child support when he is not the blood father

Jessica - posted on 02/25/2012 ( 41 moms have responded )

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My husband had 2 children with his ex wife. the son is 22 and the daughter is 17. DNA results came back and said that he is not the father, We recieved a letter saying that even though he is not the blood parent he is still responsible because he was married to the mother at the time of birth. I dont see how this can be right? Any one else ever dealt with this?

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Jodi - posted on 02/25/2012

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I'm a little confused - these children are 22 and 17, and he was with the mother when they were born, he has only just received DNA results saying he wasn't the father? So all along he and these children believed he was daddy, and now you are asking whether he should abandon them as his children? I am just trying to clarify the situation.

Rosie - posted on 02/28/2012

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true, but that shouldn't be forced on him by law. it's not his kid. it'd be nice if he did it anyway, but i personally wouldn't feel like he was an ass if he didn't. even in the perfect situation where he was there every day of the kids life i wouldn't fault him, but in this situation it was mentioned he hasn't even seen the child in 5 years. not sure he's gonna win father of the year award when he thought he was the father.

Jessica - posted on 02/28/2012

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you can't be father of the year when your ex refuses to permit you to see or talk to the children and he is a wonderful father to our children.

Isobel - posted on 02/28/2012

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You'll excuse me if I (the daughter of divorced, remarried parents) if I don't believe for a split second that your step son is unaware of your feelings. You are kidding yourself if you think you can hide that kind of attitude from a child.

Isobel - posted on 02/28/2012

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claaaaassssy ;) I'm sure that attitude doesn't get noticed by the poor children stuck between you Maree.

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Maree - posted on 02/28/2012

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You're excused....



Actually he really has no idea about the child support.



Unfortunately he is well aware of other issues between his mother and father like the fact that she,up until recently denied access,made false accusations of child abuse by me and his father,put sports before visitation,told the child that his father did not want to see him after SHE had denied access for 3 months whilst we were waiting for a court date to enforce orders.



This is why i don't judge the father who is refered to on the original post. I don't know why he hasn't seen the kids in 5 years but knowing what i know (at least in Australia) about the family court,i don't doubt that there were issues with the bio mother,maybe denying access and the family court...as usual,failing to do anything about it,forcing kids to lose their dads.



Maybe the father (when he thought he actually was their father) had no choice but to back off and wait till the kids were older and more able to understand the circumstances. I know from experience that bio mums can cause so many problems that it is simply not possible for the dads to have a relationship at all with the kids,let alone a meaningful one,free from dictation,control and alienation.



If the father in this situation has not had much of a relationship with the kids,they have been alienated from him and he is little more than financial support for them,then i don't blame him for being pissed off at having to pay child support even though they are not his. Just another way for the mother to have control over his life even though she did the wrong thing.



I know you are all going to say that it's not the kids fault and that is true. The kids have a right to know their bio father don't they??? He should be found and made to take responsibility.



To tell the truth,i don't care what you think of my life,or what is or is not said or known by my SS. No one knows what goes on in my life so what you think from a couple of sentences means nothing to me. We would love to be free of the financial obligations considering we pay way too much and the child is not take care of at all....

We have no issue supporting him but do have an issue with the money obviously not going to the child or even to house him or clothe him properly....we have a right to be pissed off at that and wish for the day we won't have to give money to a selfish ex wife who spends our money on herself.

Maree - posted on 02/28/2012

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I agree with Rosie that the bio father should be found and make him pay. Of course it isn't nice for the guy who has been raising them to reject them but it legally shouldn't be his problem anymore...LEGALLY.. Morally though,it is his problem and if he loves the kids he should support them.



and as far as the child support thing goes,my SS has no idea about any of that. I don't know if he even knows his mum is getting child support from us,i doubt she has told him and i know we haven't....

My SS will be 18 just after school finishes (year 12) so i suppose we will pay till then,i don't know and it really doesn't make much difference but once the mother is out of our lives financially,things will be better. We will hopefully always have a relationship with the child but it is not possible with the mother.

