child better with mum and dad together?

Sara La - posted on 10/10/2010 ( 26 moms have responded )

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Is a child better growing up with there mum and dad together when they really are just together for the kid? or not?

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Tara - posted on 10/13/2010

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nope and I can say that first hand, my ex and I tried the co-habitation thing thinking it would be best for the kids to have two parents in one house. It didn't work as planned, we tried to be civil, we tried not to talk nasty or be mean to each other, but it didn't turn out that way. We were two miserable people living in one house, when he was home I went out, and when I was home, he went out. We didn't talk much and even though we thought we were being kind and nice enough to each other, the kids could almost smell it. They knew we were unhappy. They knew we were faking it anytime we had to do things as a family. We nearly ruined one kids birthday trying so hard to act the loving parents role that we got into a fight about how nice it would be if we could have just acted like that when we were actually together!
So no, I think two happy parents living separately is far better than two unhappy people trying to fake their love for the sake of their kids. It's actually kind of warped when you think about it. Faking love so your children feel loved. hmm...
I'm happier now than I ever was with my ex, my older kids see the HUGE difference my younger ones don't remember living with him as a family so they don't remember the stress.
My ten year old told me she used to think all dads slammed doors when they were mad at their wives and that all parents fight and swear at each other. Then she told me that even thought she loves both her dad and I, she is happy we're not living together and she also said she is happy that I look happy most of the time instead of sad.
:)
That's all I needed to hear to know I made the right choice.

Jodi - posted on 10/10/2010

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My son once said to me "sometimes I wish you and dad were still together because it would be easier, but I also know it wouldn't be any good if you guys were together because no-one would be happy". That's all I need to hear to know the answer to this question :)

[deleted account]

No. Because you can't hide when you no longer love someone and you'll be modelling a dysfunctional relationship to your child/ren. Better to split up and be happy and show your child how to have a happy life than to live together and be unhappy. Kids pick up on that stuff.

My husband's parents are divorced and he says its the best thing that could have happened. Now they each have long term partners and are happy and are in healthy relationships.

C. - posted on 10/13/2010

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No. If the parents are just together for the kid(s) then there may be some resentment and arguments that do not need to be in front of the kids.

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26 Comments

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Rachelle - posted on 10/13/2010

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Ideally I think having both parents together is better for the children, but only if they are together for the right reasons. Staying together for the kids is not good. Kids are ALOT smarter then we think. Take it from me, I grew up with parents who stayed together 10 years for the kids and it was horrible, even when they werent fighting, we werent being shown who two people love each other, it really affected us young kids learning how a family is supposed to be. Sometimes relationships just dont work and hopefully the seperated parents will find real love and the children will have 2 parents who love them and can still show them that even if sometimes it doesnt work out with mommy and daddy, they can still find love.

Julie - posted on 10/13/2010

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If Mom and Dad need to be apart, then NO. It is better to live with a happy separate Mom and a happy separate Dad than one miserable pair.

As a kid, the life of me and my siblings definitely improved after my folks split.

[deleted account]

I think it depends ont he situation. I believe you should never stay together for the children either. I'm glad my mam and dad got divorced, whislt it was a big shock when our dad left as he'd been having an affair and our parents never argued, I wouldn't have wanted them to stay together unhappy!

[deleted account]

I think if you stay together only for your kids your obviously not happy with eachother. If you can still be friendly and co-exist in the same home I don't know if it would be that much better then if you fought all the time, your kids will still know your unhappy.

So no, I think your children will be better off with two happy parents who split up then two who stay together and are miserable.

Jessica - posted on 10/12/2010

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I think it completely depends on the situation- and in some cases its not in the child's best interest for the parents to stay together. If they hate each other, fight all the time, that causes a lot of stress in a household and children do pick up on that. I remember feeling very stressed as a kid before my parents divorced (when I was 8) because they would scream at each other constantly. My sister has a 3 month old, and is in a shitty relationship with a guy who is a bully, manipulates her and treats her like dirt. She's always made excuses and rationalized his borderline-abusive behavior and just puts up with it, and I'm afraid she'll do it even more now that she has a baby with him because she wants to make it work. But the truth is she, and my nephew would be much better off without him- even though she'd be a single, young (she's 20) mom who still lives at home with my mom. She has all the family support she needs to help get on her feet- we all just want her to ditch her asshole boyfriend! I can't imagine what kind of father he is going to be to that poor baby.

