Can Dad hold his own at home ?

Charlie - posted on 04/12/2011 ( 71 moms have responded )

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This is a recent question posted by circle of mums on facebook, to be honest the replies do not surprise ...at all , but they do disturb me .



Amongst the few that answered yes , there was post after post that just screamed

sexism : "I think Mom is diff than dad's love...BABies needs their mommy till they are big."



Oh and they dont need daddy ? are we somehow MORE important ? are we talking " big" ...6 , 12 , 25 years old .



and this gem : "I'm with Anna Belle.. My husband couldn't cut it! If it weren't for moms.. kids would be rotten to the core."



Dont get me started on that one !



and this "MOMS tend to take well care of their kids....dad do too but not as MUCH as MOMMIEs...... We rule"



little faith : No not at all everything and everyone would be a wreck lol



and just plain incompetance : "HA! My husband cant find the diapers if I run to the store and leave him with the kids"





Is this really what people think of their partners ?

Is daddy really that incompetant or just lazy ?

So can Daddy hold his own at home ?

Anyone else bothered by this or do you feel like these ladies ?

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Stifler's - posted on 04/16/2011

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Some people's husbands actually piss me off with their *I'm babysitting the kids* and * I did this and that to help out*............. what do you want? A medal? They're YOUR KIDS. It's not babysitting!!!

[deleted account]

I guess it depends on what your definition of "hold his own" is.



My son is 7 months old and still nurses frequently. He also nurses to sleep. No, my husband can't breastfeed him. And he doesn't do any night time parenting because (1) my son needs to nurse back to sleep and (2) my husband needs his rest to function properly in a high-stress job so he can pay the bills. I also wouldn't trust him to change the baby's diaper properly (I have my own way of doing it to prevent leaks and rashes). Plus, he doesn't do a lot of housework.



But he more than holds his own. He spends hours with our son, amusing him, holding him, comforting him, etc. Even when he's tired from work, he will go for a walk with us almost every single day. Together, we give the baby a bath every evening, and then he reads aloud to us. He's patient when the baby is tired and fussy. He's patient I'm tired and fussy. He runs errands and does shopping. He does dishes and cleans the kitchen. He earns a living.



He's a good role model for our son, and that will become more and more important as our son grows into a man. Much more important than how many diapers he's changed.

[deleted account]

Well, okay, I'll be this mummy martyr I suppose and present the other side.

I wouldn't actually say that mommy love is the best or anything, but yes I do feel my husband IS incompetent a lot of the time. It's not the right word, but it is how I feel. Lazy is far more accurate... Selfish feels more spot on.

I am a self confessed perfectionist, but having kids has seen that fall to the wayside quite a bit, but it is NOT because I'm a control freak that I think my husband is a selfish dick at times. Before our eldest was born, I had him choose a task that he wanted for himself. He chose bath time. The reasoning was because I was taking care of feeding (his boobs don't produce much milk) and was going to be a SAHM, so I wanted him to have HIS thing with baby. His bonding time only. When S was born, my husband actually proved to be a dap hand at the MCN (better than me!) and he loved bath times. At that time, he also still helped around the house too. Our deal, even before kids, was whoever cooks doesn't wash up. He can cook, and he does know how to wash up. During this time I would have said he was competent, even though his ways were different to mine.

Then along comes #2. he looked after S the 4 days I was in hospital and did a fine job, because he had to. As my pregnancy progressed, the help started drying up. Within a month of W being born, the help was GONE. He didn't change nappies, he didn't do baths, he didn't cook, he didn't wash up... He did sweet FA! Well, except go to work.

Okay, so he works long days, I get that. But I have 2 kids, a house, the bills, AND a full time job. When W was about 9 months old I hit the bottom. I went to my GP and told her I didn't know what to do, I'd had a shower and dressed for the first time in 2 weeks because I was going to see her. She called me insane for trying to do everything and put me on a mental health plan. The therapist I saw said I needed a support network, duh! Then proceeded to talk about daycare, maids, etc. Uh, hello, those things cost money! The only thing that she suggested that I could do was get my husband to pick a chore he could take over (like doing laundry). So I go home and tell hubby. He rolls his eyes and says, "yeah right!" instead, I stopped working.

Here we are many fights and a year later, I have 2 kids, a house, the bills, a dog (my stupid mistake that will be remedied very soon), a veggie garden, chickens AND a full time job. Fuck I'm dumb! I'm stressed, exhausted and wish I could get off this merry go round at times, but I survive... B'cuz it's what I do. I am seriously wondering that since I do it all by myself, what the hell do I need him around for? It's just extra mess for me. He mows the lawn once a fortnight/month which I can't do, but the neighbor kid could for $20.

