do i call them on it

Christina - posted on 03/28/2011 ( 26 moms have responded )

9

0

1

I am having trouble trying to decide what to do. What would you do if someone you have known forever and love very much said something unkind and untrue about your child to someone else. Something this person knew was untrue when they said it. Although your child does not know it cause a decision not to be made in their favor. Would you try and get to the bottom of it and call the other person on it. Knowing this might cause problems in your relationship. This person will always be in your life and is not going anywhere so it might make it uncomfortable for everyone else involved. Or would you keep your mouth closed pretend you don't know it was them and keep the peace. Not just for them but for everyone else. Also if your child ever found out what this person said it might really hurt their feelings so maybe I should just keep my mouth shut. This has been bugging me for a few days so any advice would be helpful. Thanks

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jenn - posted on 03/29/2011

2,683

36

96

I'm a bit confused and more info might help. It would depend on who it was, why they said, and why. The answers to those questions could affect how I answer this. Like, was it your Mother, and she said that your child was circumcised when they aren't? I can't see why they would say that, but I would likely let it go. OR Is it your cousin, and she said that your child was a rude little monster? I'd say something for sure. So I can't say for sure what I'd do without knowing specifics.

Carolyn - posted on 03/29/2011

898

19

140

I would confront them , that is utter bullshit. Putting your daughter down to give hers the leg up , especially with all that you do for her daughter.

I would confront, and expect that she go and tell the employer/friend the real truth and own up to her bullshit.

Summer jobs are great to have on a resume.

She is messing with your kids ability to gain work experience, references in the future, self-esteem building and confidenc ein her ability to work, and so much more that can be important to her future.

So this employer has a friend who is also looking for an employee but says "hey dont hire that girl , so and so told me she has no work ethic and is lazy" and wild fire spreads.

|people really dont understand the impact their own stupidty can have on other peoples lives and how far reaching it can sometimes be.

Id confront and then march her ass down to the place and have her correct her mistake like a 4 year old who shoplifted from the corner store.

who gives a shit if she doesnt like confrontation. She started this issue when she messed with your kid's employability.

Krista - posted on 03/29/2011

12,562

16

847

I would probably ask, but try to stay calm about it. Say "Hey, I heard something that really upset me, so I wanted to talk to you directly and hopefully we can get this cleared up." And just state very calmly what it was that you heard, and ask how you can resolve this.

Isobel - posted on 03/29/2011

9,849

0

286

I would probably ask about it instead of saying something about it...I can't see any adult who has a permanent relationship with a child making up malicious lies about them. My guess (or hope might be a better word) is that it's a misunderstanding.

Tracey - posted on 03/29/2011

1,094

2

58

You have to get to the bottom of it or the other person may think that they got away with it once so they will do it again.

26 Comments

View replies by

Krissy - posted on 03/30/2011

232

0

19

I think that if pointing it out were to cause more damage to your kid... I wouldn't...

Otherwise, I would gently let the person know that I know very clearly, but politely that you don't expect they will make that type of mistake again. Remind them of the basic rule of, "If you don't have anything nice to say,... then don't say anything."... also mention that your child knows nothing about their involvement and how you'd like to keep it that way for the sake of their feelings and how much said child appreciates and respects that person.

My final word to them would be... I really expect the adults in my child's life to know better than this in the future and will just chalk it up as an "oops" that won't happen again.

Christina - posted on 03/30/2011

9

0

1

Well I think the situation has been resolved as good as it is going to get. After reading all the post yesterday I decided to bring it up to my family member but not let on that I knew it was her that said it. I told her how hurt I was someone would say that about my daughter and how I was thinking about bringing it up to our mutual friend with the job to get to the bottom of it. I could tell she felt bad but did not fess up. This morning she called and said that she had found my daughter another job close enough to my house so she can just ride her bike down to the waterfront for work. It is a good job and my daughter is happy. I think this is the best "sorry" she can do. I am glad the girls wont have to find out and we can all just move on. Thanks for all the advice.

Jenn - posted on 03/30/2011

2,683

36

96

OK - so in this situation I would say something. I know it won't change the situation, but I'd want them to know that I know - know what I mean? Maybe then they'll think before they open their pie-hole next time. As far as the job goes though, I understand that it would have been easier for you to drop them off at one place, but your daughter can always find a job somewhere else. It's not like the other girl got the only job out there.

Jocelyn - posted on 03/30/2011

32

1

0

Anyone who would sacrifice your daughter's chance for a summer job to ensure her own child's application is NOT your friend. No matter the years and experiences that lie between you, she's made it clear that her regard for you and your family is lacking. What concerns me, however is the friendship between your daughters. They shouldn't be thrust in the middle of squabbling family members. Why ruin what they have for the sake of a confrontation that will undoubtedly yield nothing but unhappiness. I would say nothing. Just remember where you stand with woman and act accordingly.

Bonnie - posted on 03/30/2011

4,813

22

262

In general it would depend on the situation, but in this situation I would call them out on it.

Veronique - posted on 03/29/2011

389

17

21

I'm not the type of person to start a war but i will in conversation say oh by the way you know what so and so said, where on earth did they get that silly idea. Without being mean, but i would say yeah well i don't know who said that but it really got me upset because it's not true. If they come foward then ask them why they said that if not at least they know you know and will watch them self now.