Jodi - posted on 02/28/2012

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Except for the fact that by deciding not to pay, you are showing that child, whom you raised for years as your own, that you are abandoning them because you don't care enough.

Rosie - posted on 02/28/2012

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i've heard of it, and i think it's incredibly stupid. it's because they were married at the time of birth, and some old stupid laws regarding marriage as something that makes someone parents, blahblah bullshit.

i have heard stories that the "father" has to fight for years to make his case. sure it's nice that he would continue paying child support, but i do not think he should be bound by law to do so, nor should he feel he has too. it's not his kid, not his fault, go after the real father for child support. not so hard to figure out if you ask me-stupid courts.

Jodi - posted on 02/28/2012

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And when my son is 18, I will be filing for continued child support until he finishes school (he will be turning 18 during his year 12), and I can legally do that.

Jodi - posted on 02/28/2012

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I disagree Maree. I think that if a child decided to attend University, both parents should be responsible for that too. There should be a system to help with that.

Maree - posted on 02/28/2012

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I'm glad child support stops at 18 here in Australia....then we can finally move on with our lives and not be tied down with the stupid bitch. 8 years to go...woo hoo

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/28/2012

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Yup, i have heard of this. It is because he was raising a child believing he was the father, and the child thought he was the dad. he stepped into that role and helped raise them.

Lyssa - posted on 02/28/2012

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i've never heard of such a thing! have you consulted a lawyer about this???

Janice - posted on 02/28/2012

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Considering your husband at this point should only be paying for the 17 year old (till age 21 right?) maybe their is someway to get a judge to make it so he is responsible for certain purchases instead of just sending a check. Such as sending the money directly to the bank for the mortgage or directly to a fund for college. Of course if the ex-wife is a bitch it might be difficult, but if you go to court some judges are willing to work with you. Also if you can prove that she has been purposefully keeping the girl away and sending back all the cards and gifts that will help too.

Isobel - posted on 02/28/2012

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My ex says that all the time. She doesn't NEED the money...she gets to go on vacation, she uses MY money to go out...blah, blah, blah.



Fact is his money isn't enough to cover what I spend in tutoring alone never mind food and rent. (If I take your story at face value that isn't the case withthis woman, but please forgive me if I can't take your story at face value as I've heard it all before)



If your story is true, he's been totally screwed, if it's only partly true...he still got pretty screwed, but the fact is that it's not the kids' fault.

Tracey - posted on 02/28/2012

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Could you open a bank account for the child and pay the money directly so that Mum can't get it?

Jessica - posted on 02/27/2012

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First off we did not ask for the DNA test. It was court ordered. It is not a matter of paying the money. The abuse was cofirmed by not only our doctor but by the counselers and forensic interviewers. We had put her in counseling and then when she moved to her moms the mom would not continue saying that all kids explore.



After this time her mothers attorney said she did not have to come for visits and though we sent birthday cards, gifts, etc. they were all returned. Please dont think that we are callous and uncaring but there is only so much that you can do.

He said that he has no problem with giving to the child but that he should not have to pay for his ex wife to go out partying and doing whatever with his money. We will be glad to buy anything that is needed but not give over money.Regardless of the dna results, she is still his child though not by blood and one day they will realize that we have tried to do all we can

Jodi - posted on 02/26/2012

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You know, for a long time, my husband didn't know whether his son was his or not (he found out his ex had been cheating on him for ages). He never asked for a DNA test. You know why? He didn't want to know. He had raised him as his son, and wanted to continue to do so. So he continued to pay child support without a question, and continued to love and support his son. As it turns out, now that he is older, there is absolutely no doubt my husband is his bio father (a LOT of genetic similarities as he has grown), but the point is, he was quite happy to have him as his son regardless. He loved him no matter what.



It isn't fair to punish the children for the mistakes of the parents.