When I went to India for a week on business, he dropped me off at the airport then drive straight to his parents house for the week. Tonight, I was trying to get some work done after dinner. (that I cooked and served) to meet a deadline (tomorrow). I was in the office for a half hour before my eldest came in and started chatting with me, telling me his brother was watching Toy Story, etc. I get up and walk into the living room and what do I see? He is ASLEEP in the recliner, W is standing on the Back of the couch (leaning on the window) and jumping off, the dirty dinner dishes are still on the bench instead of in the dishwasher. And I have at least three hours of work to do, it was bath and bed time for the boys (it was nearly 8, so actually passed time). Then, out of curiosity I look out the window to find that the downstairs roller door is still open, tv and computer both on. The only thing that was done was the dog was fed. Who do you think had to do the rest? And now it's nearly 1am and I've just finished the work I had to do, but still have dishes. I'm just glad I didn't fall asleep putting the boys to bed.

Why on earth did I breed with him, when clearly my life is up the shit a lot of the time? Because it didn't start out this way. It was the exact opposite, and I thought I'd found one of those good ones who would be a partner and not another kid. I got shafted with the old bait and switch.

So not everyone who says something about the incompetence of men is doing so because they feel superior, like being a martyr or are control freaks. Some of us just end up with the short end of the straw.

Truth be known, I could actually make more money than he can in the workforce, but it's his incompetence in the familial duties that prevents me from switching places. If I did work outside the home full time and he was a SAHD, the kids would be babysat by the tv constantly, and misbehavior would be dealt with by "floggings" (smacks). He had parents who couldn't be bothered, so consequentially he can't be bothered.

Charlie - posted on 04/13/2011

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I feel like a lot of it is all part of the mummy martyrdom syndrome , the idea we not only must but have to do everthing and be in control , obviously some guys are slack and so are some women but really I think the whole mummy martyr runs rife ( especially amongst SAHM ) .

Amber - posted on 04/12/2011

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This is one of my pet peeves too. Why is it that people assume men can't be dad's? My theory is that a lot of women are so obsessed with things being done THEIR way that they assume to do it any other way is incompetent. Or the mother assumes from the very beginning that the man can't do it so they never even let them try.
I'm sure some men really are idiots, just like some moms are. But I find it highly unlikely that the majority of fathers are completely clueless.

Chad can definitely hold his own at home with out me. Does he do things differently? Of course he does, so what.
I went to Colorado for a long weekend with one of my girlfriends last year. It was the first time I'd been away from home without our son (4yrs). When I came back, the house was still standing, our son was still healthy and happy, and the house was actually more clean than I had left it. The empty pizza boxes indicated a change in primary diet, but pizza sure is yummy and they drank V8 juice with it.

I would hate to think that the man I chose to be with and have children with couldn't take care of those children if something were to happen to me. What if one of these women is injured? Do their children live in poopy diapers until they are discharged from the hospital? Makes absolutely no sense to me.

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[deleted account]

Jane, I already hang the washing. Clothes dryers aren't as common in Australia as they are in the states. Well, not in QLD anyway. If I'm giving up work, I won't need a computer so would gladly give it up. I don't have an iPod, and my kids are too young to want one (4 & 2). I also do dishes by hand already. While I have a dishwasher, it packed it in not long ago and I don't actually want it fixed. It's also not common to have one here, although many rental houses now have them funnily enough, almost every house I've rented here had one, but I never used it, when we bought our house and got a new kitchen they threw in a dishwasher and that's when I got into using it. They use too much water though, so I'm quite happy not having one.

I can see what you're getting at about not having mod cons, but we don't really have many compared to others. If we were to live in 50s Australia, we would have to get rid of the tv, fridge and most probably the electricity. My husband's parents didn't have any of those things growing up until around the late 70s. Oh yeah, I'd have to get rid of the stove and oven too. But, as I'm sure you know, I'm referring more to the mindset and gender roles of that era. Thinking of a Donna Reed type household, or the oh so realistic "Father knows best".

Toni - posted on 04/16/2011

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My husband CAN look after the kids and is a big help to me. He gets the kids ready and off to school every morning. I'm an insomniac so if he comes home from work (nightshift) and I'm asleep, he does the morning stuff. In saying that, that's where it stops. If on the weekend I want to go somewhere, a lot of times he feels "put upon" to look after the kids.

I don't think a mother's love for her children is better than the father's but I do think its different and that's why kids need both.