America3437 - posted on 03/29/2011

1,052

12

87

Simple! My kids are off limits and if they have issue with my kid then they have issue with me!!!

Christina - posted on 03/29/2011

9

0

1

Well for more information the person is a family member whose child I have pretty much been taking care of since she was a baby. Her and my daughters are both teenagers now and are looking for summer jobs. A mutual friend of both of ours has a business and is looking for some help. My family member talked to her about the girls working there. Problem is she told this person that my daughter has no work ethic and is lazy because my daughter was not with us all when we were all helping someone move. But the truth and my family member knew this was my daughter was at someone else's house watching 12 kids so we could do the move and I am sure was working just as hard as everyone else. Our friend who knows my family member better hired her daughter and not mine also, based on that information. What ticks me off is I will be the one making sure her daughter gets to work because she stays with me most of the summer due to her moms work. It would just have been easier if both girls were going to the same place since I have 5 other kids at home and am due at the end of July. I am not sure why she said it. I just don't know if saying anything would make it better. Both girls would be upset and I don't want that. Plus it wont really change anything and this is a person I see everyday. I know her well enough to know she does not handle confrontation well. I would hate to start something in the family. Also I would hate to put her daughters job in jeopardy. She is a great kid also and deserves the job. Just wish I knew the right thing to do.

Mel - posted on 03/29/2011

5,539

58

228

need mroe info but Im surprised someone who is a good friend would make something up about your child

[deleted account]

I would discuss it with the person, but I would do it in a very non-confrontational way. Very kindly state that you know they said what they said, and ask them why. You said the person knew they were lying when they said it, so there must be a reason. As Toni said above, understanding why they said it, can make a big difference, but if you just blow up in their face, you'll never know.

Amanda - posted on 03/29/2011

2,559

3

366

Confront. Clearly your relationship isn't what you think it is, because no love one, or friend would lie about a child.

Danielle - posted on 03/29/2011

605

13

21

I would invite the person that said it over and ask them if they had something they needed to talk to me about. If they fess up then take it from there but if they don't then let them know that you know and you want them to clarify what you heard. You don't have to be rude about it but be clear that you won't tolerate them talking about your child in that manor. If they have an issue with your child then the only person they should talk to is you. Keeping quiet won't keep the peace. The person that told you prlly didn't JUST tell you. They prlly told other ppl too and what are you going to do when your child finds out and they're feelings are hurt not only towards the person that said it but also at you b/c you didn't stand up for them? It's a hard situation to be in but once you stand up and say "I won't tolerate this" they'll think twice about running their mouth. Hope it works out for you.

[deleted account]

Understanding why this person did what they did as well could make the situation more appealing to them, did they lie because they wanted to hold your child back from something or did they le because they felt they was protecting your child from something there is a huge difference and even though the latter may not be right it certainly isn't nasty and if you don't know why you will always assume the worst reasoning and so it will affect how you are with this person anyway - causing tension anyway.

If it were me I would definately speak with them and find out what they are playing at because my children are really important to me and I would not be comfortable leaving it and at least not telling the person they were wrong to do what they did and that if it happens again there will be serious repercussions - even if it means causing tension in my family.

April - posted on 03/29/2011

586

5

73

I'd go crazy but thats just me. If the person said something that was completely out of line, enough for me to feel that my child would be hurt if she/he heard it, i wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut. I'd be furious. I hate backstabbers.



BUT since you know this particular person, it depends on what was said, why it was said. You could always talk to this person in a calm manner and just plainly ask why. If this person is someone who is obviously a part of your life no matter what, it's better to talk with them. let them know how this effected you. if you don't say anything the person will never know, and who knows? May continue spreading lies.

Desiree - posted on 03/28/2011

910

17

13

When it comes to my chilren I would never shut up. It's not fair on your child and that person should answer for it.

Stifler's - posted on 03/28/2011

15,141

154

604

I need more info. What did your child supposedly do? if they're a real friend why did they make it up and if it's true why can't they say it to your face??

Casey - posted on 03/28/2011

633

37

104

I'd have to say something, I would rather loose a friend or loved one by speaking up rather then keeping my mouth shut and just letting them talk crap about my child, and if they cared and respected you and your child they wouldn't be spreading lies about them in the first place so stand up and say something cause the last thing you want is for them to keep telling people things that arn't true about your child the best thing to do is to put a stop to it now before it gets out of hand.

Lady Heather - posted on 03/28/2011

2,448

17

91

I would either have to say something or never speak to them again. It sounds like the latter might not be possible.

Alyssa - posted on 03/28/2011

231

0

18

I guess I'm a bit of a wuss in situations like this. I probably wouldn't confront the person directly but might try and work it out in a non direct way if possible.



For example if my child wasn't picked for a team because a comment was made that they aren't good at that sport when I knew they were, then I would take them down and show that they can play.....just as an example.

Iridescent - posted on 03/28/2011

4,519

272

1080

I'd have to discuss it. But I'm not really capable of letting things like that eat at me, so you already have more restraint than I do. I really hope you can at least get an apology, although it's too late now in all likelihood to do much good in regards to the situation.

Jane - posted on 03/28/2011

1,041

5

69

I could never keep my mouth shut in a situation like that. It would eat at me and fester. I would confront and get it out in the open. But that's just me.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms