Disciplining a red head

Heather - posted on 09/01/2013 ( 14 moms have responded )

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My girls got in a bit of trouble today so they got a spanking. While my middle daughter did just fine my red head bruised :( I'm completely appalled and horrified with myself. My girls almost NEVER get spankings and I never use extreme force. I wasn't even upset when I spanked them. Coul it be the difference in the fare skin and red hair that made it easier to bruise? I'm at a loss. I'm not an abusive parent, never have been. But I just don't understand how swatting her caused her to bruise! Any advice? Please don't bash I already feel like scum of the earth. I think it's safe to say I won't be spanking her again.

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[deleted account]

Have you tried Natural/Logical Consequences?
Basically, you let the child experience the natural consequence of her actions whenever possible. When not possible, you create a logical consequence that is easily correlated to her actions.

For example, if she scribbles on the wall, have her help you scrub it off. If she refuses to clean her room, give her a set amount of time, then toss out anything still out of place when time is up.

Depending on her age, sometimes it can be difficult to create logical consequences, but it is well worth the effort. Sometimes with J (my son) I would look at problem behaviors we were likely to experience based on his age and try to come up with logical consequences before hand--so I was prepared when he did act up. If I didn't have a logical consequence thought up, I sent him to his room for a few minutes so I could think it out. He knew the consequence was coming, and it gave me time to think. Once you get used to them, they get easier and easier to come up with.

Julie - posted on 09/07/2013

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My oldest bruises much easier than my youngest. They also have different pain thresholds. This is one of many reasons I stopped spanking, and found newer means to discipline. I am not going to say, "don't feel bad" because as a mother, I know you do. I have been there, and again you are learning as you go. now you know, so lesson learned, you are a good mummy :).

Angela - posted on 09/04/2013

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Heather, I don't agree with physical punishment but it's actually GOOD that this has happened because it's helped you see the error of your ways. It takes guts to come on here and admit it and I don't think people should give you a hard time.

The natural and logical consequences idea put forward by Kelly sounds really effective and helpful.

Because this is a debating community, it's likely that a few on here will debate on the wisdom of spanking children, and in doing so might just judge you for your actions.

Next time, if you don't wish for a debate to arise, you might post your story on a more general CoM forum like "Welcome To Circle Of Moms".

[deleted account]

You hit her too hard. If you hit both girls equally hard, you hit them both too hard. If you are hitting hard enough to bruise even the lightest skin, it is too hard. Pale skin does show bruising more distinctly, however, just because the damage is not visible on the darker skinned child, it doesn't mean the damage is not there. A bruise is caused by the bursting of blood vessels close to the surface of the skin due to a blunt impact. The vessels then leak blood into the soft tissue beneath the skin. The purple coloring might be more apparent on the paler skin, but both girls probably received the same damage. It is also possible that you struck each girl slightly differently causing the pale girl's blood vessels to burst closer to the surface, while damage done to your other daughter was deeper within the tissue.

Personally, I'm not a fan of spanking for this very reason. It is impossible to know exactly how hard you are hitting. Most people spank with their hands, which are less susceptible to damage than other parts of the body, so you can hit with your hand, and it barely hurts, but the person getting hit will suffer much greater pain. It is even worse to hit with an object. My advice, before you hit your child, hit yourself in the same place you intend to hit her, if you feel pain, it's too hard.

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I'm a redhead and I bruise pretty easy. Sometimes I just wake up with bruises and have no idea how I got them. It could be that your redhead just bruises easily or it could be that you hit them harder than you thought.

Heather - posted on 09/02/2013

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As a child I was abused. Physically and emotionally. So I try to steer as far away from spanking as I can. Although, sometimes I feel it's necessary. And when I do spank its ALWAYS with my hand on the. However, this instance has me wanting to seek out different punishments.

Heather - posted on 09/02/2013

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And tabitha, I spanked my other daughter the same way and there were no marks on her. So idk if I was honestly doing something wrong. Idk I could be wrong. Just feel like crap.

Heather - posted on 09/02/2013

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No, no debate. I already feel horrible. I'm new here so not sure how this site works.

Tabitha - posted on 09/02/2013

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If you bruise any of your children disciplining them you are doing it wrong. Red hair,fair skin, doesn't matter, you are doing it wrong.

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