Critisisim from in-laws crossing the line?

Melissa - posted on 04/27/2011 ( 16 moms have responded )

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I used to handle it well...I would grin and bare it and maybe politly say what i thought but mainly I just took it! But today after spending a week in our home my father-in-law left with much critisim. He started by saying your doing a great job BUT...
then followed by saying "you are not setting boundries especially at feeding times"..(our son has receantly with in the past few weeks developed a picking eating habit, but has been under weight and had eating issues of just not eating much for many many months) you cant just feed him what he wants your making him picky, its your fault...I explained a method I am doing with him that is starting to work...he said he doesnt see it and the only way is his way
Then he said there was a reason why our does things when he is here, because he pushes him to and we need to push him more and push him to stay awake. he also said he doesnt know of babies that take morning naps.(our son starting crawling when he was here but thats it everything else he has done with us and now takes one long morning nap a day)He then followed it by saying watch how much processed food I give him...I told him the reason why when he was here he got the processed food he did and he thought I shouldnt (my son had cearal bars, and a muffin) most everything else I feed him is organic and minumaly processed. he got an attitude and said a cearal bar was very processed and I reminded him why he got the kind I gave him. The whole tiem he was here I could just feel the judgement and felt as though he was watching our everymove...and he knows the things I dont want my child doing per say and he does them anyway..I feel that is so disrespectful!
Am I over reacting? I took great offence to all of this. He always has something to say about how we are choosing to raise our son, when our son was young he used to say co-sleeping was wrong and you shouldnt hold him to fall asleep I mean it has been never ending. We dont do things the way he does but he thinks his way is the best...ok he is grandpa I get that but let me raise my son my way. He acts as though we are clueless and dont know what we are doing. I am 34 years of age( the same age as his ex-wife and the mother to his young daughters) and I have been around many babies and have nannied for years but he just doesnt think we are doing anything right! Ihave never let it get to me untill now, I am offended and my husband is not on my side and is sticking up for his dad.....could I maybe be overreacting?

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Mrs. - posted on 04/27/2011

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Sounds like someone needs to tell him to shut his pie hole...and that someone isn't you. It is your husband.

I have been in situations where my fiance didn't back me in public when confrontation arises. The last time, when he started to defend the other person's position, I stopped him and said, "You need to be quiet now because unlike these gentlemen, you have to come home with me and I am not going to be happy. If you don't agree, tell me in private."

The two guys I had a conflict with stopped and started laughing. One of them said, "I've been married 25 years and I advise you to listen to the lady, son."

He has never done it again. If you call out a man in public for not supporting you in a public way (or just shutting his mouth if he doesn't agree), it can sometimes be a good way to get him to understand how it feels to be in your position.

Amanda - posted on 04/28/2011

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Tell him when he pushes a child out of his virgina he can have an opinion on how that child is raised. :0)



And not you arent being overly sensative. If my mother/father or my husbands mother/father gave us "advice" about our children without us asking for it first, I would smile nod and go back to what I was doing wrong. I dont have to worry about this though they only give advice when we ask for it.



Though both grandpas like to tease me about how I'm the meanest mom in the world because the kids dont get pop, or junk food LOL!

Bondlets - posted on 04/27/2011

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You know the mother-in-law on "Everybody Loves Raymond"? That is my mil except meaner. After over a decade of butting heads with her someone suggested a new tactic and to my shock, it worked!

When she gave her input/suggestions I smiled at her and said, "You are absolutely right!" Then continued doing what I was doing. Nothing more said. She stood there staring at me, couldn't think of anything to say. I had to do that probably half a dozen times before she realized I wasn't going to argue with her, I wasn't going to wait for my husband to back me up (which he never would), I would cheerfully "agree" with her then continue on my way.

With my mom I had to be a bit more blunt. "I don't remember asking for your opinion so please don't give it." Or, "Until you can claim birthing this baby you don't get a say in raising it." Said very politely yet firmly.

If all else fails there's always the silent stare down...no words, no verbal response to the inlaws' intrusions, just a calm quiet stare without blinking then turning away and continuing on with what you were doing. It's hard for the outlaws to engage with someone who will not engage with them. ;)

It's tough but hopefully you can find something that works for you especially since your husband isn't helping.

16 Comments

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Laura - posted on 04/29/2011

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My FIL is the exact same way and I usually just say "Well it's a good thing his is my son then, you raised your kids and these one's are mine."

Alicia - posted on 04/29/2011

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your not over reacting. as a mother you have the right to choose how you raise your child. its your decisions and no one elses. he needs to see that and back down. his way is not the only way.

[deleted account]

Why isn't your husband intervening? He should be defending both you and the parenting of his child. There's nothing you can say to a person who clearly holds you in contempt and I don't envy your position. The sad news imo is that unless you and your husband can stand up to him and stand up for yourselves, it wont' change on its own.

I sincerely wish you well.

