can't agree on a name. who should have final say?

Momof2 - posted on 05/09/2012 ( 34 moms have responded )

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So dh and i are having our 2nd and last child in June. I am getting a scheduled c-section and having my tubes tied because he is NOT willing to get a vasectomy. I had a name i really liked for our first son but he wanted a different name and i agreed on the condition i get to pick the 1st name of our next child. i should also mention that what i wanted to name our 1s son is his middle name.



I really like a certain name and dh is really trying hard to get me to make that his middle name and let him pick the first name yet again. i even tried to compromise with naming the baby's middle name dh first name. (i normally dont believe in naming a kid after a family member as i was named after my aunt and it can get confusing when talking to people in a large group). anyway i have had 2 difficult pregnancies and i'm gonna end up with 2 c-sections and having my tubes tied. Am i being selfish that i want to stick to the original agreement and pick the 1st name out myself this time?



dh really is a good man. he goes to work full time and allows me to be a stay at home mom... he also does most of the cooking and cleaning and does help out with our son when hes home from work. he is going to take parental leave for a couple of months when i have the baby to take care of me and the 2 kids while i recover from the surgeries. so please dont think he is just a selfish jerk.

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Tracie - posted on 05/10/2012

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Fair is fair. He got to name the first one. This one should be all yours. Good luck!!

Merry - posted on 05/09/2012

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I'd say scrap both names and start fresh. Do either of you really want the other to have to 'settle' for a name they don't want?
THeres so many names out there, maybe you can find one you both love equally. You don't want your child asking one day, why did you name me this? And you having to relive the fights leading up to one parent 'winning' their preferred name and the other parent settling on a name they didn't like. :-/

[deleted account]

Arrk - I really agree with the line that if you've gone to all the effort to carry the baby and give birth to it, you should get naming rights! Obviously you don't want to pick something he hates, but still!... Tell him if he insists on picking the first name you'll pick the surname, and say you'll give him your surname (ie your maiden name). That should make him see straight!

Charman - posted on 05/12/2012

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Whoever gives birth to the child, gets to choose the name. End of story!!

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Erin - posted on 06/06/2012

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I say because he did none of the work bringing baby into the world except the sperm you get to have final say, it's your reward for the pain of pregnacy and child birth. Just my opinion. Also not that you asked but I noticed he refuses to get a visectomy, I would consider telling him it's his duty just as much as yours to get the sergury if he wants no more kids, not just yours. Not that anyone should be forced into sergurys they don't want but it chapps my butt men never seem to do anything to prevent child birth. They think it's all our responsibility.

Crystal - posted on 05/30/2012

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I think it should be the one who has to go though birth. If he was to push them out or have a c section then and only then does he get a say.

Momof2 - posted on 05/23/2012

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I wanted to avoid giving the name but since it wont be his first name anymore I'll share.
Marius. it will likely be the middle name now. and i don't know what the first name will be now but i have 2 weekds to decide

Suzie - posted on 05/22/2012

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hunny give him veto power you pic the name and he has the right to veto it if he hates it

Merry - posted on 05/20/2012

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So what was the name he got bad reports about? What is the middle name choice? And what is the new first name going to be?

Momof2 - posted on 05/18/2012

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so dh and i decided that we will make the name i picked the middle name and i can pick another name for the first name. dh liked the name but i guess people he told it to at work really didn't like it (so not just my mom). he decided to still honor the agreement and let me pick the first name too so i'll have to think of another name i really like but he did agree with me about not giving our 2nd son his first name. (both since he knows i don't like naming after family/friends and because if his son was going to be named after him it should have been our first son not our 2nd).

i like this agreement since i get to pick both the first and middle name with this compromise.

Beth - posted on 05/17/2012

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My sons name is Braxton David Thomas Bollig-Miller!! I love Braxton and named him that because I wanted him to have his own original first name. He is named after two different people for his middle names. My best friend and my dad. He is no longer my best friend and I kind of wish I hadn't chosen David but it's okay.