Sal - posted on 10/12/2010

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no verysimple but the truth.....happy stable life and love-how ever it works best for that family, not mum and dad living together

Kimberly - posted on 10/10/2010

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If the couple is being that cordial to each other they should be able to separate and still have a cohesive family structure apart. Kids pick up on the tension, bickering and unhappiness and will ultimately be taught to settle for these behaviors/feelings in their own relationships. If the parents can peacefully cohabitate without displaying any negativity then it would be best, but sometimes divorce is eminent.
**Violence and or abuse of any kind is not even an option when raising a child. Get out as fast as you can.

JuLeah - posted on 10/10/2010

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Well, what we kow of relationships is what we see growing up; what we learn from our parents. So, if you wish for the child to have the same relationship you have, stay in that relationship and teach those skills to your child. If you want more for them, seek more for yourself.

Johnny - posted on 10/10/2010

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I agree with many of the other posters. I think when there is tension, anger, and other negative things going on in the household on a consistent basis, it can have greater negative effects on the children than parental separation can. I was fortunate to have 2 parents that have been very happy in their marriage for 40 years, but I have many friends who have expressed how relieved they were when their parents finally separated. As long as the parents can learn to co-parent and co-exist in their child's lives, I'm not entirely certain it does all that much damage. What hurts kids is when one or both parents consistently acts in ways that don't show the child that they are cared for & loved. Not finding time to spend with the child, not paying child support, not working with the other parent for the child's best interests. Kids see that, they know it, and it hurts. Parents can be together and still inflict this kind of harm.

Also, there are many happy families with single moms or dads who have always been single (sperm donor, etc.) and with two moms or two dads or grandparents, etc. What is important is that children feel important, loved, and cherished and have good role models.

[deleted account]

Yes but they are good friends because they are not in each others pockets and both parties have accepted that they are not in love, got divorced and moved on. When relationships are prolonged there is always a certain amount of tension, if not out and out arguments.

Dana - posted on 10/10/2010

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Not everyone divorces because they hate each other though. Some people have divorced and remained very good friends.

[deleted account]

No, I think it is unfair to you, your hubby AND the kids. It is not healthy for 2 people to stay together just for the children, most couples who do so have bitterness towards each other, which the children do pick up on. Children are better with 2 happy parents who live separately than 2 unhappy parents who live together.

Also an issue of splitting up when the kids do grow up, for example when they are in their 20's may bring up issues of being lied to for years and being misled, especially if the children did not pick up on the aminosity between their parents or felt that they still loved each other even though they argued constantly.

Charlie - posted on 10/10/2010

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No , not at all .

The best thing my mum and dad did was get a divorce when i was 7 , everyone was so much happier and got along great once they went through with it .
Children can sense unrest in a household no point "putting on a brave face " .

Serena - posted on 10/10/2010

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I have seen with other couples sometimes it couples work better apart than together. As long as they both still show love to their children I think its all that really matters. 18 years (give or take) is a long time to "fake" a marriage...

Dana - posted on 10/10/2010

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It depends on how they treat each other. You can't be cold or distant in front of each other... I guess the parents have to love each other still.

Alahnna - posted on 10/10/2010

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in my opinion, most times when you're just staying in it for the children, there is always some tension around. Even if you try your best to hide it from them, children know and sense something is wrong. As someone else stated, sometimes people need to separate in order to be better parents to the child. I think ideally, in a perfect worl, having both mother and father raise a child together in a loving home is best, but a loving home can have just one parent as well. As long as the child's needs are being met, that is the bottom line.

[deleted account]

I think the IDEAL situation is for children to grow up in a home in which their mom and dad are together and love and respect each other. But the world is not perfect. Two people should not stay in an unhealthy relationship (or they should seek help to work it out). It is not good for them or the children.

[deleted account]

No. I think there are many circumstances when parents NEED to be seperate in order to be better parents, or when there is imminent danger. Kids also are savvy enough to see that their parents hate each other. If there is no love modeled and shown between partners, kids will pick up that too and may possibly make poor choices in relationships when they become adults.

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