Constance - posted on 04/28/2011

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Melissa, you are defidently not crazy. I guess my additude comes from being raised in a sigle parent home. I will never let aman any man treat me badly. Right now my husband lives in another state becaue of his job. I have dedicated almost 17 years to my husbands career nd 15 years to my children. I have no regrets but I am ready to focuse on me a little more. So I enrolled in school online because my oldest is attending online high school and my younest is sick all the time. When I started doing this he came home from work one night and I told him his dinner was in the oven and I went back to what I was doing. I got done aroung 11:00 that night and he had a complete additude about it. I ignored that. When he finally had to move I stayed because of the kids schools. I started getting a little frustrated needed a break. I was venting to him and he started with I don't this person I don't trust that person. By the time he was dne running his mouth he had elimnated every friend I had. I got off the phoneand I was pissed. talked to my sister that night and she was like he is really turning into an asshole. Well I talked to him the next day and I made it completely clear I would go out who I choose and I would not be joining him until I was donewith school. I would no longer put me on the back burner for him. If he didn't like it he could file for divorce. He hasn't said a cross wordto me since.
Stand up to him and tell him to shut his mouth. If not get away from him. He is no good. Don't every let any man make you feel less than you are. You are a wonderful woman and mother.

Sneaky - posted on 04/28/2011

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Karen gave the BEST advice I have ever read!!!!!!! I am so going to do that with my MIL. I love you Karen!

And Melissa, Constance is right - your son is going to treat women the way he sees his dad treat you :o( Couples counseling might work for you guys - you would have a professional to back you up and he (if he wants to change) might have his eyes opened to the fact that he is destroying his marriage. I hope it all works out for you Melissa, I think that life is too short to spend time with people that make you miserable.

Melissa - posted on 04/28/2011

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Constance you siad it when you said " would be very concerned that your son will pick up your FIL and Husbands additudes towads you as a mother......that is exactly what I am afraid of. I have said a million times and I am treated as though I am rediculous...thank you again for confirming I am a normal women, mother and Im not crazy!

Bonnie - posted on 04/28/2011

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You are definitely not over reacting Melissa. The child is yours, not his. You decide the rules, what your child can or can't eat, and do or not do. Everyone else needs to respect that. I have been through something similar. Grandparents often think that because they are the grandparents they can do whatever they want with their grandchildren no questions asked and then just give them back. Well that isn't the case. You know what is best for your child.

Constance - posted on 04/27/2011

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I have always had these issues as well but mainly frommy own mom. But my husband's mother stepped so far over the line I almost killed her over it. The first time she really stepped over the line was when she informed my mom she would never except my bastard child (whic is amazing because she sure wasn't married when my husband was born), she would ty to call mea whore and I ruined my husbands entire life ( have now been with my husband for almost 17 years and the last time we knew she was on her 14 marriage and 400th man), I put up with some of it because she was my husbands mother. But the breaking point was when we went to visit for the holidays( with both of our bastard children) I had layed own on the couch I had a Migraine. My husband was upstairs doing something but he was coming back down petty quickly. She thought I was asleep because my eyes were closed. Myy sn who wasn't quite 2 yet was pushing button on the micowave and she slapped him. She found out I wasn't sleeping within a half a secnd I came off that couch and she was against the wall and my hand was around her throat. I was going to kill her my husband managed to get my hand off of her. I said a few more things and went upstairs packed me nd the kids up walked back downstais lookedat my husband are you staying or goingwith me? I gave him to be ready by the time I was one putting everything in the car. His mom got this smile on her face which lasted a total of 2 seconds cause she realized he was coming with me. When we left I stood my ground and I told him he could see his mother when ever he wanted but me and the kids would be staying home. He hasn't spoke to her since.
Normally I would say you need to get you husband to speak to him but it is obious that he is going to side with his dad. Every grandparent has an opinoin but there is a limit. I would take maters into my hands Inot saying choke him:LOL but I wouldn't stay quiet either. I would tell him flat out this is my child and I will raise him as I see fit and if you can't respact me in my own house yo will not be welcome to visit again. I you husband can't respect how you feel then tell him not to let the door hit him in the ass on the way out.
I would be very concerned that your son will pick up your FIL and Husbands additudes towads you as a mother. That is the absolute lasthing you need is fo you to start acting that way.

Sorry for the post being so long.

[deleted account]

I so feel for you because I was only 16 when I had my first baby and you know what they all say ''i told you so'' and they think they know everything. Your husband is a idiot and you dont deserve someone like that, Im sure you are a great mother ! Keep your head up.

Melissa - posted on 04/27/2011

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I am so heartbrocken right now...my hubby is still defending his dad and tells me I should be able to take critisim and not get defensive...He has never had my back on anything and this is the last draw...Thank you everyone for your thoughts I know Im not the crazy one now..haha!

Melissa - posted on 04/27/2011

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Teresa thanks.... I agree in fact This plus other situations in our lives have pushed me to the point of leaving my husband...he is still defending his dad! He truly has never had my back, he thinks I am to sensitive...so next time fil does come to town I wont be here!

[deleted account]

You aren't overreacting. Your kid, your business. Is your husband ok w/ the way the 2 of you are raising your kid? If so, he needs to stick up for YOU (he should anyway) and tell his father to back off. If he's not willing to do that.... the next time (and any time after that too) FIL is coming over.... the kid and I wouldn't BE there.

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