And I agree that if a 12 year old is sexually abusing (allegedly) a younger child, there are issues, and rather than just casting her from your life, you were both obligated to get to the bottom of it and find out why she was displaying this behaviour, because generally there are underlying reasons.



I absolutely in no way condone what the mother did here, it is truly the lowest of the low and should be punished, but NOT at the expense of minor children (although the 22 year old shouldn't be needing child support any longer anyway).

Maree - posted on 02/26/2012

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I don't think it's about whose "fault" it is...obviously it isn't the kids fault and the man who has raised them (bio dad or not) should continue to support them finantially and emotionally simply out of love for them.



He should not,however,be forced to support them by the court. It is not "his" fault that his wife deceived him and made him believe that he was the children's father. He was basically tricked into thinking he was their dad and supported them all these years which is very unfair. I am shocked that courts force a non bio father to continue to pay child support for children that are not his.



I don't care that he has ALWAYS paid for them,fact is that it has now come out that he is not their dad so all support should be legally stopped. The wife is damn lucky that she was able to scam all the money that she already has out of this man and SHE should be ashamed of herself. In saying that,i DO think that the dad should continue to support the kids just because he loves them,he shouldn't be forced to though.



What i find terrible is that because a man trusted his wife...which he should....he is now obligated to pay for children that are not his,simply because he was married at the time they were born.



I'm sure he loves them and is totally fine with continuing to support them but it would still be very disappointing for him and upsetting to find out this information so late in their lives.



Why is it that women can do whatever they want with apparently no consequences but a man who was deceived for many years is forced to pay money for someone elses children. As i said,i do think he should pay,especially if he wants the kids in his life but i'm sure there are many men who have paid for kids they never see,that turn out not to be theirs !!!! I think the women should be forced to pay back the money,be in debt for the rest of their lives if necessary,get off their ass and get a job,not have a man who is NOT their parent,have to spend many years of HIS life supporting another mans child....any country who enforces this needs to have a good hard look at their shitty laws...how about force the mother to figure out who exactly fathered the child.



If she thought it was a good idea to spread her legs and be a dirty whore,potentially giving her husband some filthy disease, then SHE should suffer the consequences of her actions and maybe then, the kids should know EXACTLY what their mother has done,rather than blaming the father (or the man she trapped)...



Jen,i get that it isn't the kids fault but what i don't get is why this man should continue to pay rather than at least trying to find the bio father and force HIM to pay up for HIS kids ????

Mother - posted on 02/26/2012

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He isn't the father to EITHER child even tho they were married?? UGH.....that's nasty. why hasn't he seen the children for 5 years?? Was he on the birth certificate?? Wouldn't he just be responsible for the 17 y/o right now??



She molested your child?? Proven or just suspected?



Sorry for all the questions but something sounds fishy and just plain wrong.

Jessica - posted on 02/26/2012

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It has only just came out that there was any reason to have the DNA done. He did not ask for the test, it was ordered by the state. He has not saw the children in about 5 years.. The daughter lived in our home with us until she molested our child who was almost 3 at the time.

The judge ordered DNA on the daughter as well as another child that the mother had prior to prove who the fathers were. The child recieved social security benefits from huim until last year when the mohter refused to be the payee any longer when she found out that she would be responsible for this when the results came back that he did not father the child.I thik it is a cruel and heartless to thing to do to my husband as well as the child

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 02/25/2012

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He may not be the father but sounds to me he is the Dad. He should be stepping up and caring for these children as he did in the past (if he did - I assume so). It is only money, the fact is these children look at him as their Dad. Money is not worth losing two very important people and it is not worth hurting two very important people.



I say suck it up and move on with the children knowing he loves them... If I am reading between the lines correctly. I mean I don't know if has always been there for them or if they even know him as their Dad either. I am only speculating so...

Maree - posted on 02/25/2012

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me too...she didn't go into much detail...seems a little odd !! After so many years,i don't think i would want to know...but maybe he had some really good reason for doing it...who knows.

Maree - posted on 02/25/2012

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Yeah i know Jodi,i just wanted to say how wrong i think it is and that jessica and her husband should be pissed off even if he does love the kids (and im sure he does). I would be pretty annoyed too.

Jodi - posted on 02/25/2012

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I'm actually curious as to why, after all this time, he suddenly decided he needed to get a DNA test done?

Maree - posted on 02/25/2012

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jessica,I would say that your husband should continue to pay child support and not let his children (adult children) know that he is angry or upset about this. It will make them feel that they are not wanted and at their ages they can simply walk away and never speak to him again. Does he want that to happen ?

I would assume he loves them so just pay the money for the next year or how ever long is left for the 17 year old. he has been supporting them for so long that another year really won't make that much difference anyway.

Hopefully the cheating bitch of an ex didn't do the same thing to any other poor unsuspecting man....i can't believe how disgusting some people can be...

Jodi - posted on 02/25/2012

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No-one said the mother was morally right either. But two moral wrongs don't make a right. Why punish the children for the sins of the mother?



Besides, this post wasn't about what an immoral bitch the mother is. It was about the father continuing to be responsible.

Maree - posted on 02/25/2012

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I just can't believe the mother would do such an immoral and disgusting thing and get away with it for so long. Yeah the dad (or whatever he is considered now) should not abandon them but what i find terrible is that people seem to think the dad is wrong when it is the mother that is immoral,a liar,cheat,dirty slut and many other things but apparently that is all ok because he happened to be married to the cheating bitch at the time.....TERRIBLE !!!!

Jodi - posted on 02/25/2012

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Technically, at this late stage, not paying child support is equivalent to abandoning them. There is a moral aspect to this issue, not just a legal one. And even if he could dodge his way out of child support, isn't there some moral obligation to these children? IF he is deciding to abandon them as his children after 22 and 17 years, that's something I would consider morally low.

Maree - posted on 02/25/2012

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laura,a step parent has no legal rights at all in Australia even if they have raised the child. they would have to go to family court and fight....to most likely lose anyway.

Maree - posted on 02/25/2012

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he shouldn't abandon them as his children but he shouldn't have to pay child support...that's ridiculous !!!

Child support stops at 18 anyway doesn't it ??

Isobel - posted on 02/25/2012

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yeah, he's still responsible, regardless of blood he is their Dad. I know for sure in some states that a child born in wedlock is automatically legally the child of the husband. Also, whoever acts as the child's parent and provider (even if it's a step parent) is legally obligated to maintain that child to adulthood.



It may not seem fair but if you look at it like it's trying to keep the kids from suffering because the parents broke up...it kinda makes sense (although morally I wouldn't be able to make myself ask my boyfriend for child support if we broke up).

Allison - posted on 02/25/2012

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In Iowa he wouldnt have to pay. the birth father could even be forced to reinburse him. but at the same time these kids are 22 and seventeen. doesnt he feel like these are his children even if blood isnt involved? to me its kind of sad that hes willing to fight this when he did raise them as his own. i'm hoping i'm misunderstanding and hes not that cold.

Ashley - posted on 02/25/2012

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Some places in Canada also have that law that as long as the child is conceived and born while you are married the child belongs to the husband not the actual father

Tam - posted on 02/25/2012

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There are some states (I'm assuming this is in the US) that don't recognize DNA relations over circumstance. It's called 'issue of the marriage' or somesuch, meaning that a child conceived and born within a marriage is considered the married man's child, regardless of whether it actually is.



That's not to say it cannot be fought. I recall an article from a few weeks ago where a man successfully sued another man because he'd unknowingly raised the illegitimate child of his wife and her lover for about 14 years. Don't know if it was one of the states where the child was considered issue of the marriage, but I do know the defense tried to use that as a reason to get it tossed out of court.

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