly is when the person feels that they've been backed into a corner and they lash out and start fighting dirty. I've seen it happen many a time.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/28/2012

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Kel, I think there is a huge difference between being a minority in your beliefs, and making sure you are.

Bullying certainly happens, but in the situations that I believe you are referring to, nope. I have seen it first hand, and felt it personally. Those people who had a reputation for bullying, name calling, stalking, and blowing everything out of proportion are not longer allowed on CoM.

It is easy to fall under the minority opinion sometimes, and often the person may feel under attack. For me, it is all about how a person deals with being under fire. Often times I have seen the person that was in the minority for a debate turning into a bully attacking everyone that disagreed with them, twisting words.

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