Casey - posted on 04/15/2011

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Hmmm well to tell you the trueth my partner is completely hopeless when it comes to household duties and caring for our child but thats my fault not his cause I have never asked him to help out, however I think we both love our son the same and I think our child needs him just as much as he needs me, and I know that if anything happened to me Steve would cope just fine with Dylan and he would be very much loved and taken care of it would just take Steve a little while to find his feet cause his never done it before but he'd manage just fine.
I think people can be a bit nasty when it comes to their partners, most men go to work during the day so they're not around the kids all day so you can't expect them to know all the little routines and how things are done but that doesn't mean that thye can't look after them or that they don't love them.

[deleted account]

My husband does well with the kids. I work part time and he cares for the our 20 month old son and 3 month old son while I'm at work. I'm kinda OCD so of course he doesn't do stuff exactly how I would but he does a good job just his way. He is still getting used to the kids night routines without me since I only recently started working.

Jane - posted on 04/15/2011

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If you are really going to live in the fifties, does that mean you'll get rid of your dishwasher, color television, iPods and all the other new-fangled stuff? What about hanging the laundry out in the yard?

[deleted account]

Thanks for the suggestions, Jane & Alexis. I think Jane's latter thought is more accurate, however I do know that his job is fairly physically demanding and his diet is crap. He tends not to eat much during the day. It's not a physical problem in his case, except for the fact that usually when he stops moving, i.e. Lays back in the recliner, he'll fall asleep. He has this idea that all he has to do is work and even says as much, "I make the money and she spends it."

I've recently had an idea I'm going to put into action. He wants to live in the 50s and I've decided I'm going to let him. I'll do everything in the house, quit working and hand over all the bills for him to pay. I'll take a personal allowance (instead of him) and pay no attention to what I spend on groceries. I had a similar idea before and when I presented it he countered with having to go to the post office to pay bills because he didn't know how to net bank. He can do whatever he wants now, I'm over it. It'll be on his head if we lose our house. 1950s here we come! (I can't wait to get some spending money for a change!)

Alexis - posted on 04/15/2011

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on the sleep issue Donna and to extend on jane's comment, my hubby gets 9 hours of sleep but is always tired, he also doesnt eat very well and drinks energy drinks all the time. He is active at work with his job but no excercise outside of work. Maybe your hubby has the same nutritional\excercise deficits that mine does making him truly tired all the time.....doesnt mean he will change anything though, but its an idea

Jane - posted on 04/15/2011

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Donna - Maybe your husband should be checked for sleep apnea. It might be that he really is tired because the nine hours of "sleep" he gets aren't doing him any good. It couldn't hurt to check because if he does have it he is at greater risk of heart trouble and high blood pressure.

Of course, he might just be immature, lazy, non-empathetic and an idiot.

[deleted account]

LOL No Kate, not on his head, but thanks for the idea. ;-) Our soil is heavy and the force I reef the hoe out tends to snap them where the handle goes into the blade.

Kate CP - posted on 04/15/2011

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Donna: As long as you're not breaking them over his head I'd assume it's okay. ;)

[deleted account]

I think that's why I keep expanding my garden! My new spread is 3m X 6m, and I still have the other 3m X 3m bed as well. I just need to stop breaking hoes.

Charlie - posted on 04/15/2011

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Isnt it ! I can be in the worst mood and as soon as I get in the garden and start ripping grass and tending veggies I feel SOO much more relaxed and happy .

[deleted account]

Loureen, no apologies necessary. I know exactly the type you were talking about and would actually agree with the assessments made, as odd as that may sound. However, like with any generalisation, there are exceptions as well as those who totally fit the mould. I just thought I would interject my situation since there didn't seem to be any examples of an opposing view. (Debate forum, remember? :-D)

A solution will come in time. What form it will take I'm not sure yet. In the meantime, I use gardening as my therapy. It's amasing how therapeutic it is to strangle weeds. :-)

[deleted account]

Thanks for the sympathies gals. Krista, I am Homer to his Bart. :-) Kate, sadly, that is the idea that keeps me going sometimes. I'm working toward that end (leaving), but I need my ducks in a row before I can. Money is a big issue and I won't risk my boys' welfare by being impulsive. At the same time, I have blown up and things change temporarily. My 4 yr old learns quicker than my 30 yr old husband! Well, I suppose that's because he does have my DNA. lol

Charlie - posted on 04/15/2011

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Donna (((hugs)))



Im sorry to have brought that out in you , sounds tough .



I don't think you are the type of Martyr I was speaking of ( more the types in the comments I posted in the OP ) its more when they generalize or use blanket statements that all dads are bumbeling idiots , I guess my last quote doesnt really fit that example well though .



I do know there are Dads out there that are incompetant , I know a couple , clearly he is working against you .



I really hope you can find a solution Donna .

Kate CP - posted on 04/15/2011

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Donna, I think I'd leave if I were you. I had a breakdown recently with my husband because he was pulling the same shit. So I wrote him a letter ripping him a new one. He came home, said he was sorry, and promptly did a load of dishes, took out the trash, and played with the kids while I got a shower.

I don't know if it would work for you, though. My husband is more susceptible to guilt.

Alexis - posted on 04/15/2011

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Well I can understand where they are coming from. I stay at home and dad works full time, so if we were to change places right now he would do a good job but he would be lost for awhile, just like I would be lost at his job. Its not that he is not a great dad or somehow less than me when it comes to our son he just simply hasnt had the hands on 'learning' I have had for the last year and half. He doesnt know where all the snacks are because I always buy and put them away, he doesnt know where all the toys or sippy cups 'hide' because he isnt at home all day to learn these things. If you were to give him a week let alone the amount of time I have had to learn everything I know about running the house and the ins and outs of my son then he would be just as good if not better at it. I have had a talk with my hubby about the 'love' thing. I don't think moms love there kids more than dads but I do think its different. I think moms love their kids and worry over their kids differently than dads, maybe because we did carry them for 9 months, or maybe we are conditioned by society too, IDK. But I would never doubt the amount of love my hubby has for our son or how much he cares about him.

Lacye - posted on 04/14/2011

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My husband does take care of my daughter while I'm at school. But as soon as I get home, he passes the ball over. LOL

Amanda - posted on 04/14/2011

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My fiance is amazin with my kids! I think he does a great job!!! As for who's better...I'll keep my opinion secret! ;)

Krista - posted on 04/14/2011

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Holy shit, Donna -- that really, really sucks. Poor you, you must want to just strangle him sometimes!

Mel - posted on 04/14/2011

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I have complete faith in my husband he does an amazing job sometimes he fucks up granted but he tries very very hard because he knows I will come down on him hard if even something small is wrong, the baby food is too cold, the wrong cup is used, the clothes arent put into the machine etc. I do hear alot of men are very useless though

Merry - posted on 04/14/2011

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Donna! Sounds very hard, I hope your man has a wake up call soon. You don't deserve to be treated like that, neither do your kids! Weall understand being tired, but tired or not kids need us!

[deleted account]

Oh yeah, playing. Dads usually get the fun job of being the one who gets to play with the kids, which is good because it gives mum time to herself. That doesn't happen here either most of the time. This is actually the one thing that absolutely shits me the most. S will ask my husband to play with him and his usual response is "not right now" or "later". When do you think "later" comes? About three minutes after hell freezes over. I bite my tongue every single time to keep myself from tearing him a new asshole.

I had a father like that, so im a bit sensitive about that and keeping a promise. They are two things I ALWAYS do for my kids. Sure there is the odd occasion that you can't keep your word, but I make damn sure not to promise something I can't deliver and I will move heaven and earth to make sure it happens. Even the small things, because I remember how bad I felt as a kid waiting for my dad to play the game he said he'd play, but never does, or to be told "not now" for a snooze on the couch.

My husband didn't play with the boys when they were babies mostly because he didn't know how. Yeah, I can accept that. He always said he couldn't wait until S was old enough to go fishing with and play with. Well, he's 4 and plenty old to do stuff... get off your lazy ass and DO something with your fucking kid! "But I'm tired!" Yeah, and what do you think I am living on 5 hours of sleep a night, versus your 9?

Ok, now I'm just making myself angry so I'll stop. But maybe you get the idea.

Sal - posted on 04/14/2011

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if he had to i guess he could (the girls would have him whipped into shape in no time) but...there is a reason why i am the sahm and he is the bread winner, and it is my paitence to put up with the house work the kids redoing the house work running around for the most trivial things, that is what would kill him, one too many easter hat parades and he'd run for the hill, this isn;t a male female thing, it is a salli, john thing

Kate CP - posted on 04/13/2011

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When my husband has no other choice, then yes he can hold his own. When I was in the hospital for 3 weeks he HAD to do everything at home plus his full time job. Granted, when I finally made it home the house was a wreck, the laundry was barely done, and my daughter had a knot in her hair that would make rats jealous...but given what he had to contend with I think he did damn good.

Now, if he didn't HAVE to do all of that then yea, I think he'd be a lazy ass and just let things go (I've seen him do it). But when push comes to shove my man comes through. He's a great father, wonderful husband...yep. I'm happy to have him. :)

April - posted on 04/13/2011

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Well my husband is very competent. He's not stupid, i'd gladly leave my kids with him and i know they will be taken care of. No worries.

My dad is a great man but he worked abroad, i hardly saw him so my mum pretty much raised us herself, would i say my dad was an incompetent parent? Far from it! he worked his butt off so we had food on the table.

You should never under estimate how important your husband is in your children's lives. Ever.

Jane - posted on 04/13/2011

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My husband was a terrific dad until he got too ill. He originally wanted babies a lot more than I did, and he taught me how to change diapers. He learned on his youngest sister, when he was his mom's helper. He had a knack of getting the most fractious baby to settle down to sleep.



Later on he was terrific with the kids and eventually retired on disability and became a SAHD. However, as his illness progressed and he could no longer drive I had to leave work to take care of him and the kids. It took me a long time to find him and I had hoped to live with him a lot longer. He passed away this past Christmas.



I can say that a lot of the men I dated before I found him would not have been good, hands-on dads. My husband's boss, in fact, was and is totally uninterested in children until they are old enough to go sailing. I suspect that at least some of these women are married to men who are just very large boys and so can't or won't "dad" effectively. I know men in my church who panic at the thought of helping out in the toddler room.



It is true that some of the moms probably are protecting their role as the only one they do well, but I suspect that at least some of them are seeing their husbands accurately.

Jane - posted on 04/13/2011

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My husband was a terrific dad until he got too ill. He originally wanted babies a lot more than I did, and he taught me how to change diapers. He learned on his youngest sister, when he was his mom's helper. He had a knack of getting the most fractious baby to settle down to sleep.

Later on he was terrific with the kids and eventually retired on disability and became a SAHD. However, as his illness progressed and he could no longer drive I had to leave work to take care of him and the kids.

It took me a long time to find him and I had hoped to live with him a lot longer. He passed away this past Christmas. I can say that a lot of the men I dated would not have been good, hands-on dads. My husband's boss, in fact, was totally uninterested in children until they are old enough to go sailing. I suspect that at least some of these women are married to men who are just very large boys and so can't or won't "dad" effectively. I know men in my church who panic at the thought of helping out in the toddler room.

It is true that some of the moms probably are protecting their role as the only one they do well, but I suspect that at least some of them are seeing their husbands accurately.

Joanna - posted on 04/13/2011

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My husband is a good dad when it cones to the fun stuff. I have to deal with the harder stuff.

But I remember one day I went to a tattoo convention with a friend when Paige was 1. I would be gone during lunchtime. He asked me "what do I feed her?" I said "food!". I came home and found out he gave her a bowl of spaghettios. That's it. So he's a little clueless sometimes. In an endearing way I suppose.

Emily - posted on 04/13/2011

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I think it's a byproduct of our media-conditioned society. Nearly all of the TV shows, ads, and movies show the "man" of the house to be anything but competent. He's always an inept moron. Why this is supposed to be considered funny, or even halfway acceptable is beyond me.

Growing up, my dad was more capable as a parent than my mother was. (And I had a great mom.) He taught my mother how to cook, and do pretty much everything else.

My own husband is quite capable too. He can't cook much more than toast (unless you let him loose with a crock-pot and a roast), so if I'm away during meal time, I know they'll be ordering out. Other than that, I can rest assured the kids are in very good hands - to a point. Yeah, there have been times that were scary or frustrating. Like the time I passed my 4 year old in the middle of the street while driving home. Hubby had no idea where he was. D= He knew he had sent him to a friend's house; something he knew I never allowed. He didn't understand that my reason for never allowing it was because I knew the boy wouldn't stay put. And of course, he didn't. But beyond such occasional hiccups, my husband is just as capable as I am.

Frankly I find it upsetting to hear society in general put men down. Men and women are very different creatures, with differing strengths and weaknesses... but neither is "less" than the other.

Jessica - posted on 04/13/2011

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i think in many cases dads are considered lazy because moms jump up to care for the children first. If i am away for a few days or ignore what the kids are doing he will for sure get up and take care of it. Same with the dishes, leave them long enough they'll get done. The issue being moms are USUALLY quicker to play, feed, cuddle and care for the kids. And really - dads arent on "cirlcle of moms" to stand up for them selves!

Jenni - posted on 04/13/2011

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My SO and I are just better at some things than the other and at par in other ways. Nothing really to do with gender roles necessarily.

I mean for one thing he is a heck of a lot better cook than I am. He does more of the cooking than me. He also has an affinity for doing the laundry Although he usually leaves the folding and putting away for me. ;) I do the majority of the cleaning... what can I say... he's a bit of a slob. Should have seen his place before I moved in. But my ex-finance was obsessive compulsive about cleaning and was far neater than me or at least than I was at the time.



My SO changes diapers, feeds the kids, dresses them, gives them a bath, feeds bottles and even wakes up with the kids on occasion so I can get an extra hour sleep. Although like Johnny's hubby... he can't seem to clean at the same time! I wake up to a house that looked like it was hit by a tornado. It usually makes me beg the question was that hour sleeping in worth it??? I do about 80% of the housework and child-rearing but that's because he's the one working right now. When I worked and when I return to work it will be split up 60/40 (mostly because I wont be working as many hours as him). So I hope I can trust him with our children! j/k I know I can. ;)



Areas of discipline/guidance I tend to excell over him. He lacks consistancy.



But I think most of the reason for why I do tend to be a little more efficient is because I've had more experience. He works. I'm mostly the one at home with the kids, I've had more practice. Also we just parent differently. He is more of an instinctual parenter and I'm a textbook/research parenter. I think it's a nice combo because he is voice of common sense and I am the factual voice. He's more laidback and I'm more strict. We tend to compromise and find a common ground incorporating both styles. So I think *together* we are the perfect parent. If either of us were left alone, godforbid, our children would lose that completeness. I'm not saying we couldn't parent alone... our parenting just wouldn't be as wholesome. :( I need him and he needs me. And our children need both of us not one more than the other.

Merry - posted on 04/13/2011

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I think my husband is a better parent in one aspect, when he is with Eric, Eric has his full attention. I always feel like I'm multitasking and Eric doesn't get my 100% very often. I feel bad about it but my mind is usually running a mile a minute with various things I have to do and I have to stop and remember Eric needs my focus for a while!
Matt excels at focusing on Eric, just naturally and while sometimes I feel this is a negative thing, like if he doesn't notice the dog has been asking to go outside for a while, it's really a good trait for erics sake because that full attention is so important for him! So yeah, if I leave matt home with Eric probably nothing is going to get done except Eric will for sure get some amazing one on one time that is so good for him!
So I guess I can say matt is an amazing dad, not such an amazing house wife! But really, should he have to be? He makes the money, I keep the house going and we both care for Eric the very best ways we know how. It all works.

[deleted account]

I forgot to put this before... As soon as I finish my schooling and get a good job my hubby wants to quit working for himself (he's a self-employed painting contractor) and be a stay-at-home dad to our kids - I think it's great! :) Honestly, sometimes I think he's a "better" parent than me because he does tend to have more patience and finds to time in his busy days to spend time with each of our kids. Of course I spend time with all of them too, but I'm home with them all day and sometimes I get frustrated (although it's been a lot better since I finally got the 3 year-old potty trained! Independent little bugger just wouldn't do it until she was ready! lol).

Jenn - posted on 04/13/2011

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It is unfair to say that all dads are incapable of raising children and running a home. My children's father is great with the children, I have no problem leaving them with him, even for a week at a time if i had to. Do i thik he would do everything the same as me? No! We are different people. But that doesn't make his way any less competent. I cannot fathom these moms that do not trust their own husbands to watch their baby! I think that men and women tend to have a different style of child rearing..Moms tend to be more organized and generally worry more and pay attention to the details whereas men are usually more laid back and go with the flow. But this isn't the case with all men and women. There are plenty of daddies that are widowed or have custody of their children and are stay at home dads that do great. It is exactly the same as assuming that women cannot excel in the workplace, and if a bunch of men posted that on facebook we would be in an uproar! Ideally babies need both parents but children are very resilient human beings and can adjust to life with just mom or just dad if need be and still turn out fine. If moms are claiming that their husbands are so useless and incompetent then you have to wonder why they chose to have child with this man. Either they hoped that having a child would change him or there were some positive qualities that led them to believe that they would be good dads. I think us woman are just so used to our way of doing things that when a man does that job differently it bothers us, it is not that they do it wrong, just not how we would have done it, and that bugs us.

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I am very bothered by this. As some of you guys know, my husband was s ingle dad when we met (he had his 3 year-old daughter with no help from the bio mom who ran away) and he was (and still is) a GREAT dad! One of the things that first attracted me to him was the fact that HE took care of his daughter. Yes, his mom watched his daughter while he was at work, but he took his daughter home every night and he took care of her on the weekends. She would spend about 1-2 nights at her grandma's house everyother week or so, but all the rest of his "off time" he was with his daughter. He is a wonderful parent and anyone who implies that all men can't do what moms can needs to stuff it up their you-know-what.

Of coure SOME men are useless when it comes to the kids, but all men can't be lumped together. I personally know WAY more men that are wonderful fathers than not.

Gah... This topic and people like the examples in the OP kinda piss me off... can you tell? lol :)

Stifler's - posted on 04/13/2011

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I have to agree with Brandi here. It's women who don't have anything besides being *a mum* in their life who say that kids only need their mum and mum is more important etc. to justify them never getting their own life.

September - posted on 04/13/2011

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My husband and father to our son is absolutely amazing. I can't think of one bad thing to say about him. He loves our son with all that he is and is there for our son 100%, oh and he does chores too, what a man! My husband may have his own ways of doing things but he definitely can hold his own and then some! :) It must suck not having support from your partner.

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My hubby is a brilliant dad - he certainly does things differently to me, but it would be unrealistic to think he would do things in the same way.

He does everything needed to look after our son - although sometimes he does need prompting if I am about, yet oddly if I am out he manages all on his own lmao!

Now when it comes to cleaning if I go out and ask him to do something it will be done 75% of the time when I get back but if I don't ask he only looks after our son. I don't mind this as he works full time so I can be a SAHM and so as part of this we view the housework as part of my job. That being said he does cook for me, he will be at work all day come home and cook for me and hoover for me (as I have been in a lot of pain due to the SPD I have in this pregnancy) - he does this without complaint (unless he has had a really shitty day). There are things he does that I wouldn't even consider doing like gardening (I like to enjoy my garden not work in it lol).

I think my hubby and I have a great balance, I feel for these women who cannot trust their partners to be alone with their kids, I mean if my hubby didn't know how to do something he just asked me, he wanted to be involved with our children - that is one of the reasons I fell for him, I KNEW he would be an amazing dad!

Brandi - posted on 04/13/2011

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I think women that say this aren't actually good at anything, so they use being a mother as something that "ONLY THEY CAN DO.."

I think this is such BS. Yes, there are a few things that I think I do better with our children than my ex-husband.. maybe "BETTER" isn't the right word... "different".. But, I never worry about my children being with their dad. I have a lot to say about him, lazy, unmotivated, crazy etc. BUT, he is a wonderful dad. He would lay down his life for our children. My kids absolutely love their dad. He doesn't pay me child support, and he doesn't have a car to pick them up or bring them home, but he treats my kids as good as I do. He loves them, and takes care of them when he has them.

These women just want something to be "better" at because I bet their whole life they never experienced that.

Shannintipton - posted on 04/13/2011

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Wow,
I just read my post and that sounded really snotty. I am sorry. I did not mean to come across that way. Sorry{:+)
shannin tipton

Shannintipton - posted on 04/13/2011

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Hi Loureen,

I dont know how this works and I dont belong to this community, but I couldn't resist. My husband is the best at everything. He cooks, helps with homework, does dishes, goes to football. He is amazing. But honestly I am just really bad at all those things too. He knows more about the stroller than I do. We were traveling threw the airport and those long lines. Two toddlers, fanny packs, pass ports etc. The airline workers were looking to me for folding our stroller up. I didnt have a clue. He was raised by his mother after his father died when he was 13. I was raised by my dad since I was 4. What a difference it makes. I think there is something to the environment in which we were raised. When we got married, he pick out our china. I wanted to leave. The lady behind the counter said that it is usually the other way around. Sorry got off topic. I was reading some of the comments from some of the ladies that have been doing this for a long time. You guys (excuse me) :)ladies seem to have all together. How do you do it? Hope I didnt break any rules and I am not good at debating but I just felt the need to defend some husbands. I think I will go call and tell him to what a great guy he is. thanks for listening.{:+)

shannin tipton

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I felt dad was incompetent for the first year. Then after she hit toddler age he grew into this awesome father. The only down side is Gabby has him wrapped around her little finger...Pretty sure thats typical for a father daughter relationship though...

Rosie - posted on 04/13/2011

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i'm bothered by it because is some cases it's true. more than half of the men i know are incompitant to some extent. my husband can totally be at home with the kids and not have problems, yet he just can't seem to get anything done. it's like the kids somehow stop him from functioning as a person.

sometimes because of his schedule he's fallen asleep while lucas was with him. i came home from work to my kid playing in the litter box. right after my second was born i used to fall asleep with kids in my care, but i also had PPD. so i'm not perfect either.



chad just does things differently than i do them, which isn't wrong, it just isn't the way i want things done, lol.

Merry - posted on 04/13/2011

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Dads have a different role usually, I mean if mom is stay at home, and dad works full time it's obvious they will parent differently. Matt works but only part time and does on,ine college part time so he is home alot more then typical dads, so he is quite involved with erics day. But Eric is only 2 and he has set some very specific boundaries between what mom can do and dad can do.
Mom is essentially comfort. Dad is fun.
He won't let matt comfort him if he is hurt or sick or tired. That's all on me. But he also doesnt ask me to chase hum down the hall or wrestle on the bed. Dad is his go to guy, Eric orders matt around a lot! Daddy water! Daddy eat! Daddy rag! Etc. He treats us differently too, he is gentle with me mostly, never hits or kicks me especially now that I'm pregnant. But daddy is a bit more rough with him and told drafts playful aggressive stuff.
Matt doesn't do diapers, he will but only if I'm not home. I don't argue this because I like the way I do diapers better then matts way anyways. Matt always has it crooked or too loose or something else. I know he would learn quickly I'd I taught him or just let him figure it out himself but since I'm home all day I really don't mind doing diapers myself. Matt doesn't do baths either, btu that's because I bathe with eric. So it's a no brained that I do the bathing. Mostly dads role in our house is playing, entertaining, and stimulating erics brain while I rest or clean etc.
Also matt is the cook at our house. He cooks almost every night and he is amazing at it. I expect I'll get better and take over meals sometime but for now being so preggo I love matt cooks for us.
I like our balance, it works and Eric seems to be very happy with our separate roles in his life right now.
Tinge might drastically change with Fierna being born soon, but I'm confident matt can hold up his end of the parenting and it will all be wonderful in time!

Amber - posted on 04/13/2011

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@ Nikki~ Chad is the same way! I remember running to the store one time to come home and find my infant in all red, except for his baby blue socks (one of which was inside out). He looked really silly.
Now that our son is a little older it isn't quite so bad because it's hard to mismatch jeans and khakis. Most effective way to fix the pj problem? I taught my son that those are sleep time shirts. When daddy hands him one he'll giggle and say, "No, daddy. It's not sleep time!" haha
It's amazing that our 3 (now 4) year old can figure it out but daddy can't :)
Funniest part, dad is great at dressing himself!

Elfrieda - posted on 04/13/2011

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I get insulted on my husband's behalf when I hear assumptions like that about men. When we talk like that, it's like we're training/enabling all our men to think that a Homer Simpson-type man is all we want or expect.

Yes, men do things differently. Yes, I get frustrated because I can multitask (laundry plus supper plus baby) and he does things one at a time, much more slowly. But it's okay.

Sometimes you just have to laugh. For example, I work on Fridays and my hubs stays home with the boy. When I got home, my husband showed me a video that he had taken during the day. My son had gotten into the ash dump from the fireplace and was chewing on a piece of charcoal, and instead of ripping it out of his mouth, as I would have done, my husband went and got the video camera! He said, "It's already in his mouth. It isn't like it's getting dirtier. Besides, we'll be glad for this footage when he's older."
It's true. I shake my head, but it's true.

Lady Heather - posted on 04/13/2011

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I HATE this idea we have in society of the bumbling father who can't do anything right. Turn on your TV for five minutes and you're guaranteed to see a commercial with an idiot father. Where this came from, I have no idea.

My husband is excellent at doing everything around the house. He is fabulous with Freja. Lately I've been sleeping a lot. He does dinner for her and all the baths. When I'm sick he takes care of everything. I don't think he would hack it as a SAHD simply because it's not his cup of tea, just like being an engineer wouldn't be my cup of tea. But is he capable? Definitely.

There is one thing he doesn't do though. He doesn't wash floors. I don't know why. I could probably leave him alone for 5 years and he wouldn't wash the floor.

Laura - posted on 04/13/2011

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My husband is a wonderful father. My boys absolutely adore him, and I think he's done wonderful considering he's never really been around little kids/babies. There are sometimes he gets short of patience and there were a lot of times when I was working evenings he would go over to his parents so he didn't have to cook or take care of the kids. But all in all he is a great dad and does lots of things with our boys.

Sometimes I have to prod him to change a diaper. He's a lot better when they hit a year old and get mobile. :) Now when I leave I come back to a disaster house usually but I guess I'm just used to that because the boys do that to me too. And he's not allowed to touch the washer and dryer, but then again I stay out of the garage. :) I am actually a little shocked at how well he took to fatherhood.

The way I see it, some women don't want their husband to be able to do it because she want's to be seen as super mom and wants to feel needed. She likes that he can't do it with out her so she sets it up so he can't. if that makes sense

Amy - posted on 04/13/2011

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I think daddy and mommy make a good balance. There are things I wouldn't let my kids do, but he does and they EXCEL at it! I think a mother's role is only a bit more important when still babies, but what would I have done without my husband to rock them after I nursed so I could actually sleep?!!

I know some women have husbands who don't seem to do much or pay attention. And I have to admit, my husband isn't fully focused on what's going on around him when tv's on. I don't fully focus when reading. We each have weak points. But kids are contained and with us and are old enough that we don't need to be in their faces all the time.

My husband would do just fine. He'd probably need shown where the mop is. I do that during the day when he's working and it's always out of sight, but he'd figure it out. He already does dishes ont he weekends, showers/bathes kiddos, cooks meals, brings laundry down....

I am not as much bothered by dad's skills or lack thereof than the wives disrespect for the person who is their life partner. That person you are supposed to love and defend no matter what. No wonder we have so many divorces. And our expectations are usually off on what we expect everyone else to do with our kids. And to some...how is daddy supposed to magically know certain things if we neglect to tell them?

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