Bonnie - posted on 05/13/2012

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Yeah I don't get it...why shouldn't the father have any say? That sounds so cold.

Merry - posted on 05/11/2012

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Maybe name your son with the name you agreed on, and give him dads name for his middle name.

What are the names you two are considering?

Michelle - posted on 05/11/2012

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Maybe write a list of the names that you really like and when you give birth you could ask you DH to pick the name off your list, or you could do that now, OR you could just put your foot down say its not a name he hates and that he got to name the first child.

[deleted account]

Our son's name was originally going to be Braxton Alexander. Braxton is my hubby's middle name, but I love it and wanted to use it as a first name but we were going to call him Alex until he got older and decided how he wanted to be called for himself. But my parents kept being assholes about it and telling me it was horrible of us to stick that name on our son and we were being so unoriginal and it was an ugly name blah blah blah. Then hubby came up with Samuel Edric and they still don't like it just because hubby came up with it. And they want me to change it even though I love it because they argue "Aren't you the one having the baby? You should be the one naming it." Even though hubby and I made the decision for each of us to name one child long before we got married.

Mind you, my whole "family" is a bunch of nit-picky old man-haters who aren't married and can't stand the idea that my husband and I have a pretty balanced relationship when it comes to this sort of thing. They don't want him to have any say in anything even though it takes two to tango, if you know what I mean.

Janice - posted on 05/10/2012

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Your hubby agreed to let you pick and he should only get to veto names he hates. I am a fan of a middle name honoring a family member but a first name should be unique to the family. I personally don't like Jrs.
I do know a family who named their 1st son William out of tradition and he was like William the 4th or 5th. However, from the moment he was born they called him Liam. William was just for official documents nothing else.
Good luck!

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 05/10/2012

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I couldn't do the whole same name as Dad thing. For me it is just not original but I do know many people that do it. It`s all about what you are comfortable with. ;)

Momof2 - posted on 05/10/2012

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thanks for the responses everyone. dh doesnt hate the name if he did he would have said no instead of trying to make it the middle name. (believe me he rejected a lot of names lol). he wants to name the baby after himself. if he was going to do that it should have been done with our first son even though he knows my feelings on naming after family/friends. i think the problem is that my mom was quite insulting on the name even though we had both agreed before i got pregnant. (and imo she shouldnt get a say at all. she named my sister after her great uncle and her great grandfather who both faught in a war. I was named after my dads sister, and i forget who they said my brother was named after.) he liked the name just fine but my mom wants me to name our son after some family member and that got dh to thinking he wanted his son to have his name too.

Bonnie - posted on 05/10/2012

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You are not being selfish. With our two boys, we decided I would make a list of first names I liked and then we both would decide from that list, but in the end I had the final say for the first names. For the middle name, it was my husband because we used middle names from first names on his side of the family. Plus, he always jokes around about getting the last name too lol.

Karen - posted on 05/10/2012

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Even when someone doesn't like the name you pick, it has a way of growing on people. Someone might think a name is weird or not fitting, until the child is born and it ends up fitting like a glove.

I don't think hes selfish, I think he wants the best for his kid just like you do. It's hard to let go when you just feel a name is right. He got to name your first child, so it would be nice if he could let you take the reins on this one, but if he just hates the name you picked that bad, then you both should pick one together. It's not easy to find a name you will both agree on but it's out there. Keep digging!

Amy - posted on 05/09/2012

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I think you both should come up with a name together that you both agree upon. My husband and I did this with both our children however my son vetoed the name we had chosen for his sister. I didn't want him hating his sister because of a name and ultimately after reading through names in a baby book one night he chose her name. It actually suits her quite well, and everyone was happy.

Sal - posted on 05/09/2012

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i guess i have been lucky that my hubby and i agreed and both loved all my kids names...my older son however really hates my 2nd daughters name...we had to sit with him and explain that really he had no say at all...it would be lovely if he liked it but really nothing to do with him....she is 4 and he still hates it, but too bad, it's not like we chose a name that was weird and embrassing he just didn;t like it

Sal - posted on 05/09/2012

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i agree with the scrap both names and choose 2 names you both like....i know you had an agreement but really it isn't set in stone....if your hubby really really dislikes the name you have picked then there is very little you can do about it....all the people i know who have either put up with the name they let their partner choose but didn't like or stuck to their guns about a name they loved but partner hated have regretted it in the end.... i know a lady with a little boy elvis...she let hubby choose, now they are divorced and she has sole custody and has to answer a thousand times a week why "she" chose elvis....

Mrs. - posted on 05/09/2012

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Of course, everyone might change their opinions if one of the names is less likeable...

I'm kinda wondering what the names are, but I respect your privacy.

Stifler's - posted on 05/09/2012

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I picked my second child's name. The first was by default going to have the middle name Damian so I had to find a name that went with that which I found totally unfair. So I got to pick Renae's name.

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you made a deal and he should honor it. unless he really hates the name you picked you should pick the name since he got his choice last time

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/09/2012

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Gently remind him that you agreed to let him pick the name for the first, and you'd get to pick for the second. And smile sweetly while you're saying it...LOL...It wouldn't hurt to mention that you're the one going in for the procedures...

Ok, in my house, it would have been a very teasing conversation, with lots of back and forth. Something like "Oh, HELL no, you named the first, and I'm naming this one! Besides, I'm the one that has to go thru the pain and agony" To which hubby would say "Oh, sure, just because you're going to be in pain, you want special considerations" All with smiles and laughing the whole time.

Baby names are hard. I'll admit, we were in labor, and almost delivered with the second before we settled on a name...and it was literally one that we just kind of pulled out of thin air at the last minute...LOL...With the first, we'd settled on 2, and I told my hubby he'd get the final say, as it was the first male child born into his family in this generation...I'm kinda big on the "keeping the family name alive" thing.

Seriously, though, remind dh that he said you'd get to name this one. It's only fair after all :)

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No, you're not being selfish! You guys made an agreement and he ought to stick to it. My husband and I made the same agreement with our two. With our first, I knew it was a girl as soon as we found out about it (and I was right) so I got to decide the first name and hubby picked the middle name. With our second, I knew it was a boy (and again, was correct) so hubby got to pick out the first name and actually I liked the middle name he picked so we stuck with that. But our agreement was one would pick the first name, and the other would pick the middle. Every time we found that we didn't like the names the other had picked, we would scrap them and start over. Our daughter's name actually came to me in a dream as silly as that sounds, or at least her first name. But it's a good name, as is the one hubby picked out for her. As for our boy, it took forever and we were always fighting until one day hubby just blurted it out and I was like omg that's it! I was trying to get him to pick it out himself, anyway, since it was a boy. We'd picked out a different name for a boy but hubby had changed his mind about it by the time we started deciding on boys' names again.

I'm due in mid July with our son and getting my tubes tied as well. Good luck!

Alison - posted on 05/09/2012

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The naming process was a hot topic for our second. We hadn't come to a final decision even when she was born. So when people asked, we told them "probably Julia". After some super emotional discussions, then both of us apologizing, we finally flipped a coin.

During the process, I looked over at my mom (mother of 5 children) and said "we're making too big of a deal out of this, aren't we"... "Yeah."

DH *should* stick to the previous agreement, but ultimately, a healthy baby is what you want.

(for the record, I don't think a man should get a vasectomy if he doesn't want it)

**Jackie** - posted on 05/09/2012

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First of all, you're not a selfish jerk at all. A baby's name is important. Would it help if you guys canned whatever names you are thinking of and started fresh? OR write both of the names you like on a piece of paper and pick out of a hat? These aren't the best suggestions :( please don't beat yourself up about it :(

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